when you have the talk and nothing changes?

[velvet]

Hes going through a divorce and we have been friends for ten years before we became intimate. For over a year we have had a love/hate relationship. We both tried seeing other people but ultimatly we end up together again. I love him, he loves me but he says he is not ready to be tied down. We talk about are feelings always and he feels that he cant provide for me like he wants, he doesent want anymore kids, and he doesnt want to get married again. I just sympothize for him after all his ex wife put him through. Im very understanding of his feeling and try not to come off bitchy, but as a friend who understands.

 

He wont spend the night with me. I always dreed seeing him zip his pants and leave me. Last night we watched two movies at his house and we didnt touch. Im afraid of the conflict that arises when I do have the need to get close to him. So I decided to leave after the second movie was over and he got upset, he wanted to watch a third movie. Than as I was leaving he hugged me asked for a kiss. I gave him a short, hardly touching his lips kind of kiss. What do I do when we both love each other but he doesnt have it all together in his mind for much of anything when it comes to women. How much time does it take for him to mend. I told him when he was ready that I hope we can pull it together.

 

Any advice is helpful and thank you for any replys

[midori]

I think that when you've got a man with a commitment problem and you want some form of commitment, you've got to figure out exactly what you want and then take an all-or-nothing approach, i.e. he gives you all that you want or else the relationship is over.

 

What is it that you want? Kids? Marriage? To sleep beside him at night and wake up beside him in the morning? To be openly recognized as his girlfriend? Figure out what it is and then tell him. If you want dates that involve more than watching videos or him coming over for sex, say so. If you want him to spend entire nights with you, say so. If you know that you want to have kids and get married, say so. Admit it to yourself and then tell him.

 

I've done what you seem to be doing, that is, swallowing my own needs in the face of my boyfriend's "special" circumstances. I understood why he had commitment issues and I tolerated his ambivalence about our relationship because I felt I could afford to do so, and that he needed and deserved someone who understood him and could accommodate him. But at the end of the day (week, month, year, three years) my needs weren't being met. He was never able to commit.

 

You know what, everyone has special circumstances. And while I do think it's good to be understanding and accommodating of loved ones in particular instances, it's insane to just swallow your basic needs and wishes wholesale to suit someone else. I'll never do that again. No one should.

 

My advice is to tell this guy what you want, whatever that is. Be honest with yourself, and if what you want is marriage and kids and you know for a fact that he'll have none of that, then admit that now and tell him. It will mean that you'll break up, yes, but you will eventually break up anyway given those facts. Are you going to forego having children for the sake of this guy?

 

As you might have surmised from the details I mentioned about my own (now finished) relationship, I stuck it out with my ex because a) I loved him and b) I thought that, despite what he said, deep down he really did want to get married and have kids and spend the rest of his life with me. In fairness to me he often said that he did want those things ("just not yet") so it's not like I was fabricating hope out of thin air. My point is that it's a huge mistake to stick with someone because you believe that sooner or later they will change and become the kind of person (committed, sober, whatever) that you want and need them to be in order to be happy and fulfilled. Later might be far later than you think -- it might be never.

 

Sounds to me like you know what you want and this guy's not providing it. There might be love between you but he's not ready to face up to it, he only wants to dabble. He might never be ready to face up to it. That leaves you two choices, move on or keep on facing him zipping up his pants and walking out the door.

 

Sorry to not be more optimistic. Good luck.