Ladies? Should I excuse her because of PMS?

[AManWithTroubles]

Some of you may remember me from my previous threads, where I suspected my wife of an emotional affair, and then when she went on and tried to divorce/separate from me without counseling. Well, the emotional affair isn't happening, not sure if it was, but they are not communicating at all now. She quit her job, for other reasons, they were horrible to her. The marriage, for her part, as she claims, is good. We have gone through counseling, and she claims to love me now. We have been married ten years, and have three children.

 

So, I have finally gotten a degree I have been working on, to help our family out financially. As a gift from her parents, they sent us on a vacation. We went to Eastern North Carolina, really nice, somewhat quiet for a beach area, and nice warm weather. Right after I graduated, the wife was really close to me, hugging me, kissing me, very happy, very close. Then her mother told us that we were going to lose one of the days from our vacation, because of something she had to do. My wife suddenly changed her mood. She distanced herself, argued with me over silly stuff, and became very b**chy over all. It was all over from there.

 

Well, the next day, we got our day back, and I was excited. My wife was happy, but she never came back to her "loving" side. My wife has also been calling this vacation our "honeymoon" since we never technically got one. When we arrive at our hotel, I am lying in bed, looking at my wife. I'm just happy to have some time alone with her, just the two of us, away from everything. She yells at me, asking me why I'm looking at her. I tell her that I am just admiring her, and happy to be alone with her. She tells me that I am playing mind games with her. I tell her that she is playing mind games with herself, that I am really just trying to admire my wife. She says something to the effect of admiring her a**(butt). Ok, we're off to a good start.

 

So, we sleep, no holding, nothing. After some things the next day, I am, well, you know, trying to get somewhere with my wife, after all this is our vacation together, our "honeymoon". She walks away, yelling that she is tired of being a toy or an observatory specimen, or some kind of words like that. I can't remember her words, but it had to do with her being tired of me looking at her or touching her. Up to this point, I had been pretty nice. I was being very friendly, talking about anything that comes up, not about our relationship or sex. I have been trying to keep the situation relaxed and feel-good. Well, this sent me over the edge. I yelled back, telling her that she needs to really be a little bit nicer, if this really is our vacation/honeymoon. Because I was beginning to feel like she wanted a vacation away from me.

 

Third day, and we hadn't had any sex yet. I was becoming very upset, and told her. Not sure what I said, but she asked if I thought that we were going to come down here and have 96 hours of sex. I said, no, of course not, but I sure did figure that I could make love to my wife at least once by the third day. And that her attitude and actions had created a very hostile environment. I could probably take the lack of sex, if it weren't for her nasty comments, when I was attempting to be as care-free as possible about it. I didn't want to ruin my one and only vacation/honeymoon. Then I explained to her that she needs to stop dumping her negative attitude on me. I'm tired of apologizing for every bit of hostility between us, even if it's not my fault. I always do it; if we argue or fight, it's always me coming back with an apology, trying to bring peace.

 

Well, long story short, I think we had sex once on our five day vacation, and it was not good at all. I wished I was home taking care of business myself, it lacked any enthusiasm on her part whatsoever. And I realized at one point that she is PMS'ing, she should be begin her bleeding within the next day or two. Is this an excuse for her actions? Or can't women really differentiate between what is real hostility and put PMS aside for what they consider to be their honeymoon?

 

Otherwise, this last incident got me really thinking about divorce again. I kind of really want to end this marriage, but the whole family thing makes it difficult. I have spent the last ten years trying to soften the blow of any negative things towards my wife. I try to protect her, mainly because when things don't go right for her, she channels her negative emotions towards me. When she is unhappy with work, I get yelled at, as if it were my fault. When the kids make her unhappy, I get yelled at. So I have been running around, trying to make things as pleasant as possible for her, just so that I can live peacefully with her. In the beginning, I didn't realize this, and I found out that she has a really short temper, and that when it blows, there's no coming back for her. She locks up, and just refuses to listen to reality. I'm tired of doing this for her. I'm tired of taking the blunt of her problems. I'm tired of losing out on a honeymoon, because of things I have no control over. I can't do it anymore. My happiness with my wife has way too many variables, and I'm stressing myself too much trying to control these variables.

 

I am seriously thinking of selling our house, splitting it maybe 70/30, 70 to her, and just giving her whatever amount of money I can, just to end this all. Should I forgive her for this honeymoon, because she is PMS'ing, and her mother angered her before the whole ordeal. Can't a wife determine that if she really loves her husband, that she shouldn't be so angry towards him on a "romantic" getaway. She lowered my high from graduation, and I was on quite a high, I even graduated Magna Cum Laude. I have the world in front of me right now, and I don't think I want my wife to take the rest of the journey with me. I would love to have the children with me, but I will work that out with my wife. I love her, seriously, but I just can't stand her actions anymore. I would like to find someone else out there, who wouldn't do this to me. Or would all women do this just because of PMS?

 

Please help me, ladies, because I seriously love her, but I'm feeling hurt by her way too often. Am I expecting too much?

[Guest]

No, it's not PMS. You said so yourself - she takes her anger out on you and treats you like s*** ALL the time.

 

PMS is a real issue for many women, but it's not an excuse or justification for bad behavior. I suggest you see a divorce lawyer (alone) and discuss your options regarding the house/kids. Your wife isn't even trying, so it's not likely you can work things out without that.

[Annacabana]

My pms sounds like your wife's. I honestly feel out of control with my negativity during that time of the month. It isn't an excuse though to emotionally abuse you. She needs to practice some self control. If she can't say anything nice, well you know the rest. It sounds like the counseling didn't help. Did she figure out why she has so much hostility towards you? She doesn't sound like she is happy and is taking it out on you.

 

 

Extra calcium and exercise is supposed to help with PMS. If she tries that and it doesn't work, maybe she needs to try medication. Some women take antidepressants when they are PMSing, or they are on birth control to help regulate their hormones.

[norajane]

I suppose it could be some PMS, but it sounds like she treats you like s*** ALL the time, so I don't believe you can blame it on PMS and sweep it under the rug.

[InLovebutConfused]

I don't know how old your wife is, but my cousin went through the same thing with his wife - 3 out of the 4 weeks she was just majorly b**chy- her dr put her on HRT (Hormone Replacement Theraphy) and he said she is so much better now.

[michelangelo]

for treating you so poorly all the time, much less while on a "honeymoon"

 

I'm pretty sure most men and women figure they are going to be making love during such a thing.

 

why not ask her directly why she behaved so badly and treats you like s***?

 

Don't scream it at her, but calmly list how things played out on the vacation. see if she agrees or tries to flip it back to you.

 

If she tells you that you wore the wrong socks to dinner and it pissed her off, then you know what you are dealing with.

[Pink_Tulip]

If you are specifically asking about PMS, it affects everyone differently. For me, exactly three days before my period, I get really grouchy and sad. Sad to the point of crying hsyterically for no reason, and my patience and tolerance completely disappear. At the time I really don't recognize it. It's hard to explain, but I get so caught up in the sadness and helpless feeling I can't think logically enough to say hmmm, must be PMS. Of course the next day I can look back and realize how ridiculous I was acting.

 

Even tho my husband had a vasectomy years ago, I went back on bc pills last year b/c I just couldn't deal with the PMS anymore. My H was a trooper, but it was obviously hard on him too. BC pills are a godsend for me. No PMS at all. Love it!

 

I do want to echo some of the other posters tho. As bad as my PMS was, it lasted one, two days max. The rest of the month I was my normal, sane, self. If your wife treats you like this all the time, I really can't attribute any of it to PMS unless she has some serious medical issues going on, in which case she needs a doctor.

[whichwayisup]

PMS isn't an excuse. She's being mean and a bitch PERIOD.

 

There's more going on and you know it. PMS IS controllable and she isn't making ANY effort to not let it get in the way. She's using it as an excuse to treat you like s***. Pardon me for being blunt. She's on holidays, a second honeymoon and she's letting her mom, PMS and whatever else BUG her and ruin your alone time together. To me, it seemed she did that so you two wouldn't have to be intimate.

 

You shouldn't have to walk on egg shells like that with your wife!

 

Either she starts being active, doing yoga, getting B12 shots or whatever to make her feel better or she just has to not talk to anybody when she's in that state of mind.

 

I feel for ya though.

[Lennox]

First things first. Why do you think she feels you're objectifying her to the point she feels like a "toy"? Is there anything that could have happened between the two of you, something you've been arguing about, that this stems out of?

[AManWithTroubles]

To Lennox. Well, I don't know. I thought we worked our differences out in counseling. She came to the conclusion that all the fuss was over some slight misunderstandings of each other, that got blown out of proportion. She was acting pretty happy with me up until the day of this graduation. And even the sex was getting decent. There was a couple times when she was practically raping me.

 

So I guess I figured that we were ok in the physical intimacy department. And I really thought that it would be ok for me to have sex with my wife on our romantic vacation/"honeymoon". Yet, when she yells at me about trying to have sex, I feel guilty for even thinking that sex is an option. And when she creates this barrier, I can hardly even attempt foreplay of any kind. She pushes me away, keeps a nice distance, and moves away if I get close to her. That's how she is more often than not.

 

I tend to think that she is always going to be this way. She acts the same way with our children most of the time. She always wants everyone away from her. I guess I'm just tiring of this...

 

Never mind. I just can't break up my family over this. I just need to come to terms that I will actually be spending the rest of my life mostly alone, even though I'm married. If I expect things from her, it just makes her angry and she feels guilty for being how she is. Then she falls out of love, which is what happened here recently.

 

I just don't know anymore. I don't really know what to expect from a marriage, but I guess in my head, there's more. Maybe I'm just wrong. Maybe I should stop measuring my marriage, and be happy with whatever I have, or what little bit I have.

[whichwayisup]

She pushes me away, keeps a nice distance, and moves away if I get close to her. That's how she is more often than not.

 

I tend to think that she is always going to be this way. She acts the same way with our children most of the time. She always wants everyone away from her. I guess I'm just tiring of this...

 

It's one thing for her to do that to you, but she CANNOT push her own kids away. She obviously has some sort of intimacy issues going on or is scared of getting to close to ANYBODY. I'm sorry, but a MOM can't be doing that to her own kids. They interpret that as "mommy doesn't love me..." I know that's not true, I'm sure she loves and adores the kids, but the kids may feel neglected by her actions.

She needs to go talk to someone. Her actions are damaging for the kids. Whatever it is from her past, childhood, upbringing -It's affecting life NOW and that's not a good thing. For you, for the marriage, for the kids and for your whole family.

[sumdude]

It really sounds like some deeper seated emotional issues and the PMS is a compounding factor. Has she ever seen a therapist for herself and is there any chance to get her to consider it? Obviously approaching her with such a thing will require patience and tact of high magnitude.

[ronnieromance]

I appologize. I appologize for not reading your post. But I will say you should never forgive her for PMS. Not because you should be indifferent to it, but because she should have enough respect for you to not take things out on you under the guise of such.

 

-R-

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

A man with troubles:

 

Ok, I'm going to be frank with you. You have several things going on right now:

 

1. It doesn't appear to me that marriage counseling has helped if the two of you are still so disconnected. She's yelling on her honeymoon... yet your mind is on something else. You don't have a clue as to waht is wrong, but she's obviously angry about something.

 

2. You are in denial regarding your true anger with her. Come on, if you are willing to split 70/30 in her favor, then how can you state in the next sentence about how 'you love her'? I don't think YOU know what YOU want... so don't blame her for not knowing what she wants!

 

3. She has anger problems and it is clear to me that she is not willing to work on that. Are you willing to continue deal with this?

 

4. She expects you to be able to read her mind. She interjects a lot of sarcasm in her tone... and I think that you miss most of them!

 

Honestly, I think that you need some individual counseling to sort out your troubles. You wife sounds like a crazy b*tch - you need to know why you want to put up with that! A marriage is not supposed to be like this... much less your honeymoon. And I don't buy the PMS thing.

[Love Hurts]

You've had enough abuse........... Take your losses......... move on.....

You will find a female that wants you..........appreciates you.

 

She will scare off a man.................. your chances of rebuilding a new life with another appear to be better than hers.

 

She is accustomed to mistreating you.......... old habbits die hard.

She will carrie over those same traits into the next relationship..........

 

Who needs that.

 

Get out now.............. enough is enough

 

Good luck

[AManWithTroubles]

Well, time has gone by, but everything seems weird now. She has been mostly nice since we've been back home, around the house. But I think I have stopped caring about her in the same way. It's strange.

 

There are times I'll be working here on my computer, and she falls asleep on the sofa. I used to drag her into bed with me. I used to get mad when she wouldn't sleep with me. But now it's like I don't care. I go to sleep, and I'm comfortable being in bed alone.

 

And I'm not trying to spend time with her. I used to try and squeeze time in with her whenever I could, even if I felt like she didn't want me around. But now I'm not even attempting this so much.

 

And sex? I don't even feel the desire to have sex with her. Actually, I kinda don't have the desire at all. But I'm having dreams every night, and in these dreams I meet and fall in love with someone new and different. A different girl every night.

 

I can't explain the way I am right now. It's not like I want to be distancing myself, it's just that when I reflect on the day, or the week, I realize how I have been. Did I suddenly fall out of love? Am I subconciously punishing her? I'm about to go to sleep now, but I don't want her in bed with me. She has brought it up, so now I at least make a half-ass attempt at getting her attention for bed-time. I know this behavior can't be good for our relationship, but I really think it's time for her to make a move or two. I hate being so responsible for all of the affection between us. It's so hard to decide when the right time is for both of us.

 

G'night all.

[Woggle]

You are finally getting tired of being treated like crap. That can still love real quick.

[yesmaybe]

She's hurt you tremendously, so you've numbed yourself.

 

Someone told me once that marriage is more about compatibility than love. Passion can't sustain itself - it needs fuel to feed the fire. And that fuel is the everyday stuff - how you get along, the routines...basic compatibility.

 

You love your wife very much. But is that enough to sustain a marriage?

[tablesalt]

Hey hardly ever do I comment on here just take alot of feedback off others replys. But I've got to tell you don't give up on your wife over this for it is a problem for alot of women including myself!

Women don't seem to get sexual after or I don't after some one anyone pisses me off I don't know just don't have a switch for that but when I'm pmsing it twice as bad.

Look just be paitent with her and tell her how you feel when she pushes you away but don't be expecting anything sexual to come out of it.

Lot of time I'd like to be the one to iniate but My H always beats me to it.

And somtimes at certain times even though we have been together 15 years some how I think he just uses me for his stress reliver when in all reality he is not. That make since no but thats women we never know what we want!

I say give her time she'll come to you and by all means give her the time to intate things you'll enjoy the pay off trust me my H does.

[AManWithTroubles]

To Tablesalt,

If it were just this one incident, I'm sure it wouldn't matter, but it's a collection of things. Like I said, I'm not this way on purpose now. I think I am just waiting for her move. Like a game of chess. I would like to have some apologizing too. I just seem to lack feelings right now, that's all.

[Sup]

The problem is NOT with you, it's her. Is she Bipolar? Get her checked out. That's emotional and Mental abuse, you shouldn't have to take that from NO ONE!

[slinkysu]

I appologize. I appologize for not reading your post. But I will say you should never forgive her for PMS. Not because you should be indifferent to it, but because she should have enough respect for you to not take things out on you under the guise of such.

 

-R-

 

Have to say that's terrible advice.

 

Forgiveness is an act of compassion and should always be given where possible.

 

As stated by MANY women on this thread, PMS affects people differently, but when stressed and suffering under hormones women do get incredibly bitchy.

 

It's not much fun for anyone - includng the woman suffering. Not feeling in control of your emotions or hearing youself outloud whilst thinking 'this isn't me - what the hell is wrong?'

 

Some women can control PMS wth hormones, but others dont like the idea of taking chemicals to deal with what happens naturally.

 

It sounds like there are deeper issues here, but the actions of your wife do also match up to someone who does suffer from PMS. Maybe she should go to the doctor and see what they can advise.

 

I bet she feels quite scared and alone with all these emotions running around and making her volatile.

 

If you want to leave her, then leave her. you may think you are good at hiding how you are feeling but i bet you anything she can read your feelings after 10 years and hence her accusing you of mind games.

[ilovecables]

Man, reading this thread...............I kinda feel the same way about what I'm going through right now with my wife (12 years in August, 2 kids, 7 and 3). But the big question is, how in the world can you leave when there are kids in the mix?

[whichwayisup]

You don't. Not now anyway. Try the marriage counselling. Get your wife to individual counselling and hope that the rest will fall into place as it should. Things won't change unless SHE wants to change. It sucks, but that seems, in your situation ilovecables, is how it will go...Hang in there, don't give up. In the meantime, focus alot of energy into your kids...They may not 'know' what is wrong with their mom, but they aren't clueless...Kids have a way of picking up on energy around the house.

[ilovecables]

I guess that's the important part - SHE wants it to get better, but is frustrated becuase she doesn't know how, and can't see change on the horizon, and she's the type of persona that wants everything NOW, at teh snap of her fingers. Maybe there's hope after all. I remember a very big fight we had at the end of March, the kids were in the living room, and we were in the garage, she wasn the car with a suitcase. I was pissed, I told her if she left, I'd change the locks, yada yada.......the walls between the garge and the house are pretty thick, my son (7) heard what was going on, and, the angelhat he is, kept our daughter (2) occupied with cartoons.

Yep, kids are more receptive than we give them credit for.