i don't get it

[porkchop2236]

Okay, this might be a long post, so I apologize in advance. I have been reading a lot of posts on this forum and have found some pretty intelligent and honest answers, so I want to try to get some of my own answers. So here's my story:

 

I had been dating my boyfriend for a year and 2 months. All in that time, he would tell me how much he loved me and he wanted to marry me, I was amazing and beautiful and blah blah. When he would get me b-day cards or Christmas cards, they would say "to my wife" (he would say, "you're going to be my wife one day, so I might as well start now...little joke). So, basically he claimed to be madly in love with me, and said he would be devastated if we ever broke up.

 

Three weeks ago, we went out with some of my friends and his friends. We got in a fight because he thought i was flirting with some guy at the bar, and I said I thought I did nothing wrong. He said that that was the problem, I didn't think I did anything wrong and he did. He said it made him wonder how I acted when i went out without him (now, mind you he was never a jealous guy at all...ever). So, you can imagine my shock in him acting like this. Plus, this was one of the first fights we have ever gotten in, so he wasn't acting himself at all (sure we've bickered here and there and had little fights, but nothing big like this). He then told me he wanted to go on a one or two week break, which I said I didn't want to do, because I think breaks are stupid and they ruin things. He promised me that everything would work out, he just needed some time to get over what he was mad at. He said he wouldn't be doing this unless he thought it would help, and he still loved me, and still wanted to talk to me every day. He said we would probably even talk more now. So, i of course that whole week we were on a break, asked him why he didn't want to see me and when I was going to get to see him again. He kept saying he didn't know and things were still "weird". Weird in what way? I would ask him, and he couldn't explain it. I asked if it was weird in such a way that he didn't love me anymore, and he repeatedly said no.

 

So then finally I asked him if we could try seeing each other one day and if things were still weird, we would be right back where we were, on a break. Couldn't hurt. He agreed, and so we hung out on a Saturday night at his house. He said things were kinda still weird, but we planned on going to dinner that Tuesday. We were at dinner and everything seemed fine and I asked him if he wanted to come over Thursday, because he said earlier in the week that we could hang out Thursday. He said he was sorry and not to blow me off, but he had to study for a final on Friday. He asked about Saturday, and I said I was going out of town Saturday so I couldn't. I got pretty sad about not being able to see him for like another week, and he asked what was wrong and if I was sad. I said yes, and he said "about what?" And just as I was about to tell him why I was sad he said "because things aren't the same are they". I was very surprised at this because I thought things were going really well, and so I started to cry and then we talked about our relationship. Long story short about that conversation, he was telling me one minute that he didn't wanna break up and he still loved me, but towards the end of the conversation he said it was weird because he DIDN'T love me like he used to, and he DID wanna break up.

 

Thursday I called him again, to make sure that this is what he wanted and he said yes, and I said that I couldn't speak to him then and not to call me because it would hurt too much. He texted me later that night asking to talk. I was out with my friends and I called him and asked what he wanted to talk about and he said "I don't know, anything". Then he must have heard the music and told me he'd let me go because I was busy. Four days went by with neither of us calling each other. On the fourth day he texted me though, because my dad went to the hospital and he works with my sister, so she told her. He texted me saying he hoped everything was alright with my dad. Which upset me, because we dated for that long, and all he sends me about my dad is a text message? So I sent him one back saying "thanks. so all i get is a text now?" So he called me and told me he only sent a text and hadn't called because he thought I'd be mad if he called me because I said I didn't want him to. Then he asked if he could call me again sometime. I said alright, so we decided he would call me a couple days later, Friday, on my lunch break. If i wanted to answer, I could, if i didn't want to, I didn't have to. He called, I didn't answer, but I called him back that night. He didn't answer and didn't call back, so I sent him a text the next morning saying that I hoped he was ok and that he didn't just not have the courtesy to call me back. He called me later that day saying he didn't even get my call and how sad he was when he went home that day because he thought I didn't want to talk to him.

 

I then pressured him to see how he was feeling and asked him about the breakup, and he said that he still didn't feel the same about me. I again told him that I couldn't talk to him. So we didn't talk for a couple days, but then I read something online that was one of those "how to get him back" type deals. It said to keep in contact and just pretend like everything was good, blah blah. So I called him and we had a good conversation, talking for over an hour. He asked if he could call me the next day, so he did and we talked. He then asked again if he could call me the next day, so he did and we talked. Then he asked again, and said he would text me during the day. That day we must have texted each other back about 20-30 times. Joking with each other and everything seemed to be going well. He then told me he'd call me later. He said he had some news to tell me. I asked if it was good or bad and he said, "I think it's wonderful". The news was that his mother wanted me to come over for dinner. To my surprised this didn't make me want to jump for joy. I asked him, is that why he wanted me to come over, because his MOM wanted me to come over? He said he wanted me to come over because he missed me too. And I said the only way I would come over was if it was leading to something else. I said it would be weird to just go over as a friend and nothing more. And I asked him, so what would I do if i went over your house, stay for dinner and then just leave? He said "well I thought we could hang out afterwards like everything was cool". Boy, is he confusing...why does he want to hang out with me so much and talk to me so much if he only wants to be friends?? I said "has there been any time in the past couple days at all that you have thought it could ever work out again?" He said he thinks about that all the time, and he missed me but he didn't know. Then he finally told me, "I don't think we're going to get back together".

 

I just don't understand how you could be so madly in love with someone and then after a week, just not want to be with them anymore? I definitely do not think that could happen. I asked him numerous times if it had been coming on for a while, he said no. I asked him if it was another girl...if it was ANYTHING else, and he said no. He also still tells me how he misses me, thinks I am amazing, and beautiful and how he still wants to talk to me and see me, and how he's not out searching for other girls because he would be comparing them to me and no one would compare. Then he tells me he doesn't want to lead me on too. I don't understand it, I am so confused by him.

 

The thing is, he just turned 21, and I am still 20. Young, I know, but I would rather not hear about how it's not supposed to work out because we're too young. My parents got married when they were 19 and 20 and they are still going strong. Not even like I would want to get married at this age, but anyway. So he just turned 21, and 2 of his good friends have just got engaged. Do you think this has scared him, and he thinks that his time to have fun is running out? Or do you think he is a commitment phobe, or do you think he is really confused? Or did he jsut really fall out of love with me that quickly? I find that last assumption so hard to believe, but this is what he is telling me.

 

So I initiated the no contact again, and this is the third say since we have not talked. I'm still hoping he'll realize sometime (I know probably not soon) that he really does love me and he'll call me...but who knows if that will even happen. So I guess my questions are: Am I doing the right thing by no contact? And also, do you really think he fell out of love with me that quickly or do you think it's any of the other things I said earlier? Why would he want to hang out with me and talk to me so much if he just wants to be friends? He doesn't keep in contact with his girl friends like that at all. I am just so confused, and if someone could please put their input, TRUTHFUL input that would be great. I don't want to be given false hopes. Wow, if you are still reading by now, thank you so much, and your feedback is VERY appreciated!

 

Thanks again! and sorry for such a long post.

[tikigods]

While you don't want to hear it I am going to say it anyway, you guys ARE young. What I Think happened was this. You guys get together and he moves super super fast (the wife thing and marriage and everything) then as the honeymoon phase starts to get over he starts seeing that he is turning 21, and that he still has a lot of stuff he wants to do, and he is scared about just how fast you guys are going, and started to feel trapped.

 

I think you will find that when a breakup is as this, no real harsh feelings towards eachother people tend to think that "hey maybe we can be friends, I would hate to lose that person forever" and want to maintain as much contact with the other person as they can. Of course this generally starts to change since its rare for anyone to remain JUST FRIENDS with an ex, since generally, just like in your case, you will have one person that keeps the hope up that they will get back together and the other moving on.

 

I think that No Contact is the best way to go, and in order to do that even if he does call you I say dont answer the phone, or text him back, how can he miss you if you won't go away ;D (Joking!) but seriously if he has a chance to keep you around then he isn't going to miss what you guys had, and its much more likely that you will get back together if you stick to No Contact for awhile.

 

Though if he is telling you that you guys aren't going to get back together, then I Think its time for you to start moving on (again with the no contact).

[Diver012]

I would move on. NC is going to be really hard but I think its for the best. It definetly sounds like a commitment phobic response though. Something scared him, he got scared of being hurt, and now hes protecting himself. Theres no reasurance you can give him to get over that.

[mr.gerbick]

I am not going to say that you guys are too young, but I am going to say that I think the relationship wasn't that long. After a year and 2 months the comfortability factor starts to set in, and thats when people start showing their true colors.

 

My personal opinion is that it can be 1 of 2 things. Either he just flipped out over something so small, and he is not in the "I have to impress her" phase anymore, and that is just the way he really is, also what your future will be like if you decide to get back together. He will run off and hide anytime things get a little hectic between you two. The second is that he just turned 21, so he wants to go have his fun, while he is stringing you along. Maybe he thinks you are a "good catch" but still wants to have his fun, but keep in contact with you as a back up plan, if he don't find someone else that he thinks is better for him, or for when he gets tired of his partying and decides he wants to commit. Either way it is not positive towards you. He is letting you go, but stringing you along. You need to cut the string and show him that you are fine without him and don't need him to live your life. Then he will realize wether he really loves or not, but by then, maybe you will discover that you really don't love him.

[riobikini]

PC,

 

Over time, your boyfriend simply grew tired of what he felt was nothing more than silly, immature waffling on *your* part, -and which was magnified by your recent argument and complicated by his subsequent 'jealousy'- and which fueled him with plenty of reason to suspect you were actually not the *one* he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, after all, -and during the 'break' he took the time he needed to process and accept that information.

 

I doubt, though, that it was a break that hadn't already crossed his mind lots of times, -and probably, without you even being aware of it. Those kinds of things don't normally happen without the idea having already been piqued, previous to a major 'blow-up'.

 

I think that, over the time you were together, he may have kept looking for a sign of your wanting to truly commit to a life-long relationship (at least, *his* idea of one), -and after a long period of time (hoping for it) he just decided you weren't as ready for deeper commitment and, for him, that information caused things turned really cold, really quick.

 

*But, I also believe that his decision was not based entirely on what he saw absent in you*.

 

I think that, as he went through the mental and emotional process of reviewing the relationship (as a whole) during the break (and maybe at intervals, before), that *he discovered the basic fundamentals of the kind of relationship he was seeking was not there on his behalf*, as well -not just those he felt were lacking in you.

 

After the realization of that, he simply did not know how to begin to tell you about his discovery regarding his *own* feelings, and how his feelings about you had changed.

 

Truth is, he was probably acting on the emotional 'high' of the relationship, enhanced by naturally-produced hormones, and his own predisposition to immature, unrealistic ideals about life-long commitment in romantic relationships the whole time the two of you were together.

 

He's young, -he doesn't have years of experience to apply to the goal of creating a mature, long-term relationship, at present. He was only working with what he had, -and what he *had* was a few half-baked ideas about what a really committed relationship is all about, -mostly just fantasies.

 

And he introduced all of those half-baked ideas about relationships and what a true committed relationship really means to the one that he was in with you.

 

What his experience with this relationship has amounted to, for him (and hopefully for you, too) is still very important: it was all about 'getting' the experience and finding out whether his ideas and goals (and yours) were realistic enough (at this time) to build on, -or whether you needed more information and time to develop them.

 

I know that none of this is much help for a broken heart, -but I am certain that, with more thought, it can clarify some of the 'whys' and 'what-fors' concerning why the breakup occurred, if you give it half a chance.

 

Although you probably don't think so, your problem is classic, -and I do not mean to give the impression I think less of your heartache concerning your situation- but the circumstances, at the core, are especially common for many people who are 'new' to building relationships. And especially, too, with the goal of a deeply-committed, lasting one.

 

All this is 'heal-able' (smile) -it just takes time to understand it, process it, and develop a more realistic idea of what truly works for you.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio