need some guidance

[froggy]

Hi there,

 

I am absolutely sick to my stomach over this, and I would like some opinions. I am getting married next Saturday. I am very much in love with my fiancee, and would NEVER even think about cheating (she knows this). This past Saturday, my brother and friends threw me a bachelor party. It was great... we went golfing, go-karting, had a bbq... but we also went to a strip-club. My fiancee knew we were going to a strip club (or at least had a very good idea), and seemed to be ok with it, and didn't really set any ground rules or anything. My buddies bought me a lap-dance, which I wasn't really too excited about, but went ahead with anyways. It was all hands off, and to be honest, wasn't even enjoyable. I honestly just couldn't wait to go home. When my fiancee asked, I was honest and said I had one, but it wasn't anything special and I would never do it again, which is the complete truth.

 

She is absolutely torn up about it now though. I do feel bad for hurting her feelings, but at the time I definitely didn't consider it cheating since she hadn't told me she wasn't comfortable with it, it was hands-off, it was not even enjoyable, and since I have never once been to a strip-club in the 3+ years we've been together.

 

Is she over-reacting? Was I very wrong to do what I did? It is eating at me and I am literally sick to my stomach that I made her sad.

[Slapshot2286]

I know exactly how you feel about upsetting her over something like that. There's a lot of discussion about what to do and not do at bachelor parties. The thing is, I wouldn't feel comfortable (yeah maybe once I was forced in the situation by a bunch of my buddies it wouldn't be as big of a deal) going to a strip club, because even if my gf didn't say she wouldn't like it, I know she wouldn't. The thing about it though, is that its your bachelor party. I'm surprised she felt cool with asking you about it all. I mean, if your relationship's going well (which it obviously is since you're getting married), you guys should be able to share that kind of stuff...but the bachelor party is supposed to kind of be YOUR night, so I'm kind of on the fence about it. I can't say she shouldn't be upset (even though she seemed cool with it in the beginning), but I can't say that she probably should just have assumed it happened and let it go.

[froggy]

I was a little bit surprised she asked about it too, but that doesn't excuse my behaviour. I know it was wrong... I am just surprised at how wrong she apparently feels it was. Especially since she knows I don't go to strip clubs (or any clubs for that matter), and am not interested in what I saw in the slightest. I think she is more upset that I gave into the peer pressure than the actual lap dance... because she knows I think it was silly and would never in my life go out on the town to get one by my own choice.

[norajane]

If she had such a strong feeling about lap dances and strip clubs, then she should have said so before your bachelor party instead of beating you up about it now. You've been honest with her, you've apologized...what else could you possibly do now?

 

She needs to grow up and get over it.

[Guest]

Hi there,

 

I am absolutely sick to my stomach over this, and I would like some opinions. I am getting married next Saturday. I am very much in love with my fiancee, and would NEVER even think about cheating (she knows this). This past Saturday, my brother and friends threw me a bachelor party. It was great... we went golfing, go-karting, had a bbq... but we also went to a strip-club. My fiancee knew we were going to a strip club (or at least had a very good idea), and seemed to be ok with it, and didn't really set any ground rules or anything. My buddies bought me a lap-dance, which I wasn't really too excited about, but went ahead with anyways. It was all hands off, and to be honest, wasn't even enjoyable. I honestly just couldn't wait to go home. When my fiancee asked, I was honest and said I had one, but it wasn't anything special and I would never do it again, which is the complete truth.

 

She is absolutely torn up about it now though. I do feel bad for hurting her feelings, but at the time I definitely didn't consider it cheating since she hadn't told me she wasn't comfortable with it, it was hands-off, it was not even enjoyable, and since I have never once been to a strip-club in the 3+ years we've been together.

 

Is she over-reacting? Was I very wrong to do what I did? It is eating at me and I am literally sick to my stomach that I made her sad.

 

i consider a lap dance cheating in general. but u really didnt want it anyway ...at least this is what you said. i think if you promise her you'll never do THAT again or go to those places she should be ok. you shouldn't have given in to the pressure ...that's probably whats eating her up more..bc she might think 'if they pressure him into doing it again or cheating on me he'll do it bc its his friends'. A MAN'S FRIENDS ARE SOMETIMES HIS BIGGEST ENEMIES WHEN IT COMES TO SUSTAINING A MARRIAGE.

[Guest]

I know how your fiance feels. I really don't care if it is my bf's bachelor party or not he better not even think about getting a lap dance if he wants to still be with me. I don't really care if this makes me sound insecure or controlling.

If he pays another women to dance naked on top of him (or around him naked with no touching-like your lap dance was) then he can go to hell and I will find a man who doesn't cheat.

 

BUT in all fairness to you, your fiance acted like she was OK with the idea of you going to a strip club. If she had a problem with it she should have made her feelins know beforehand. The fact that she waited untill after it had already happened is not fair to you.

 

I have made my feeling know to my bf so we can avoid problems like the one you are having.

[Guest]

I agree that your fiance should have told you how she felt before the lap dance happened. She actted like she was OK with it then after it happened decided that it was wrong. That is not fair to you.

 

 

On the other hand I feel that a lap dance is cheating even if there was no touching envolved. If my boyfriend had a lap dance at his bachelor party I would call the wedding off and find someone who wasn't going to disrespet me by having some naked chick grind into his lap. I deserve alot better than that. I honestly don't see how men can feel that getting married gives them a "cheating" pass". It honestly just amazes me.

[Guest]

I honestly don't see how men can feel that getting married gives them a "cheating" pass". It honestly just amazes me.

 

Froggy, the above quoted post is almost irrelavent to your situation and is sort of destructive to what you are trying to achieve by posting your problem. Please don't take it to heart too much. Guest lumped all men together, and you obviously didn't think you had a "cheating pass." Most men don't.

 

Froggy as for your direct situation, many people's interpretations of cheating are extremely different. Some people see meaningless flirting as cheating, while some go as far as being ok with making out with someone else. This point can be argued all day. However, you seem to be extremely committed and regret what you’ve done. Moreover, you didn’t think it was cheating and your fiancé didn’t express her feelings to the matter. I’m sure you’ve already done this, but you need to sit her down and honestly show her how it is eating away at you. She won’t truly understand how you’re feeling unless you show her. When she sees the regret and the anguish it is causing you, she will most likely understand and forgive you.

 

Additionally, do you think that she would have been ok with this if it wasn’t a week before your marriage? I’m sure she has A LOT going through her head because this is (like yours) one of the biggest decisions of her life. Any seed of doubt will make her upset and question things even though it may not be her norm. Let me know if you have any questions. Thanks.

[froggy]

Thanks for all your help... we seem to be over the whole mess. The forgiveness was possibly extradited since our wedding is tomorrow, but all seems to be well. Thanks!