Why did he cheat on me??

[cutie22387]

This is long, but very important to me. Please read and respond with your thoughts, advice or opioins!

I recently found out that my bf of 10 months cheated on me. I'm not sure how long he had been cheating or if he still is. The reason why I think he cheated was because we were having a few problems in our relationship. I thought that the adult thing to do when you don't want to be with someone is to break up with them instead of staying with them and cheating on them. Does this mean that he did want to be with me and wanted to be with other women too, or he was afraid to hurt me by breaking up with me?

 

Now that I know that he cheated, I should have saw all the signs. We stopped having sex as often, he didn't call me as often, he didn't answer the phone as much and I didn't see him as much. He claims that it was because I "got on this nerves" sometimes. I tried to work it out were I wouldn't try to get on his nerves as much and he would make an effort to see me more. He also claimed that he was tired from working all the time and didn't feel like being bothered.

 

The day that I actually suspected him of cheating is when he invited me to spend the night with him after so long. I had went to lay down in his bed while he was in the living room watching tv. When I got up to turn the tv down, he was asleep on the couch. I turned off the tv, the light and threw his food away. He woke up and I thought he was going to follow me in the room to go to sleep. After I was in there for awhile, I went back in the living room and saw that he was laid down, sleep on the other couch. I know this is TMI, but I couldn't go to sleep because I was cold and horny. I thought we would have sex that night because we hadn't had sex in a long time and plus we were alone together.

I went in the living room and started watching tv and thought that I would do that until I went to sleep. I just so happen to see his phone and picked it up. I wasn't really searching for anything (I like looking through people phones), but I happened to find something disturbing.

There was a couple of text messeges from one particular woman. Long story short, I called my friend, and asked what I should do. I ended up waking him up to ask him about it and he acted like I was crazy. My friend insisted that I shouldn't stay there with him that night, so he came to pick me up.

 

I know that I shouldn't have went through his phone, and I never do, but something told me to pick his phone up.

Now we still talk on the phone, but everytime I confront him about cheating on me, he turns it around on me by saying that I shouldn't have been going through his phone. Just the other day, he says that we need to sit down and have a talk about "us".

 

If he is willing to be true to me, am I supposed to make it work again? How do I know that he won't do that again?

[vampress1]

Wait a second... did he admit to cheating on you or not? You said that when you woke him and asked if he was cheating he acted like you were crazy...

If he did in fact cheat (not just an assumption on your part but fact, either a confession or obvious cheating behavior) then I would leave. You've only invested 10 months into this relationship and you don't have any children together (right?)... get out before you are hurt further.

If you are assuming that he's cheating because you have a few relationship problems and he finds you annoying.... Oh, I don't know how else to say this so... *gulp* maybe he's "just not that into you". If a guy told me that i "get on his nerves" i would seriously wonder if we were meant for eachother.

[cutie22387]

No, we don't have children together. I do understand what you are saying about him not being that into me but he has a choice of rather he wants to be with me or not.

My question is: If I got on his nerves so much, why did he stay with me instead of breaking up with me? He has that choice not to be with me. I've asked him, why was he with me if I got on his nerves so much and he said because I don't get on his nerves all the time, but sometimes. I think it's normal for couples to argue and get on each others' nerves sometimes, but when it's to the point were you have to tell me that and it affects us spending time with each other, it's a problem.

 

It's easier said than done. I could say that I'm going to get over him but I love him so much and I don't know if it can be that easy.

It would much easier to forgive him and work it out with him, than to forget him.

 

And no, he didn't actually admit "yes, I cheated on you", but his action showed me and he said "sorry" after I asked him why would he do that to me.

[Spectre]

I didnt even read your whole post: why did he cheat on me? the answer: hes an a-hole.

[catgirl1927]

Let me get this straight, he's messing around and blaming it on you by saying you get on his nerves? Is he serious? You can do a million times better than a guy like that. I would tell him good luck with whoever and see ya!

[SueBee3490]

My question is: If I got on his nerves so much, why did he stay with me instead of breaking up with me? He has that choice not to be with me. I've asked him, why was he with me if I got on his nerves so much and he said because I don't get on his nerves all the time, but sometimes. I think it's normal for couples to argue and get on each others' nerves sometimes, but when it's to the point were you have to tell me that and it affects us spending time with each other, it's a problem.

 

Cutie,

That's a question quite of few of us ask. My bf also cheated on me 2 1/2 yrs in a long distance relationship. I often asked WHY??? I could even "somewhat" see the hesitation in a relationship in which the parties are married, have children, been together 10, 20 yrs., etc. It's not so easy even after finding out about the cheating to just walk away. In my case, the same as yours, we didn't have that much time invested, we didn't have children together and we didn't even live close to each other. So why cheat? My bf could have said "bye" to me and never come back - we lived 450 miles apart! It's not like I would be driving by his house every night or harassing him. I've asked mine why stay with me if you are going to cheat. He did tell me that he was in love with me - right I don't buy it.

 

I also thought it was normal to have disagreements. I know I wouldn't want to feel like I always have to agree with my partner on everything - it's just not possible. I wondered before if we should have split up over some disagreements between us (mainly about our kids) but then I would tell myself that every couple has disagreements and if I'm waiting to find that "perfect" relationship where we never argued - I'd be waiting until the day I died.

 

I don't know the answer to your question, cutie, but I would like to know why people stay in relationships where there really isn't much to lose (by that I mean time invested, kids, etc). I've wondered that too

[vampress1]

You are absolutely right... he does have the choice to stay or leave, and he chose to stay so if you "get on his nerves", he has made the choice to stick it out. Obviously, the good times out-weigh the bad. Having said that, you too have a choice to make...

Do you really want to be with a man who would cheat on you? A man you clearly has ZERO respect for you?

I wish I could be more sympathetic to women who are willing to forgive their bf/husbands for cheating but I can't. To me, it shows a lack of self-respect which just hurts me to see. Of course it's easier to stay... if you didn't, that would mean you would have to enter the scary world of dating again. Let me just tell ya... there are men out there that don't cheat. I hope you are able to let go of this man and find one more worthy.

Best of luck,

V

[SmittenSexyKitten]

Gurl -

 

If you are seeking advice - take what is given. The question is not

If I got on his nerves so much, why did he stay with me instead of breaking up with me?

. I mean if you are really honest with yourself....does it matter.

 

Do you really have that LOW self-esteem that you want to be with a man that avoids you for periods of time and says you get on his nerves "SO MUCH".

 

When you woke him up...he called you crazy but did he explain what you found?

 

If you DO have this little self-esteem then you need therapy...not an abusive boyfriend. There ARE other fish in the sea. If you don't love your self enough to see that the other fish will never see you!

[cutie22387]

Every since after that day when I confronted him, he still called me like usual... like nothing had changed. I stayed quiet for about a week and a half, about our relationship until a couple of days ago. I had to talk about it, and ask "where are we". He was saying the same things about how I acted and that I "had more growing up to do". So I told him he only had 2 choices; either we were going to work on our relationship and be with each other, or not at all. Either he wants to be with me or not. He acted like he didn't want to be with me, so I told him to lose my number and to never call me again, then I hung up on him. He called back to ask if I was serious and I hung up on him again.

 

What I find so weird is, the next day he called me around 5pm like nothing happened. I asked him if he remembered what I said yesterday, and he didn't think I was being serious.

 

I can not put myself through that: being his friend. I told him it would hurt too much. Part of me wants to make it work, but then part of me wants to forget him. It has to be either or, nothing in between. That's what I think he wants (to be my friend) and I told him that he can't have his cake and eat it too, I won't let him.

[catgirl1927]

That's exactly what it sounds like he's trying to do, have his cake and eat it too. You're upset, and he dismisses your feelings by saying "you have some growing up to do." Well, then he needs to find someone he can respect. Screw him, girl, just don't take his calls any more. He doesn't want to be "friends," unless of course it's friends with benefits. You can do SO much better than this guy. Ugh, jerks make my stomach sick.

[SmittenSexyKitten]

I can not put myself through that: being his friend. I told him that he can't have his cake and eat it too, I won't let him.

 

Good for you! I'm proud of you and you should be proud of yourself. Stay strong

[absentminded]

All you said, Cutie, sounds like deja vu to me. I'm going through the same to certain extent. I wish I had your courage to tell him "either" "or". But I have not found the courage yet. My hat off to you.

My post is under the title "Is this an innocent employee-employer relationship" and "Should I leave him?" You are not the only one going through this. Be strong and good luck.

[cutie22387]

Thanks, I'm trying to be very strong, and even if I'm not strong at times, I can't let him know that.

 

Thank you to everyone for thier comments and advice.

[Sleeps w/Butterflies]

Hi Cutie,

 

You are doing the right thing. Just imagine you keep quiet and stay in the relationship and next thing you know it you are living together , married or have a family and he doesn't come home some nights. Is that something you would be happy putting up with? I doubt it.

 

You deserve more and no man will respect you if you don't respect yourself. I know a story similar to yours, a g/f of mine is dating a man for about 2 years and he has yet to even commit to her as being her b/f. She has caught him on dates with other women and he(not she) breaks it off with her contantly but she comes crawling and beging for him to take her back(but there is no relationship). It is very sad but she doesn't care she is 100% infactuated with this creature and that is not attractive.

 

Breakups do suck but relationships should fufilling at least most of the time and it appears your needs were placed on the backburner. I suppose the reason why he didnt break it off with you before is because he likes you but wants to be free to explore other women. He sounds very piggish.

 

Good luck

[Natalia111]

Hello everyone I am new to this site! Cuttie 's situation in particular caught my attention.

 

Advice: "You teach people how to treat you!" And if you continue having a relationship with this man w/out making him pay the consequences for his indiscretions than you are teaching him that this behavior is acceptable. Men unfortunately are very much like children and they will at times try to get away with what ever you allow them to. If you could reach deep inside yourself and recognize that you are worth so much more than this than your decidion to leave or stay with this guy wil become a lot easier.

 

The universe will only give to us what we feel like we deserve.

 

If this is the type of guy you feel as if you deserve then you will stay with him or maybe move on to another guy just like him but by a different name. BUT if you feel like you deserve a man who loves you the way you love him that would never cheat on you because he would never want you to experience that kind of hurt or pain then that's exactly what you will get.

 

Hope this is helpful! See everyone soon!

 

 

 

To be blunt:

[SueBee3490]

If this is the type of guy you feel as if you deserve then you will stay with him or maybe move on to another guy just like him but by a different name. BUT if you feel like you deserve a man who loves you the way you love him that would never cheat on you because he would never want you to experience that kind of hurt or pain then that's exactly what you will get.

 

Good advice Natalia!

[HurtingDeeply]

Ok,

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly three years and are "promised/pre-engaged" to eachother & plan to marry.

 

One Big Problem: He cheated on me right after we got back together & it also was 2 months before he gave me my promise ring. When he cheated it was October/early November 2004. He gave me the ring in late December 2004. He didn't confess what he did until January 2006, because he didn't want to hurt me..and now it's all starting to build up in my mind of what happened exactly. I forgave him & we've really really been working hard on our relationship since.

 

We are doing wonderful now, except I've been hiding my feelings that have been running through me for the past few days..I was just running through the past few days.

 

He told me that he didn't love her, but she cared alot about him. Well he took her to a concert and said to me that they were "just friends"( by the way we live in different states) & at the concert, he called me to hear a song that he had dedicated to me. Yes, he was with her. I guess she didn't notice . She didn't know about me and still to this day she doesn't know about it. Well, he was saying " I Love You" " I love You babe" then later ask me" can u hear it?" And now that i look back on it, Did she just not hear him saying that? Was she sitting far off from him? Cuz it was a rock concert, it was really loud..and then I occured to me earlier today" Omgsh was he saying that to her and me? and we both thought it was just to us individually? He told me he didn't have any feelings for her or whatever but did he lie? Oh & he recently told me he lost his virginity to her when he cheated on me..but we were talking about something else that brought that up..and said that it was just a coincedence he doesn't have feelings for her even though that happened. Like seriously, am I being lied to? And who am I asking? You all can't answer that, no one can but him & I just have to choose whether to believe him or not. I'm really hurting wondering the truth behind it all.. because I am not sure I want to be with him if he lied about all of that..even though are future looks beautiful if I just forget about it b/c our relationship is wonderful other than that. but it is just that one huge hurtul to get over. And it doesn't help that he visited her at work all of the time & they worked out together at the gym & hung out at his house..all of which I didn't find out until it was too late on the house thing. He just told me they were good buddies..ha..f*** buddies I guess it was..relationship too possibly but he's hiding it? I don't f*ing know. I don't know if I ever will. I trusted him a long time ago & I found out that all of this went on, so now it is hard to know if he's telling the truth NOW. I trust him on everything else but this issue, b/c the whole thing was built on lies from the past.

 

So what do you think about all of this? And cheaters, especially what do you think about all of this? [& Can you love two people, do you think he loved her & lied?..just what do you think about all of it?]