How do I shut out my heart?

[Guest]

I've been involved in an off again on again relationship for about four years. This relationship has always had big obstacles that have always resulted in a break up. Soon after we brake up we find our way back to each other.

We last broke up in April of last year and during this time we have kept in contact hoping to at least remain friends, (his idea). We talk on the phone, go see a movie or go out dancing occasionally. We've maintained this friendship even through other relationships. I've tried my best to separate my heart from my head but it seems impossible. When I'm next to him it doesn't make sense that we're apart. My heart tells me he could never be the boyfriend I want to have but my heart has forgotten the bad times. How do I separate them?

[riobikini]

re:

 

"I've tried my best to separate my heart from my head but it seems impossible. When I'm next to him it doesn't make sense that we're apart. My heart tells me he could never be the boyfriend I want to have but my heart has forgotten the bad times. How do I separate them?"

 

 

Guest,

 

Seriously, now, (Smile) -you haven't tried *hard enough*.

 

Fact is, you are *allowing* yourself to be weak in order to feed your foolish desires.

 

You may think that the strong emotions you feel when you are near him is a good enough excuse to cross those lines into negative territory that you, yourself, are already aware of and have pointed out in your post, -but meaningless physical desires spurred by a few passing emotions is not only not good enough, -it's 'cop-out' excuse to act foolishly.

 

Review of the cliche'-sounding sayings your mother used to say when you were growing up: "If your friends jumped off a cliff, -would you think it was ok to jump, too???"

 

That saying may take you back a few years -might even make you smile a little (or puke) -but what it *should* do is make you think about what you're doing -and saying- here, with your actions.

 

You're attempting to manipulate the whole situation in such a way that *allows* you to take *no responsibility* for any of your actions/choices. You're blaming *emotions*.

 

And I don't buy into that kind of thinking.

 

I believe, unless a person is impaired with mental defect, disease, or deficiency, -that they can, indeed, make a rational decision, -*if they only put forth the strong effort needed to accomplish it*.

 

So there's no need to hide behind an excuse, -especially one that blames those 'confusing', misrepresented, and/or slightly-drunk-on-passion *emotions*.

 

Emotions, alone, aren't reliable.

 

That's why we have a brain capable of rationalizing. Even in the presence of 'love', -and to a degree that can insure our safety and overall well-being.

 

I'd be lying my a*s off if I said I haven't fallen into the same trap as you have, a few times, myself. I'd also be biting off too much if I said there's not a snowball's chance that I'll ever be foolishly persuaded by strong emotions again. But the thing that has made the most difference for me, is coming face to face with my responsibility to myself, and learning that it goes hand-in-hand with *self-respect*, -something I cannot live without.

 

I guess it comes down to dividing things up into two categories: those who keep using weak excuses to continue foolish behavior, -and those who take the necessary time to kick their own as*s, and change things around to where it all makes sense, and thus, end up living happier, less traumatic/dramatic romantic lives.

 

In other words, they take *control* of things in a mature, responsible way, and end all the childish nonsense.

 

Hope this helps.

 

Take care.

 

All in kindness,

-Rio

[Rosalind]

My heart tells me he could never be the boyfriend I want to have but my heart has forgotten the bad times. How do I separate them?

2 words of advice for you : no contact

[radiation7740]

I've been involved in an off again on again relationship for about four years. This relationship has always had big obstacles that have always resulted in a break up. Soon after we brake up we find our way back to each other.

We last broke up in April of last year and during this time we have kept in contact hoping to at least remain friends, (his idea). We talk on the phone, go see a movie or go out dancing occasionally. We've maintained this friendship even through other relationships. I've tried my best to separate my heart from my head but it seems impossible. When I'm next to him it doesn't make sense that we're apart. My heart tells me he could never be the boyfriend I want to have but my heart has forgotten the bad times. How do I separate them?

 

 

I can only tell you what has and is working for me to help me get over my exes. That is I try to dwell on all the bad times. This works for me because the more I think about the bad times the more I'm convinced that the break up was for the best. I know I don't have to worry about those bad times ever again because the relationship is over.

 

If I dwell on the good times then I'm going to start wondering whether or not I made a big mistake by not taking my ex up on her offer to try again. This is how I separate my head from my heart. I also write down the reasons for the break up and post them on my refrigerator so I can bury it into my head whenever I start missing my ex.

 

I'm having a harder time getting over my current ex. Maybe it's because we were together for nearly 3 years and that's the longest relationship I've had. I don't know. But I've gotten over my past exes alot faster by remembering all the things I didn't like about them. Then I think to myself "I'm sure glad I'm out of the relationship." You know in some ways it is a blessing in disguise when we get dumped. I can almost thank most of my exes for dumping me. They did me a favor.

[radiation7740]

2 words of advice for you : no contact

 

Absolutely. I think a combination of no contact and dwelling on the bad times helps you get over the ex faster. I'm actually at the anger stage of the break up. My anger toward my ex makes it easier for me to continue with NC. If I'm angry with someone I don't want to talk to them.

[Guest]

re:

 

 

 

 

Guest,

 

Seriously, now, (Smile) -you haven't tried *hard enough*.

 

Fact is, you are *allowing* yourself to be weak in order to feed your foolish desires.

 

You may think that the strong emotions you feel when you are near him is a good enough excuse to cross those lines into negative territory that you, yourself, are already aware of and have pointed out in your post, -but meaningless physical desires spurred by a few passing emotions is not only not good enough, -it's 'cop-out' excuse to act foolishly.

 

Review of the cliche'-sounding sayings your mother used to say when you were growing up: "If your friends jumped off a cliff, -would you think it was ok to jump, too???"

 

That saying may take you back a few years -might even make you smile a little (or puke) -but what it *should* do is make you think about what you're doing -and saying- here, with your actions.

 

You're attempting to manipulate the whole situation in such a way that *allows* you to take *no responsibility* for any of your actions/choices. You're blaming *emotions*.

 

And I don't buy into that kind of thinking.

 

I believe, unless a person is impaired with mental defect, disease, or deficiency, -that they can, indeed, make a rational decision, -*if they only put forth the strong effort needed to accomplish it*.

 

So there's no need to hide behind an excuse, -especially one that blames those 'confusing', misrepresented, and/or slightly-drunk-on-passion *emotions*.

 

Emotions, alone, aren't reliable.

 

That's why we have a brain capable of rationalizing. Even in the presence of 'love', -and to a degree that can insure our safety and overall well-being.

 

I'd be lying my a*s off if I said I haven't fallen into the same trap as you have, a few times, myself. I'd also be biting off too much if I said there's not a snowball's chance that I'll ever be foolishly persuaded by strong emotions again. But the thing that has made the most difference for me, is coming face to face with my responsibility to myself, and learning that it goes hand-in-hand with *self-respect*, -something I cannot live without.

 

I guess it comes down to dividing things up into two categories: those who keep using weak excuses to continue foolish behavior, -and those who take the necessary time to kick their own as*s, and change things around to where it all makes sense, and thus, end up living happier, less traumatic/dramatic romantic lives.

 

In other words, they take *control* of things in a mature, responsible way, and end all the childish nonsense.

 

Hope this helps.

 

Take care.

 

All in kindness,

-Rio

 

Rio,

 

I had never thought about why I allowed myself to feel the way I did. I always focused on the fact that I was feeling something. You've made me think about the relationship that I do share with this person and realize that our relationship IS an immature one. It always has been and I guess it hasn't changed. The reality is that I willingly allowed myself to feel vulnerable and wasn't taking control of my emotions. I feel liberated...THANK YOU for taking the time to read and comment.

 

AZ

[SmoochieFace]

I can only tell you what has and is working for me to help me get over my exes. That is I try to dwell on all the bad times. This works for me because the more I think about the bad times the more I'm convinced that the break up was for the best. I know I don't have to worry about those bad times ever again because the relationship is over.

 

This technique works for me as well. The bad always outweighs the good and by putting the bad in the spotlite I am reminded of why the relationship failed. Works consistently and effectively.

[riobikini]

re:

 

Guest: Rio,

 

I had never thought about why I allowed myself to feel the way I did. I always focused on the fact that I was feeling something. You've made me think about the relationship that I do share with this person and realize that our relationship IS an immature one. It always has been and I guess it hasn't changed. The reality is that I willingly allowed myself to feel vulnerable and wasn't taking control of my emotions. I feel liberated...THANK YOU for taking the time to read and comment.

 

AZ"

 

 

Guest, (Smile), -you are most welcome.

 

And, -you're gonna be ok.

 

('nother Smile)

 

-Rio

[Love Hurts]

It is a concious mental decission. Difficult yet needed.

Where the mind is the body follows.

 

That pain in your heart......... throbs like a toothache.

Only endurance and time................. alot of time........... will fade.

 

The battle is ...the heart wants to lead.

 

~Mind over matter~

You think you will never get over your love............ one day you wake up and you can hear yourself singing a tune or whistling or you feel yourself smile at the birds singing... and you know your getting better.

 

The set backs are when we see or hear the one we are trying to get over.

Most difficult... but the further along you are in your personal healing process ,,,, that gets easier to bare.

 

The first step in letting go is like jumping off a cliff with no parachute.

You don't want to do it.

 

Once you go for it ... you can begin to go through the pain of loss and alas emerge out of it a new free person...

 

You have to make a concious decission to stop all contact.

In the end it has to be refocused on you. It's all about you.

You need to heal, you are worthy. You deserve better than this.

 

Good luck