He called me by her name...

[Guest]

Hi, Ok, I just typed this more or less same story a few hours ago, but it never got posted, maybe it's lost somewhere in cyberspace.

Anyway, short version:

 

Ive been with my boyfriend for quite some time

Before me, he had a serious relationship with a girl, Ill call her Anna, which lasted 2 years

About 2 months after their breakup, me and him started dating, which soon evolved into a serious relationship

However, untill about 4 months into our relationship, he still had her photo in his wallet. I told him it made me uncomfortable, and he took it out right away, claiming he hadnot realised it was still there.

Now, last week, he called me by her name, asking me what I wanted to eat and drink.... I got upset, he right away said he was sorry, that he loves me, doesnt want to be with her, etc etc.

I know he still talks to her online, and has thought about meeting up with her again. There are photo's off her on his pc everywhere, his friends keep talking to me about her, last week at a party in one of his friends house's there were all these pictures of him and his ex hanging there. I know that's all fine, but I really dont know what to think of him calling me by her name. Its bothering me although we had a big talk about it a few days ago and resolved it. Now I have had time to think about it, it still bothers me. I havent told him yet, I dont want to whinge, but I am just not sure he is over her and has no feelings for her anymore, although he has tried to convince me of that since it happened.

 

ANyone, please help... What do you think I should do? Should I let it go?

[Alexandra-Girl]

I suggest that you talk to him. Keep calm about it. Tell him that you don't mind the pictures, after all I'm sure you have some of your own. This is natural to have photos of the past. With this said, you need to talk to him to make sure that she is in fact part of his intimate past, and not someone who may be in his intimate future. As someone he loves, he should man-up and tell you the truth. I suggest you tell him that you are fine with her as a group friend, but as anything more -- you're not. This allows you to be in contact with her as well, perhaps she isn't seeking a rekindling of something between them. Be truthful about how it affects you, tell him that it is not just her interaction with him (the feeling of secrecy), but the interaction you receive from his friends (the arising gossip). If you don't find out now, this could cause a bump in your relationship through the elevation of fear. It could be alleviated now with his help.

 

As for the name calling, I would treat it as harmless until you have spoken. Remember, you spoke to him once about this, and he immediately removed the picture. There was respect then, there is most likely respect now. He seems like an understanding man, who seeks to fulfill his partner. You could also take it as a compliment that he still has contact with his past relationships -- it shows he's not an utter ass like some men. You seem to be an understanding woman, who has her head on her shoulders. You're not willing to fly off the handle over this, which he will admire. Keep your cool. Good job.

 

Funny happening - I once called out the name Chris to my old fiance. What was funny about it, was that I didn't even know a Chris until three years afterwards. Sometimes, people put too much emphasis on fruedian slips.

 

Good-luck,

Alexandra.

[niceguy12883]

I thought I would offer a guys perspective on this, maybe it will help. I recently (about 3 months ago) broke up with my girlfriend of 3.5 years. I started talking to her off and on after about 2 months b/c I felt that there wasn't complete closure, somthing was still up in the air. After talking to her the other day, I received the closure I was looking for. Sorry for rambling, I just wanted to give you a background so you could see where I was coming from.

 

As for the pictures, this one is a little complicated and I don't know how to read it. I removed all picture and reminders around my room of my ex two to three weeks after the break up. It was part of the healing process, and let me figure things out without her clouding my mind. I left the ones on my computer b/c they are out of sight. It's true, I don't believe deleting or destroying pictures will help, b/c your past is your past and those experiences and memories build the person you are today. However, I don't know why he still has them hanging around in plain view. My only thought is he isn't completely healed and some emotions are still attached to his ex, but that doesn't mean he would want to leave you for her. Even though I don't know the dynamics of your bf's previous break up, I would say you are definitely the center of his attention, but there doesn't seem to be complete closure with his ex.

 

So on to the name slip. To be completely honest, I still think about my ex everyday. The love, memories, and pains. Over time I am thinking about her less and less, but being with someone for so long it's near impossible not to think of the person. I catch myself saying her name, out of habit, in some situations, but I correct myself right away. I truely believe that he just called you by her name b/c your actions (or his) sparked something in his memory that reminded him of her, nothing more. It's hard to change something that has been hard wired for two years in just four months.

 

The one thing I've learned over the past three months is to trust your gut completely. If you feel something is bothering you, confront it, b/c if you don't, it will cause problems in the future. Please let me know if you need any clarifications or have any questions. Thanks.

[basscatcher]

I thought I would offer a guys perspective on this, maybe it will help. I recently (about 3 months ago) broke up with my girlfriend of 3.5 years. I started talking to her off and on after about 2 months b/c I felt that there wasn't complete closure, somthing was still up in the air. After talking to her the other day, I received the closure I was looking for. Sorry for rambling, I just wanted to give you a background so you could see where I was coming from.

 

As for the pictures, this one is a little complicated and I don't know how to read it. I removed all picture and reminders around my room of my ex two to three weeks after the break up. It was part of the healing process, and let me figure things out without her clouding my mind. I left the ones on my computer b/c they are out of sight. It's true, I don't believe deleting or destroying pictures will help, b/c your past is your past and those experiences and memories build the person you are today. However, I don't know why he still has them hanging around in plain view. My only thought is he isn't completely healed and some emotions are still attached to his ex, but that doesn't mean he would want to leave you for her. Even though I don't know the dynamics of your bf's previous break up, I would say you are definitely the center of his attention, but there doesn't seem to be complete closure with his ex.

 

So on to the name slip. To be completely honest, I still think about my ex everyday. The love, memories, and pains. Over time I am thinking about her less and less, but being with someone for so long it's near impossible not to think of the person. I catch myself saying her name, out of habit, in some situations, but I correct myself right away. Depending on the situation, I truely believe that he just called you by her name b/c your actions sparked something in his memory that reminded him of her, nothing more. It's hard to change something that has been hard wired for two years in just four months.

 

The one thing I've learned over the past three months is to trust your gut completely. If you feel something is bothering you, confront it, b/c if you don't, it will cause problems in the future. Please let me know if you need any clarifications or have any questions. Thanks.

 

Excellant post!!...

 

 

Guest--Your bf isn't over his X.. He is in contact with her and he calls you her name. She is still in his mind more then a casual friend and he hasn't let go of his feelings for her.

 

The last guy I dated he called me his xgf name several times. He was talking to her and called her my name a few times.

He got red faced, uncomfortable and apoligized for calling me her name when he recognized doing it. There were several times he didn't catch himself and his kids did. Her name and mine have the same about of letters and end with the same letter so its is kind of similiar..

I couldn't get use to it. I didn't like it and I knew it wouldn't stop until he is completely over her.

 

He and I are associates now. We are no longer together as a couple.

I feel much better now that I don't worry about him, her, us.

[tikigods]

On JUST the issue of the name slip I will say that my husband has called me his ex wifes name in the past, but it was always when he was angry (heh which is funny cause like niceguy said you tend to do it when it triggers a memory and all he can think about is how much she drove him up the wall ;D) it only happened twice and he always apologized up and down left and right for doing it. He is in no way still hung up on her, but he did spend a lot of time with her and it just slipped. Your boyfriend never had time to heal from the last relationship, and since he talks to her still you know that she remains fresh in his mind. It could have just been a silly mistake that you both can laugh about.

 

But

When you add up everything else that is going on, the pictures, the talking to, the wanting to go see her again, the fact that he never had time to be himself and just be by himself before rushing into another relationship, all adds up that I don't think he is over his ex.

 

I suggest sitting him down and telling him that it hurt your feelings that he did that and really ask him why he is holding onto her so much.

[amsterdamgirl]

 

I suggest sitting him down and telling him that it hurt your feelings that he did that and really ask him why he is holding onto her so much.

 

So, my login attempt failed when I posted this, but its working now.

I appriciate all your reply's, and nice guy, thanks for a guys view!

 

Problem is, we've talked about it, and he keeps on telling me it meant nothing, he is over her, he doesn't think about her anymore etc. This was last week. Since then, I havent seen him (both very busy) but he phones, emails and texts everyday, just like usual, and I pretend everything is fine. But, it is still in my mind... What should I do? Should I talk to him AGAIN and have the big talk AGAIN, or try to forget it? Do you think I have reasons to talk to him about it or am I overreacting?

 

Thanks so much for all your reactions!

[Vertex]

In a relationship sometimes you get used to saying someone's name -- it becomes a reflex. It just becomes second-nature and engrained in your communication patterns with that person. It usually isn't anything to worry about unless there are other signs.