Flirting--where do you draw the line?

[GreySands]

How much is too much for most people here as far as flirting goes?

 

JK and I are hanging at a bar after a really stressful work week. At first, he is pretty attentive and I feel as though I am hanging out as a couple with him. As the day draws on, he becomes progressively drunk and becomes incredibly sociable and touchy/feely with everyone, male or female. The problems I have at this point are that he blatantly ogles a girl with an incredibly short skirt and chats about it with another guy while I am standing right next to him (He can still talk very coherently and walk in a straight line at this point). I join in and tease them and try to keep my cool.

 

Towards the end we get separated as alot of friends arrive at the bar and we start chatting with other people. Another girl (aquaintence of us both) hangs off his shoulder while his arm is around her waist. They stand like that for 15-20 min. while intimately chatting (but only about mundane things) and he kisses her on the forehead once and calls her a 'darlin' (I overheard). I made a meager attempt to join the conversation but feel like the third wheel and leave. He says he did not notice me talking. I did not make a scene but questioned him later.

 

He was very sorry for hurting me. However, feels he has done nothing wrong and also he was very drunk. He said it was just his way of mingling with the crowd and relaxing. I end up feeling as though he will not change that part of him and compromise in the future since it is "part of his personality" so I will just have to take it or leave it. This is the first time this has happened. He did also hug another guy and almost kissed him.

 

One thing..He has blatently "chatted up" another girl whom I know he facies physically right in front of me (not drunk) but feels that harmless flirtation is not against the rules and says he does not mean anything by it and it will not lead to anything.

 

background--I know he likes attention from other women and even tells me when they make passes at him. He is fairly attractive. I am never hurt or jealous when he tells me about these girls. Only the bar scene has got my mind in a whirl.

 

However, I have never had a reason not to trust him. He has proven dependable and trustworthy in the past.

 

Should I just try to get over it or are these red flags for a committed relationship? How would you guys deal with this situation? Would you be hurt?

[GreySands]

No advice?

[witabix]

This can be a really sensitive situation GreySands.

 

I think it basically boils down to just a few things.

 

Personalities and how much someone cares.

 

If a person is 'flirtatious' then it is a part of their personality. If this upsets the SO they have a choice. Either to respect the SO and try to change their ways or ignore it and go on as usual.

 

The question for the SO is, what is the exact nature of this problem?

 

Is it a question of fear of betrayal, rejection, disrespect?

 

I think you should do the same as I am trying to do now. Which is, stay cool and relaxed. This kind of thing irritates me greatly, my gf is 'flirtatious' also.

 

I have decided that I will not react at all anymore, we have spoken about it though and she has altered her behaviours. Albeit not in the light of my feelings rather in the light of me explaining what other guys think when someone is openly flirty, past a certain point.

 

So now I will be calm, if this behaviour is exhibited again there will be no reaction. If it is a major part of their personality it is simply not fair to burden someone with what will ultimately appear to them as controlling and jealous behaviour of your own. That will definately drive you two apart.

 

Be prepared to walk though, you do not have to accept any thing which you do not want to. You must be in a mutually beneficial and respectful relationship. Anything else is poison.

 

You could also try another tactic that I am considering. Which is to be flirty also. One thing to bear in mind, this must be a natural part of your personality also, if it isn't it won't feel right. One other thing to bear in mind also is that you must be doing the flirting as a natural part of your behaviour and not as part of a 'game'.

 

I have always refused to flirt whilst in a relationship, I am starting to see this as a possible mistake as none of my gf's have ever refused to flirt, quite the opposite in fact.

 

We live and learn though.

 

Good luck.

[Alexandra]

I might as well make the following into my signature, I'm sure you're all tired of hearing it from me over and over again but here goes the rightly broken record.

 

BOUNDARIES. No committed relationship survives the test of time unless both partners were part of a mature, open, negotiation process beforehand where they have expressed and agreed on what is acceptable to them both. Once that is done there is common ground to walk on. Less surprises, more clear discussion matter instead of conflictual situations.

 

Sadly we all tend to fall so madly in love that at times we enter a LTR or even a marriage before the boundaries are discussed and agreed on.

[GreySands]

Thank you for both of your replies.

 

Witabix: I suppose the major feeling in the situations I posted about was disrespect. In the situations, I was either right next to him or several feet away while he was flirting. He has also suggested for me to try out being more flirty since he feels it would be a confidence booster, but it isn't something that I feel right doing. Sigh, maybe 'schmoozing' is a skill I should learn. Aren't you worried that suppressing your feelings will cause underlying resentment on your part?

 

Alexandra: You're right, I also think well-defined boundaries are a basis for any good relationship. However, I'm not sure it's possible to define them all before you start a relationship since situations present themselves in many ways. However, I believe it is how you are able to work and compromise boundaries (without resenting each other in the end) that is important. Isn't that the point of dating?