i know he's cheating. i need to get away. how?

[kanga]

First, This is so difficult because I wrote previously about this guy who I thought was perfect, and now, I am pretty sure that he is not.

 

Second, I know what I have done isn't cool or ethical -- please don't give me a lecture about that.

 

I found out when reading his email (he was checking his account on my computer and didn't log out. So I did the bad thing of clicking on the link and seeing what was in the inbox. I know. Bad. Awful.) that he's still with the girl I thought was the ex-gf. AUGH!

 

So, essentially, I'm the other girl. The one he's cheating with. Although I'm not supposed to know this. And he had denied in the past that he was still with her.

 

A few things:

 

1. He says he loves me. He calls everyday. We see each other three times a week or so. I don't say I love him. I am generally cold on the phone. I usually say stuff that triggers fights because I now know nothing he says is authentic. But there's the stupid girl part of me that says maybe he likes me more and maybe there's some weird reason he's still with her, and it's just easier to pretend I think he's really devoted to me. I know he's a liar. I know he's a cheater. I know he can never be trusted. I need some guidance in how to end this. Any help?

 

2. Is there anyway I can tell him, "I know you're still seeing her." I really can't say, "I saw your emails." I just can't do it. I was hoping for a clever way of entrapping him into admitting he's with her. But I know that's just devious. I think he needs to know that I know. But I don't know how to do that without revealing my own bad ways. Which he will use against me. Should I say anything?

 

3. Should I sent the other girl an email telling her that he's been seeing me? That he's been cheating on her for more than a year? I don't think it's fair for him to still get to carry on happily with this girl while I'm so sad about our end. And it's not fair for this girl to be with someone and not know what a total lying jerk he is. Or is it none of my business?

 

4. Unfortunately, we're in a situation where we will continue being around each other in a semi-professional relationship. If I want to say good bye forever, I have to leave behind a good group of friends, a social network and an activity I really love. I don't want to do that. How do I balance my feelings and hurt when I have to see him?

 

Again, I know reading his email was awful. But I already knew he was untrusting. And I already knew I had to end it. This has just helped me face the facts a little better. I'd especially appreciate any personal anecdotes to help me get through this.

[kanga]

anyone? buehler?

 

would this question be more applicable in another forum? i usually get some kind of answer.

[ronnieromance]

Shame on you. I'd cheat too, if I thought you were reading my e-mail.

 

Really...Just drop him. It's not hard. There was a girl I met on webdate that I broke up with because I found out she voted for Bush in 2000.

 

Sweet girl otherwise, but that was unacceptable.

 

 

 

-R-

[kanga]

thanks for advice. although this is a little more complex than differing over political ideaologies (which, actually, we do). and i know the email viewing was a bad move. but i already suspected so many things and he would clearly lied to me about his status while he has criticized everyone around him for lying and railed on the values of integrity.

 

this is a relationship -- or something like that -- that has been going on for almost two years. it's really not so easy to just drop him. i feel like a real idiot for falling for his lines, his gifts, his attention, etc. and despite this one major thing, somethiung that is a dealbreaker, i do really like him. but i know i can't.

[ridingthebulls]

Shame on you. I'd cheat too, if I thought you were reading my e-mail.

 

Really...Just drop him. It's not hard. There was a girl I met on webdate that I broke up with because I found out she voted for Bush in 2000.

 

Sweet girl otherwise, but that was unacceptable.

 

 

 

-R-

Shame on you. I'd cheat too, if I thought you were reading my e-mail.

Really...Just drop him. It's not hard. There was a girl I met on webdate that I broke up with because I found out she voted for Bush in 2000.

Sweet girl otherwise, but that was unacceptable.

 

-R-

 

Too funny... geez, you can't be serious! Unfortunately you need to grow up and accept that people will have opinions differing from yours. If I broke up with every man or woman who had different views than I did in various subjects, I would never have a partner! There are many marriages with two people of different political parties.. really grow up. It doesn't mean a relationship or love or respect for eachother cannot grow. And btw, people MAKE MISTAKES! The quicker you learn to accept that, the better off you will be. You are just too ridiculous.

Sounds like you were just LOOKING for a reason to dump this woman, afraid she would dump you first. Sissy

 

You would "cheat" if someone was checking your email? Give me a break. Then you obviously would have no respect for that relationship, in which she obviously has a sense (which is why she's looking at your emails) has every right to snoop and find out that fact. GROW TF UP!

[justagirliegirl]

Sure it is easy to pretend there is some logical explanation as it makes us feel better but really what will happen 2-3 years from now and this is still going on? I guarantee nothing good!

 

At this point if you are breaking up with him, who cares if you read his email. It really won't matter since he has been cheating all along and you are breaking up.

 

I would email the girl and tell her. She needs to know too.

 

I would say just get brave and confront him with what you found out and then break it off.

 

Go nc. As for the group, avoid them for awhile until things blow over.

[Vertex]

In situations like this, it is difficult because it took a wrong action to figure out how to prevent something even more wrong. Regardless, I'd just absorb it as a null point and bring it up to him directly (I mean if he asks, you can always say that he did forget to log out which was a bad move on his end). I'd also inform the other girl through an email. Just let the girl know who she's dealing with, tell the guy he's an a**h*** for cheating, and dump him. Don't initiate any more contact with either of the two afterwards, and realize you deserve someone who will commit. This is just what I would do. I have zero tolerance/sympathy/compassion for cheaters.

 

 

I had a thing with someone once and suspected they were cheating (she was always going to "see this friend of hers" but I knew something was up). So one day when I told her I'd be going downtown to do some shopping for new clothes, I instead drove to her house and caught her with the other guy in secret. I later confronted her about it, told the other guy what was going on, and left the situation and never looked back. It turned out to be the right decision, nevermind the fact that I lied. "You told me you were going downtown though!" "You told me he was just a friend and that I was your sole interest. There's no contest here." Even though I took responsibility for my lie, it turned out to be for the best: I was able to get away from a cheater, the other guy was able to as well, and the cheater learned a valuable lesson in... well... cheating.

 

Basically, he has no room to make you feel worse about reading a mail account he forgot to log out of, when he should be feeling infinitely worse about cheating.

[EnigmaXOXO]

My first reaction upon discovering evidence that my partner was cheating, would be to approach him with what I found and call him on it. At that point, it wouldn't matter one iota whether he was p*ssed off about the snooping or not … because, by that point, I'd be leaving his sorry ayas anyway.

 

The fact that you're afraid to upset him, and would rather confront the other girl than your boyfriend, means that you are more interested in getting rid of the competition than the jerk that's been deceiving you.

 

So what makes this guy worth all of this???