My wife and I were at a party and something terrible happened.

[BrokenAngel]

I was trying to find some kind of advice on ask.com and came across this site. It seemed to be the place to go with my question.

 

My wife and I have been married for 5 years on August 18 and we have an adorable daughter who is 4 and a son who is 2 and I love my wife more than anything in the world. I never did anything to make her even wonder about me being faithful.

 

We were invited to a bonfire the other day and found a babysitter for the kids. We don't get to go out too often because it is hard for us to find a babysitter that we trust to watch both of the kids. Anyways, everyone including my wife were drinking and I didn't have anything to drink yet so when it was time for a beer run I drove and two of my friends went with me to the bar. When we got back everything was fine and I started drinking.

 

After being at the party for a little while I was pretty drunk and looked over at my wife who was at the other side of the fire right where I could see her. There she was full on sucking face with my best friends sister and one of her friends. Three women making out at once. I was shocked, my wife has never done anything like this and including five years of marraige I have known her for a good 8 years.

 

She said that she did it just to shock my friends and I but I was more angry... furious than anything. I got a ride home and haven't talked to her for 2 days now. She doesn't even think that she did anything wrong. I need to deal with this but I just don't know how to handle or even what to say. If it was a guy I probably would've beat the crap out of him but this was 2 women. I do not know what to do and thought this would be a good place to maybe ask for a little advice. Thanks for the responces in advance.

[norajane]

Take a deep breath and step back from the ledge. This sounds like your wife was being playful and you took it the wrong way.

 

You and your wife rarely get out of the house, there was drinking involved, everyone was having a good time, and your wife was feeling free to cut loose and be shocking. She isn't cheating on you, she didn't intend to hurt you - she was having fun with her friends. She didn't deceive you - this happened right in front of you and everyone else. She doesn't want to leave you for other women - it was playful and it was fun. Think of it as a more risque version of Truth or Dare. Childish, maybe. But sometims it's ok to let go of that responsible parent cloak. Sometimes it's necessary to blow off some steam.

 

Stop hyperventilating and start talking with your wife. Talk through with her how this has affected you and why. Also, listen to what she says and take it to heart. She's been a wonderful girlfriend, wife, and mother for many years - surely, you can give her the benefit of the doubt on this?

[Yamaha]

Our society accepts women kissing. She probably felt that there was nothing wrong with what she did because it's OK for women to be bi-curious.

 

Ask her how she would have felt if she saw you kissing another man at the party. I bet she would have freaked.

 

Based on how the world thinks as to women being together I think you are fighting a lost cause. She obviously thinks it is OK behavior for her and probably feels you just need to lighten up. I think you need to talk to her and make her understand how you felt in regards to her behavior. Changing her perspective on an accepted practice is the only way for her to understand how you felt seeing her with another person ( be it man or women ).

[catgirl1927]

I am of the opinion that kissing another person is, well, kissing another person. I don't think girl-on-girl should be considered anything less just because guys get really turned on by it. To my mind, it was the same as her kissing a guy, or you kissing a guy, or you kissing a girl. I think you are justified in being angry.

 

However, not to excuse her behavior, but society DOES tell us differently. So I would sit her down and tell her exactly how you feel. Chances are VERY good that she will be completely surprised by your feeling that she betrayed you. She will probably think that you would be turned on by what she did, because so many men would love to have threesomes or foursomes or how-ever-manysomes as long as they are the only guy. You should definitely have a long talk about boundaries.

 

If it helps, you might also mention that you've heard of girls who thought they were being cool, openminded and "secure" by letting third parties into their relationships, and then were shocked and appalled when thier husbands started fooling around on the side. What's good for the goose is good for the gander, if you will.

[whichwayisup]

A woman kissing a man or woman when you're already married is NOT cool! Sure, she's not about to jump ship and have a 'relationship' with those women, but she opened a door by doing that. She is wrong! Drunk or not, it's no excuse.

 

If my husband was making out with another guy, kissing etc., I'd be really pissed off too.

[RecordProducer]

I don't see this as a big deal. I am not saying you are all wrong in my mind, it's just that I, personally and intmately, don't see it as anything bad.

 

I don't think kissing the same sex is the same as kissing the opposite. If my husband kissed another man, I would be a little grossed out, but wouldn't consider it cheating. He is 100% sure he isn't bisexual and would never kiss a guy. However if that happened in a drunken state (he doesn't drink either), I wouldn't give him a hard time about it. I would see it as a spontaneous impulse. I would be more interested in why he did it and whether he has feelings for men overall. I just don't see the crime here.

 

I would be very upset if he kissed a woman though.

[shes_so_lovely]

I think it was wrong of her to do that. I know if my husband kissed another man I would be so angry and hurt. Even if it is just kissing, you shouldn't let others inside your marriage like that...but thats my opinion.

[Lennox]

So sorry buddy. I am also of the opinion that it wasn't cool for her to be kissing anybody like that...even if it was out of play. I have a female friend who is the only one that I would allow to kiss me on the lips, and even that is nothing but a peck. Never made out with her and I certainly never will.

 

I can understand why you're so angry. You are a man and you cannot possibly compete with a woman being attracted physically with another woman. No wonder your head is spinning. I think your reaction is completely normal and justified. What would your wife have said if you started "sucking face" with another girl at the party? Would it have been fun and games then?

 

In my point of view, she needs to get off her high horse and step down and apologize profusely to you. She needs to work to regain your trust because she violated your marriage vows. Even if there was nothing wrong in what she did, it hurt YOU, and that's what should matter to her most, not who's right or wrong.

[michelangelo]

I don't buy it that just because seeing two girls kissing is many a guy's whack fantasy tha it makes it ok for her to to do that--she's married.

 

BTW, I'm not a big fan over getting drunk with people that goad you into stupid things.

[ButtonPusher]

Instead of getting s***ty about it champ, have a look at yourself. Perhaps the problem is with you. If your wife is looking for some fun by pashing her girlfriends then maybe everything in your marriage isnt all peachy. Maybe you are not making her feel appreciated. Only a thought.

[HokeyReligions]

I agree a little bit with everyone.

 

Put it into context though - you know the people at the party and you know your wife.

 

You said you don't get out much and that everyone was drinking. She could very well have thought it innocent fun and be the type of person who does like to shock her friends - maybe even showing them that just because she has a responsible life as a wife and mother doesn't mean she has had to give up her personal freedom to play and party. But she also may honestly have felt like she was doing nothing wrong because it was (1) with other girls and (2) she wasn't hiding it from you. She may never do anything like that sober, but having been unable to party for a while all the 'party energy' was bottled up inside.

 

Your anger and hurt are certainly understandable - you saw a side of your wife that you don't like and shocked you. You both have changed maybe without realizing it. Marriage and the responsibility of children takes a lot out of a person and sometimes we miss that youthful free spirit.

 

You have had some time to cool down. You are seeking some other opinions before you talk with your wife so that you can understand your own feellings and be able to discuss them. Get your thoughts in order and open the lines of communication with your wife. Listen to her and talk with her. Don't talk at her and if she begins to talk at you, pause and tell her that you want an open discussion, not defensive posturing and that you are trying to do the same. You do need to talk about it.

 

This is not an insurmountable problem.

[portableversion]

cliche, and boring.

 

Maybe while you weren't looking, the males in your party where 'pressuring' them to do that for entertainment. Didn't you know, it's 'all the rage?' Or maybe your wife wanted to be a little tramp and turn on the males in the party.

 

This whole scenario sounds like something from movie, or a troll.

[Guest]

Dear friend,

 

She has committed an unforgivable sin. In aiencent times, audulterers were stoned to death and rightly so. It is my opinion that you should divorce her without delay and take full custody of your kids. Find a sympathetic lawyer to your cause and NEVER let this woman see you or her kids again!! Expect alimony payments as well, she must PAY for what she has done. Have no conversation about this, do not waste your time hearing her out!! She is a sodomite sinner!!! In a better world she would be arrested for this sin. As hard as it sounds you have a responsibility to the moral upbringing of your children!! Waste no time in ridding yourself of this sodomite!!

[Tim'sAngel]

Dear friend,

 

She has committed an unforgivable sin. In aiencent times, audulterers were stoned to death and rightly so. It is my opinion that you should divorce her without delay and take full custody of your kids. Find a sympathetic lawyer to your cause and NEVER let this woman see you or her kids again!! Expect alimony payments as well, she must PAY for what she has done. Have no conversation about this, do not waste your time hearing her out!! She is a sodomite sinner!!! In a better world she would be arrested for this sin. As hard as it sounds you have a responsibility to the moral upbringing of your children!! Waste no time in ridding yourself of this sodomite!!

 

Omg, pleae tell me this post was a joke!! This sounds like another Rad!!

 

Broken, first of all, I can understand why you are upset, although I do believe you are taking it a little too hard. I agree w/the others about society accepting 2 women and it not being a big deal, however if you guys arn't having any hardcore marrital problems and everything else is going pretty well, then I would give this some more thought and I would definately talk to your wife.

 

I can sooooo relate to you guys not getting out very much since you have children. I am a single mother to a beautiful 1 1/2 yr old son, and I rarely get out. It sounds to me as if she was so excited about finally getting away from the kids and got a little carried away. It may be no excuse, and it is wrong that she just assumed you wouldn't care, if that was in fact the case, but since society has set the standard it has, I would at least talk to her and give her a chance to explain her thoughts and reason for her actions before heading to divorce court. JMO

[SoleMate]

Some people find it excusable, some do not. I'm not sure about my own opinion.

 

However, I AM sure that the two of you need to calmly discuss where the boundaries around your marriage. You probably both figured that getting naked with someone else was not OK...but now it's time to make it clear what you will and will not accept.

 

I wouldn't even focus on the exact incident. I agree that in the big scheme of things, this probably is nowhere near the threat that an EA with an OM would be. However, it didn't feel right to you.

[jonesgirly]

Alphamales would think she's hotter than ever now.

[Guest]

Did it ever occur to you that maybe she liked it? Before I got married I kissed women and it felt good. I haven't kissed any women or men since I married. I was single and curious back then. Maybe this is something your wife always wanted to try or it could have been that she felt the pressure from the other 2 women to do it. I certainly don't think she meant to hurt you. You need to talk about what that kiss meant. Were you embarassed in front of your friends? tell your wife that. You can get past this but I bet this made you look at her in a different light didn't it?

[Tim'sAngel]

I think women today are really confused when it comes to this subject. I know I am. I hadn't really thought about it all that much, but when I read this thread I asked SO what he would think if he saw me sucking face w/another women. Now keep in mind, he is you typical male and sees nothing wrong with a lil girl on girl action. We check out women together, talk about hypothetical situations.. I've always been quite bi curious and have had a few experiences in my past, and he knows that and is totally fine with it. However, the way he put it was, yes he would be upset if he saw me kissing another women simply because that would mean I just assumed he was ok with it. It isn't really the fact that I would have kissed another women, it is the fact that I would just up and kiss anyone other than him, man or woman. Even if a man is ok with his women kissing other women, then it should be something talked out prior to the situation.

 

Since society does accept two women showing affectiont towards each other, this is what is confusing to me. How are we supposed to know how our men feel about it if they don't tell us? I think the OP should take a small bit of responsibility, considering how things are, to talk this out with his wife and tell her where he stands, just to make it clear. And she should have also taken more responsibility in the relationship to ask her husband if he is ok w/her just up and kissing another person besides him

[catgirl1927]

Well, it's not all that confusing really. She wasn't giving some woman a peck on the lips, she was mugging down with two girls. It was pretty blatantly sexual in nature. In this case, at least.

[Tim'sAngel]

Well, it's not all that confusing really. She wasn't giving some woman a peck on the lips, she was mugging down with two girls. It was pretty blatantly sexual in nature. In this case, at least.

 

Well, I was talking about in general really. Since it is acceptible in society, it kinda leaves women in question as to whether or not it is ok. I don't mean every women, I mean women in general

[catgirl1927]

Well' date=' I was talking about in general really. Since it is acceptible in society, it kinda leaves women in question as to whether or not it is ok. I don't mean every women, I mean women in general[/quote']

 

Yeah, and you said that in your first post. I reread more carefully after it was too late to edit.

 

I would imagine that in general the rule is, if it's sexual in nature it should be discussed with your SO first.

[Tim'sAngel]

Yeah, and you said that in your first post. I reread more carefully after it was too late to edit.

 

I would imagine that in general the rule is, if it's sexual in nature it should be discussed with your SO first.

 

I totally agree