boyfriend has issue with childcare

[Guest]

My bf and I live together, with my 2 kids (10 and 6) from a previous marriage. We have been together for 5 years. Recently, he has started working from home, and now that school is out and he is home I have asked that he watch the kids until 11AM, when they go to a neighbor's house. My bf has ojected, and said he cannot work, does not want to be their caretaker, he said he feels restricted and "stuck" in the house with the kids there, and says the issue is serious enough that he would be willing to move out and end the relationship, rather than have to take care of the kids for a few hours a day. We cant afford daycare and he is upset that I havent recveived any child support from the biological father for 5 years. My bf took care of the kids the previous 3 years without complaining , but now he does not want to do it. Is there a deeper issue here I should be concerned about? Am I being unreasonable, or is he just a jerk that he cannot watch my kids for a couple of hours?

[RecordProducer]

This is a delicate one. Something has changed obviously.

 

He is not obligated to take care of your kids since he is not your husband and their father. However I think he might be using the situation to leave soon. He might have met another woman or simply his feelings have changed. Insisting on him to take care of your kids would just worsen everything. Don't force him to do what he doesn't want - and is not obligated - to do. Act as if he didn't exist in your life. If you don't like it - take it or leave it. You and your children deserve to have a man who loves you all.

 

You haven't posted much so it's a bit unclear as to whether he couldn't do his work with the kids at home or he just refuses to take care of them. Is he younger than you by any chance? Please don't tell me you're supporting him financially!

[Annacabana]

Please get rid of him.He is being a jerk, he doesn't care for your kids. Your kids will have a crappy childhood if you continue in this relationship. He isn't the type of father you want your children to have. A family is what you want and he is only thinking of himself. Find a great guy who loves your kids and loves spending time with them, it is so important.

[Guest]

Would things be different if you collected child support? Your bf cannot be held responsible for providing care because you cannot afford daycare when you are not collecting child support. Collect the child support and put them in daycare. After all, he is supposed to be working during those hours, right? You can't take your kids to work.

[thegoodhubbie]

Please get rid of him.He is being a jerk, he doesn't care for your kids. Your kids will have a crappy childhood if you continue in this relationship. He isn't the type of father you want your children to have. A family is what you want and he is only thinking of himself. Find a great guy who loves your kids and loves spending time with them, it is so important.

 

This reply seems to be a knee jerk reaction. Calling the man a jerk after looking out for this women and her children for five years is not fair at all.

 

Guest, I have been in the same position as your boyfriend. I have been with my wife for 5 years and she has a child from a previous relationship. The biological father has paid little to no child support all of that time. I have also attempted the work from home thing, and it is impossible to get anything done with kids around.

 

It seems to me the man is trying to make a living and asking him to take time out of the day when he should be working is a bit much. What would you have done if he had a "real" job outside the home. Would you ask him to come home and watch the kids until 11:00. I don't think his employer would like that.

 

It sounds as if he is getting frustrated with the situation and is tired of shouldering the burden without help. Do you work? What is the division of household chores? How are the other aspects of your relationship?

[933KJL]

Talk it out. You say he recently started working from home. You need to treat this as an office or field job. He needs to be concentrating on working during those hours--not minding kids--his, yours or anyone elses.

 

Working from home has challenges and yo need to be disciplined enough to make your work day--your work day and not be running to the mall, taking a dip in the pool, etc.

[Annacabana]

" he said he feels restricted and "stuck" in the house with the kids there, and says the issue is serious enough that he would be willing to move out and end the relationship"

 

Maybe it was a kneejerk reaction, but what he said stood out to me. This isn't a sentence from someone who is committed to her or her children.

[tikigods]

My husband works at home, and though it might sound like you have all this free time to do whatever you want, the moment he sits at his computer he is brought into work mode. If there were kids running around here it would drive him up the wall and he wouldn't get anything done. Just cause he is at home doesn't mean he is any less working.

 

Why haven't you gotten child support? You need to bring that up with a laywer and get whats owed to you cause I will agree its not fair that your boyfriend gets the burden of taking care of kids that isn't his when you guys should be getting help for it.

[Kenyth]

I admit he sounds a bit uncaring, but he has some valid points. Not gettting child support is a big issue for most post divorce relationships, as is paying it. The fact is, you haven't got it for a while, so this should be no big surprise for him though. You definately need to resolve this one before marriage.

 

If he has to work before 11, you can't expect him to watch the kids too. Situations like this are why employers don't like teleworking. Watching two children will seriously affect his productivity and could put his job, or the childrens safety at risk.

 

The kids are both school age and should be able to take advantage of before/after school child care. You should both budget for this. You need to also save money for the summer camps or care that will be required. Preferably for both, but at least for the six year old. If your ex is still seeing the kids, he needs to pay support to help with all this. There may also be programs in your area to help with financially strapped single parents. Look for them.

[Art_Critic]

I'll bet he is having trouble making ends meet and feeling the pressure and is sounding off instead of dealing with the issue..

 

He is feeling unappreciated by you also..Maybe to the point where he is feeling slightly taken advantage of..

 

People.. please remember he is her BF not husband.. so his responsibilities to her children are different and he might be having trouble dealing with all the pressure..

 

You need to talk with him about it all and get all the feelings out in the open..

Your BF sounds like a caring , loving person.. ( he would have to be to do what he has so far )..

It just sounds like he feels in over his head right now

[2sunny]

It seems to me that he works from home = needs to make money while he is working from home!

 

Working a job and watching the kids isn't fair to ask of anyone... let him work!

 

Hire yourself a babysitter, or work opposite hours/days as him. You shouldn't ask him to do two jobs at one time...

[theantibarbie23]

Most states have a government program that helps subsidize daycare costs. As a single mother and since you are NOT getting any support from your father, I'd bet you'd meet the guidelines hands down. You should look into it.

[Trimmer]

I agree with those who advise that working from home is not compatible with providing daycare. "Just watch the kids for a few hours while you work" does NOT work. I know this from experience - in my case, I was self-employed, and attempted to share child-care duties with my wife (she worked outside the home 3/4 time during the day), around my business, while my kids were young. I made the choice willingly and happily, knowingly letting my work hours slide for a number of years; in retrospect, it was a wonderful time and I wouldn't have changed a thing. But what I learned early on is that if you try to work and care for the kids at the same time, you are really going to be less than half "there" at either task. If he's an honest person, wouldn't he feel like he was cheating his employer by being only a partial employee during that time? You may think he is being a jerk for not "watching your kids for a few hours", but do you realize that you are effectively asking him to take off work to do that? In addition, he may be bristling because he feels like you are telling him that his work is not important, and that you just expect him to drop it.

 

You had better have a hear-to-heart talk. What if he's thinking "I've helped take care of my girlfriend's kids for the last 3 years, and she just assumes I am responsible for child care at her command, while their biological father doesn't even provide a thing... I feel like I have to set a boundary here."

 

I wonder if, in the long run, it would benefit you both to talk about where your relationship is going... Is he Mr. Right, or is he Mr. Right Now? Are they going to just stay "my kids" or are you going to move forward in life with them being "our kids?" I'm not putting a judgement on one or the other - that's for you guys to decide - but if you two have significantly different impressions of where your relationship is going, and you continue to avoid dealing with it, then of course you will have these kinds of situations where you will see each others efforts, responsibilities, and commitments very differently.

 

If you guys have come to an understanding about how things work in your relationship, and he carelessly breaches that understanding, then you can call him a jerk, but no fair expecting each other to read minds.

[YellowLioness]

I agree with Art Critic. He isn't your husband, and those kids aren't his. He helps you with him because he's a good person, not because he has any kind of legal obligation to you UNLIKE your baby's daddy.

 

Rather then putting pressure on your boyfriend, put some pressure on the father of your kids. There are agencies (free, I may add) that will help you collect support from their father; and, if he doesn't pay by a certain date, they will take him to court.

 

If you made an effort to collect on this 5 yrs of child support, I bet your boyfriend wouldn't be as pissy.

 

Also, you can get your day care subsidized by the gov't if you qualify financially. Sounds like you might, especially because you technically are a single mom.

 

As for him babysitting while working- not gonna work. He's going to get resentful of you for expecting that of him (basically having to perform two jobs at one time) while expecting nothing of the father of your children.

 

Good luck! I know it's rough to be a working mom.

[Lennox]

It took your boyfriend 5 years to get frustrated and tell you enough is enough? Damn he sure has been patient with you!

 

Go after the biological father for back child support and establish payments for child support in the future...then use that money to pay for daycare that includes tutoring if you can find that in your area. Cut your boyfriend a break, he sure has put up with a hell of a lot more than most men would.

 

Give the guy a bj too...he deserves it! And a medal...

[slinkysu]

I agree with all the other posters. I think you are being unreasonable in expecting your partner to provide childcare whilst he is working. You should be responsible for arranging this for your children and not using him as a babysitter in the mornings when he is trying to make a living. You wouldn't go into your best friends office and dump your kids on them for a few hours whilst they were at work, you shouldn't do the same to your partner just because he is at home.

 

You should get the biological father to face up to his responsibilities and pay for his children. It sounds like your partner has been very good and patient with you and you really need to cut him some slack and respect his place of work.

[Kenyth]

Another note. If you have children from a previous marriage and want to get involved with someone who doesn't, be prepared for a challenge. The other person will always feel as if they're doing you a favor, and you will never be able to make up for this.

 

There are a selfless few that will care for your kids as their own and not expect anything, but they are few and far between.

[hotgurl]

just a note to everyone who says get child support make him face his responsiblities.

 

Yes there are services for child support and yes she can get an order but it basically means crap if the bio father wants to avoid his responsbilites.

 

If he actaully works and shows up for court that's good she'll get child support but if he is like my ex. She will never see a dime. He never shows up for court work under the table and basically has dropped of the face of the earth.

 

He has a warrent out for his arrest but most states don't actively go after it because it is non-violent. Even the child support office said I'd probably never see the money.

 

But my advice would be to pursue child support and hope for the best, see if you can get state assistance for child care and i agree with everyone your BF needs to work when he works from home.

[Trimmer]

Agreed, it's not guaranteed that she could get support from the bio father, but the issue here of the boyfriend's attitude and responses is as much about her expectations as anything. We don't know unless she comes back and provides more details, so this is unfounded speculation, but as an example, if her boyfriend perceives that she doesn't expect the biological father to provide support (for example, if she hasn't really tried very hard to get it) and yet she expects him to provide significant support in the form giving up work time to provide child care - that may appear to be a significant imbalance to him.

 

I reiterate that they need to discuss and work out what their specific expectations, roles, and agreements will be within their relationship, otherwise they are both flying blind. This confusion about roles and expectations is just a symptom of that.

[RecordProducer]

I agree taht he has a right to work in peace and he can choose whether he will baby-sit the kids or not. However, I think you're all forgetting that he said that he is prepared to move out because of this.

 

Now if he "moves out" every time they fight, I wouldn't take his words seriously. But if he has never mentioned a split-up before and now he suddenly is ready to move out, I think it's alarming.

 

Also, I can't judge the situation well because I don't know if they fought a lot over this and then he said that or as soon as she suggested that he takes care of the kids, he freaked out.

 

In any case, expecting from a boyfriend to baby-sit your kids while you're at work and while HE is supposed to work too is a little weird. I wouldn't do it for my sister even. But then again, I don't have a sister or a brother.

 

My ex-husband had a daughter that he expected me to baby-sit while he was at work. He even told me I should have considered myself paid for baby-sitting (the fact that he supported me financially in our marriage). Later on, he expected the same service from my mom because he was supporting her financially too, although HE LIVED IN HER BIG APARTMENT WITH ME FOR FREE! So he saved more money than he spent on my mom.

 

In any case, when my doctor told me that I couldn't raise weight due to my twin pregnancy, I couldn't wait to tell my ex-husband that I couldn't take care of his daughter while he was at work. He reluctantly called his mother and asked her to baby-sit the kid and later put her in childcare center too.

 

A part of the reason why he married me was because he thought he found a replacement for her mom (her mom died in a car accident when his daughter was 11 months old). Once he realized that I couldn't replace her mom - he dumped me and the twins I bore to him. They were 3 weeks old when he left first and 2 years old when he left for the last time.

 

Don't expect from anyone to take care of your kids! If somebody offers themselves, consider it a blissful miracle.

 

After all, have you ever taken care of other people's kids with PLEASURE and no financial reward? Would you live with someone who has children that you need to take care of? Perhaps you will say you would, but it's very, very hard. It's also an ungrateful type of job - you put a lot of effort and most of the time you get critisism in return and the first time you say "no" - you're bad!