I really want her back (

[sirjay]

Hi

 

3 years ago, I felt completely disillusioned with the relationship I had been in for ages: I didn't feel like we were very compatible at all- sexually, in terms of shared interests, outlook on life... The relationship had gone way downhill and then I found out she had cheated on me. At that point, I met a wonderful girl who was everything she wasn't and we embarked on a vibrant and exciting affair.

 

She broke up with me 4 months ago and we both realised how much in love we were. I told her I would leave the other relationship and move to her city but she said she didn't want me to do that for her and she wouldn't make me any assurances. She said I was her best friend in the world and she would be devastated if she lost me. She said she wanted me to move and get my money sorted out for myself.

 

Since then, it has been very hard. I am a passionate, all or nothing kind of guy and not good at controlling my feelings. I chased her and she backed off and treated me badly.

 

I miss her now more than ever and i am convinced we are soul mates. I ran into her after she had picked up some random guy in a bar (he wasnt even her type) and was really hurt and upset so we aren't really speaking at the moment. She had suggested that we take a few months apart and then try being friends before that but I don't how things were left between us.

 

I want her back more than anything in the world. I have left the other relationship and moved.

 

We haven't spoken for a month. The last time I saw her was when I went to get my stuff from hers and she was telling me how nice I looked and being really sweet. I was businesslike and non-committal and we didn't really say anything conclusive before parting ways, I just left in the removal van.

 

I don't know what to do. I want to get back in touch with her but when I have been nice to her before, it's been too much like I was chasing her and she has backed off. She is my best friend in the world, I don't want to lose her. I am heartbroken and it is getting harder as time goes on, not easier. I don't want to get hurt anymore but i really want her back.

 

friends tell me to let it go but i dont know how. i think about her everyday and i miss everything we did together. i don't feel like we ever had a proper shot at the relationship. i want to commit to her and win back her trust.

 

what can i do?

[riobikini]

Your post is a bit unclear, but I'm taking it as if it is the *first* (old) relationship that you want to renew.

 

By the way: glad you woke up, -but it may be a little too late.

 

She's not giving you assurances, and you're not exactly too stable or settled concerning where you're going to live or work, at present (sounds like).

 

If I have the facts straight, and you've already let your old flame know that you've seen the proverbial 'light' and are interested in a reconciliation, my advice is to just cool your heels for awhile and wait for her reaction.

 

Meanwhile, I have to comment on the obvious, here: funny how it takes a worthless affair to spark an old relationship, isn't it?

 

(Chagrin is the appropriate response with that thought.)

 

Now that you've 'messed it up', you suddenly want to 'fix it up'.

 

Par for the course of those who become deceived by a slow period in a significant relationship.

 

Your first reaction is to blame someone else for the problem (the other person, more than likely) -but a second later, you have to admit it's you who messed up, and you have only yourself to blame for your actions.

 

So you go about trying to find ways to 'fix' it, smooth it out.

 

You know you're going to be dealing with a lot of hurt and damaged trust in regards to your 'old' partner.

 

And broken trust and wounded hearts are not easy things to repair, -especially if the other person is so hurt they won't -or can't- listen to you. So you have to rely on the characteristics of evolved and developed human behavior in regards to the emotions and how they go about healing.

 

The primary secret is *time*.

 

And it's really no secret, at all: it takes you a *few days* for your emotions to 'give in' to more receptive feelings towards a friend from a tiff over a game of basketball; it takes a *few hours* to resolve a dispute with someone else over some insignificant (now) 'something' earlier in the day: but it may take much longer -and require more applied effort, patience, and understanding- to patch up a romantic relationship.

 

Now that you've discovered she's the *one*, you've started to look at her in a renewed sense, and suddenly, your feelings for her aren't so 'old', so boring, -nor is she so undesirable.

 

You might ask yourself *why* you took the relationship for granted, in the first place. And once you start getting some internal feedback, put it to good use by *committing to yourself* to avoid falling in the same hole again, in the future, -with anyone.

 

Time for a good question, though: does she still want a relationship with you, -or has she wholeheartedly adopted to idea that you belong in her history book?

 

That's something to consider before you start any thoughts of chasing.

 

If she's through with you, the chasing will only annoy her and possibly cause her to feel something like *fear* (as in stalking), or *hate* (as in "I don't like you very much..forever".)

 

Better *know* what she's feeling, first.

 

And the best way to do that is to outright *ask* her, and then just wait around a couple of weeks or so, to see if she's up for another round with you.

 

If she doesn't show any interest, it narrows down to nothing more than common sense: move on.

 

Take your lumps, learn from them, and make a commitment to yourself to do better next time.

 

Hope this helps in your current situation, -if it doesn't, save it for later: it's still good advice to keep handy.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio