shes_so_lovely Posted May 31, 2006 Share Posted May 31, 2006 Ok almost 6 months ago me and my husband got super drunk and all of a sudden he asked me if I would have a threesome with my best friend! I was really upset, and I told him that the next day, but when I told him that, he tried to act like he only said that because he was drunk, and he didn't really want to have a threesome with her. Now it's been eating me up inside...I don't know if he really wants to or not. Now I feel uncomfortable when my best friend is around both of us, because I feel he likes her more than me. I mean he must have thought about it before, because why else would he bring it up? if he's fantasizing about having threesomes with my best friend..does that mean he is attracted to her? And is he just denying it because he found out I was upset? Another thing a couple weeks ago we were all together and he said "I would care if u had sex with another man, but if you too had sex I wouldn't care" that REALLY made me mad...husbands aren't suppose to say it's ok to sleep with somebody else..female or not. He claimed he was kidding but I know he wasn't. I'm afraid he isn't totally commited..I'm feeling really depressed..i just want to die. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted May 31, 2006 Share Posted May 31, 2006 I have told my husband that if he ever fantasizes about another woman - he should NOT tell me about it under any circumstances. I never ask him if I am the only one he thinks of. If I am not - I don't want to know. These are the boundaries I have set up BEFORE we got married - no female friends that he met somewhere after we got married that happened to be really cute and flirty and don't want to be MY friends too. No staring at other women when I am around. No watching pictures of naked women on the net when I am next to him. No commenting on other women's beauty, I don't want to hear how cute she is - he can keep it for himself. I told him that I don't care what's going on in his head - as far as I am concerned, he can fantasize about anyone as long as I don't know. Men distinguish their fantasies from reality. Actually I believe that nobody is completely faithful in their fantasies. If somebody went through the history of my fantasies and thoughts and accused me of something, I would say: "Oh, c'mon! It was just a stupid instant fantasy or thought that has nothing to do with anything!" Believe it or not, I even fantasize about being a judge or a teacher sometimes - not that I would want to be one. I have even fantasized about a cute guy admitting to me that he was female many years ago, but changed his sex (no sex involved in this fantasy, but the guy IS cute!). I fantasize about singing with a sexy black guy with a deep, sexy voice (no sex again). I fantasize about my husband being my boss and we go on a business trip and end up having sex... As you see, I try to restrict myself from "unfaithful fantasies," but nonetheless they are ridiculous and mean nothing to me. When I was married to my ex, I had a sexual fantasy about a person that I totally, absolutely didn't find attractive - in reality, I wouldn't even go out with him. My current husband admitted to have had a fantasy in the past about a woman he didn't find attractive at all too. I think your husband is attracted by the thought of you having sex with another girl. I don't think it necessarily means he desires your friend or even finds her attractive. Is she attractive, by the way? Another thing about men is that they want everything that is forbidden. When I first told my hubby that I've had experience with girls, he was excited. When I let him know that I wanted to try some more, but this time with him, he told me he didn't really care about it as he had tried it once in the past and it was no big deal, but would do it for me. From that point (as I kept bringing my desire), he moved to "Ok, but you'll have to ask me first if I am OK with it" to "I am not OK with it, it's risky to involve a third party in our marriage!" Your husband should have kept his fantasy (not really desire) locked in the closet. But he didn't. Although it's not a big deal, I completely understand your anger and discomfort when your friend is around him - or even around you only. If you want to give him a sour taste of his own fantasy, tell him that you met a girl (e.g. online) you'd like to try it with. Then tell him that her husband would join you in the action, but she refuses to accept your husband as a part of it. Let him know that you accepted this as you don't mind her husband watching you as long as he doesn't touch you and respect her desire that YOUR husband is not present. Then let him sweat for a few days. Later you can tell him that you were just teasing him, but that was YOUR fantasy and you wanted to see if he would be OK with it. Believe me, he'll never mention a threesome to you again and when he thinks of your friend next time, a huge matza ball will be in his throat! Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted May 31, 2006 Share Posted May 31, 2006 Almost every man has the fantasy of two women being together sexually and being able to participate or watch. It's normal. Being how this is your best friend, I would just outright ask him if he wanted to have sex with her. Then, base your actions upon his answer. The two of you should communicate. Link to post Share on other sites
portableversion Posted May 31, 2006 Share Posted May 31, 2006 or has watched way too much porn, and it's distorting his reality. Either way, put him in his place. Link to post Share on other sites
StayClose Posted May 31, 2006 Share Posted May 31, 2006 Fantasies are quite normal. I don't think they're harmful as long as one doesn't obsess too much on on them, or hurt someone's feelings in pursuit of making them happen. If threesomes are something that you'd never do, make that clear to him. If it is something that you might be interested in doing under different circumstances (not with this specific friend), be open with that too. There's no right or wrong answer for everyone, but both parties in the relationship need to know where the others' boundaries are. If you want to give him a sour taste of his own fantasy, tell him that you met a girl (e.g. online) you'd like to try it with. Then tell him that her husband would join you in the action, but she refuses to accept your husband as a part of it. Let him know that you accepted this as you don't mind her husband watching you as long as he doesn't touch you and respect her desire that YOUR husband is not present. Here's another... I don't suggest saying this unless you mean it, but if he's interested in a MFF threesome where you're having sex with the other girl, suggest also setting up a MMF threesome where he has sex with the other guy! (That's what my wife did when we had the threesome talk.) Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted May 31, 2006 Share Posted May 31, 2006 Oh jeez, all guys think they want threesomes and moresomes and girlsomes. I don't know if it's porn or just a standard guy fantasy - probably both, as it wouldn't be in porn if guys weren't turned on by two chicks together. Your husband is just having horny fantasies, and you probably don't need to be at all concerned that he's interested in your friend. Still, you should let him that he's making you feel insecure with all this threesome talk, and you need to know if he just likes the fantasy of two women together or if he is interested in having sex with other women. If it's just a fantasy he wants to act out, tell him that it hurts that he keeps bringing it up, to and that you aren't interested in opening your marriage to other people. You might also want to mention that it's a well known reality with swinging couples that guys get their wives to agree to it, and then the guys are really, really upset because their wives end up enjoying the swinging far more than the husband does. Fantasy and reality are not the same thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Pink_Tulip Posted May 31, 2006 Share Posted May 31, 2006 Everyone has fantasies about people outside thier marriage, but I think it is in extremely poor taste and very disrespectful to bring them up with your SO. I would be worried if I were you too. Have you all not discussed what is appropriate and what is not? Does he not know that you will not participate in threesomes in your marriage? There are so many threads where people find something out about their SO AFTER marriage and it causes problems. If you didn't have this conversation already, you need to have it now. State your boundries very clearly, let him state his, and move forward. Otherwise if he thinks you are even the slightest bit open to a threesome, he will keep pushing for it. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 1, 2006 Share Posted June 1, 2006 He doesn't like her more than you. You're married to him, SHE isn't. He's YOUR husband. Fact is, men can separate sexual and emotional feelings. Whatever you do, DO NOT TELL your bestfriend about this. It's only going to make things worse and her feel uncomfortable. Then you'll feel weird about it as well, probably get paranoid that she may 'be flattered' by his thoughts of wanting a threesome... He should not have verbalized his fantasy. That should have been kept to himself... Link to post Share on other sites
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