Desperate for answers - long

[Toots823]

Hello and thank you for reading this post.

I am in desperate need of advice and need ideas on how to cope with my situation.

I am a 36 yr old divorced woman. I have been separated for over 2 years and my divorce was finalized last September. The divorce went fine and I still have a wonderful friendship with my ex-husband and father of our 10 year old son.

I met my current boyfriend in July of 04 and we have been dating since. In the beginning, much like any other relationship, things were very nice, perfect...however, from the moment we started dating and what seemed to become habitual, we started fighting 2 weeks into our relationship, and continued to do so every 2 weeks. It was so difficult.

From the beginning of our relationship there have been negative outside influences such as a female friend of his whom he has known for 15 years. This woman has always been in love with him and did whatever she could to come between us. He would discuss our problems with her and she would then bash me. I never met this woman before, and I am not stupid...I know anything she found out about me came from my boyfriends mouth, which itself was hurtful. I had asked him over and over to ask her to back off and respect our relationship. He didnt, which caused me to resent him. All he would say is that she would eventually get the hint and disappear. Well, it took a year and a half for her to voluntarilly go away because this past September I moved in with him and she told him that if that bit(h moves in with you, I'll never speak to you again. Well, I guess she found out and hasnt spoken to him since. I cant begin to tell you the relief I felt knowing she was no longer a thorn in my side.

Last year his Mother passed away and 6 months later his Sister passed away. These events were traumatic for my boyfriend.

His Mother fell ill in December 04 and passed away in April 05. When his Mother became sick, it seemed as if he was distancing himself from me.

Let's put it this way - We have not been intimate in any way, shape or form since January 05. This is the hardest part for me, and because of the absence of affection, tenderness, closeness and sex has caused me to become clinically depressed.

Needless to say, he too is clinically depressed over the loss of his family members, especially so close together.

Before I met him, we met on line on American Singles, we emailed each other extensively before we even spoke on the phone. From these detailed emails I found out that my boyfriend was diagnosed with Stage 3/4 Esophageal cancer in July of 03, underwent intensive chemotherapy for 7 months and his last treatment was in February of 04. His doctors and oncologist are floored and speechless because the chemo worked so well and killed off the active cancer. His doctors didnt think he was going to make it. He was diagnosed at the tender age of 37.

After his chemo ended and had a biopsy in June of 04, received great news from the doctors, was when he decided it was time to find a mate...enter yours truly.

I never hesitated about getting involved with a man who has cancer. He is truly a wonderful, kind, considerate person with a heart of gold. I fell in love with him almost immediately, he said he felt the same way too.

Anyway, since all of this has happened and like I said having absolutely no intimacy, hugging, hand holding, make out sessions, NOTHING since January 05, I have grown very weak emotionally and mentally. I have more days of being extremely depressed and bawling than I do happy days.

A few months into our relationship and during one of our many fights, he came out and told me that I was too overweight and I should lose weight because he does not find me attractive. I was floored! I am overweight, however not even close to obese. Im like, 20-30 lbs over weight but certainly do not come across as fat. I am short and small framed, 5'1. Yes, ideally I should be thinner, however when he compares his 95lb ex girlfriends or Victoria Secret models to me, the damage he causes is incredible.

I have since lost 20lbs with the help of my doctor. Has it made a difference? You guessed right - NO!

I have been begging and pleading with him to show me affection for well over a year and have discussed how the lack of affection has destroyed my ego, my self worth, my attitude, my emotions and my mental well being. I have told him this a million times to no avail.

He said he resents me for past arguments. I told him I resent him for a lot of things too but it never changes my love for him. I get over it on the outside but the stings remain in my mind and in my heart. I am desperate for affection from this man, my boyfriend. I crave it. I miss it. I NEED it.

I started taking antidepressants to help me cope and a month and a half ago I started speaking to a Psychologist.

It's funny - everyone I know, Friends, Family, Parents, ex husband, coworkers and even the psychologist have told me to leave. As you can tell, I dont listen to advice..I try to listen to my heart. My heart adores this man. I am breaking my butt to try to salvage this relationship, but it's so difficult. He tells me what he expects in a woman, from dressing up nice and lady-like to not swearing, to being a good Mother, care giver, home maker, shopper, cleaner, etc.

I have made so many promises to him. I kept all of them. All I asked of him was to show me his love for me, he said he would when his resentment fades and he see's that Im living up to my word, losing the weight, keeping up on the house, working on my financial problems without getting him involved.

Im doing it all, and for what? I get nothing that I want in return. Im not after money, his house, his car's, his pets...all I ever wanted from him is to show me affection..to make love to me, to passionately kiss me and to hold me. I never got it and still do not. For my borthday last year he asked me what I wanted..I told him affection, never got it..same thing for Christmas.

The fights are more often now because I am stressed and frustrated beyond belief and he is all messed up because of the losses last year, finalizing his Mother's will, trying to grow grass on the front lawn, a lot of home improvements, bills, etc. I help him in every way I possibly can. He sleeps the whole weekend away. He doesnt get anything done around the house. I do everything from cleaning to painting to doing his laundry, to rototilling the lawn and planting grass seed, to taking care of his 13 ferrets, along with a kitten we just got and his older cat and my 2 rabbits.

I am desperate for answers and advice to help me cope. He knows he has serious emotional problems that need to be addressed, actually found a shrink, but never went. I hooked him up with my therapist and he starts talking to her on Friday of this week. She told me, being she's my therapist, that she will hear his side of the story because she already knows mine and how I feel, and will then treat us as a couple to reconstruct our relationship.

He seems gung ho about it, but when we argue, he throws very nasty and hurtful things at me...what I mean by that is that he is verbally abusive towards me and rips me apart, never forgetting to throw my faults in my face, or complaining that I dont do enough and that Im not patient and understanding and need to back off so he can heal properly. He basically wants me to shut up and stay quiet, do what Im told and only then will be consider getting closer to me physically.

It is extremely hard for me to sit still, waiting what will be 2 years in January, for affection and romance. It's all I want. I want and need to feel loved, wanted, needed. It's all I've ever wanted, have asked over and over for and never get it. He'll say, I'll work on letting go of resentment and will work on the affection thing...I told him talking about it and doing it are 2 different things. Actions speak louder than words.

There are more outside influences, mostly women friends of his, who have told him that I am no good and that Im using him, that I should have never moved in, that he should dump me...nice, huh? I see one woman friend of his every so often and she's older, like mid to late 50's. He has known her his whole life. He vents to her and she tells him to get rid of me. Of course we know these women only get his side of the story. He tells me every negative thing these people have said about me, how they think of me, etc. Now Im supposed to be pleasant? Im not a phony. I will never become truly friendly with these woman because I know what they think of me.

He is an ultra friendly guy, everybody loves him and are drawn to him. I have told him this time and time again, there's something about his aura that attracts people to him.

We both have terrible insomnia. He stays up all night and falls asleep when the sun comes up. He works 3pm - 11pm. Me however, I have a 9:30am - 6pm job and can not afford to have sleepless nights because I can not make up the missed sleep and have to get my crap together all bleary eyed and drive 25 miles to work. This is so not healthy. Last night in the wee hours of the morning he took a ride, he does that, and I took 6 sleeping aids and eventually fell asleep around 2am. I woke up at 3am and looked outside and saw his car parked in the driveway. I heard talking. I went outside and asked him if he was okay and who he was talking to at 3am. It was his female friend, a friend who he has knows for a really long time. I was like, what could be so important to discuss at 3am? This woman has 2 biracial children, a single Mother, and from what my boyfriend has told me of her, she is a terrible Mother and her 2 boys are out of control, wreck the house, break things, disrespectful, etc. I dont get it. Who does that? Who freaking calls at 1 or 2am to chew the fat? Hello? How rude and inconsiderate. I went out there 3 times within the hour, asking him if he knew what time it was. He said he knew. I asked him, loud enough for her to hear, Doesnt she have kids? What the hell is she doing talking to you about nonsense when her kids will surely wake her up in 2 hours? He answered me, the kids are asleep. I said, Ok, whatever, went back inside and slammed the front door closed.

I sat in here for a while and looked outside again and his car was gone.

I flipped out. I got dressed, said F this, Im out of here and took a ride myself. I was attempting to drive while in hysterics. I came home and he was here doing yard work at 6am. I was so ticked.

Am I wrong that grown men who are involved in a serious relationship whether married or not should not have female friends who he yaks to for hours on end? Am I wrong to think that if it were these womens boyfriends or husbands doing something of this nature would tollerate what I have been forced to tollerate? Am I wrong for telling my boyfriend that if I ever did something like that Im certain he wouldnt like it? No one freaking thinks! All in all, I have always dispised women. I do not trust them, especially with men. Some do not care if they are spoken for. I know, Im a woman as well, I know how we think, the games we play, etc. I know it all, which is why I pride myself to be a cut above the rest. I am nothing close to being a bit(h. I dont nag, except for the affection. I am an extremely jealous person and have so many messed up paranoid thoughts going thru my head as a direct result of the lack of affection. I know he would never ever physically cheat on me, but would not be surprised if he developed an internet relationship with some whore. I have spied on him masterbating and my initial reaction was to throw up on the spot. How could he masterbate yet tell me he has no sexual desire and his libido is gone? Emotional damage runs very deep, however I hold onto hope. He tells me things will get better and hopefully my therapist will help him. She thinks he might have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder associated with his cancer, deaths of his Mom and Sister and several pets in between.

Please, anyone....I need help. I dont want to be alone, I adore this man and hold onto hope that things one day will change. He makes it seem like all of these things happened yesterday, when in fact they happened over a year ago, except for his sisters death in October. There's always an excuse.

Any comments or suggestions? I beg you guys, I need input on how to deal.

Thank you so much for reading my terribly long post, but there was so much I needed to tell you to give you a general idea of what Im dealing with.

Thanks again and I appreciate any comments or advice.

Mary