I Think I have a problem

[Paulie]

I just started bouncing at a club in my city, and I really think I have a problem. While intuitively I realize there are good women out there, I am developing this...like sick distrust, almost disdain for all women.

 

I see men come into this club, get drunk, women flirt with them, get all this attention, basically just go there for the attention and free drinks. They try to talk to me, and I start feeling this tremendous feeling of disgust...not wanting to give them ANY attention, whatsoever. I'm so sick of these stupid broads at bars using guys for drinks, etc. I actually had one girl come up and ask me top buy her and her friends drinks. After telling her to F#CK OFF, I asked her if she routinely walks up to strangers in malls, and asks them to buy her things there too?

 

I love women, don't get me wrong. But I've thrown this wall around myself that I know can't be healthy. I just see so many reasons NOT to trust people. What's a healthy way to accept contact, flirtaciousness, without giving the least amount of ego-boosting crap that MOST, if not all these chicks are looking for? I want a genuine relationship, but can damn well do without. I keep dating people, only to ditch them after I have the least sense of being used...maybe being over-sensitive, maybe not!

 

Paulie

[midori]

Hi Paulie,

 

It sounds like you're encountering the pitfalls of your trade. Working as a bouncer at a nightclub is going to expose you to the extremes of human vanity and insecurity. It's set up that way -- even if there isn't a velvet rope set up outside, the first question facing most would-be club-goers is "are you cool enough to get in/dare to walk in?" Women often spend hours getting ready to go clubbing and spend lots of money buying special clothes (that they can't wear elsewhere) and accessories to wear to clubs. You don't really think they spend all that time and money just to get a few free drinks do you? It's hardly an efficient or economical trade-off. The drinks are a measure of how good they look (of how effective their efforts in that direction are) -- it's about vanity somewhat, but it's really about insecurity. Check out the women who won't let random guys buy them drinks -- their confidence is higher (and possibly their vanity too). And of course you realize that the guys who go to clubs are just as bad: insecure and/or vain, looking to use women. You know what they're looking for. And for that matter, so do the women who make them buy them a few drinks in the hope of getting it.

 

I doubt that clubs are the best place to meet a woman you'd want to have a relationship with. I used to go out clubbing a lot with my friends, and we had a firm rule that we did not allow guys in clubs to pick us up. We were there, believe it or not, to dance. I love to dance. Wait, as I recall now a few of my girlfriends broke our rule a few times, but those were exceptions. The point is that if you want to meet someone you can have a conversation with, try another location: bookstore, cafe, record store, church, whereever. But not at a club! Sure the women are looking good but that's superficial -- you know it and they know it. The girls who try to hit you up for drinks are silly and are not the sort you'd want to date. The good women who do go to clubs are probably not going to approach you and may not welcome your advances there.

 

Good luck!

[Lauren]

Paulie, The women that you are describing sound like the type of people (there are men and women in this group) that go "clubbing". They go to clubs to hang-out, check out the scenery (dancing and opposite sex) and quite possibly get drinks or go home with someone. With your endeavor as a bouncer, you will mostly meet these types. Regarding your attitude and how it "effects" you - or as you posted, feeling that you "have a problem", that is all mental strength. I may be making it sound easy, and I know that it is not; especially when you are surrounded by people that have such an opposite maturity regarding themselves and relationships. I work with several very immature people, especially when it comes to relationships. Most of them are women that work near my office. I have my moments putting up with their "attitudes". They, generally, are the clubbing type. They want to go out, be single, have fun, meet "hotties", get some drinks, and just be silly. They dress the role, they spend much time preparing themselves as well as the select "group" that they will attend these clubs with - and of course which club will be the "choice" club. YIKES - I thought I was out of highschool. I get through this by knowing what I want. It sounds like you know what you want - a true and genuine relationship. You do not want the hottie sitting at the bar with false hair, false eye lashes, false nails, and clingy clothes. You want a real person and all of the extras that come with a real relationship. It sounds like you are very mature as well as very self-confident. That is rare! Hold you head up high, chest out and be proud. These types that you have described are the ones "with a problem" - they have low self-asteem and "look" for it at these bars (ie - the attention they get with their looks, their clothes, and with the drinks and men/women they get). They may never know what you have - belief and confidence in yourself. Now, trying to get through your grueling job. LAUGH! I laugh at the girls (they aren't young, but I need to use that term) at work. Their priorities and discussions are so utterly ridiculous! I feel sorry for these types of people - they just don't get it. I can't make them see what is truly important or how ridiculous "the hottie" is! I've resolved that they are in that position and if they want to re-focus, that is up to them. So, I get humor out of it all. I sit in my office and think of all of the stuff that I have going on in my life - yet their nail breaking or not having a "date" (or a club outing planned) is a tragedy. And I laugh!! I'm blessed with a magnificent family, great friends, a nice house, a great dog, and someone truly special that I love. So, change your latitude to change your attitude?! Not really, you are in an awesome position already! It is not so much as them having "a problem" or you having "a problem" - you just think differently than they do. As I mentioned - there is nothing that you can do to change the way these people think or their attitudes. Enjoy your job - you get to see and meet alot of people - maybe even some celebrities! If you find yourself focusing on how these ladies bother you; re-focus! Realize that they maybe getting attention and drinks - and that is it! It is a game - who can look the role and have the most attention and get the most drinks (get the most numbers/dates?)! You have SO much more - and what you have is REAL!! I doubt you will meet the type of lady you want at this place. That will happen, you sound like you have a lot going for you! I'm sorry for babbling or, again, making it sound easy. You sound like a great person and I guess it is nice hearing from someone with some substance! The lady you are looking for will happen - relax and trust yourself! These feelings you get from the ladies at the bar are good instincts raging to be sure you don't fall for the false stuff. Understand that and recognize that, then just enjoy the silliness of the scene. It will help you and your job!! Best! I just started bouncing at a club in my city, and I really think I have a problem. While intuitively I realize there are good women out there, I am developing this...like sick distrust, almost disdain for all women. I see men come into this club, get drunk, women flirt with them, get all this attention, basically just go there for the attention and free drinks. They try to talk to me, and I start feeling this tremendous feeling of disgust...not wanting to give them ANY attention, whatsoever. I'm so sick of these stupid broads at bars using guys for drinks, etc. I actually had one girl come up and ask me top buy her and her friends drinks. After telling her to F#CK OFF, I asked her if she routinely walks up to strangers in malls, and asks them to buy her things there too?

 

I love women, don't get me wrong. But I've thrown this wall around myself that I know can't be healthy. I just see so many reasons NOT to trust people. What's a healthy way to accept contact, flirtaciousness, without giving the least amount of ego-boosting crap that MOST, if not all these chicks are looking for? I want a genuine relationship, but can damn well do without. I keep dating people, only to ditch them after I have the least sense of being used...maybe being over-sensitive, maybe not! Paulie

[Dragonflys]

I think you are just pissed with women, the reason being you are looking for them in bars. Hey, I understand completely coz that's where most of the single ones are, so I've wasted a lot of time looking around there too.

 

But bottom line is that women in bars just want to have FUN. They don't want emotion, character, deep understanding. They just want the cutest, funniest, richest, most social, most adept at sexual talk, kind of guy. Any other trait is not registered. He can be a total jerk, but if he scores points in those categories he wins out.

 

I'm sure there's a few good ones out there not at bars....I hold on to that hope!!

 

Oliver

[Paulie]

Thanks Guys!!!!!!!!!!