That old "platonic" cliche...

[confused_guy]

Hi, I've been browsing this site and I am impressed by the advice given here, maybe someone can help me as well.

 

I met my friend Diane a little over three years ago and we've been close friends since that time. Be it through different cities, schools, jobs and at times living both thousands of miles away from one another and even as roommates our friendship has persevered.

 

There was even a time (a little over a year ago) that I tried courting one of her best friends, even when I knew all along that Diane is who I've really wanted since the beginning.

 

When I first met Diane, I had just come out of a somewhat tumultuous reltionship and she was still quite involved in a serious long-term relationship...she was then, as they say "off the market", if you'll forgive that turn of phrase. Anyway, I am single now...she is over a year removed from her previous 5 year relationship and she is dating a guy which she says is definitely nothing serious.

 

We do spend a lot of time together and enjoy one another's company. Last year as roommates, our other roommates were convinced we were "more than friends"(we were both confronted about this: nervous laughter ensued on both our parts), I mean we've slept in the same bed together plenty of times but honestly I've never made a move or said a word about this to Diane for fear of wrecking our friendship. I don't know how she would react...I don't want her to think I'm a creep because of my previous attempts for the affections of her good friend.

 

Bottom line is I feel I know her as well as I know anyone and I feel like I may in fact be in love with this girl. I also think she may just reject me by saying I only think this about her because I'm single and lonely right now...I know this is not the case in this situation, I've had plenty of time to evaluate and silently ponder this dilemma. Can somebody please help me straighten this out...I love her as a friend but I feel that I want more. Thanks for reading this whole tirade!!

 

confused guy

[arthropod98]

hmmmmm . . . very interesting situation!

 

i'm thinking that since you two are such good friends, then she should be able to handle you mentioning your feelings towards her. she might feel uncomfortable and certain activities between you two may stop, but it sounds like you've given this plenty of thought, and i think you should give it a shot. simply tell her that this is INDEED something you've put a lot of thought into, it's very difficult and scary for you, and assure her she's not a "rebound" -- HONESTY!!

 

if you can't talk to your best friend about everything, then who can you talk to??

 

besides, if you don't give this a very honest and sincere attempt, you may be regretting it for YEARS to come!!

 

GOOD LUCK!!!!

Hi, I've been browsing this site and I am impressed by the advice given here, maybe someone can help me as well. I met my friend Diane a little over three years ago and we've been close friends since that time. Be it through different cities, schools, jobs and at times living both thousands of miles away from one another and even as roommates our friendship has persevered. There was even a time (a little over a year ago) that I tried courting one of her best friends, even when I knew all along that Diane is who I've really wanted since the beginning. When I first met Diane, I had just come out of a somewhat tumultuous reltionship and she was still quite involved in a serious long-term relationship...she was then, as they say "off the market", if you'll forgive that turn of phrase. Anyway, I am single now...she is over a year removed from her previous 5 year relationship and she is dating a guy which she says is definitely nothing serious.

 

We do spend a lot of time together and enjoy one another's company. Last year as roommates, our other roommates were convinced we were "more than friends"(we were both confronted about this: nervous laughter ensued on both our parts), I mean we've slept in the same bed together plenty of times but honestly I've never made a move or said a word about this to Diane for fear of wrecking our friendship. I don't know how she would react...I don't want her to think I'm a creep because of my previous attempts for the affections of her good friend. Bottom line is I feel I know her as well as I know anyone and I feel like I may in fact be in love with this girl. I also think she may just reject me by saying I only think this about her because I'm single and lonely right now...I know this is not the case in this situation, I've had plenty of time to evaluate and silently ponder this dilemma. Can somebody please help me straighten this out...I love her as a friend but I feel that I want more. Thanks for reading this whole tirade!! confused guy

[Daisy]

I think you should go for it. Largely due to the fact that if you don't, you'll have to live the rest of your life wondering what might have happened if only you had had the nerve to tell her your feelings.

 

You have to take risks in life my friend. That's what life is all about. I couldn't ever imagine loving someone like you say you do, only to decide not to say anything for the fear that she MIGHT say she doesn't feel the same about you. I mean, yeah, she might tell you she doesn't have feelings for you THAT way ... but then again, she might tell you she feels EXACTLY the same way.

 

Which would you feel better about in the long run? Telling her and finally getting your feelings out in the open, no matter what the outcome. Or never telling her anything, and living the rest of your life wishing you had.

 

I think your chances are pretty good that she feels the same way about you. More often than not, cross-gender relationships begin because two people are attracted to each other, whether it be physically or personality-wise. For whatever reason, such as current relationships, they decide to just remain friends. But that doesn't mean it can't ever develop into more.

 

So go for it. Be honest with her. Don't give her any age old lines that she's already heard. Tell her how you feel. And let her know that the decision is up to her ... that you just needed to finally tell her how you really felt.

 

And one other thing. Timing is everything. Make sure she's not REALLY involved with someone else who she really cares for. I say this because I've had this happen before. I had a guy friend that all of a sudden comes out of left field and tells me he has feelings for me, all the while he knows I was crushing on someone else at the time. That was a real hard decision to make. I honestly think that if he had asked me at a sooner time, a time where I didn't have any other guy on my mind, he probably could have swept me off my feet. Or at least I would've given it a shot. And you never know what could have happened.

 

Good luck

[confused_guy]

Wow! Thank you both so much for the advice. It is great advice for sure...I'm hoping that maybe the outcome of my predicament will be equally great. I have to be honest though, I'm feeling that she will not want to pursue anything romantically with me. Complete speculation I know, but I believe she'll say she'd be too afraid to disrupt our friendship in such a way.

 

At the same time, I'm also worried about how all our mutual friends will react towards me after she undoubtedly tells them of our "conversation". Women do talk about these things, that I do know. I don't want to lose all my female friends at once, but sometimes I feel like she's worth the sacrifice...I guess it comes down to a choice doesn't it? I just wish it didn't have to be that way.

 

She keeps telling me that she's always picturing me with some tall, classy, career-oriented woman. I'm tall, and she's well...not. She sees that a lot of the girls I've dated are tall (and by pure coincidence assuredly) blond. She has no idea I feel this way about her, I know it. She's short and brunette and thinks she is not intelligent enough for me! Talk about an inferiority complex. Perhaps she finds me to be quite shallow, but nothing is farther from the truth. I find her attractive yes, but I just love being around her, she's always genuinely happy to see me and I smile a lot when I'm around her, others see that as well. I really don't care about the trivial things that are skin deep. It's not like I've just met her, I know her really well.

 

Anyways, enough of my ranting...I just need to know how to approach this impending conversation. What do I say...and when is a good time to say anything? She's always saying she finds me attractive and fun...she should now put her money where her mouth is I guess?

 

Thanks again.

 

confused guy

[arthropod98]

are there ever any times where it's just the two of you together?? or, can you make that situation occur easily??

 

i really don't think there's any right TIME or PLACE, but there are right things to say, and that would just be what you feel! there's no perfect way to do this, and it will be difficult, but i go back to what i said before -- if she's a friend, then she should be able to handle it!

 

you only live once, my friend!!

Wow! Thank you both so much for the advice. It is great advice for sure...I'm hoping that maybe the outcome of my predicament will be equally great. I have to be honest though, I'm feeling that she will not want to pursue anything romantically with me. Complete speculation I know, but I believe she'll say she'd be too afraid to disrupt our friendship in such a way. At the same time, I'm also worried about how all our mutual friends will react towards me after she undoubtedly tells them of our "conversation". Women do talk about these things, that I do know. I don't want to lose all my female friends at once, but sometimes I feel like she's worth the sacrifice...I guess it comes down to a choice doesn't it? I just wish it didn't have to be that way. She keeps telling me that she's always picturing me with some tall, classy, career-oriented woman. I'm tall, and she's well...not. She sees that a lot of the girls I've dated are tall (and by pure coincidence assuredly) blond. She has no idea I feel this way about her, I know it. She's short and brunette and thinks she is not intelligent enough for me! Talk about an inferiority complex. Perhaps she finds me to be quite shallow, but nothing is farther from the truth. I find her attractive yes, but I just love being around her, she's always genuinely happy to see me and I smile a lot when I'm around her, others see that as well. I really don't care about the trivial things that are skin deep. It's not like I've just met her, I know her really well. Anyways, enough of my ranting...I just need to know how to approach this impending conversation. What do I say...and when is a good time to say anything? She's always saying she finds me attractive and fun...she should now put her money where her mouth is I guess? Thanks again. confused guy

[confused_guy]

Thank you, my response to this is up near the top of the index list...look for "platonic cliche" in the title.