Affection - NonExistant...

[SadGreenEyes]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years.

He is a cancer survivor, and I met him about a month after his biopsy after going through intense aggressive chemotherapy for 7 months. His cancer was bad and it was in Stage 3/4. When he got the good news, he decided to start a relationship. We met, hit it off and started dating. In the beginning the affection was great, I mean, it was there. We waited a month before we made love, and that too was wonderful.

A few months later and after a few arguments, his Mother became ill. From that point on, any and all affection ended. She passed away a few months later.

The last time we were intimate was January 2005. His Mom passed away in March of 05. 6 months after that his sister passed away.

After a terrible year of loss, I understood that affection would be the last thing on his mind. I thought eventually things will come together and we'll reconnect. It never happened.

For the last year and a half I have been mentioning this to him, asking for it, pleading for it, to no avail. He says he hold too much resentment towards me from past arguments. This man can not and will not let go of the resentment. Because of the lack of affection, I have become clinically depressed, angry, bitter, confused, sad, frustrated, aggrivated, hurt so deeply. I have blamed myself for being over weight, however I have lost 20 lbs in the last few months and it hasnt made a difference.

I try to stress the importance of this but it always seems to back fire and causes a fight. He does not like talking about it.

He is clinically depressed as well because of the cancer, and his loses, which is totally understandible. I respect that.

Every day that passes starts off with hope for me...Will today be the day?? Then when the day is over, I am always disappointed.

I know he is not cheating, not physically anyway. I have spied him masterbating in the bathroom to Victoria Secret magazines. He does this after telling me all the while that he has zero libido.

No libido? If you didnt have a libido or sexual urge, what makes you want to masterbate?

When I saw him doing this, I wanted to vomit. I was so distraught. I found myself jealous over these magazines. I asked him if he masterbates, he said no. He lied to me, to my face. I know its an embarrassing topic but when you havent gotten any in so long, you start to think.

Obviously my bringing it up to him at least once a week for the last year or so has not gotten me anywhere, in fact it pushes him further away from me. I started speaking to a therapist about this and she told me tonight that I should not bring it up to him anymore. Hard habit to break since I am in desperate need for this mans love and affection, to be held, kissed, made love to like we used to.

Any ideas on how to handle this? Has something like happened to anyone else?

All comments welcomed and sincerely appreciated

[Outcast]

He clearly needs a therapist of his own - or for you two to go to a relationship counsellor.

[norajane]

I am so glad that you have started seeing a therapist!

 

So many issues here - it's good to have an objective third party help you sort through your thoughts.

 

Your boyfriend is a cancer survivor, and then saw his mother and sister pass away. He's got guilt (why them and not me?), he's got pain of loss, he's got a hell of a lot going on in his head. Since you have helped him through all of this, it's possible he might associate you with all the sadness and need some time, more time, to work through it.

 

The more you push for affection and attention, as you've seen, the more you are likely to push him away. It's needy and clingy and he can't deal with demands/pressures at this point. It sounds like he's barely keeping it together.

 

EVERY man masturbates. There is NOTHING embarrassing about masturbation. A lot of them masturbate every single day. Some masturbate twice a day (and these men still have sex with their lovers). Under normal circumstances, masturbation does not in any way replace their passion or desire for women.

 

Masturbation is a way for men to relieve stress, among other things. He lies about masturbating because he knows it pisses you off that he does it, but he will not stop (so stop asking him - you know the answer). Men masturbate from the time they start having erections until they no longer can in old age. They do it to help them sleep, becasue they have a woody in the morning, in the shower, it's natural and the furtherst thing from cheating. It's his body - he has full and complete rights to touch himself and give himself orgasms.

 

The magazines are the visual aid that he needs to do come (just like women often fantasize in their heads while they masturbate). It's not that he has a passion for the girls - it's the sexy images that fire up the hydraulics so he can get off. And getting off, releasing the stress, is all he wants.

 

That's why he can't be with you. All he can handle right now is the stress release. He can't handle your physical and emotional needs right now. He can't focus on giving you pleasure. So instead of making a half-hearted attempt to have sex with you knowing he won't be able to do it right, he doesn't do it at all.

 

Your therapist gave you good advice. Back off on the desperate attempt to get him to pay attention to you and to have sex and to stop masturbating. Give him a lot of breathing room for the next few months and let him clear his head.

 

You also should take the time away from him to reconnect with yourself and what you want out of life. When was the last time you spent a whole week without thinking about his problems? How is the rest of your life - job, family, friends, interests, health?