What do women get from their male friends?

[Fun2BMe]

Talk about drama lol. Now I think she likes you more than friends but she feels she can't be with you due to your religion and is herself having a hard time keeping away from you. She is jewish but keeps the door open for christian potentials. Why don't you introduce her to Hinduism so that it is not something totally foreign to her and she might open the door to accepting that as well. Talk about religion separating people.

[Walk]

Oh. or how shortly after you bared your heart and soul to her, and she ripped it from your chest... she then wanted you to take her across the country with you when you went to visit old college roomy's.

 

In fact laid a guilt trip on you for not taking her. Because she "So wanted to be a part of your life".

 

Lay off him. You assume too much.

[noclobber]

No offense but this girl told you that she didn't want a relationship with you many times yet you still blame all of this on her. Maybe if you listened to her you wouldn't still be obsessing over her like a year later. Take responsibility for your own feelings and actions.

 

Okay I am really getting tired of being lapidated..

 

Yes, put all the blame on me women. I was the idiot that imagined her as more than friends even after she told that we were only friends.

 

If you see my previous posts in other threads you can observe that I was confused why this girl was doing certain things when we were "just friends". Here is a brief list of the things that she does:

 

1) She makes it a point to have lunch ONLY with me instead of going out with her colleagues or other friends (I am always her first choice - same goes to movies, concerts, games). If I refuse then she would go and ask her other friends. We met for lunch alone 4 times a week, and for 8 consecutive months!

 

2) In the train she used to block seats so that we could sit together each and every day, morning and evening, 4 months straight. If someone else sits she pretty much drove them away so that I can sit down with her.

 

3) Whenever I said I am travelling to a city (New York, Seattle) she said she wants to join me.

 

4) When I said that my new job may be in some other location she said that we shud still meet for lunch (even if it required taking the train to meet)

 

5) She wants me to relocate to her city so that we can hang-out more.

 

6) When I said I may have to go back to India she said "You are breaking my heart. I will come to India and see you"

 

7) When I went on a 1 month vacation she said that she got depressed the week after I left.

 

These are just a few examples that I can come up with. I really don't know how many of you women out here treat your "just friend" like this.

 

And for the life of me I don't understand why she never mentioned about her long-distance boyfriend to me... In her own words I am just her friend right? So why don't you talk about your SO to me?????

 

But still I am the one that is the bad guy here..... As a man I am 100% guilty and as a woman she is totally innocent.

 

Carry on and go ahead throwing stones at me......

[Fun2BMe]

Keep in mind Walk that he had her believe that he was only a friend to her. It would make sense for you to travel with a friend, to live together as roommates and so on. Whenever HE disclosed to her that he wanted to be more than friends, she felt betrayed and they fought. Remember there are two sides to every story. He now realizes he was wrong to think she wanted more and for him to have pretended he was ok with being no more than friends.

[Walk]

Keep in mind Walk that he had her believe that he was only a friend to her. It would make sense for you to travel with a friend, to live together as roommates and so on. Whenever HE disclosed to her that he wanted to be more than friends, she felt betrayed and they fought. Remember there are two sides to every story. He now realizes he was wrong to think she wanted more and for him to have pretended he was ok with being no more than friends.

 

 

No.. He started the "relationship" in a flirty way. He complimented her often, suggested non-friend type conversations. Acted in a way appropriate for someone interested in more then friendship. WHen he made his feelings known, she continued to insist he just be her friend. He toned it down after she mentioned her bf because he's honorable. But he never led her to believe he only wanted friendship from her. Nor did he state that's how he viewed it. In fact, she still wanted to go on vacations with him after he professed his love for her.

[kitten chick]

I didn't say you were wrong I just said you need to take responsibility for YOUR actions, not hers. If you really wanted to stop talking to her because it was too hard then you would have. It's pretty easy to not pick up the phone she calls or get a restraining order if she starts showing up where she isn't wanted.

 

This has nothing to do with being a man versus being a woman. If the situation were reversed I would be saying the same thing. We are responsible for ourselves, how we behave and our own feelings. Barring exceptions like children in abusive situations or the physically ill, we have full control of our behavior in interpersonal relationships. So what if she did like you as more than friends, she said she wasn't going to be anything more than friends with you because of the religious differences. Clearly you didn't respect her decision in the same way she didn't respect yours when you wanted her to stop talking to you...although I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt because I don't believe you really took a stand on that. I'm sorry if this seems harsh to you but if you keep getting responses from people telling you how evil this woman is and how she tormented you then you'll never see how your own behavior contributed to your current predicament.

[noclobber]

I didn't say you were wrong I just said you need to take responsibility for YOUR actions, not hers. If you really wanted to stop talking to her because it was too hard then you would have. It's pretty easy to not pick up the phone she calls or get a restraining order if she starts showing up where she isn't wanted.

 

This has nothing to do with being a man versus being a woman. If the situation were reversed I would be saying the same thing. We are responsible for ourselves, how we behave and our own feelings. Barring exceptions like children in abusive situations or the physically ill, we have full control of our behavior in interpersonal relationships. So what if she did like you as more than friends, she said she wasn't going to be anything more than friends with you because of the religious differences. Clearly you didn't respect her decision in the same way she didn't respect yours when you wanted her to stop talking to you...although I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt because I don't believe you really took a stand on that. I'm sorry if this seems harsh to you but if you keep getting responses from people telling you how evil this woman is and how she tormented you then you'll never see how your own behavior contributed to your current predicament.

 

I do understand what you are telling.

 

I never ever said even once that I was an innocent guy minding my own business and this woman came and lead me on. I very clearly told that I had feelings for her. And yet I am getting responses like:

 

you still blame all of this on her

 

Yes, you are all right about saying how this girl honestly told she only wants to be friends. It would have been even better if she told the exact same sentence when I gave her gifts. She could have said "We are just friends. I don't want to accept your gift". But no, she didn't!!! She happily accepted it.... Was she temporarily dumb and unable to speak then? Again I am not blaming her, it was me that gave her the gift, my mistake.. but why did she accept it? Why didn't she tell "we are only friends" at that time???????

 

I like your advice of taking responsibility for our own actions, feelings, and behavior. I will follow it from now on. Right now I am only trying to say what really happened...

 

And you really don't have to bother if someone else calls her evil. In Walk's eyes this woman is evil. She knows my entire story and that's the opinion she has formed on her. Just like how you and fun2bme are saying that this girl is totally innocent, Walk is telling that she is actually evil. People are free to have their own opinions.

 

Thanks

[kitten chick]

I never said that she was totally innocent. I don't think her behavior was fair but we're not here trying to help her, we're trying to help you. In your example, you should not have given her a gift if you expected it to result in a relationship..and that is a whole other issue..nor should she have accepted it if you made it clear to her that you had feelings for her and your intent in giving her a present was in a romantic way.

 

One of my closest friends is male. We burn cds for each other all the time. I have never given him one with the intention of starting a relationship with him nor has he with me...especially since he's getting married in a few months. It's possible to give friends of the opposite sex "presents" without it being anything more than platonic. The way I see it, just as she was giving you mixed messages, so were you. I know your story as well, I don't think her behavior was fair but she's not here looking to better her situation, you are.

[Fun2BMe]

I agree with kitten chick. She asked for friends only. You agreed. You gave her a gift with romantic strings attached. Maybe she didn't know there were strings and expectations attached to the gift.

 

Some of the gifts I have received from male friends include CDs, Dvds, jogging outfit, wind chimes, chocolate, books, wine, bottle opener, mug, flowers and more. They didn't turn around and get hurt that I didn't jump in the sack with them. I took their word that we are friends and they had no other agenda.

[noclobber]

I never said that she was totally innocent. I don't think her behavior was fair but we're not here trying to help her, we're trying to help you. In your example, you should not have given her a gift if you expected it to result in a relationship..and that is a whole other issue..nor should she have accepted it if you made it clear to her that you had feelings for her and your intent in giving her a present was in a romantic way.

 

One of my closest friends is male. We burn cds for each other all the time. I have never given him one with the intention of starting a relationship with him nor has he with me...especially since he's getting married in a few months. It's possible to give friends of the opposite sex "presents" without it being anything more than platonic. The way I see it, just as she was giving you mixed messages, so were you. I know your story as well, I don't think her behavior was fair but she's not here looking to better her situation, you are.

 

Thanks KC.

 

I just got tired when ppl repeatedly kept telling that "I am blaming it all on her". I agree that I was wrong too. But I just cudn't take it when ppl started getting an impression that I was the bad guy and she was completely innocent.

 

Did you see my posting where I have listed out the things that she does? What is your honest opinion about it? You can very well see that those are the things that confuse me.

 

I do understand about gifts. But I was talking about one particular gift that I gave it to her and she accepted it when she completely knew that I had feelings for her. She even said "I know you are dreaming about my cats". Yeah right, like her two cats come in my dreams. She could have told "we are just friends" at that time.

 

Even now this girl has presented me with tickets ($115) to Pearl Jam concert. I am not thinking "oh she loves me... she has feelings for me".

[noclobber]

I agree with kitten chick. She asked for friends only. You agreed. You gave her a gift with romantic strings attached. Maybe she didn't know there were strings and expectations attached to the gift.

 

Did you get a chance to look at the list of things that I have mentioned this woman does that makes me feel confused? Plz look at it and say whether this is normal.... I want your honest opinion on this. Just be blunt... If you think this is normal in a "just friends" relationship or not

 

We can talk about gifts later...

[Fun2BMe]

Did you get a chance to look at the list of things that I have mentioned this woman does that makes me feel confused? Plz look at it and say whether this is normal.... I want your honest opinion on this. Just be blunt... If you think this is normal in a "just friends" relationship or not

 

We can talk about gifts later...

I think you are incapable of having a friends only relationship with this girl. She sounds like a cool person to be a friend with. Travel, have lunch, go to cool concerts, sit on the train with. Because you yourself cannot accept it as friends only and are reading into everything and I don't blame you because you might not have control over it, then you should distance yourself from her for both of your sake. You are going to keep bringing up that you want more, she is not able and willing to offer you more. You are going to get upset and the cycle will continue repeatedly until someone gets very hurt or things end ugly. Move on.

[noclobber]

I think you are incapable of having a friends only relationship with this girl. She sounds like a cool person to be a friend with. Travel, have lunch, go to cool concerts, sit on the train with. Because you yourself cannot accept it as friends only and are reading into everything and I don't blame you because you might not have control over it, then you should distance yourself from her for both of your sake. You are going to keep bringing up that you want more, she is not able and willing to offer you more. You are going to get upset and the cycle will continue repeatedly until someone gets very hurt or things end ugly. Move on.

 

Okay I only wanted to know whether you find this normal or not...

 

I give up....

 

I came for advice and now realize that I am only being judged!!!!!!!!!

 

I had enough....

 

"This girl is an awesome cool friend and I am an idiot 'cos I am unable to have friendship with her." I accept this judgement...

 

Thank you!

 

PS: I accidentally met her when I was out on lunch. I just got this email from her:

 

"Subject: its been forever since I have seen you

 

It was good to see you today. I miss you.

I was just talking about you last night - I was saying that we were going to Pearl Jam in July.

Coffee today at 6?"

 

We met last thursday... its been only a week and to her it seems forever.. And of course I won't be meeting her for coffee

 

 

Thank you all for your advice!!!!!!

[Fun2BMe]

I am reallly liking this girl. I think it's sweet how patient she is with you and believes you too like her as she does you as a friend only. Too bad you like her more. Or actually too bad she doesn't want to reciprocate the feelings you have for her. That would be cute if you two became a couple. But oh well, life is not that simple. Maybe if you were able to accept her as a friend only down the road she'd develop more feelings for you in a romantic sense. On the other hand, you would risk getting hurt once she starts dating someone else.

[Art_Critic]

I like your advice of taking responsibility for our own actions, feelings, and behavior. I will follow it from now on. Right now I am only trying to say what really happened...

 

You are responsible for what you do and say and they are responsible for how they react to it..

 

The same works in reverse.

 

They are responsible for what they do and say and you are responsible for how you react to it.

[jerbear]

NOClobber,

 

I do not think it is normal.

 

While in college, I was in a similar situation. I have talked to some of her friends and even they are conflicted in saying I gave up a good friend to she is using me.

 

I think she wants to have her cake and eat it too. You are a close platonic friend while her bf, or lack of one, provides everything else.

 

Unfortunately, she will come back and did contact; since telling her NC is the way to go. You even left and considered going back to India; she still came back. She is emotionally attached to you however can't let go. She might oneday when she gets a bf while you get crumbs and sloppy seconds.

 

Noboday wants to get crumbs or sloppy seconds.

[Fun2BMe]

I think she wants to have her cake and eat it too. You are a close platonic friend while her bf, or lack of one, provides everything else.

You don't get it jerbear. You imply that women don't want to have sex. If they are in a friendship without sex (even though they flat out told the guy they either want friendship w/o sex or else nothing and the guy agreed even though he had another agenda he was not disclosing) that she is having her cake and eating it too. You think all male/female relationships owe it to have sex and friendship is otherwise a situation of being taken advantage of. He is not 2 years old. He agreed to a set up in which he would be a friend without sex. Then he cries about it wondering why after spending time with her she STILL doesn't want to have sex. Give me a break. And you are surprised she can have a relationship? Oh so if a girl has a male friend she is not entitled to ever have a sexual relationship or else she is eating her cake? He is free to have a sexual relationship with someone else too. That's the whole idea of being friends only. He is taking it upon himself to want sex with her or no relationship. Then he should walk away because that's not what she has agreed to.

Noboday wants to get crumbs or sloppy seconds.

If you are a friend, you are in a different category than someone who is getting seconds. You have one man you have sex with and a romantic relationship that can lead to marriage. Another you are platonic friends with in no undisclosed terms. if he has a fantasy and desire for it to be more against her desires, then that's HIS problem. They can both have their cake (significant other) and eat their cake (having a great friend). She has agreed to the terms, he pretends to agree but inside he wants more. If anyone, noclobber is the one who wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants to be both friends and romantic friends with her while she doesn't.

 

I would bet if he told her he met this great girl he is planning to take out, she will be encouraging of it. If she's not, that means she is stringing him along. I have the impression from her behavior of getting upset every time that he does tell her he wants more than friendship that she is sincere in her desire to remain as friends only.

[jerbear]

You don't get it jerbear. You imply that women don't want to have sex. If they are in a friendship without sex (even though they flat out told the guy they either want friendship w/o sex or else nothing and the guy agreed even though he had another agenda he was not disclosing) that she is having her cake and eating it too. You think all male/female relationships owe it to have sex and friendship is otherwise a situation of being taken advantage of. He is not 2 years old. He agreed to a set up in which he would be a friend without sex. Then he cries about it wondering why after spending time with her she STILL doesn't want to have sex. Give me a break. And you are surprised she can have a relationship? Oh so if a girl has a male friend she is not entitled to ever have a sexual relationship or else she is eating her cake? He is free to have a sexual relationship with someone else too. That's the whole idea of being friends only. He is taking it upon himself to want sex with her or no relationship. Then he should walk away because that's not what she has agreed to.

 

NoClob walked away from her and she pursued him like things didn't happen. One can not have a friendship when one has the hots for the other. He walked away, moved to another city, even tried NC and she contacted him.

 

What I am saying is she is responsible for her actions, she can sleep with her bf. what she is doing two things, keeping noclob for X while bf for Y. She is using him as a support. Noclob is in fact her safety net, her hollerback boy. He is own person and yes he can go find someone else.

 

I think he can be friends with her but not now.

 

 

If you are a friend, you are in a different category than someone who is getting seconds. You have one man you have sex with and a romantic relationship that can lead to marriage. Another you are platonic friends with in no undisclosed terms. if he has a fantasy and desire for it to be more against her desires, then that's HIS problem. They can both have their cake (significant other) and eat their cake (having a great friend). She has agreed to the terms, he pretends to agree but inside he wants more. If anyone, noclobber is the one who wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants to be both friends and romantic friends with her while she doesn't.

 

Right now IMO, friendship is not possible, she has to understand that and leave him alone. She maybe great cool person to hang out with. It is when a unbalance occurs like one developing feelings can really change things. Both would need to back off and respect that. She may even have to unilaterally end things. Yes she maybe heartbroken, he is too.

 

He wants one thing, she wants another; one will have to give. She knows he likes her, yet still keeps and allows him to do cross boundaries; then smacks him back to "we're just friends."

 

Their relationship has changed regardless.

[Fun2BMe]

Why is it that every time she asks him if he can be friends only, he lies and says yes when he knows he wants more? He says ok to friends only then he pulls his hair that she doesn't want more. I don't get why at the end of the day she is in the wrong for taking at face value what he tells her, only to be deceived. When he does tell her he wants more, she says she feels betrayed and doesn't want him. So that would mean he is free to leave without her chasing after him. So something is not adding up.

[Walk]

Why is it that every time she asks him if he can be friends only, he lies and says yes when he knows he wants more? He says ok to friends only then he pulls his hair that she doesn't want more. I don't get why at the end of the day she is in the wrong for taking at face value what he tells her, only to be deceived. When he does tell her he wants more, she says she feels betrayed and doesn't want him. So that would mean he is free to leave without her chasing after him. So something is not adding up.

Why are you persisting believing this girl has been innocently and morally superior in her actions?

 

Noclobber hasn't lied to this girl. He spent a large amount of time telling her he couldn't be her friend because of the strong feelings he had. He caved to her demands to continue contact with her. But she knew full well how he felt and still feels about her. At no time did he "decieve" her. So please stop implying that he's a liar.

 

The man was asking a simple question on whether this girls behavior is normal for a friendship type relationship between man and woman. And whether friendship between the sexes is possible.

 

This women has given every indication that if it weren't for her family and religion then she would date him. She is unwilling to let him go, and selfishly keeps him teethered to her by playing on his emotions. She gives just enough to imply she wants more, then cruel throws the friends aspect in his face. Maybe that's just how I see it. But she's done a lot of things that I wouldn't have done simply because I do realize how misleading it could be to someone. So either she's really ignorant, or doing it intentionally. Either way, it's not right.

 

And yes, I agree he needs to get far from this woman. She'll never get over the religion/family thing, she'll always want his full attention at all times, and she'll never see how horrible it hurts him. For noclobbers sake, he needs to cut his ties with her and heal from this.

[noclobber]

Why is it that every time she asks him if he can be friends only, he lies and says yes when he knows he wants more? He says ok to friends only then he pulls his hair that she doesn't want more. I don't get why at the end of the day she is in the wrong for taking at face value what he tells her, only to be deceived. When he does tell her he wants more, she says she feels betrayed and doesn't want him. So that would mean he is free to leave without her chasing after him. So something is not adding up.

 

Why are accusing me again and again?????? I don't claim total innocence and in the same sense I don't think I am totally at fault.

 

Okay let me clarify certain things. I seriously don't understand this statement:

 

Why is it that every time she asks him if he can be friends only, he lies and says yes when he knows he wants more?

 

What do you mean everytime? Let me tell you very clearly.

 

The very second time we went for lunch I gave her a compliment - "You have beautiful eyes" and she said thanks. A week later when we went for our first dinner I said "someone is looking cute in jeans" and she replied "please don't say that.. i am your friend". So it was very clear that she saw me only as a friend. Fine, I was disappointed but thought what's wrong in continuing with her as a friend. Yes, right here you will say that I am a liar that agreed to continue with her as a friend while inside I had feelings. Yes, I may be a liar, but I am also human. I cannot switch on and switch off my feelings in an instant like a robot. I did believe at that point that there is nothing wrong in carrying on with her as friends and I did that.

 

Things were going peacefully and nearly 2 months later I see her talking with someone on the phone and I ask who it is. She says "oh with my boyfriend in Philadelphia".. Great, this girl said that she sees me as a friend then why can't she say about her long-distance boyfriend??? She talked about her girlfriends and other guy friends but not once did she mention this guy. Why?

 

My heart that was peaceful once again got stirred from this point on. For some lame reason I thought that this is why she said we are just friends. Yes, I admit that I did a mistake by assuming things. But I am just telling what I did. I asked her casually why she never mentioned him and she said they were 'on again, off again'. I thought fine and continued to be with her. A month later she suddenly says that she broke-up with her boyfriend. At this point I thought I should talk with her and see how she feels about us being more than friends. What's so bloody wrong in this? Is it a sin to ask how the other person feels? Am I a liar b'cos I decide to ask my friend who has suddenly become single about having a relationship? I asked and she said she only likes me as a friend. That was it. I said fine and started walking home... she called me up and said she really likes to be with me, enjoys my company, but only appreciates me as a friend. i said okay.

 

The next day we met and had a heart-to-heart talk. That's when she said "you are not my type.. i can only marry a Jew or a Christian". I then said that I cannot continue being her friend while I have all these feelings inside me and requested some time off. She was extremely upset that I was backing off. But i told that i am being honest with her and myself and said that i cannot pretend to be her friend when i like her as more than friends. I said i will be away from her for a while and then get back to her as friends after my feelings subside. What's wrong with this??? Am I a dishonest man???? She resented it a lot but then I forced her to agree... We hugged and parted ways ...

 

The very next day when she saw me in the train station she tried to sit with me in the train and I had to send her off... she got pissed... And by the end of 1 week she said -> "You are betraying me. As soon as you learnt that I won't be physically intimate with you you are running away." So do you think I betrayed her by being away from her for just 1 week???????

 

After that statement she said she is breaking the friendship as she felt betrayed. I asked her not to, but in all her anger she broke and left. In less than 1 hour she apologized and said we should be friends again... I didn't respond. After all, I was just accused by her of betrayal. Phone calls, emails, and text messages followed but I didn't budge. She then kept quiet for 3 days and contacted me again.. She said "will you please forgive me, so that we can be friends again?".. I then felt bad for her and we met and had a conversation and started again as friends..

 

So that's it. It was exactly 2 times. In the 3rd week I met her I gave compliments and she said "i am your friend", that was the first time. In the 4th month, after her break up, I asked about her feelings and she said she only likes me as a friend, that was the second and last time. I never ever brought up that subject again....

 

My only concern in almost all of my posts were why she behaves the way she does when she says we were just friends. That's when the LS peeps told that she may be using me as a pseudo-boyfriend 'cos it didn't make sense for them why a woman would want to meet a guy alone 3 to 4 times every week if there is no serious romantic relationship. They were not accusing her, they were only trying to help me. One thing followed the other and in almost all the threads about whether men and women can be friends or not, it was repeatedly mentioned that if a guy spends so much time with a girl and if nothing is happening at the physical level then he is being played.

 

By saying this I am not telling that my friend has to spread her legs for me... if not she is using me.. We all are only wondering what might be the reasons behind this girl's behavior..

 

So that said plz don't say that I repeatedly kept bothering her with my love proclamations and she got annoyed every time..

 

Just take a look at this email from her. I already sent the first one, but plz take a look at her replies:

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

She: "its been forever since I have seen you.

 

It was good to see you today. I miss you.

 

I was just talking about you last night - I was saying that we were going to Pearl Jam in July.

 

Coffee today at 6?"

 

Me: "I can't make it for coffee ... there is an Office Party tonite..

 

See you sometime."

 

She: "sometime? are you mad at me? that makes me sad. I hate that we work so far from each other. how about tomorrow at 5?"

 

--------------------------------------------------

 

By forever she means the 1 week that we didn't meet..

 

And we don't work that far from each other. Yes compared to the previous office I am now a bit far from her... but its just couple more blocks..

 

And lastly why does she have to feel sad? Somebody plz explain this to me.....

[kitten chick]

Yes I think that conversation is normal. I think that you're reading too much into it. This is not a judgement on you it's an observation of what's happening in the interaction between you two. She likely does miss seeing you but not in the way that you take it to mean. I miss seeing my friends but I don't need it and I'm not devistated about it. I like them, they're my friends, of course I want to see them. I believe that is how she is verbalizing those feelings. Honestly, I do think you have very much overanalyzed this situation. It's not a healthy friendship for you to be in because you can't reconcile your feelings for her. You will continue to be hurt and disappointed that she's not reciprocating. I think, as everyone else has said, it would be best for you to remove yourself from this situation because it's clearly causing you a lot of anguish. You can use the opportunity to work on your obsessive thinking. Maybe meditation would be something that you're interested in, learning to live in the moment and not read too much into things. Maybe make some new friends of the same sex to hang out with.

[Fun2BMe]

From your bulletin style recap in a previous post I did not know the details of how it all went down. From what you just explained, yes I think she is being selfish and manipulative. I didn't realize how she was pulling you after you told her how you felt. As I mentioned my scenerio, if a guy I was friends with said they had more feelings for me, I would cut ties. I thought she was doing the same, but she is sucking you in when you try to leave. That is odd and not right. It goes against being just friends. She knows you have deeper feelings and is playinng with them. It's like dangling a carrot in front of a mule. you'll keep following it but will never get it. I would tell her to f - off. Maybe not like that, but I would definitely refuse to see her any more.

 

I am also beginning to wonder if she made up this supposed boyfriend she has in Philadelphia. It was enough to hurt you and your feelings for her to surface. As soon as she saw you suffered enough, she says they have broken up at which point you are in a vulnerable spot to ask her out only to get rejected. I think there was never a real boyfriend. Maybe a friend or an ex but nobody she was having an active relationship with. She sounds very manipulative. Stay away from her!

[noclobber]

Yes I think that conversation is normal. I think that you're reading too much into it. This is not a judgement on you it's an observation of what's happening in the interaction between you two. She likely does miss seeing you but not in the way that you take it to mean. I miss seeing my friends but I don't need it and I'm not devistated about it. I like them, they're my friends, of course I want to see them. I believe that is how she is verbalizing those feelings. Honestly, I do think you have very much overanalyzed this situation. It's not a healthy friendship for you to be in because you can't reconcile your feelings for her. You will continue to be hurt and disappointed that she's not reciprocating. I think, as everyone else has said, it would be best for you to remove yourself from this situation because it's clearly causing you a lot of anguish. You can use the opportunity to work on your obsessive thinking. Maybe meditation would be something that you're interested in, learning to live in the moment and not read too much into things. Maybe make some new friends of the same sex to hang out with.

 

Thanks KC. Yes I think I am becoming paranoid...

 

She just sent one more email and once again she has written "I miss you".

 

Okay... may be this is normal.... may be everything she does is normal and I am looking at it the wrong way...

 

I guess something is wrong with me...

 

What can I say? I just have to recap my own signature -> "I look inside myself and see my heart is black"

 

Thanks for the advice...

[noclobber]

From your bulletin style recap in a previous post I did not know the details of how it all went down. From what you just explained, yes I think she is being selfish and manipulative. I didn't realize how she was pulling you after you told her how you felt. As I mentioned my scenerio, if a guy I was friends with said they had more feelings for me, I would cut ties. I thought she was doing the same, but she is sucking you in when you try to leave. That is odd and not right. It goes against being just friends. She knows you have deeper feelings and is playinng with them. It's like dangling a carrot in front of a mule. you'll keep following it but will never get it. I would tell her to f - off. Maybe not like that, but I would definitely refuse to see her any more.

 

I am also beginning to wonder if she made up this supposed boyfriend she has in Philadelphia. It was enough to hurt you and your feelings for her to surface. As soon as she saw you suffered enough, she says they have broken up at which point you are in a vulnerable spot to ask her out only to get rejected. I think there was never a real boyfriend. Maybe a friend or an ex but nobody she was having an active relationship with. She sounds very manipulative. Stay away from her!

 

Thank you!!!!! Thanks a lot!!!!!!!

 

I am again not saying that I did not do anything wrong at all..... I still own responsibility for being with her after she said "friends only"...

 

My whole concern was about the other things that she does...

 

Well anyway, the solution is straight-forward -> Stay away from her.

 

Thanks for your advice and support in this regard... I hope we don't have any ill feelings between us...

 

cheers,

NC