I have to start somewhere, I guess

[JN322]

I am a 25 year old male, virgin, no kiss, only a couple of dates in my life (each of which ended in an "escape" cell phone call from a friend ending them early).

 

I didn't date in high school, and was absolutely terrified at the prospect of talking to anyone. I've been overweight my whole life. I weighed 300 lbs. graduating high school, and 400 coming out of college.

 

After college though, I had enough of lonliness and being unconfident. I finally got on a diet, started exercising, and lost some weight. I'm down to about 240 now, but I still need to lose more (its a lot harder to lose now).

 

I want to start looking to find someone to date, but I have the problem of being as old as I am without any real social skill-sets. I don't know anything about finding girls, approaching them, or anything like that.

 

Most of my friends are in relationships, and have been with the same girls for a few years. Only 2 of my friends are in the habit of dating for a short period of time and are constantly being around people. Since I don't really know what to do on my own, I try to go with them and meet people since they're always looking (which I'm sure doesn't make them the ideal people to watch, but I think I'm more likely to meet new people with them than the guys who have been in relationships for 3-4 years). Unfortunately the only girls who I have had talk to me for any length of time were trying to get to my friends through me.

 

I'm not looking for sex at this point, just some casual dating to get into the groove of things. Unfortunately I have some setbacks going against me. I'm still overweight (but working on it). I'm unattractive physcially on top of that, and I have a voice that I personally dislike and I'm self-conscious about it. And I of course have zero confidence due to all my prior rejections, a lot of being hasseled when I was younger, and no experience. I'm not trying to invoke pity or anything, but I'm trying to be realistic about what I have to work against.

 

I have some positive things, I'm intelligent, I have a career which is going very well right now, and people tell me I'm funny.

 

I'm just not sure where to start off at something as an older person that most people begin in the teenage years.

[waitingforlove]

Hi JN322, you're not that old for a guy. I'm a bit older than you and I'm a girl, and just got dumped too! Sometimes I worry that I would never find someone who will love me, or by the time I find "him," I will be too old anyway ... I don't really have a lot of good advice for you, but I just want to "support" you on here. Some day, that right girl will come around, you just have to wait and believe that there's somebody out there waiting for you. Maybe try expanding your social life a little bit more? I don't know .... but I can tell you this: Not all girls like physically attractive guys. We want someone who actually cares for us and has a good heart inside. So don't get down on yourself, be confident. Confident people are attractive, you know!! Also, I've heard that love usually happens at the time you least expect it. So don't lose hope, and don't feel desperate either. Just hang in there!

[JN322]

Thanks for the support, waiting. I appreciate it. I'm curious though, anyone have any advice for an absolute beginner?

[j.carsey]

The confidence thing is really important. When talking with other people, you have to stop saying bad things about yourself. This doesn't mean you shouldn't seek to improve yourself, definitely always try to improve yourself, but don't go around advertising your anxieties and complaints.

 

It's totally about image ... basically I am saying you should make an effort to "fake it", that is, when interacting with other people pretend there is nothing bothering you. Put on a smile, no matter how ridiculous it may seem.

 

On the weight thing, first of all there are a substantial number of women out there who enjoy largish guys (large guys have an easier time then for example large ladies). It would be possible for you to even find a smallish fit woman if that's what you like so you must accept this in your mind, there is nothing PHYSICALLY that prevents you from hooking up. Even my ex has a thing for large fat guys and although she is thin and fit she would totally date one. Of course converting some fat to muscle is a fantastic idea.

 

But I'm telling you that the self image, as far as how you act and how positive you look, is a lot more important than the lbs on your body. When interacting socially, try to smile as much as you can. Don't talk yourself down! NEVER talk yourself down. The same goes when you're around other guys.

 

On the age thing / virgin / whatever ... ok listen up I was in a very similar situation even the age. I was a virgin into my 20s and had way too little experience dating, had barely kissed or touched any women. I just made sure that I didn't advertise it, for instance when I started meeting my girlfriend I did not mention that I was inexperienced with girls in general. In fact I never told her I was a virgin, period.

 

The truth of the matter is, people don't have to know this stuff and girls will hesitate to be with guys who say they are not good with women. So DO NOT tell a girl that you know nothing about girls.

 

Everyone has to start somewhere right. For me it came late too but after we hit it off in no time we were having regular sex. But it came together because I did not advertise my weaknesses and as far as she could SEE, I was just another normal guy who liked her and she happened to like me.

 

There is no reason things can not work out well for you, so best of luck, and maintain and a positive image to the outside world