How is this happening to ME?

[sarme]

Hello,

I stumbled upon this forum and really wanted to share my story/situation for some input. I appologise in advance for the long message..

 

I recently went to a cultural event that my parents invited me out to, I don't really frequent many latin events but decided to give it a go seemed like a cool show to see. My father was talking to a man he knows from the broadcast community and whom he had become acquaitned to. He introduced our family,and he and I got to talking (we are the same age) and totally hit it off and started talking about our careers (I too am in broadcasting). He was very insistant that we should team up and do a project together so we exchanged email addys. I had turned back to talk to the people at the table but overheard my father ask him about his wife to which he responded "oh no my wife never accompanies me to these things she is very North American and not into it at all" but his tone was very negative and I remember thinking "what disdain..."

 

 

He proceeded to email me the following week and we chatted back and forth and spoke on the phone. WE threw some ideas around on what we could do together and he decided we should meet to disucss things. I want to make clear I was neither physically attracted to this man nor was I even remotely interested in him (especially after learning he was married) in any other way than professionally and for his brilliance. So we met a few times over the last month and got acquainted on our lives and our likes and goals as per this project but after the first time we had met he called me the next day and left me a message saying "hi just wanted to say hi nothing in particular" which I thought was odd. But taking into consideration that "latin folk" are a lot more free in that sense and not so hung up on professionalism and that he knew my father etc I made nothing of it and brushed it off (at the time).

 

Over the last month however the more I would talk to this man and we connected the more I started to see him in a different light. He has become overtly interested in me, exchanging nervous glances at me and I could start to sense all this after the third time we met but was not 100% so last week we had gotten together for a meeting and were going over the project but this time it was different. From the getgo he was like a child all giddyy and making me giddy and pulling our eyes away from one another because the tension was so unbearable. In between all this he would email me quite frequently and we would talk quite a bit about our lives but everytime I would ask him about his wife he would change the subject and not givem me much info. Only one of the first times he said he loved kids and did not have them but that his wife also liked kids but was still focused on career. Well after that last time it got to the point where it was very obvious to me what was going on and I found myself becoming really attracted to him he is entirely not my physical type (he is good looking but shorter than I am) but I am so blown away by his mind and his talent, he is very good at what he does.

 

 

I have to make clear I am DEAD AGAINST infidelity both being the cheater or cheating or being the third party. Having had exes lie to me I hate lies and deceit. So I laid it out in the open for him and asked him what was happening between us, to which he said "well I am totally and entirely blown away by you, that's what. I have not met a woman that has made me feel so alive and excited the way you do" So I told him then and there that we had to stop immediately contacting and seeing one another. I went through an angry phase of dissapointment because I was seriously looking forward to working with him and not we could not work together anymore.

 

 

We had been talking off and on since, on MSN and on the phone and I asked him if things were bad in the homefront and he said the main problem was the cultural difference and the fact that things were just comfortable and that I had opened his eyes up but did not give me specifics. I don't want to pry but given that we have already developed an emotional tie of sorts (which I wanted to end right here for fear of getting in too deep and going against everything I beleive in) I need to know if what happened was him finding me attractive from the get-go and using the work thing as en excuse or maybe our paths crossed for a reason (that sounds so pathetic I know and I bet a lot of people feel this way and it sounds like an excuse but what if?)

 

Well long story short he says he is crazy about me and cannot eat work or be at home without thinking of me. his life is upside down but that he has not felt like this since he was 19 and fell in love for the first time. He told me he is going to take care of his "business" in order to be with me since I told him I refuse to ever be the "other woman" I try not to do onto others what I would hate being done to me. BUT here is my huge dilemma. The more I try to cut him off the more I am drawn to him and I want to be with him, it starts off innocently enough where he will email me and say let's just talk please I need to talk to you on the weekend or evening and next thing we are sending each very romantic songs via the internet etc. (this is not a sexual thing but it is romantic) and I am loving getting to know him all the while knowing and battling the fact that he is still married, bad or not he is still there and I have no clue what his life is really like.

 

He has started to tell me he is going to do what he needs to do so that we could be together and I told him I want no part in knowing that he is making any decisions to divorce based on meeting me. HE assures me the divorce would be completely independant from meeting me but I can't help guilty. I feel terrible for knowing that this man is willing to walk away (if he does) I urged him to try couples councelling and to address whatever the problem is and yet he say yes yes I know what I need to do but at the same time he totally pursues me. he told me he is terrified that I will meet somoene.

 

I try not to go on MSN when I see him but he will email me and try to phone me several times (of which I won't pick up) but I am fighting so hard because I really enjoy him when we do speak.

 

We saw each other one last time so that I can put and end to all this, this weekend. I also wanted to see if what we are feeling is real and it most certainly is and this is why I have to cut him off cold turkey, each line that we cross (emotional line that is) gets us closer to the ultimate line I never even imagined I would be close to.

I have so many emotions and at the same time things are just so clear for me, morally speaking, yet I seem to allow myself to slip a little here and there and respond to his emails etc. and I can't understand why I am acting this way. I date a lot and choose to be ------------single at present and the last thing I was expecting was to meet someone that night but getting to know him made me also realise that I miss my roots and I find someone who is also living in north america with the same cultural background, goals and personality simlarities to mine is very appealing to me. So much so that I am willing to overlook the fact that he is a few inches shorter than me (I know that sounds superficial but I surprise myself)

 

I'm not sure why I am sharing this story with everyone but I hope it will inspire those of you who have been in similar positions to share your insight with me.

PS I am not looking for approvals or "there theres" I am simply looking for people who can share insight.

thanks in advance

Sam-

[Blind Illusion]

Welcome. I wish I had some insightful words for you but sadly, I don't. It's always when we least expect to meet people that we do. I recall that feeling of beginning to fall for the other party and almost being unable to stop the tide on that one. Like I said, little advice here but i did want to welcome you anyhow.

 

It does sound like you have already passed that emotional point of no return.

[sarme]

Thank you for your warm welcome Blind Illusion. I suppose you are right I have passed that point of no return emotionally, which is why I need to cut all contact.

 

What worries me most is what if things don't work out if he does leave his wife to be with me, then the guilt for me will be unbearable because even thought I know I did not pursue this I feel a great sense of bittersweet remorse.....sigh....

[Fun2BMe]

He doesn't feel as close to his wife because of their cultural difference. He doesn't talk much about her to you. He is into you. If he leaves her and it doesn't work out with you then it won't be your fault. He doesn't sound happy with her anyways. If you cut ties with him, he won't have you to compare his wife against and things might go well between them once again.

[suegail]

Sadly, if you ever wind up having him, as yours, your man, yours to have and to hold, you'll probably come to understand why his marriage has had problems. He seems wonderful and you're swept away, but you don't live with him, you don't know him. And it's clear you're already feeling regret and you're anticipating more regret....and that's exactly right...listen to those warning bells.

 

I've been through this one, my friend. I know whereof I speak. In fact the first post I ever put up on this site had to do with the experience I had. You can go back and read it. I tried to paste a link, but it wouldn't work for some reason, but the title of the post was "Sadness for a long time to come" and I hope you'll read it.

 

Please don't make the mistakes I made. It does leave you with a haunting sense of terrible regret and remorse.

[babydoll_mimi]

Hon, you're not pressuring or encouraging him to leave her. In fact, it sounds like you did the opposite. If he leaves her, you have no reason to be guilty b/c it was HIS choice. Also, it sounds like this was a marriage destined to fail anyway, regardless of whether or not he had met you. My only advice is that if you've gone this long w/out making it a PA, please try and keep it that way until he's divorced. I think I speak for everyone here when I say that taking that next step only complicates things a hundred times more. And as for meeting him when you planned to be single, etc... Obviously life would work out so much easier if things happened as we planned, how we planned them. Kind of reminds me of how people say, "If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans." Keep your chin up and stay strong hon. PS - I'm beginning to think that only women named Samantha are involved w/ MM. Lol, that's my real name, and I've found several other Sam, Sami, Sammy's on here.

[Guest]

Well I did it! I wrote him a letter after his conitual emails and told him this was as far as I would go. He was asking to see me to get together with me tomorrow and I told him. No that's it. I told him this is not who I am and this is not what I want for me. I don't know that his situation is all that bad with his wife, I don't know what the heck is going on in his personal life and at the end of the day why should I believe anything he says. Coming here and reading back what I wrote last night made me realsise how much I was losing myself in this situation and I am so glad I found this site and wrote my thoughts out.

 

Today he wrote me back and told me that I am 100% sure and that he feels terrible too for having put me in this situation. He told me that this had never happened to him before and that he feel grossed out by his actions because he too was going against everything he believed in. (sounds like maybe he might be considering working things out with his wife I suppose)

He told me I was the most amazing woman that he had ever met and wished me the best and said that destiny will tell what will happen between us. (Whatever THAT means)

 

I am mad at myself for being so stupid and letting this guy rap me around as I did but I am ever so thankful I listened to my inner voice. The thing is though I feel sad…..

[sarme]

HA! I picked the name Sam out of a hat lol. Thank you for your kind words though you all make so much sense..

 

Well I did it! I wrote him a letter after his conitual emails and told him this was as far as I would go. He was asking to see me to get together with me tomorrow and I told him. No that's it. I told him this is not who I am and this is not what I want for me. I don't know that his situation is all that bad with his wife, I don't know what the heck is going on in his personal life and at the end of the day why should I believe anything he says. Coming here and reading back what I wrote last night made me realsise how much I was losing myself in this situation and I am so glad I found this site and wrote my thoughts out.

Today he wrote me back and told me that I am 100% sure and that he feels terrible too for having put me in this situation. He told me that this had never happened to him before and that he feel grossed out by his actions because he too was going against everything he believed in. (sounds like maybe he might be considering working things out with his wife I suppose)

He told me I was the most amazing woman that he had ever met and wished me the best and said that destiny will tell what will happen between us. (Whatever THAT means)

I am mad at myself for being so stupid and letting this guy rap me around as I did but I am ever so thankful I listened to my inner voice. The thing is though I feel sad…..

[norajane]

Good for you! A little sad is NOTHING compared to the agony you would feel getting deeper involved with someone who is married.

[movinon05]

Good for you!!

 

You know, its okay to be sad. But you just saved yourself more emotional angst and heartbreak that is sometimes almost impossible to deal with. Try looking at it that way.

 

Go on and look for someone free who will give you the happiness you deserve.

[rossm]

Well I did it! I wrote him a letter after his conitual emails and told him this was as far as I would go. He was asking to see me to get together with me tomorrow and I told him. No that's it. I told him this is not who I am and this is not what I want for me. I don't know that his situation is all that bad with his wife, I don't know what the heck is going on in his personal life and at the end of the day why should I believe anything he says.

 

Congratulations! You really did need to walk away before you got in too deep. It sounds like you were very rational and level-headed about it from the beginning, but as you can see, it is very easy to get sucked in regardless.

 

He'll probably be back. Keep a strong resolve and stand your ground.

[sarme]

So after our no more contact unitl he resolves his issues conversation I get an email from him today at work that he wants me to know that he has confided his situation to his mother. His mother lives abroad in Europe and he says he had had to discuss all this with someone he knew loved him unconditionally and would only want the best for him. He also said he wants to prove to me that he a) is serious about how he feels about me and b) assuring me that this has never happened to him before. I asked him what her advice was and she told him exactly what he already told me, that he and his wife are just too different culturally and that he is more family oriented while she really isn't, basically they are too different. He also said that she asked him are you sure this is not just a sexual thing? to which he said "no, because there is no sex or any form or physical contact."and that is completely true.

 

Now here is the thing, I don't know if I should beleive him that he actually talked to his family or is he just saying that to reel me in since I was the one who initiated the no more contact rule.

 

A part of me wants to believe him another part feels like he is trying to trick me into staying in touch with him. I can't help but wonder is this is what life with this man will always be like if we do get together? Me second guessing that he has some trick up his sleeve.

I am also becoming worried that what if he is serious and I find I am not even that into him down the line when we get to know each other.....

 

oh I know I sound crazy but I have so many thoughts racing in my head and feelings of guilt...this is pretty crazy!!

[Guest]

It always seems to start off as an innocent situation but as adults we all know what they turn into. Truth is that everyone knows better but when you come across a person that makes you feel right, sometimes it just doesn't matter how married the person is. When you do find yourself in that situation and you turn away, you later realize what a stronger, better person you are and that is what life is about.

[norajane]

I don't know if I should beleive him

 

is he just saying that to reel me in

 

A part of me wants to believe him

 

another part feels like he is trying to trick me

 

is this is what life with this man? Me second guessing that he has some trick up his sleeve.

 

I am also becoming worried

 

oh I know I sound crazy

 

feelings of guilt

 

 

Doesn't sound like you think it's a good idea, either. Regardless of what he is or isn't doing, you yourself have some serious doubts. Pay attention to that.

[whichwayisup]

I am also becoming worried that what if he is serious and I find I am not even that into him down the line when we get to know each other.....

Tell him that then.

Now here is the thing, I don't know if I should beleive him that he actually talked to his family or is he just saying that to reel me in since I was the one who initiated the no more contact rule.

 

Remember, he's been LYING to his wife, so why wouldn't he lie to you too. Don't think he's always upfront and 100% honest with you 24/7.

 

His actions will speak louder than words. He's in NO position to be promising or wishing anything with you. The day his divorce papers are signed is the day he should be letting you know he's available...Until then, I seriously would take this as "his" reaction to the NC. HIS needs, his feelings...He wants to have his cake and eat it too. Don't BE that OW for him so life will be excellent "Just" for him. PUT Yourself first!

[Fun2BMe]

Personally my gut tells me that he is bulls***ting about having talked to his mother. What mother wouldn't say workk on your marriage? instead of to let it go for a woman he has not even been sexually active with and known all that long. He is using that as a way to paint an innocent portrait of himself. He seems a little deceptive and untrustworthy, eager to have your attention. Why don't you call his bluff by asking to speak to his mother yourself? You can tell him you have some questions she might help you to understand better about his situation to make you feel more comfortable to decide if you should see him again.

[zarathustra]

So after our no more contact unitl he resolves his issues conversation I get an email from him today at work that he wants me to know that he has confided his situation to his mother. His mother lives abroad in Europe and he says he had had to discuss all this with someone he knew loved him unconditionally and would only want the best for him. He also said he wants to prove to me that he a) is serious about how he feels about me and b) assuring me that this has never happened to him before. I asked him what her advice was and she told him exactly what he already told me, that he and his wife are just too different culturally and that he is more family oriented while she really isn't, basically they are too different. He also said that she asked him are you sure this is not just a sexual thing? to which he said "no, because there is no sex or any form or physical contact."and that is completely true.

 

Now here is the thing, I don't know if I should beleive him that he actually talked to his family or is he just saying that to reel me in since I was the one who initiated the no more contact rule.

 

A part of me wants to believe him another part feels like he is trying to trick me into staying in touch with him. I can't help but wonder is this is what life with this man will always be like if we do get together? Me second guessing that he has some trick up his sleeve.

I am also becoming worried that what if he is serious and I find I am not even that into him down the line when we get to know each other.....

 

oh I know I sound crazy but I have so many thoughts racing in my head and feelings of guilt...this is pretty crazy!!

tell him he can contact you after the divorce papers are signed.