I believe 2nd chances rarely last

[radiation7740]

The majority of 2nd chance relationships with the ex do not last. I would say that the probability of getting the 2nd chance is much higher than the 2nd chance lasting. Getting the 2nd chance is more common than a 2nd chance that lasts. There are 2 reasons for this:

 

1. The dumpee did not learn from his mistakes and didn't really change on the inside. He just made surface changes. What are surface changes? The changes that are made with the motivation of manipulating the ex into coming back. Surface changes do not stick. I would say that in about 6 months the dumpee will revert back to old habits & behaviors. Now 6 months is an estimate. Some sooner, some later.

 

2. The dumper did not come back for the right reasons. Maybe the dumper came back only because they felt guilty and they are just dating you as a favor to you. Maybe they feel sorry for you. That's characteristic of a dumper who is co-dependent. Or maybe the dumper is just using you to pass the time until someone better comes along because they are lonely. Once they find someone better they will dump you again. Or worse they come back to you because they are just absolutely bored to death.

 

I would say that 85% of 2nd chances will fail after 6 months. Again that's an estimate. Some sooner, some later. The only 2nd chances that last a lifetime are the following:

 

1. The dumpee has made changes from within. That means the motivation for the dumpee changing was because he didn't like what he saw in himself. He was committed to changing what he believes he needed to change in order to be happy. Those changes are real and they are the only changes that stick. Regardless if his ex comes back or not he will have acquired alot of tools to put into practice in a future relationship with someone new. If his ex comes back then that's just icing on the cake.

 

2. The dumper makes changes from within. Also the dumper has had time to miss the dumpee during a period of NC. The dumper comes back because he/she realized during the time apart that they love the dumpee and have made a big mistake by leaving them.

 

These are things to think about for those of you who want a 2nd chance with your exes. How do you know they if they come back they are coming back for the right reasons? Is that a risk you are willing to take? If you think it's worth it then whatever you do take it slow.

 

By the way some of you might be having your 3rd or 4th or 5th chance with the same person. You might be in a relationship where you go through a cycle of breaking up and reconciling every few months or whatever. Just keep in mind that every single time your relationship suffers a break up, your chances of a permanent break up significantly increase because there is a reason you keep breaking up.

[Mz. Pixie]

Your knowledge of relationships is vast- I'm so glad you came to share them.

[Art_Critic]

Your knowledge of relationships is vast- I'm so glad you came to share them.

 

He is like a sponge.. he must spend hours reading all the guides on LS that people have created

[Guest]

thanks for your advice, in my situtation I broke up the relationship for a 3rd time about 2 weeks ago, I still love her and I miss her a lot, she wants me back, but the problem is I left her because of her issues and I think she will never change, I don't think is an issue where the dumper needs to change, some of the issues were that she lives with her mother, and her mother has to be part of her life all the time, she can not spend the night at my place, she has stayed with me maybe 1 or 2 times per month because her mother gets upset because she is lonely, another issue was she was arguing with her mother all the time and this created depression on my part to see them doing that. We were both very jealous, and we were always pointing the finger at each other.

I feel very confused, and miss her a lot, I would like to try to go back but I feel scare that it may not work, she told me that she will change and will do what ever is needed to make us happy including talking to her mother and letting her know that she has her own life.

But yet when I think about going back, I feel some feelings have died, specially sexually, I am not sure, I guess what gets to me is also to know that she will start dating other people.

Please tell me what you think, sorry if this is confusing.

[mr.gerbick]

I understand your point in this post, but it is in reference to dumper/dumpee issues. What if the breakup was a mutual decision and now they decide they want to give it a second chance? does that increase the propability of it working?

[radiation7740]

thanks for your advice, in my situtation I broke up the relationship for a 3rd time about 2 weeks ago, I still love her and I miss her a lot, she wants me back, but the problem is I left her because of her issues and I think she will never change, I don't think is an issue where the dumper needs to change, some of the issues were that she lives with her mother, and her mother has to be part of her life all the time, she can not spend the night at my place, she has stayed with me maybe 1 or 2 times per month because her mother gets upset because she is lonely, another issue was she was arguing with her mother all the time and this created depression on my part to see them doing that. We were both very jealous, and we were always pointing the finger at each other.

I feel very confused, and miss her a lot, I would like to try to go back but I feel scare that it may not work, she told me that she will change and will do what ever is needed to make us happy including talking to her mother and letting her know that she has her own life.

But yet when I think about going back, I feel some feelings have died, specially sexually, I am not sure, I guess what gets to me is also to know that she will start dating other people.

Please tell me what you think, sorry if this is confusing.

 

 

From what you said it doesn't seem like the relationship is ever going to change. As you said she has issues that really bother you. You need to decide if these are issues you can tolerate. Therefore I don't recommend trying again. I know those are not the words you want to hear. I'm just telling you what I would do in your shoes.

 

If I felt some things have died then I would feel it's much better to just find a new gf after I've had time to grieve the loss and heal. Whatever you do don't take her back just because you feel guilty about breaking it off. Don't play with her emotions. It's not a healthy relationship to be in where you keep breaking up every few months or so. Is that what you want?

 

Hopefully you are doing NC. I'm thinking about writing a guide to dumpers about how it's just as important for them to apply NC after a break up. I've already written one for dumpees.

[radiation7740]

I understand your point in this post, but it is in reference to dumper/dumpee issues. What if the breakup was a mutual decision and now they decide they want to give it a second chance? does that increase the propability of it working?

 

 

The chances of a 2nd chance working out depend on whether or not the reasons for the break up have been eradicated once & for all. Those reasons will not be eradicated unless the two of you have sat down and gotten to the root of the problems. Doesn't matter whether it was mutual or not. Maybe if you were specific about the issues that led both of you to the conclusion that it would be best to break up I could give you a better answer.

[Guest]

From what you said it doesn't seem like the relationship is ever going to change. As you said she has issues that really bother you. You need to decide if these are issues you can tolerate. Therefore I don't recommend trying again. I know those are not the words you want to hear. I'm just telling you what I would do in your shoes.

 

If I felt some things have died then I would feel it's much better to just find a new gf after I've had time to grieve the loss and heal. Whatever you do don't take her back just because you feel guilty about breaking it off. Don't play with her emotions. It's not a healthy relationship to be in where you keep breaking up every few months or so. Is that what you want?

 

Hopefully you are doing NC. I'm thinking about writing a guide to dumpers about how it's just as important for them to apply NC after a break up. I've already written one for dumpees.

 

Thanks for responding, I understand what you are saying, regarding her issues, I did try to tolerate them and adjust, but it was difficult to do and many times when we were back together often I wandered if I made the right decision of going back after the break ups, today I ask my self, would you go back with her? and I answer myselft "I am not sure", I have applied the NC method, I understand its the best thing to do. A guide for dumpers would be great, since many of the dumpers including myself go through a difficult time dealing with the loss of someone you love but seems that it just can't be and you have to let go. Thanks again!!!

[riobikini]

Rad -it's phenomenal- in one thread you're giving astoundingly on-target advice and information, -in the next, you're talking about killing yourself.

 

I imagine that's the difference between taking your medication -or choosing not to.

 

Stay on it, -you're much more useful when the depression is *controlled*.

 

-Rio

[radiation7740]

Rad -it's phenomenal- in one thread you're giving astoundingly on-target advice and information, -in the next, you're talking about killing yourself.

 

I imagine that's the difference between taking your medication -or choosing not to.

 

Stay on it, -you're much more useful when the depression is *controlled*.

 

-Rio

 

 

No I'm not on any medication. I may have emotional issues but I still haven't broken NC with my ex yet. I can write guides about NC but I can't write any guides about depression. That's a department that someone else might be good at writing about.