second chance situation

[Jamiejoy]

ok so Im not sure if anyof you will be able to relate to this but I needed to at least try and get soem feedback as to how to handle this difficult time.

I left my husband of three years back in Late MArch we decided to give it through the summer ot see how things were going. I let mostly becaus eo his lack of ambition, financial stress, etc. we rarely fought in our relationship infact it was like the passion just died, and we siply co exsisted.

I moved out of state with my two kids, hoping to make it on my own but with the bruised credit from the marriage, I needed a co signer I had no family,and most of the friends I DID have were not too well off, I had a male cosigner which later moved in. I maintained my promise and had no sexual relationship with this man. We had feeling for each other but agreed not to act on them in that way until I was sure what I needed to do. The situation turned sour as this man was controlling and possesive. I tried moving back in with my husband but was scared of leaving this other guy and I couldnt find the feelings I had for my husband. I left again,(2 days later) recently I talked to him and he wanted me to run away with him, start fresh, I wasnt sur ehow my *roomate* would react so I said give me a little time. MY husband seemed to be doing some really good things, got bills in order, started an online class, started seeing a therapist, etc. I was happy this was looking like it was going to work out. all of a sudden he said he met someone and that they were *just friends* but he then ignored my phone calls, forgot my sons birthday, let his classes fail, etc. ALL within the past 3 weeks. HE told me he had roomates also, he met them from someeone at work . when he didnt return my calls and didnt call for my sons 2 year birthday I freaked out, I drank quite a bit and went to sleep only to find the next morning the *roomate* had sex with me while passed out. THis I feel totally and utterly ashamed of doing. BTW

I finally sat him down and told him I wanted to come back that the situation was bad there and I wanted my family more than anything. he started saying I dunno, that he was happy now, etc. I finally told him look tell me now if everything you said when I left in April is true because if it isnt I have to go somewhere else. he said yes but he had cheated on me, neglected our kids while they were visiting, let himself go down the tubes and he had moved in some prio ( not so healthy ) aquaintances. HE has cut everything off with the girl, and the aquaintances should be finding a new place here soon. but I am having a hard time sleeping in the bed we made our babies on, wher he cheated on me. I keep replaying things in my mind over and over, I asked him specifics.. why? to torture myself? I would like to get therapy and as soon as we can afford it we will, but I'm just wondering what coping tactics anyone could share? I try not to talk about it and at time I'm ok if I dont think about it, but whenI do I get so overwhelmed and distant. I HATE being in my old house and looking at all the roomates pictures and all thier things, I feel like a stranger in my OWN house. Nothing is like it was when I left everything that made our house a *home* is boxed up in the basement. I just want to feel OK again.

[sirjay]

Sounds like you have been having a terrible time. Sending you a hug

 

There is a lot there to comment on. The first thing I wanted to say reading it is: this guy that had sex with you while you were unconscious? If he did it without your consent then it's rape and you should take matters further. Secondly, you have nothing to feel guilty about there, whatsoever.

 

Re- your current situation. It sounds like a difficult one bearing in mind that you are not financially enabled to make the changes that would be ideal. I sympathise, I am in the same situation myself and lost someone I love deeply because of not being financially independent.

 

I am thinking of changes you might be able to improvise that could help. The bed thing sounds like a major one. I am wondering if you could make some symbolic changes to break the connection - perhaps you could rearrange rooms, put the bed in another room, if you have a little cash maybe a cheap futon and throw the bed away? i am just brainstorming here but i think the bed is tainted in your mind and i wonder if that will go away in time or not...