I hate myself for losing my husband!

[JJRocks606]

I read some posts here and some people give really good advise. I hope someone replies to this because I'm really desperate. It's kind of a long story, so bear with me.

 

I cheated on my husband and I regret it with my entire being. We are separated now and I don't know what to do!!! I love him. He doesn't seem to understand that there are reasons behind what I did. I'm not justifying anything, I KNOW it was my fault and it was wrong, but my husband never paid attention to me, and the other man made me feel special and beautiful. I wasn't married long (2 years) and I can kind of sense that my husband still loves me, but his parents have this strong influence on him... (they want us divorced because they don't "tolerate" what I did.)

I begged him to go for counselling, and he declined. He said he can never forgive me for what I did... and that's understandable. I can't even forgive myself, and I can't even look at the mirror without this feeling of disgust and self hatred.

When my husband found out, he didn't come to me and confront me. He went over to his parents' house and then a WEEK later after he found out, that's when he said that I had a month to get out of the house. Within the month I still stayed there, we acted like we when we were dating. I found out I was pregnant with my husband's child, but had a miscarriage. A week later, his mom comes to our house and cursed me out, threw me out, and told me that our baby died because I'm not worthy to have his child.

I'm soooo broken hearted! I want my husband back. I've severed all communication with the other man because now I know that I just want my marriage to work out. I'm SOOOO DESPARATE!!! PLEASE HELP ME!

[Pantero]

Hi...

 

First off, I've never known anyone whose cheated, but I do know people who've been cheated on.

 

I don't think I'll help the situation by sitting here and typing out sh-t you've probably heard a million times over already, HOWEVER, your reasons for doing it sound familiar.

 

I've never been married, so I apologize for not being able to dispense any advice about that, but it sounds like you two grew apart and when you felt appreciated or recieved attention from elsewhere and THAT happens - married or not.

 

To me, when two people grow apart like that whether it's through circmstances or not is very tragic. Things fade over time, or they grow stronger. In this case - you're going to need to figure out yourself before figuring out what's going to work.

 

Keep us posted...hope everything works out.

[Pantero]

Also a few questions - did your husband work all the time? And if he did, did you have things to do to keep yourself busy? Was there ever any argument over not enough time being spent? Was the person you have an affair with aware you were married? And if he was aware, did he still pursue you?

 

There's a lot of issues you may need to address for someone a bit more experienced than myself to maybe hopefully help you out.

[riobikini]

re: JRock: "my husband never paid attention to me, and the other man made me feel special and beautiful."

Not a good excuse.

 

 

See all posts in the thread link given below:

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t89661/

 

 

-Rio

[JJRocks606]

First of all, thanks for taking the time to reply. I appreciate it.

My husband would come home from his 8-5 job, eat dinner and plop down on the couch all night in front of the TV. I had a lot of activities, since I was the only one doing house chores on top of working 10 hour shifts daily. The other man knew I was unhappily married. He's also in an unhappy relationship. I guess we were looking for comfort in all the wrong places.

[JJRocks606]

Not a good excuse.

 

 

See all posts in the thread link given below:

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t89661/

 

 

-Rio

 

 

It's not an excuse, but the way I feel.

[Lovegod]

but my husband never paid attention to me, and the other man made me feel special and beautiful.

God, I love women!

You made a choice based on your emotion, not on logic. A very womanly thing to do. Sounds like your husband wasn't providing the emotional rollercoaster ride that you needed (or wanted). Instead, he figured that since he was married, his work was over. Too many men don't realize that attracting a woman is the easy part, keeping a relationship rolling is the hard part.

 

I want my husband back.

Now, for your part of the blame. You fully knew what you were doing, even though it was based on your emotions. This is one hell of a learning experience for you. You're best off to learn, leave, and not repeat it. The relationship between you and your husband is damaged beyond repair, so don't bother trying to fix it. Focus your energy at moving on with your life.

[SoleMate]

Please see Marriage Builders and see if there is anything from Plan A or Plan B you can use.

 

You might be able to win your H back - but when you think about, why would you want him? Aren't all the issues the same?

 

It might be best just to let this one go, and work on yourself and your relationship skills, so you will not tragically repeat this mistake.

[riobikini]

"Bingo!", Soulmate.

 

-Rio

[kara]

You might be able to win your H back - but when you think about, why would you want him? Aren't all the issues the same?

 

I completely agree with SoleMate, this is really the question. I am married and can't imagine how painful it must be to be cheated on, on the other hand it is seriously weird that his mom is SO involved in the whole thing. Weird or what?

[Guest]

I completely agree with SoleMate, this is really the question. I am married and can't imagine how painful it must be to be cheated on, on the other hand it is seriously weird that his mom is SO involved in the whole thing. Weird or what?

 

Yes it is. I've been undermined by this woman for so long. Yes, there are issues in my marriage, but I've always believed that anything can be resolved with love. I guess I'm still living in a fantasy world. I know that my husband still loves me despite of what I did. I just don't know how to show him that I am truly sorry for what I did.

[JJRocks606]

Please see Marriage Builders and see if there is anything from Plan A or Plan B you can use.

 

You might be able to win your H back - but when you think about, why would you want him? Aren't all the issues the same?

 

It might be best just to let this one go, and work on yourself and your relationship skills, so you will not tragically repeat this mistake.

 

I've always thought issues can be resolved because of love. I guess I'm still living in a fantasy world? Then what is love for? Does it even exist?

Yes, his mom has always been involved in our marriage. I've tried talking to him about it too many times before, but he never listened. I've been undermined by this woman for so long, but I bit my tongue out of respect for my husband. Issues are there, no doubt, but how can it be fixed when the first thing that we do is run away from them? It just doesn't make sense to me.

[riobikini]

re:

 

JRock: " I've always thought issues can be resolved because of love."

 

Love doesn't make an alcoholic stop drinking.

 

Love doesn't cause a drug addict to stop injecting deadly chemicals.

 

What it *does* is help heal the wounds from our mistakes, and help open our eyes in regards to repeating them.

 

-Rio

[JJRocks606]

re:

 

 

 

Love doesn't make an alcoholic stop drinking.

 

Love doesn't cause a drug addict to stop injecting deadly chemicals.

 

What it *does* is help heal the wounds from our mistakes, and help open our eyes in regards to repeating them.

 

-Rio

 

You've got a point there, but doesn't love give the support and motivation needed to repair a damaged relationship? I don't believe that anything is "beyond repair." That's what love is for, no?

[SoleMate]

...doesn't love give the support and motivation needed to repair a damaged relationship?

Yes, certainly.

 

I don't believe that anything is "beyond repair."

I don't believe that your marriage is necessarily beyond repair. It's all a matter of:

 

* how much time and effort you want to put into it

* whether your husband is willing

* whether your underlying problems (that led to the affair) can be addressed such that they will not lead to another affair

 

Please check out Marriage Builders and Willard Harley. You can use his advice on "Recovering From An Affair". It's intended for the betrayed spouse, but it should work much better when used by the wayward spouse (i.e. you).

[riobikini]

re:

" You've got a point there, but doesn't love give the support and motivation needed to repair a damaged relationship? I don't believe that anything is "beyond repair." That's what love is for, no?"

 

 

JRock, it's not a matter of whether or not something is beyond repair, -it's more a matter of what you are in *control* of.

 

Neither the free will, thoughts, or actions of another human being is one of those things.

 

You may *prompt* an emotional response, and/or a physical reaction in another, -but you will never have *control* over what someone else thinks, feels, or does.

 

That goes doubly strong with love.

 

You already have this information -it's pretty basic, we all can't help but run into all kinds of opportunities to learn it- but like many others who possess a 'die-hard' perception of romantic love, you 'forget' what you know and want to cast 'love' in the role of "The Big Fixer-upper', -a big ol' bandaid for everything that happens to *be* wrong or *go* wrong.

 

I do believe that love is *big* enough for all those problems, -but there must be *acceptance* on the receiving end of it, to make it work.

 

And that's the part nearly everyone misses, at one time or another, -especially in broken relationships where only one partner is still *in love*.

 

*We give love a bad name when we choose to be blind to the fact that it is not only our own contributions, failures, and decisions that count -it is also those same things that count in regards to the person of our focus, in the outcome of very important relationship matters.*

 

When we want something to change for the better so badly, and receive no cooperation, -and love doesn't seem to be 'working' towards the positive outcome we hoped- suddenly, we're bitter, disillusioned with the whole concept of love, and, sometimes, go into 'hiding', trying to avoid it.

 

We'll fiercely hold on to our old, but damaged, idea of the great power of love until we're either forced to change our belief, or become full of love's polar opposite: hate.

 

It's always best to soften your grip on all your old ideas and 'research' the concept rather than allow bitterness to get a foothold.

 

The 'research' begins by letting go of what you *thought* you knew about love, keeping the good stuff that worked, storing the lessons, and reworking the rest, towards your best interest.

 

Here's a thought that should make that requirement easier: true love knows no pride but it *does* know *respect*.

 

In other words, it may hurt your pride a little (or a lot) to have to admit you have no control over someone else's feelings or actions, or realize you don't have the ability to change them by showing them love, -but love, itself, demands that you still *respect* yourself and act accordingly -as well as respecting the other person's decision not to be persuaded by your display of love.

 

If you can get a handle on this, -you shouldn't be tempted, at any time in the future, to purchase a t-shirt that says " Member of the Man-haters (or Woman-haters) Club" , -nor wind up wasting hard-earned money sending monthly checks to the Love Heals Everything Foundation. (Smile)

 

Love is good, -but it not only needs someone to throw out the beam, -it needs someone to *receive* it.

 

Hope this helps you, -and anyone else who happens to need it.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[onmyownagain]

I am sorry, but I am a man and although my wife and I did split up for a while last year we are really happy now. But if I found out she had ever cheated on me, that would be it forever.

 

Whatever the problems you had in your marriage, you have finished it now for good if he is at all like me.

 

I know you don't want to here this but that is life i am afraid.

[JJRocks606]

You seem to know your stuff, Rio. Thanks for the insight. I appreciate it.

[JJRocks606]

I am sorry, but I am a man and although my wife and I did split up for a while last year we are really happy now. But if I found out she had ever cheated on me, that would be it forever.

 

Whatever the problems you had in your marriage, you have finished it now for good if he is at all like me.

 

I know you don't want to here this but that is life i am afraid.

 

Thanks for your input. I do have one question though, have you ever done anything in your life that you regretted? I'm obviously not proud of myself for what I have done, and I will have to live with my mistake til my last breath. I can't even look at the mirror without despising the person looking back at me.

If your wife ever did that to you, would you ask yourself what drove her to do this in the first place... maybe after the initial shock has worn off? I know I would if the tables were turned.

I KNOW I'm the one who has wronged here. I have caused pain to a lot of people (my husband, his family, my family) and I can never forgive myself for what I have done. ...then how can I expect anybody else to forgive me?

All I'm praying for is for the love between me and my husband to get us through this. I hope God doesn't hate me as well. Then I'd be in bigger trouble.

[onmyownagain]

Thanks for your input. I do have one question though, have you ever done anything in your life that you regretted? I'm obviously not proud of myself for what I have done, and I will have to live with my mistake til my last breath. I can't even look at the mirror without despising the person looking back at me.

If your wife ever did that to you, would you ask yourself what drove her to do this in the first place... maybe after the initial shock has worn off? I know I would if the tables were turned.

I KNOW I'm the one who has wronged here. I have caused pain to a lot of people (my husband, his family, my family) and I can never forgive myself for what I have done. ...then how can I expect anybody else to forgive me?

All I'm praying for is for the love between me and my husband to get us through this. I hope God doesn't hate me as well. Then I'd be in bigger trouble.

 

Hi,

 

I have done things in life I have regretted, and I know that when my wife and I split we both went on to meet new people (we were apart for three months) and this was hard for me to deal with, but she didn't do wrong because we were not together. But I still had months of pain dealing with this. I just wouldn't be able to deal with her having an affair.

 

I am not saying your husband will feel the same as me, but I can understand why he doesn't want to be with you now.

[Guest]

First of all, thanks for taking the time to reply. I appreciate it.

My husband would come home from his 8-5 job, eat dinner and plop down on the couch all night in front of the TV. I had a lot of activities, since I was the only one doing house chores on top of working 10 hour shifts daily. The other man knew I was unhappily married. He's also in an unhappy relationship. I guess we were looking for comfort in all the wrong places.

 

I'm a guy. Recently I was cheated on with my, I know, girlfriend. We lived together for almost 3 years, and were extremely close and attached to one another. Hang with my story as it might help you out, if not now then in the future. I went through a stage where I was extremely stressed due to being a major provider in our house among other small things. I clsoed myself to her. That was my fault. I clsoed myself so much that I neglected her much like your husband did. She got a new job, met a guy there, who paid attention to her 'made her happy', and one night she didn't come home at all. I didn't sleep at all taht night. I knew exactly what was happening.

 

My point to all of this is that your excuse is not completely valid however it does raise some validity. It is the responsiblity of both parties to try. It it is both your faults when things go wrong. I am most definitely not saying that going to the extent of cheating is an acceptable course of action, you should have recognized the warnings signs beforehand and I'm sure you will next time. The main point is that you must both take a step back and realize the fault on both ends which brought about such pain for both of you. Myself, I am hurting not only because of her betrayal, but because treating her the way I did, is in many ways just as bad. Do not use this type of vantage to assault him but rather find a way to help him see his faults as well. He isn't a child, my parents care deeply about me as well, but I'm still capable of making my own decisions and realizing my own faults.

 

Marriage is completely about commitment, and when that commitment breaks the vow is to stay committed and be there for each other. We chose to sperate from each other and I remained extremely supportive of her decisions up to the moment she walked out the door. It was really hard to do so but I love her. Now, I am making it about healing myself.

 

To me sounds a little like your husband is a little slef-centered most likley due to his parents. Give him time, give him space. Avoid contact, and let him heal. A man who truely loves a woman will be extremely hurt and will requrie a great deal of time to get over it. His first step NEEDS to be personal, make it your duty to support him in that. In the meantime, you need to start forgiving yourself, and then together make a mutual forgiveness. Time will heal. have faith the bond you once shared to give yourself strength to get through this difficult time.

 

In the end, I'm sorry to say it, but your story helps me feel a little better. My girlfriend seemed so excited about moving into her new place, I felt like trash that was just taken out and left on the corner while the fancy BMW drove downtown to party.

[JJRocks606]

Thanks you so much for your advise. I will take it to heart. I am sorry that you have to go through a painful ordeal just like I put my husband into. I cannot even imagine how hard it must be on his part. I hope all works well with you. You're in my prayers.

[Guest]

He'll still be there coming home after work and plopping in front of the telly.

 

He'll still be the daft inconsiderate a-se you cheated on in the first place. He will not change. If you go back to him, you're giving him the wrong signal - he can do what he wants, but you'll be back anyway.

 

Want my advice? - sod him - he can't make the effort - he might as well go. You won't change him. Not by coming back to him anyway. May be go to his parents and tell them what an a-se they've made.... Or just run far as you can...

[JJRocks606]

He'll still be there coming home after work and plopping in front of the telly.

 

He'll still be the daft inconsiderate a-se you cheated on in the first place. He will not change. If you go back to him, you're giving him the wrong signal - he can do what he wants, but you'll be back anyway.

 

Want my advice? - sod him - he can't make the effort - he might as well go. You won't change him. Not by coming back to him anyway. May be go to his parents and tell them what an a-se they've made.... Or just run far as you can...

 

LOL Thanks for the reply. I do want him back, because I do love him, despite him being an arse... I sincerely KNOW that neither of us gave this marriage a shot...and how can anyone know if anything would work out, if no effort was given in the first place. We got married for a reason, we love each other. I just cannot see how love can dissolve. I always thought that it's eternal, that it conquers all.

The changes I see in my husband now is...strange. When we were married (even before that actually), he barely showed any interest in going out, or having any kind of life. All of a sudden, he turned into this party animal. I can't comprehend the sudden drastic change taking place in him. It's just REALLY odd... any takes on this one?

[Love Hurts]

The inlaws butting in..... sometimes inlaws over step their bounds.

 

As in your case... Your husband is a weak man... He never cut the apron

strings from his mother. Therefore he was never a strong supportive man in your life to begin with...

 

Men like him run to mother to make 99% of the decissions in your household. Anything you want must be run through her behind your back.

Thus his mother runs two households her own as well as yours.

 

Another thing.... she had no right to throw you out of your home.

You should have hit her with a frying pan and threw her out.

 

You are so weak my child... I fear you have been over ruled by this woman and are not aware of how much power she has in where you go.

What you do and how you behave.

 

Fact* you do not have a strong relationship with your husband.

Another reason to prove that ... you ventured out of the marriage.

 

Right now you are hurt.... you are taking all the blame for what you did.

Had he been more of a man and a husband to you.... you would never have done what you did.

 

Stop kicking yourself.....

 

In my opinion it is God smiling on you. Be thankful you do not have children to him. You think you want him back desperately......

you want to make up ,,,,, more so to be forgiven than anything...

 

Forgive yourself and move on.... breath .... focus on what you lost.

Not much...

 

A rainbow is over your head my dear................

God is taking you out of a relationship.... you should not be in.

No matter what means or course HE chose to use to end it or break it.

Please see the light and keep on moving... this one is not worth going back to...

 

You are better off. Mommys boy to the end.. you were a threesome,, who needs that?

 

There are real men that love their mother but know it's time to cut the cord.

These guys know how to love and honor a woman. Value her. They know how to discuss issues of importance between the two of them..

 

That topic should have been between the two of you.. a man runs to mommy.. Mommy she was unfaithful now what do I do?

 

Come on... see the light. It is a world for two, the issues are for two.

That blow to the marriage was for two. You and your husband.

 

I can not emphasize enough that you did not have a real man.

If you want solidity in a relationship, and trust..... Where two alone have something special get a real man.

 

Move on leave the parrot in his mother cage... You are worth more and don't know it. This is one of those times a marriage should fall apart.

It should... your better than what your in. I only wish you could see that.

 

The right man will make you shine not run to another mans arms for attention you lack at home.