pending marriage broken off

[overseas2004]

HI

 

I want to thank anyone in advance who answers this email. Today is probably one of the worst days of my life.

 

I met this man several months ago on the internet. We are both 38 and lived in different cities. I flew over to met him in between a business trip and we spent two weeks together dating each other every night. At first it went slow and I wasnt even sure that he liked me. Before I left I tested the waters and made a comment that I really just dont hang out with men and that I dont make men my friends. He responded by telling me that he liked me alot. We went to bed together that night but we did not have sex.

 

We talked alot that night and he told me that he was really looking to get married and have children. He complained that it was hard to find the kind of woman he was looking for.

 

After I left we continued to be in touch. I have to admit though that I was better at calling than he was. I tried to stay away from the phone and let him call more, but eventually after sometimes more than 8 days of not hearing from him I would call.

 

I had another business trip where I was passing close to his town and I called him to tell him and asked him I could come to see him. HE said "you dont have to ask, you are my girlfriend, just come home".

 

I went to see him and we spent a week together and it was really nice and we got pretty close. This time we had sex. It was pretty phenomenal. I felt like I was starting to develop feelings for him. At the end of the trip, he told me that the next time before I we see each other that he thought that we should both have an AIDS test and that way we could have sex without condoms. I asked him "what if I get pregnant? He said "its ok by me, in fact I would like for that to happen".

 

Over the next month that we were apart we talked alot. He was a bit better about calling but I was still calling more. On one occasion I complained about my job and told him it was giving me stress and that sometimes our personal life was stressful too because we were apart. He told me that I had nothing to worry about that my life with him was certain, that it was just a matter of time.

 

Later he would ask me on the phone "how his mother in law was" and tease me that way.

 

We just saw each other for the third time the other day. When I arrived he told me "I know that you would like to get things squared away regarding our future plans and commitments". He told me that it would be best if I moved to his city in september and we started to live together and start making our plans for our married life". I was so happy. But I asked him "do you want me to leave my job". (I have an important job). He said "yes, its better if we live here, you travel too much and we wont be able to have children that way".

 

That night we had sex -- unprotected. I was ovulating that night and I was really excited.... that maybe we were going to make a family that night. At the last minute he pulled out. I got really stiff and my emotions started to boil over. He asked me what was wrong and I told him that his actions gave me the impression that he wasnt serious about our future. He said "look I do want to have kids, I just didnt say tonight, then he said we still have to live together and get to know each other better". I told him "i do agree, but if we still need to get to know each other better then I think that you need to stop making comments about us getting married and having children and our relationship needs to slow down.

 

I was angry and I told him that it also bothered me that he was bad about calling me and that he had not offered to come to my city to visit me. The fight lasted all of 15 minutes and it was over. We went back to bed and all was better for the next week. We had sex, of course he always pulled out and I said nothing.

 

At the end of my trip I flew on business again to another place. We were only four hours away from each other and I asked if he would come to see me on the weekend. HE agreed.

 

When I arrived, I sent him a text message saying "I arrived well". (to make all of you understand I went to a war zone so it was a bit dangerous). He wrote back "I hope that everything is ok". I interpreted this to mean he wasnt getting my text messages. So I sent him several more asking "are you getting my messages". He did not respond for a whole day.

 

I called to make sure he knew I had arrived safely and was ok. I asked him if he got the messages and he said yes. I asked him why he didnt reply and he said he was busy. I got miffed and told him, I thought that we straightened out our communications problems. I thought we wont have problems with you calling and us talking anymore as normal couples do. He told me he would call me the next day.

 

Days went by and he didnt. I finally broke down and callled him. To make a long story short he told me that he had a 10 year relationship in which he always used to fight. He told me that it even got physical at one point and she hit him. He said that he really never wanted to hurt her but in trying to stop her that she fell on teh ground. He said that he saw that our relationship was going in the same direction and that he couldnt stop from feeling that maybe we should not get married and have children.

 

I am devastated.

 

We saw each other in person last monday and I logically tried to talk to him. I touched him several times during the conversation and tried to assure him that anger is ok if its once in a while. He did not respond until the very end. He hugged me and held me tight and kissed my entire face. Then he told me we could talk about this again when he returned from his trip.

 

I am devastated. I dont get what happened. I know I shouldnt have gotten angry when he didnt come inside me. But didnt he lead me there?

[tikigods]

How many times have you actually been with this guy in the real world (not calling on the phone or on the net and so forth). In just a few months you both have started to plan a huge future together, and it sounds like you guys are going at a break neck speed. I think you need to step back and see teh whole situation, what do you really know about this man?

[overseas2004]

We spent about a month together

[tikigods]

a month is no time to start planning a future. You both haven't seen eachother at the best and the worse and I think its time to step back and really see whats going on. While I know some people meet one day and get married the next and then remain married for a bajillion years, that is very very very rare. Get to know him, move closer to him, then in a year or so plan a family. Right now this is on a fast track for bad things

[mikethmn]

Listen... I am a man. ANY honest man will tell you that you can't trust men to be 100% faithful in body and mind. We all imagine other women, and most of us act on it.

 

I think this man of yours is a player and a stringer keeping you around just for the sake of keeping you around.... I don't mean to be a downer, but just think about all the other "you's" there are out there. He never comes to see you and I'll be he gets defensive when you mention his communication issues.

 

Here's some advice... Let him go for a while and DON'T call him... let him call you. If he cares about you then he will.... Trust is something to be earned. Not given away immediately (especially in this case).

 

Good luck and be strong.

[Guest]

Jeezus... I thought my relationship was moving too fast. You've known each other a month and your pissed because he didn't come inside you? Sorry... but that is nuts.

 

Take a few steps back or you are chase away this man... like I just chased away mine.

 

Forget having kids with this guy right now... you don't even know him! If you want a child that badly, get a sperm donor and do it by yourself!