Why would my ex of ten years call 2 hours before his wedding?

[simplymetobe]

Hi,

I am a new poster ( I have been reading posts here for about a year).

My ex bf and I broke up April of 05. He met someone within a month and within 2 months of their meeting they became engaged. They were married last Sat. (May 27th).

Throughout all this time we have been in constant contact. Emails, IM's, Happy Hours, lunches, dinners and yes, "benefits". In fact our last IMs were two days before his wedding. The "benefits" ended about a month ago.

On Sat. I woke up and planned to do something fun for myself and to keep busy. Which is exactly what I did. However, in checking my voice mail I had a message from him stating that he wanted me to know he was thinking about me and that he would talk to me very soon. That sort of set me back a lot. This was 2 hours before his wedding!!!!!

In our many conversations I have asked many questions of him. IE: What are you going to do if this does not work? His answer: divorce her.

Are you still going to maintain contact with me? His answer: Yes.

He knows this drives her up the wall yet, he maintains that is what he wants to do and she needs to accept it. I know they fight a lot and she is very clingy. IE: I would be devastated if you ever left me, etc. He smokes cigars, she hates that and he has told her he plans to continue that also. He drinks, she hates that and he has told her that is going to continue also.

Now today, I recieved a broadcast email from him with pictures of the wedding. He sent it out to everyone he knows, including my 3 children.

He is 58 and she is 51, his third marriage and her second. Oddly enough, the pictures did not really have any effect on me. If he had sent them to me only I think I would have reacted differently.

Just to round this out, I have been moving forward and am getting on rather well in my life. I have a great job, great friends and life is pretty good.

Now that you have the history here, what are your thoughts? Why the phone call? Why does he maintain contact? Do you think this marriage will last? If not, how long do you think it will last? I have asked these questions of my friends and I am now looking for unbiased responses.

No lectures, please and no judgements. Just opinions.

Thanks.

[In Sync]

Hi,

I am a new poster ( I have been reading posts here for about a year).

My ex bf and I broke up April of 05. He met someone within a month and within 2 months of their meeting they became engaged. They were married last Sat. (May 27th).

Throughout all this time we have been in constant contact. Emails, IM's, Happy Hours, lunches, dinners and yes, "benefits". In fact our last IMs were two days before his wedding. The "benefits" ended about a month ago.

On Sat. I woke up and planned to do something fun for myself and to keep busy. Which is exactly what I did. However, in checking my voice mail I had a message from him stating that he wanted me to know he was thinking about me and that he would talk to me very soon. That sort of set me back a lot. This was 2 hours before his wedding!!!!!

In our many conversations I have asked many questions of him. IE: What are you going to do if this does not work? His answer: divorce her.

Are you still going to maintain contact with me? His answer: Yes.

He knows this drives her up the wall yet, he maintains that is what he wants to do and she needs to accept it. I know they fight a lot and she is very clingy. IE: I would be devastated if you ever left me, etc. He smokes cigars, she hates that and he has told her he plans to continue that also. He drinks, she hates that and he has told her that is going to continue also.

Now today, I recieved a broadcast email from him with pictures of the wedding. He sent it out to everyone he knows, including my 3 children.

He is 58 and she is 51, his third marriage and her second. Oddly enough, the pictures did not really have any effect on me. If he had sent them to me only I think I would have reacted differently.

Just to round this out, I have been moving forward and am getting on rather well in my life. I have a great job, great friends and life is pretty good.

Now that you have the history here, what are your thoughts? Why the phone call? Why does he maintain contact? Do you think this marriage will last? If not, how long do you think it will last? I have asked these questions of my friends and I am now looking for unbiased responses.

No lectures, please and no judgements. Just opinions.

Thanks.

 

I'm sorry but who will take your post seriously and respond without an honest reaction? How can anyone give you an opinion without making judgements?..How's this: He's thoughtless and a user. A Rather Pathological Bloke. That's unbiased. I don't know him but from the details you provided that's my opinion.

[that_kid]

What a nut bad he is...

[simplymetobe]

I'm sorry but who will take your post seriously and respond without an honest reaction? How can anyone give you an opinion without making judgements?..How's this: He's thoughtless and a user. A Rather Pathological Bloke. That's unbiased. I don't know him but from the details you provided that's my opinion.

I would hope you would take my post seriously. You can state and opinion without being judgemental, you just did. I would enjoy reading your opinions of my other questions. Thank you.

[Guest]

I would enjoy reading your opinions of my other questions. Thank you.

 

She just gave you her opinion. So did that_kid. They are both spot on and tell you everything you should really have figured out yourself by now.

 

Why on earth should anyone waste any more words on a man like that? Or on questions that no one can answer anyway? How long his marriage is going to last? Who cares!

[riobikini]

re:

 

Simplymetobe: " Why would my ex of ten years call 2 hours before his wedding? "

 

Answer: Because, when he was sweating like a pig for slaughter in his formal garb in the backroom at the church -about to make another classic mistake- his fried and scrambled, pathetically terrified little brain possessed only the capacity for *one* phone number.

 

And it happened to be the one with the most benefits attached, -yours.

 

You may not have been invited to the wedding, -but you are being invited to alot of trouble.

 

This gives new meaning to the phrase "..having your cake and eating it too".

 

He's cheating on *both* of you.

 

And you're going along with it. Ooops! -it's not your slip that's hanging, -your character is showing. His too....(Smile).

 

Let him deal with his 'marriage', -and drop this convenient -and wrong- 'friendship': as long as you keep it, you'll both be tempted.

 

-Rio

[Just Visiting]

This guy is a total d*ck. Forget about this "man". He is someone who plays on women's insecurities and emotions. Do not allow him to continue that game with you. Life is too short and you deserve a whole lot more than what this guy is giving. Give it up and do not continue any sort of contact with him.

 

You are asking "Why"? Well I ask "Why not?". You have already allowed him access to everything else after the initial split...why not call 2 hours before the wedding and continue the game? He is getting everything he wants.

[tikigods]

he called to make sure you know that he still wants you on the side and that while he is getting married that you two can still have the something something on the side that you ahve allowed him to have. He wants his cake and eat it to, and why not, you allow him to get away with doing it and he is going to keep it up till you can grow a backbone and don't talk to him ever again

[simplymetobe]

Thank you for your responses, I do appreciate them.

Any one care to answer the other questions?

[Curmudgeon]

Why the phone call? Why does he maintain contact? Do you think this marriage will last? If not, how long do you think it will last?

 

Phone Call: To make doubly sure he still has access to you.

 

Contact: To have some side meat when he wants it.

 

Marriage: Not a chance!

 

Length: Less than his previous two and/or until the two of you get caught by his new wife, which likely won't take long since he's already flaunting you to her.

 

Lectures/Judgements/Opiniopns: He's a prick. You're being used. You like it that way!

[simplymetobe]

Phone Call: To make doubly sure he still has access to you.

 

Contact: To have some side meat when he wants it.

 

Marriage: Not a chance!

 

Length: Less than his previous two and/or until the two of you get caught by his new wife, which likely won't take long since he's already flaunting you to her.

 

Lectures/Judgements/Opiniopns: He's a prick. You're being used. You like it that way!

 

Thank you for your honesty. I like someone who does not pull punches.

Believe it or not, I have no intention of sleeping with him again. However, I have no intention of stopping this friendship and it will be platonic. And, no, I do not like being used in the least.

Cold as this may sound, she knew that we are friends LONG before the wedding and he made his stance known, SHE chose to marry him anyway and fight with him about this friendship. He maintains she has NO idea about the extent of our friendship, I find that difficult to believe. I truly enjoy our friendship, why, I do not know. We have a lot of fun together and it does not always end up in the sack. We both may have been using each other.

[RecordProducer]

1. Welcome to the Other-woman forum!

 

2. He is a dog that wants to have his cake and eat it too!

 

3. He married another woman, not you - so forget him! Have some dignity!

 

4. How long his marriage will last is none of your busines as you should NOT wait for him to divorce her.

 

5. Even if he divorces her, he will still be your friend for benefits only and probably cheat on someone else with you.

 

6. Even if you're number one, he most likely will have another woman on aside as a leopard never changes his spots.

 

7. He married another woman and was in a relationship with her while doing you all this time, which means he doesn't truly love you.

 

8. You don't need a man who doesn't love you and if you believe that he loved you then ask yourself: why did he marry another woman?

 

9. This guy is bad news. Don't settle for the crumbs he gives you, regardless of whether it's a little bit of love or lots of sex.

 

10. Men are not rent-a-dick agencies; if you have enough self-respect you will search for a man who is willing to be with you only.

[scobro]

what A Complete Total Jerk-off!!!!!

[dgiirl]

Two total selfish people and a woman scared to be alone. It's sad

[simplymetobe]

Not sure who is scared to be alone, but, it certainly is not me. I have a lot of friends and keep very busy.

[simplymetobe]

1. Welcome to the Other-woman forum!

 

2. He is a dog that wants to have his cake and eat it too!

 

3. He married another woman, not you - so forget him! Have some dignity!

 

4. How long his marriage will last is none of your busines as you should NOT wait for him to divorce her.

 

5. Even if he divorces her, he will still be your friend for benefits only and probably cheat on someone else with you.

 

6. Even if you're number one, he most likely will have another woman on aside as a leopard never changes his spots.

 

7. He married another woman and was in a relationship with her while doing you all this time, which means he doesn't truly love you.

 

8. You don't need a man who doesn't love you and if you believe that he loved you then ask yourself: why did he marry another woman?

 

9. This guy is bad news. Don't settle for the crumbs he gives you, regardless of whether it's a little bit of love or lots of sex.

 

10. Men are not rent-a-dick agencies; if you have enough self-respect you will search for a man who is willing to be with you only.

 

Thanks for your response.

BTW, we were together for 10 years and he never cheated on me.

I am not waiting around, not sure where you got that impression.

As to dignity, I have plenty. Normally, I would never behave like I have the past year. Call it a BIG slip in judgement. We all have them.

As to her, personally, I think she is in for a VERY large shock as is he.

They had problems before they married (other than me) and they will only escalate now.

Perhaps you missed where I said I was NOT going to sleep with him anymore, I will have drinks, dinner, lunch, etc. with him, but, no love making. Personally, I see nothing wrong with that.

I am not waiting for him to divorce her or her to divorce him, I was just looking for opinions on how long this will last. Just out of curiosity. I really was not looking for answers I already know.

Again, thank you for your comments. While I do disagree with some, I do respect your judgements.

[RecordProducer]

I am truly sorry if I hurt your feelings in any way.

 

I just assumed taht if you wanted to know how long they would last that you hoped he'd divorce her and be with you. I still think you do. But he broke up with you and married her.

 

Lunches and phone calls will end up in bed, you'll see - and you know it too!

[Guest]

I think you two deserve each other.

[simplymetobe]

I am truly sorry if I hurt your feelings in any way.

 

I just assumed taht if you wanted to know how long they would last that you hoped he'd divorce her and be with you. I still think you do. But he broke up with you and married her.

 

Lunches and phone calls will end up in bed, you'll see - and you know it too!

 

Sometimes the truth hurts, but, I certainly would rather honesty than fluff.

I am not sure exactly what I would do if he divorced her. In all honesty, there is a part of me that would like to see your scenario develop. None the less, I was more trying to get a "read" on why he would call and leave the message he left. It was odd to say the least. Also, given his attitude about seeing me (and she knows it) and a few other things he has made clear to her (which has NOTHING to do with me) and given that it is his 3rd marriage, her second (with a VERY poor stat chance of lasting) how long it would last. My friends say 3-6 months tops. I wanted unbiased opinions. I certainly received a bunch , and no real answers to my questions.

As to lunches and phone calls=bed, I am really not sure that it will happen. In my mind, right now, it is highly doubtful. Prior to the wedding we spent a lot of time together and it rarely happened. He said it made him feel guilty and gave him mixed feelings. Me, I just felt awful. It is not in my nature to do stuff like that. My behaviour in this matter shocks me!!! Honestly.

[simplymetobe]

I think you two deserve each other.

 

WOW, that was certainly enlightening. Next time you have a thought, hold it.

[simplymetobe]

She just gave you her opinion. So did that_kid. They are both spot on and tell you everything you should really have figured out yourself by now.

 

Why on earth should anyone waste any more words on a man like that? Or on questions that no one can answer anyway? How long his marriage is going to last? Who cares!

 

No one can answer the question completely, but, they can guess or give an opinion. No one has a crystal ball. As to the question I asked, and your response of "who cares", well, obviously, I do, or I would not have asked.

Unlike you, not everyone sees things as they are immediately. It must be wonderful to be so aware of everything all the time. Tell me, how do you do it?

Hopefully you never find your self in a position of being hurt. I am sure that things will be foggy and confusing, should that ever happen to you.

And, you will ask opinions and hopefully, you will not receive answers such as you posted to me.

[Guest]

Tell me, how do you do it?

 

It's called common sense. Maybe you should try it sometime.

[Guest]

You just don't get it do you? Have you actually read any of the responses given to you? Did you ask yourself why you receive so much negative feedback?

 

Hopefully you never find your self in a position of being hurt.

 

That's rich coming from you. You come onto a board, have absolutely no qualms about accomodating a cheater (which makes you just as bad as him)and then you demand (!) non-judgemental advice from people who might have been on the receiving end of such blatant obnoxious behaviour? That just shows once again how utterly selfish and tactless you are. 'Me, me, me, me, me' is all you scream and then you berate others for taking offence at such egotism? Typical.

 

I have never cheated and I have never been involved with a cheater. Cheaters have tried it on with me and I told them to take a hike. Nor have I ever been cheated on. But at least I can empathise with the pain some people on this board have gone through because of people like you and your 'wonderful friend'. That's more than can be said for you.

 

And another thing. If you don't want to be judged, stop doing wrong. It's as simple as that.

[riobikini]

Simplytobeme,

 

In fact you *are* asking for someone to answer an impossible question: the "How long will the marriage last?" question.

 

And you're dissatisfied with the answers, -although, in my opinion, they have been extremely honest and forthright.

 

This marriage could last *indefinitely*, -that is- if you can stop meddling with the bridegroom.

 

You're calling it 'friendship' , but it's obvious that it's much more. At least, on *your* part.

 

I also ( in my *honest* opinion) think that the real 'beef', here, is not so much about any true love or even friendship between you and the ex, -but rather, about a little 'poodle-fight' between *you and your ex's new bride*.

 

You seem to be in a sort of 'competition'.

 

It's obviously all about 'winning' the guy from another woman, -and seeing just how much pain and drama you can pull out of this whole situation.

 

The more I read your posts, I'm actually, beginning to feel sorry for the poor bast*ard that's standing in the middle of this.

 

In the beginning, I was ready to "hang 'em high" where he was concerned, -now, the picture is becoming much more clear what your post was all about, in the first place, and I'm almost ready to recommend to him a far-away island in the middle of nowhere -complete with martini bar and topless dancing girls in grass skirts- just to get away from you both.

 

Stop manipulating.

 

-Rio

[RecordProducer]

Okay, I don't think there's any point in ruining this lady's day, especially since she is not a teenager, but a woman in an age that certainly deserves some respect by default. Let's be helpful or shut up.

 

Simplybeme, I think you would benefit from cutting this man off completely and finding your soul mate. You're addicted to him and wasting your precious time on someone who isn't yours. It doesn't matter whether you're 20 or 30 or 40 or 50 - whenever you stay in a relationship with no perspective, you're missing your potential opportunities to meet someone that you can grow old with.

 

I think you would be happier to have someone faithful and committed near you, with whom you could spend nice moments, perhaps travel, and have fun than stick to a man who only gives you crumbs and heartache. He belongs to another woman. The reason why you want to have lunches with him is because you fancy him and enjoy his company. For as long as you spend time with him, you are not letting him out of your heart and you're closed to the possibility of meeting and loving someone else.

 

I would advise you to stop communicating with him completely and move on. He is history now. There's a reason why he is an ex, right?

 

As to the prognosis of the length of his marriage, you never know. But usually people who marry at older age STAY married to these people. I am my husband's 3rd wife (he is 49) and he is my second husband (I am 31); we got married 6 months ago. We met online, I am from Europe, I moved to the US 4 months ago. Everybody thinks that our marriage is bulls*** because of the circumstances, but nobody knows how much we love each other. Unless he cheats on me (which I truly doubt he will), I don't think we'll ever split.

 

I know your guy has been cheating on his fiancee and maybe will keep cheating on her now that she is his wife. But many husbands cheat and still remain married. I truly doubt that he got married at 58 just to get divorced at 60! The longer they stay married the fewer the chances for them to get divorced.

 

The problems you see may not ruin their marriage to the point where they will get divorced. Why do you think he married her? You think he doesn't care about her? I think he loves - or at least likes - you both and wants to keep you both - her as a wife and you as a friend and lover. That's a bigamous way of life and certainly hurtful for both of you women.

 

I just think you would be much better off without communicating with him.