KnowHowLoveFeels Posted May 31, 2006 Share Posted May 31, 2006 A co-worker just told me that his wife thinks that he's gay. (I don't think that he is.) I couldn't ask him why his wife would think this way, however, it got me thinking all day. Any suggestions, LS users? I mean, what would make you suspect that your husband is gay?? Link to post Share on other sites
933KJL Posted May 31, 2006 Share Posted May 31, 2006 On his knees giving another guy head?? Subscription renewal card to Advocate?? Nominated as the Grand Marshall in the San Francisco Gay Pride Parade?? Unusual random meetings with George Michael in public restrooms?? Just bought the season 6 DVD set fo Queer As Folk?? An unusual infatuation with anything Liza Minelli?? This is just a few clues Link to post Share on other sites
tinktronik Posted May 31, 2006 Share Posted May 31, 2006 And here I was listening for the Barbara Streisand, when all along it was Liza. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted June 1, 2006 Share Posted June 1, 2006 I had a gay husband. Neither of us figured it out until he got a mad crush on a guy - the first mad crush he ever had in his whole life. In retrospect, probably the most significant sign was that he took no interest in other women at all - didn't look at them or remark on them or even look up when there were scantily clad women on the tv. However, some guys who are gay will take pains to act like hounds when their wives are around. Just know that there are secret clubs for married men who are gay out there. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted June 1, 2006 Share Posted June 1, 2006 Ummmm, watching gay porn or gay websites in his history on the computer?? An obsession to hang out with the boys?? Some women also think that if a man wants to be stimulated anally (with a finger or such) that it makes them gay. Link to post Share on other sites
zarathustra Posted June 1, 2006 Share Posted June 1, 2006 Ummmm, watching gay porn or gay websites in his history on the computer?? An obsession to hang out with the boys?? Some women also think that if a man wants to be stimulated anally (with a finger or such) that it makes them gay. Maybe he's metro-sexual? Ask him to check his nails. If he stretches out his arm and holds up his hands pointing his fingers skywards, then that's pretty gay... if he curls his fingers towards himself (palms up), then he's probably straight. Maybe his wife has a stronger gaydar than you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author KnowHowLoveFeels Posted June 2, 2006 Author Share Posted June 2, 2006 Thank you every one for responding. It is a bit of an embarrassing question, and I wish I could ask him directly. He is definitely a metrosexual - very well dressed and takes care of his nails (and uses clear nail polish). I have asked to see his nails before and he'd curl his fingers to himself - as if he's looking at his own nails at the same time. He doesn't act gay - though he does like to cross his legs when he sits down. (I usually attribute that behavior to being gay.) He doesn't check out other women... but that's only because he's shy and polite (I think.) He does look at me with interest... though, I don't know. I seem to attract a lot of gay friends! What is it about ME that gay men just seem to love?? Mz Pixie suggested 'an obsession with hanging out with boys' - that is true to an extent. But don't most guys want to hang out with boys?? No other 'obvious' clues. But it really did give me a jolt. I mean, if someone -especially your own wife - accuses you of being gay, then I don't think you'd want to retell it as a 'joke', right? It is almost like he is admitting it... on the sly!! Aaargh! It's driving me crazy!! Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted June 2, 2006 Share Posted June 2, 2006 Mz Pixie suggested 'an obsession with hanging out with boys' - that is true to an extent. But don't most guys want to hang out with boys?? No other 'obvious' clues. But it really did give me a jolt. I mean, if someone -especially your own wife - accuses you of being gay, then I don't think you'd want to retell it as a 'joke', right? It is almost like he is admitting it... on the sly!! Aaargh! It's driving me crazy!! All guys like to hang out with the boys- but I work with this woman whose husband goes out several times a week and is gone all weekend almost every weekend with his buds. I made a suggestion I think he's having an affair (he's 40 and should be beyond that stuff)- and one girl said "Perhaps he's gay?" So, he was joking about it?? There are millions of men that are married or have been married that are homosexual. Most people are embarrassed and afraid to admit it and they kill themselves trying to conform. It's the same for gay women too. Many of them try to "pass" as heterosexual. Is he a black guy?? The only guys I've ever known who polish their nails with clear polish are black men. If he's not- then that kind of worries me. That's a big yuck to me. I can't imagine my husband polishing his nails! If you guys are good friends why not ask him why his wife would say that?? Perhaps he's not that interested in her sexually?? The way that I found out my gay best friend (female) was gay was by coming right out and asking her. I tried beating around the subject but that didn't work. She never mentioned dating ever! So, I finally asked and she trusted me enough to say yes. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted June 2, 2006 Share Posted June 2, 2006 The only guys I've ever known who polish their nails with clear polish are black men. I've seen it on wealthy white businessmen. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KnowHowLoveFeels Posted June 2, 2006 Author Share Posted June 2, 2006 So, he was joking about it?? Yeah... as if insinuating that his wife is crazy. Maybe she is. Maybe they aren't having sex. But I can't ask him that directly because he's a very shy person in general and any intimate question will be brushed off. So I know that I will not get an honest answer from him by asking him. Is he a black guy?? The only guys I've ever known who polish their nails with clear polish are black men. If he's not- then that kind of worries me. That's a big yuck to me. I can't imagine my husband polishing his nails! If you guys are good friends why not ask him why his wife would say that?? Perhaps he's not that interested in her sexually?? The way that I found out my gay best friend (female) was gay was by coming right out and asking her. I tried beating around the subject but that didn't work. She never mentioned dating ever! So, I finally asked and she trusted me enough to say yes. No, he's white. At first, I thought that was very weird too. But he likes the sheen on his nails. I have a bunch of gay friends (all male)... so I thought that I have a pretty good 'gaydar'. I can spot one pretty early on in our friendship. But this guy really baffles me. He is always flirting with me and it seems like he is actually interested in me in a sexual way... whereas the gay friends would flirt with me, but they don't have that look in their eyes (if you know what I mean.) Anyway. I'm thinking that perhaps they are not having sex. Oh, and this is the second time he told me that his wife is accusing him of being gay. (The first time, I just ignored that comment.) Link to post Share on other sites
zarathustra Posted June 2, 2006 Share Posted June 2, 2006 He is definitely a metrosexual - very well dressed and takes care of his nails (and uses clear nail polish). I have asked to see his nails before and he'd curl his fingers to himself - as if he's looking at his own nails at the same time. that's what my 'Will' calls hetero behaviour... tell him you think there's something stuck on the bottom of his shoes. Does he look at it lifting his foot in front of him to check or curl his knees behind him and look from behind? He doesn't act gay - though he does like to cross his legs when he sits down. (I usually attribute that behavior to being gay.) Nah, lots of straight men cross their legs and lots of gay men don't. He doesn't check out other women... but that's only because he's shy and polite (I think.) He does look at me with interest... though, I don't know. I seem to attract a lot of gay friends! What is it about ME that gay men just seem to love?? I'm definitely 'Grace' or 'Karen' where gay men are concerned. I don't choose my friends based on sexual orientation, but I seem to just have many gay friends too. Mz Pixie suggested 'an obsession with hanging out with boys' - that is true to an extent. But don't most guys want to hang out with boys?? Would you prefer you husband to hang out with girls or boys? No other 'obvious' clues. But it really did give me a jolt. I mean, if someone -especially your own wife - accuses you of being gay, then I don't think you'd want to retell it as a 'joke', right? It is almost like he is admitting it... on the sly!! I joke that my H is one of the gayest straight guy I know all the time. When I see that it bothers him, then I stop for a little bit. But my H is definitely straight.... until he tells me otherwise. Lately though, I've been wishing that I was a lesbian, though. Men are too frikin' difficult to figure out! Aaargh! It's driving me crazy!! KHLF, some people don't define themselves as gay or straight. Some people just love a person and that's it... doesn't matter if is the same sex or not. If your hubby shows interest in you, then he loves you for who you are and if you love him too, just accept this love. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KnowHowLoveFeels Posted June 2, 2006 Author Share Posted June 2, 2006 I've seen it on wealthy white businessmen. Ok.. that makes a lot of sense. He is wealthy. Link to post Share on other sites
AManWithTroubles Posted June 2, 2006 Share Posted June 2, 2006 I thought homosexuality was defined by who you are attracted to, not by what you wear, what you like, or how you dress. I have had quite a few people think that I am gay, even gay men. I think it has a bit to do with my smooth baby-face, but I assure you, I have never had an attraction to a man once in my life. I love women and everything about them, well, almost everything. Anyways, I just thought I'd throw this out there. Homosexuality is not defined by a way someone moves, dresses, or waves his/her hands. And I think it is rather quite silly to suggest so. Oh yeah, and I know of some gay men that are "manlier" than I. I don't sit aroud grunting, and womanizing, I think that's one of the things that make people think that I'm gay. I look at women, but I keep it subtle. I know of a gay man that likes boxing, but I hate boxing, I think it's dumb. Levels of sophistication are just that, it's not sexuality. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KnowHowLoveFeels Posted June 2, 2006 Author Share Posted June 2, 2006 I thought homosexuality was defined by who you are attracted to, not by what you wear, what you like, or how you dress. I have had quite a few people think that I am gay, even gay men. I think it has a bit to do with my smooth baby-face, but I assure you, I have never had an attraction to a man once in my life. I love women and everything about them, well, almost everything. Anyways, I just thought I'd throw this out there. Homosexuality is not defined by a way someone moves, dresses, or waves his/her hands. And I think it is rather quite silly to suggest so. Oh yeah, and I know of some gay men that are "manlier" than I. I don't sit aroud grunting, and womanizing, I think that's one of the things that make people think that I'm gay. I look at women, but I keep it subtle. I know of a gay man that likes boxing, but I hate boxing, I think it's dumb. Levels of sophistication are just that, it's not sexuality. Thanks for posting. I think you are right. I have never thought of this person as gay... it's just that the comment he made the other day really threw me off (being the second time.) He is not gay, and I should know that by now. Thanks for setting me straight again. Link to post Share on other sites
ronnieromance Posted June 2, 2006 Share Posted June 2, 2006 Whoa s***! I feel like I stumbled into Oprah's Secret BookClub by accident. LOL -R- Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted June 3, 2006 Share Posted June 3, 2006 tell him you think there's something stuck on the bottom of his shoes. Does he look at it lifting his foot in front of him to check or curl his knees behind him and look from behind? Um. No. Please don't buy into stereotypes. You'll just end up looking foolish when you count on these myths to guide you. Link to post Share on other sites
witchhazel Posted June 3, 2006 Share Posted June 3, 2006 I am new here this morning and I cannot believe this is the thread I read first,lol. My SO is all man, but that said, he has some quirks that have had others raise their eyebrows as to his sexual preference. Throw in that he is more empathetic and in tune with his and others emotions more so than a "typical" man, and if you knew him, you may wonder. I wondered for a second or two when we first met, but not because of stereotypes like his voice, or his grace or other silly things. He has a deep, masculine voice, for example. It's just little things he cares about that in my experience other guys don't. Hygeine, how he dresses, how our house is decorated, and his being in touch with other people's emotions. But he is most definitely sexually attracted to only me,lol. I will say the one time someone said it about my SO, he was somewhat hurt by the comment, but then he said he understood that since he doesn't come off in a stereotypical manly way, which , what is that, anyway? Grunting words out and pulling women around by the hair?LOL. He said some people just like labels and aren;t comfortable thinking outside the box and accepting that men can also be sensitive and into nice things like furniture, etc..and care about their appearance and NOT be gay. I think if your friend is telling you this, he must be hearing it from his wife all the time, and might need your reassurance that you do not think he is, but the only way you can open this dialogue up with him is to flat out ask him...good luck, and remember, in the famous Seinfeld words.."Not that there's anything wrong with it, ;)" Link to post Share on other sites
Author KnowHowLoveFeels Posted June 3, 2006 Author Share Posted June 3, 2006 I am new here this morning and I cannot believe this is the thread I read first,lol. Thank you for opening my thread first! This subject really bothered me this week. I have so many gay friends that I thought that I could handle taking on one more. No, seriously, it shocked me because it had never occurred to me that he is gay and the fact that he brought it up... upset me because I thought I knew him. I am intuitive and I can read most people quite well, so for him to ... almost hinting to me that he is... was a shock! My SO is all man, but that said, he has some quirks that have had others raise their eyebrows as to his sexual preference. Throw in that he is more empathetic and in tune with his and others emotions more so than a "typical" man, and if you knew him, you may wonder. I wondered for a second or two when we first met, but not because of stereotypes like his voice, or his grace or other silly things. He has a deep, masculine voice, for example. It's just little things he cares about that in my experience other guys don't. Hygeine, how he dresses, how our house is decorated, and his being in touch with other people's emotions. But he is most definitely sexually attracted to only me,lol. Well, as I said. This guy dresses well nicely and is extremely clean. That's what I like about him! Most men, including my husband, do not care about their looks or their hygiene. I think if your friend is telling you this, he must be hearing it from his wife all the time, and might need your reassurance that you do not think he is, but the only way you can open this dialogue up with him is to flat out ask him...good luck, and remember, in the famous Seinfeld words.."Not that there's anything wrong with it, ;)" Thanks! The first time he mentioned to me that his wife thought that he was gay, I asked him if he was in a serious tone and I looked into his eyes. I remember this: he was silent for a minute or so. Then he smiled wide and his eyes sparkled... and he held my arms with both of his hands... and he said, "No, I love women too much." So yeah, once again, i know that he is NOT gay. But I was hurt and confused to hear that his own wife accused him of being gay. I mean, she wasn't saying it in a joking way, but was calling him such, as in, 'you are stupid, etc...' Link to post Share on other sites
kitkat826 Posted June 4, 2006 Share Posted June 4, 2006 My boyfriend also crosses his legs sometimes when sitting and also pays close attention to grooming, hygiene and how he dresses. Though I've noticed that that is MUCH more typical of Latin men then others. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted June 14, 2006 Share Posted June 14, 2006 Hi everyone, Thanks for posting this thread. It has been helpful. I realized this week that my husband of twelve years is probably gay and feel like I've been hit by a tonne of bricks. Basically the red flags are lack of desire for sex, refusal to go anywhere with me, refusal to have couple friends, treating me like I have done something to him or that I am going to do something to him. Letting guys know that I am a burden. Refusing to like any cloths I purchased for our daughter (he dresses her very maculine), wanting to do all the grocery shoping by himself. Treating me like I am a dirty because I want sex. Refusal to make love if I wear lingerie. Loves grooming himself. Can only sustain if I am doing things to him. There is so much more. The signs are all there. I feel so stupid. I thought it was because he had been sexually abused as a teen by a woman and that he was now acting this out but no, I know in my heart what the problem is. He's gay, no it is time to move on. Guest Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted June 15, 2006 Share Posted June 15, 2006 Your husband doesn't sound gay at all. It sounds like he has major issues. The thing about gay men is that women usually find their gay friends/husbands/whatever to be very nice to them, very good friends, and overall nice to be with. Your husband is none of the above. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted June 16, 2006 Share Posted June 16, 2006 You don't think his rejection is because he's gay? What else could it be? He seems to be repulsed by all things feminine including our/my body. I dont' think it would be any different if he were with another woman. The upswing of all this is that I am starting to feel free of him so I am able to voice my objections. Today I called him an a**h***. Yesterday I went to our church for a meeting where there is a single fellow who I think likes me and I think I might like him. He's nothing special to look at but dang he's warm and snuggly. Truth is... over the last year I've had six different men who don't know each other let me know that they are available. None has tried to kiss me or anything like that because I am married but they have all approached me. Not this guy though, he just watches and talks if I want to talk. I think all these advances is because it's obvious that I am desparate for the touch both emotional and physical of a man who like womens - someone who thinks we are wonderful. Someone who doesn't mind if we are not perfect. I remember what that used to be like before I married my husband and wish I could have it again. It's so strange, my husband was not like this before I married him, but honestly, he changed almost immediately after the rings were on. I thought it was a phase, but it didn't stop, then I got pregnant figured I'd try and make it work. I had come to the conclusion that he married me to use me as a sheild for his homosexuality and then felt comfortable raging at me for all that any woman has ever done to him. Guest Link to post Share on other sites
Author KnowHowLoveFeels Posted June 22, 2006 Author Share Posted June 22, 2006 You don't think his rejection is because he's gay? What else could it be? He seems to be repulsed by all things feminine including our/my body. I dont' think it would be any different if he were with another woman. The upswing of all this is that I am starting to feel free of him so I am able to voice my objections. Today I called him an a**h***. Yesterday I went to our church for a meeting where there is a single fellow who I think likes me and I think I might like him. He's nothing special to look at but dang he's warm and snuggly. Truth is... over the last year I've had six different men who don't know each other let me know that they are available. None has tried to kiss me or anything like that because I am married but they have all approached me. Not this guy though, he just watches and talks if I want to talk. I think all these advances is because it's obvious that I am desparate for the touch both emotional and physical of a man who like womens - someone who thinks we are wonderful. Someone who doesn't mind if we are not perfect. I remember what that used to be like before I married my husband and wish I could have it again. It's so strange, my husband was not like this before I married him, but honestly, he changed almost immediately after the rings were on. I thought it was a phase, but it didn't stop, then I got pregnant figured I'd try and make it work. I had come to the conclusion that he married me to use me as a sheild for his homosexuality and then felt comfortable raging at me for all that any woman has ever done to him. Guest Hi Guest! It sounds like your husband has a lot of resentment and anger toward you. But he doesn't sound very gay... at least not by the descriptions you've made. A gay friend told me that what sets gay men apart from hetros is the fact that gay men are either repulsed or not turn on by the female genitalia. For example, he'd never get an erection just by having a naked woman in front of him. Another thing is that he'd never go down on a woman. Hope that helps. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 I didn't realize you had answered. I agree that he sounds angry and hostile, not gay. He's mad at you for something or has decided he doesn't like you for some reason. The only way you'll find out why is if he tells you. But it's highly unlikely that he's gay, IMHO. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted June 23, 2006 Share Posted June 23, 2006 An acquaintance of mine told me once that his wife told him: "You spend all day every day at the pub drinking with your male buddies! Are you gay or something?" The truth is he used to sleep with prostitutes all the time and admitted that to his wife. What an idiot, huh! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts