Sexually Molested By My Own Brother

[MsScorpio]

I don't know where else to go.

 

I have been sexually molested by my own older brother when i was around 11 or 12. I was sleepping and I felt somebody touching me down there and it was him. I thought at that time that it was part of my dream. But it wasn't. I got up and left the room.

 

Since then, it never happened again. We both pretended that nothing happened.

 

Well, for some reason, I had completely forgotten about this incident (repressed), until a few years ago. I suddenly had a flashback of the whole incident. I feel disgusted and ashamed and embarassed. And I am very angry.

 

I never told anybody, not him, not even my parents. It will break their heart.

 

The problem now is that, I am living at home. My parents will be coming home from their vacation and my brother will be staying with us indefinitely.

 

I don't know how to deal with this situation. I don't want to be there when he's there. But at the same time, I don't think I have anywhere else to go.

 

I hate him. But I don't know how to confront him. He might have forgotten about it too, but I doubt it.

 

I have been depressed for many years now, probably because of it. And that I've been dealing this by myself.

 

I don't know what to do.

[quankanne]

ugh, that is an ugly situation to even think of someone going through. Lo siento, MS; I don't know what else to say except, I'm sorry.

 

have you spoken with a counselor abut this? He or she might be able to help give you the tools to better cope with this knowledge, including how address your brother.

 

hugs,

quank

[inertia_creeps]

Hi there, what a nasty and confusing experience for you, at least you know now that you have somewhere to come and vent your feelings. May i ask how old he was when this happened? was he older or younger than you?

[MsScorpio]

ugh, that is an ugly situation to even think of someone going through. Lo siento, MS; I don't know what else to say except, I'm sorry.

 

have you spoken with a counselor abut this? He or she might be able to help give you the tools to better cope with this knowledge, including how address your brother.

 

hugs,

quank

 

 

Thanks. No I have not seek out a counselor. I feel embarassed. I know I shouldn't be but I can't help it.

[MsScorpio]

Hi there, what a nasty and confusing experience for you, at least you know now that you have somewhere to come and vent your feelings. May i ask how old he was when this happened? was he older or younger than you?

 

He's 4 years older than me, so he was probably around 15 or 16 at the time.

 

I'm angry that he ruined my childhood and faith/trust in people, especially men in general. Brothers are not supposed to do that to their younger sisters. We are supposed to be a family.

 

How am I supposed to tell my parents about this? I can't.

[SILLYRABBIT]

Very sticky situation to give advice on. Well here goes....

 

I think that you must sort out your feelings with a qualified therapist first so that you can work through your feelings with someone educated to do so..

 

How old are you?

 

16 year old boys are confused and a bit crazy and curious in the hormones department, but I am not in anyway saying that it is O.k. that he did that you to you. Its not! All I'm saying is that he may be embarrased and hurting inside because it haunts him that he did that to you, IF HE HAS GROWN UP AND REALIZED THAT IT WAS SO COMPLETELY WRONG.

 

I really am so sorry that you had this happen and truly hope that things work out for you.

 

See a Therapist about this.

 

Silly Rabbit

[RecordProducer]

Talk to your brother about it! Make yourself be completely honest and express your feelings to him fully, including your hatred toward him. Start from there. Tell your parents too. They must know. Go to therapy.

 

I was molested by a step-father and things became MUCH, MUCh better since I started talking about it to everyone. The pain neevr really goes away, but you learn to deal with it and put it on aside. My mom divorced him immediately after finding out.

 

I was living in constant agony while nobody knew. The first person I told was my friend who admitted she was molested once by some guy in a park when she was like 4. I told her I was molested too and for the first time, I realized that I didn't have to explain any details. The details were the ones that killed me. I didn't want to share them. I felt guilty too, although I was the victim.

 

Feel free to NOT share any details that you don't want to share. Just tell people what happened in one or two sentences and let them know that you don't want to talk about it anymore.

 

People have asked me all kinds of questions and I despise them for that. The people who really love me (my mom, dad, husband) never asked me for deatils and hubby even stated he didn't want to hear them cuz it would hurt him.

 

My ex-BF literally forced me to tell him the details. I asked WHY and he said because it was important for him to know. I was shaking while typing the whole story (shortened, of course) and never forgave him for demanding this from me.

 

As long as you're hiding it, it will eat you up inside and you will drown in depression and pain. Your parents WOULD want to know if they had a choice. Confront your brother and you'll feel better when you tell him that you hate his guts. You can't pretend for the rest of your life.

 

I was ready to write off my dear mom forever just so I don't have to see the step-monster anymore. I thought telling her the truth would kill her. Then my ex-husband asked me for a permission to tell her and he told her. Had he not told her, I would have lost my mom. This way, the bastard went bye-bye.

[MsScorpio]

Talk to your brother about it! Make yourself be completely honest and express your feelings to him fully, including your hatred toward him. Start from there. Tell your parents too. They must know. Go to therapy.

 

I was molested by a step-father and things became MUCH, MUCh better since I started talking about it to everyone. The pain neevr really goes away, but you learn to deal with it and put it on aside. My mom divorced him immediately after finding out.

 

I was living in constant agony while nobody knew. The first person I told was my friend who admitted she was molested once by some guy in a park when she was like 4. I told her I was molested too and for the first time, I realized that I didn't have to explain any details. The details were the ones that killed me. I didn't want to share them. I felt guilty too, although I was the victim.

 

Feel free to NOT share any details that you don't want to share. Just tell people what happened in one or two sentences and let them know that you don't want to talk about it anymore.

 

People have asked me all kinds of questions and I despise them for that. The people who really love me (my mom, dad, husband) never asked me for deatils and hubby even stated he didn't want to hear them cuz it would hurt him.

 

My ex-BF literally forced me to tell him the details. I asked WHY and he said because it was important for him to know. I was shaking while typing the whole story (shortened, of course) and never forgave him for demanding this from me.

 

As long as you're hiding it, it will eat you up inside and you will drown in depression and pain. Your parents WOULD want to know if they had a choice. Confront your brother and you'll feel better when you tell him that you hate his guts. You can't pretend for the rest of your life.

 

I was ready to write off my dear mom forever just so I don't have to see the step-monster anymore. I thought telling her the truth would kill her. Then my ex-husband asked me for a permission to tell her and he told her. Had he not told her, I would have lost my mom. This way, the bastard went bye-bye.

 

 

Ohh RP. I almost cried just reading your post. Thank you for your words of wisdom.

 

I don't have the guts to tell my parents just yet. I know I have to confront my brother one way or another. I just don't know when. I know as soon as they're back from vacation, he will be staying with us for a while. I'm really torn by this. I feel like I'd rather run away, or move in with my bf (even if I don't want to), or just move out of state. Anything to get away from him.

 

My current bf knows about this and I wish I hadn't told him. He basically said something like "well, 16 year old boys' hormones can go crazy, but I'm not saying I'm condoning him." It pissed me off because rather than trying to be more compassionate or display some empathy, he wasn't/didn't. I don't know why I'm still with him. I really regret saying it to him. But I can't take that back now.

 

It has also affected my sexual relationship with my bf, as far as being more "openminded." I do not want to be touched down there with his hands. It reminds me of unwanted/repulsive/disgusting feelings -- just by that act alone.

 

Yeah RP, this has been eating me up. I feel like, what the hell is wrong with me? How come I can't be really truly happy for once? Why is there so much anger and hatred in me? Why can't I just learn to forgive him?

[MsScorpio]

Very sticky situation to give advice on. Well here goes....

 

I think that you must sort out your feelings with a qualified therapist first so that you can work through your feelings with someone educated to do so..

 

How old are you?

 

16 year old boys are confused and a bit crazy and curious in the hormones department, but I am not in anyway saying that it is O.k. that he did that you to you. Its not! All I'm saying is that he may be embarrased and hurting inside because it haunts him that he did that to you, IF HE HAS GROWN UP AND REALIZED THAT IT WAS SO COMPLETELY WRONG.

 

I really am so sorry that you had this happen and truly hope that things work out for you.

 

See a Therapist about this.

 

Silly Rabbit

 

 

Thank you, sillyrabbit. This incident happened 15 years ago. My earliest flashback was about 7 years ago.

 

I am now considering about going to a therapist as this has been eating me up. I thought I could handle it on my own. But I can't. I've been depressed. Goes up and down. Some days/weeks, I'm fine, other times, I feel so sad, lonely, melancholic --- wishing I'd rather not exist anymore.

 

I feel like I would have a nervous breakdown any minute, or if something triggers me, whatever that may be.

 

I have a few very close friends, but even they don't know anything about it. They know everything else but this. I'm ashamed to tell them. If I can find one person, in real life, who has been in a similar predicament, at least I might be able to talk about it.

[RecordProducer]

Yeah RP, this has been eating me up. I feel like, what the hell is wrong with me? How come I can't be really truly happy for once? Why is there so much anger and hatred in me? Why can't I just learn to forgive him?

Wow! I kinda recognized myself in this too.

 

The forgiveness question... NO, you can't forgive and don't even try, you'll just tie yourself up in some false feelings that will make you feel even worse. Don't search for even more questions that you can't answer!

 

Yes, you will have to move out as soon as possible or he will have to move out. As long as you are seeing his face, you can't have peace. You will only fantasize about killing him and dream about his horrible death 24/7.

 

About the 16-year old's hormones - there are many teenagres with sisters and I don't believe that they ALL normally desire to touch them. How do you know that he hasn't done this to more girls? That he will not do it to somebody in the future? How can you know he has changed?

 

Sexual abuse is happening roughly to 1/3 of the population (it's hard to derive precise statistics). Half of the victims are female. I assume this includes rapes too.

 

My first BF was kinda friends with the step-monster and intended to work for his company and replace his position some day.

 

I think your BF just tried to console you in the wrong way. He didn't know how to handle the shock. If you want to test his feelings (and if you love him, of course), tell him how awful you feel about it and that you can't stand your brother's presence in the future. See if he will be more compassionate once he finds out how you really feel about it.

 

The phase when you face the reality of what happened is the most painful. Right now you're in that stage. For a while you will feel terrible and many things will change. But it gets easier and easier with time. Just be strong and honest with yourself (and others).

 

Be wary of possible addiction problems too. Don't try anything that might make you feel high. People with bad history tend to drink or do drugs to numb their feelings, because they can't take their intensity. But eventually you start feeling even worse than when you're sober.

[samjam]

Wow! I kinda recognized myself in this too.

About the 16-year old's hormones - there are many teenagres with sisters and I don't believe that they ALL normally desire to touch them. How do you know that he hasn't done this to more girls? That he will not do it to somebody in the future? How can you know he has changed?

 

I had a brother that was 4 years older as well. He molested 3 of my sisters as well as me. On the one hand you're right, boys do have a hormone rage at anywhere from 12 to 16 or so years old. The problem is, the normal ones do not take that out on their siblings. I am a "boy", so I know.

 

But I've noticed some other things that went with this type of character as well. He was mean to animals for no apparent reason, he had a fascination with fire, and a very low sense of self worth. I mention fires because in my experience with arsonists and pyros, many of them confessed to being sexually aroused at watching a fire that they themselves set. Some even ammitted to masterbating while they watched.

 

Statistics say that a person who molests a sibling is 85% more likely to continue his ways than an offender who molested a non-relative or stranger. So you see, you must do something.

 

I have never been able to talk to my brother about this because at the mere mention of it, he would blow up and yell about how, "We were just kids then". But ya know, it still destroyed some of the best years of my life in a way that even I wasn't aware of.

 

This is a hard way to go but I believe that some of us just have harder things to do sometimes than others. But we still owe it to any future or potential victims. You MUST stand up and be counted. I now run a website about this very thing. And, I blew the whistle on my brother. (I would never try to post a link unless I were invited to do so by the website administrater here)

 

Now I write, record and perform music for benefits, I write articles for other websites and I have music that I wrote, performed and recorded, posted for free download. I am doing all the things that my abusers told me that I could never do. Including auto mechanic, P.C. repair, upgrading and building new units, and electrician.

 

You see, this is the abusers way to keep you in their control. They blow up at the mention of the abuse then they try to turn it around on you and make it just as much your fault as theirs Then they remind you of what a loser you are and what kind of person you must be to have done this with them in the first place.

 

But somewhere along the line you have to make a stand or it will finish you. And yes, at times you will even doubt yourself. You must keep your eyes on the goal. "I want my life back!" In the end, you may be suprised at how many others you are able to help to "get their lives back".

 

"Recordproducer" sounds like someone who has had their share of trying to get their life back. Keep up the good fight.

[RecordProducer]

"Recordproducer" sounds like someone who has had their share of trying to get their life back. Keep up the good fight.

Thanks, but at what cost? I started drinking at age 16 and never stopped. I've had years when I was a total mess. I still think I am immensely - f***ed up. But I have kept my faith, hope, self-respect (gained later, rather than kept), my innocence (I know I was 100% a victim and did nothing to deserve that s***), and love for life. I think I just became tired of going through the pain with anger, rage, and hatred. I just burned all of it through years and came to reconciliation with my trauma. Also, knowing that I am not the only one helped me a lot.

 

I wonder if my husband realizes how much of my behavior (drinking and mood swings) is due to the trauma I've had as a child. I don't know if he understands my scars, and I don't want to tell him anything, because then I will sound like I am making excuses for myself.

 

Your whole post was very good, although my experience was very different from yours. I was being fooled about how great I am by the molester. :rolleyes:I don't want to discuss the details here, but if you have your private-messages option on, feel free to email me.

[Brianschick]

MsScorpio,

 

First, hugs to you for being a survivor. Please forgive the mispelling. Until I figure out how to use the spellcheck on this site I'll be known as the spelling idiot.

 

I too was molested at a very young age(3yrs old) by a family friend.

Unfortunalty, I remember quite a bit of the intimate details too. It eats me up

sometime but in a strange not wanting to acknowledge the pain way. I suffer from depression ...I imagine from the result of that incident.

I did not tell my mom until years later what this individual did to me. I think I might have been in my late twenties. Once my mom found out she stopped talking to the individual. That individual that molested me is an on again off again drug addict so I feel like she is living her own hell (yeah, I was molested by a woman).

Anyway, I say all this to say I think you should go ahead and try to start a conversation with your brother..let him know you remember and let him know your a survivor but still hurting. He may not have any answers himself. I found out (through the molester's sister) that my molester was also a victim of molestation.

Sad that the cycle tends to repeat itself. Perhaps your brother was molested too?. Doesn't make it any easier but at least begin to see the pattern and perhaps understand the vicious cycle. Strangely, I do not hate the individual...I feel badly for her..I guess I am still confused on the issue.

I wish you only the best in getting through this..it is extremely difficult. I do believe in repressed memories. Sometime remembering painful events is just way too painful for some of us. Others do not need to understand, just know that you are not alone.

 

Good luck.

[933KJL]

I am sorry about what happened to you, and I am also pretty sure your brother is sorry as well. Telling your parents and getting into a conflict with your brother at this time (15 years later) is not going to accomplish much--everyone is adults. It will only divide the family and put everyone on the offensive.

 

I am not saying it was right or nornal, but at 16--who the hell knows what goes through a boy's mind. If I had to venture a guess, he was curious and inexperienced himself and saw an "opportunity" to learn since you were close in age and perhaps even developing into a young woman yourself.

 

Are you still in touch with your brother? Do you have a way? I might suggest sending him an email or a letter and just laying it on the line. Again, I am sure at this point, he is as horrified as you and the rest of us.

 

Tell him that memories of that night have been coming back to you a lot and you wanted HIM to know how much it effected you. He can live with some guilt and he should. Listen to him, let him explain, and I think it will go a long way to you dealing with it. Again, not that it is right by any means, but would it make it more deal-able if you knew he was a bit buzzed on his first few beers, was curious about sex witih a girl and while walking past your room saw that you tossed the covers off and were half naked? Just a scenario that might go to explain it--not excuse it.

 

And finally, as everyone else has said, go see a therapist. Repression and all. Sometimes it helps to have a non-judgemental person that can talk to you and let you break down and cry.

 

Let us know how you are doing too!

[samjam]

 

I wonder if my husband realizes how much of my behavior (drinking and mood swings) is due to the trauma I've had as a child. I don't know if he understands my scars, and I don't want to tell him anything, because then I will sound like I am making excuses for myself.

 

 

Alot of times the problem is that most men have no clue about how a women functions sexually. Most have never stopped to consider a few simple signs. Why has almost no man ever asked himself why playboy sold billions and "Playgirl" had sales so low that Playboy always had to support them finacially? There's a simple answer for this. Most men are visual. They fall in love with what they "see". Most women are "audio". They fall in love with what they "hear".

 

It is a medical fact that most women "hear" better than men and most men "see" better than women. Most women have no interest in oggling naked men. But most men find it almost impossible to "not look" at a pretty girl.

 

Most men don't understand that most women would not be interested in sex, just for the sake of sex. Sometimes they think they can make you like it when they don't understand how that really happens. They don't get it.

 

Too many of them fail to realize that the only way a women could truly enjoy giving her body, is if she trusted him and felt safe. If maybe she admired this man and considered him to be a strong and honorable man. And what the heck, why don't we throw in, "if he made her feel like she was beautiful"?

 

But how can this happen when you, the women, see a weak man who is so completely given to his addiction to a womens body? So much to the point that he is willing to become even weaker if needed, in order to have that which fixates him? How could you ever trust a man like this?

 

Most men would never believe that most women can spot this "weak man" a mile away. When he shows his weakness, he then tempts her to tempt him. He is already guilty. And when she is overwhelmed by the temptation to use this weak little woodenhead, she becomes disgusted by him. The more he gives in to her, the more she begins to loathe him.

 

I believe men are to love unconditionally and women should only respond to the love which they are given. I don't believe that a women can love a man who doesn't love her. She is not wired that way. If she thinks she does loves this man who she knows does not love her, she is probably feeding an addiction. So, it is simply this: If a woman does not love a man, it is probably his own fault.

 

He thinks he has given her love when all he has really done is to feed his own addiction and cause her to resent him even more. Why is it so hard to just hold someone and let them know everything will be OK? Why can't most men love a women that much? To realize that sometimes it's not about sex? Many times a man will mistake a freindship for infidelity because he failed to realize that this woman simply needed a freind. It was not about sex!

 

When I teach the inherant differences between men and women to people whom I work with, the first thing I look for is their response to this "profound revelation". If I get the feeling that there is no respect for these boundries, I tell them not to come back and I will even talk to the police about them. This is a sign!

 

On the other hand I have seen grown men break down and cry because they never had a clue about how much they had hurt someone else. For these guys there is hope.

 

But what about people who are manipulaters and self-serving animals? Most of the time I find that in a situation where a man was willing to impose himself, use force, threats, or even cause bodily harm, there is only two things that can redeem him: Life in prison, or so much pain in his own life that he begins to decide in his own mind if he would ever want to make someone else hurt that bad again.

 

I believe that it is a MAN"S responsiblity to learn all he can about this intruiguing creature called "woman". To respect her as an equal before God and man. To have the same respect for the differences he finds in her as a equal creation. And, I highly encourage these men to TEACH THEIR SONS!

 

Most of the women's attitudes that men are experiencing today, are the direct result of fathers failing to raise their sons and those sons failing to recognise their fathers failure to do so. They in turn fail their sons.

 

Maybe ALL of the husbands of the women in this forum should read this post. Then maybe you would begin to be able to "separate the sheep from the goats" as they say. Then maybe the next time you need a freind, there will be one laying right next to you. But if any of these "husbands" are looking for sympathy they won't find it in my post.

[RecordProducer]

Samjam, I have no problem with sex. Sure I don't want it with someone I don't love or doesn't make me feel secure, but this is totally not the problem. Re-read the sentence you quoted again.

[RecordProducer]

I am sorry about what happened to you, and I am also pretty sure your brother is sorry as well. Telling your parents and getting into a conflict with your brother at this time (15 years later) is not going to accomplish much--everyone is adults. It will only divide the family and put everyone on the offensive.

I am quite sure her brother doesn't regret it one bit. When I told my molester how awful I felt and what he did to me, he told me: "So what? Big deal, your boyfriend does the same things to you!"

 

He didn't see anything wrong with that. I haven't heard of one single case where the molester felt guilty, even when they deny they did it. They think that the society is too prudish and they are liberal.

 

She needs to tell her parents, because the whole family is ruined now and the poor parents don't know why. It will come to the point where she will stop all contact with her brother and they will wonder why and insist on her reconciling with him. They will abandon her - the victim - and she will stop communication with them too.

 

I didn't want to tell my mom because I didn't want to hurt her and this was threatening to happen, although my mom and I have always been very close, until my ex-husband said I had to tell her. Things became so much better when I told her. I was saved and my relationship with her was saved. She was also safe from the bastard since she ditched him.

 

My uncle's wife was molested by her father. I am 100% sure I am right, because he tried to molest me to when I was 14. I told my dad and grandmother about it too. My aunt (his daughter) is never happy and always has to face him. She denies that he has done anything to her when my father brought it up. But I know it's true. She told me once: "You can't even imagine what terrible things happened to me." But she refused to say what.

 

She never talks to her father and at family reunions he sits on aside. When he held the toast at her wedding, she ignored him all frown and talked to someone else at the same time while he was speaking. She cries when she drinks. She has huge fights with her brother once in a while and they don't speak for 6 months.

 

Had she told her mother about what happened, he would've been out of the family or SHE would have. She would lose something financially, but she would have been HAPPY!

[HokeyReligions]

I really think you should talk to a counselor a few times so that you better understand your own feelings and are thus better 'armed' to talk with your brother, then later your parents. You will find that once you have talked to one person who is qualified to help you deal with this and gives you tools to help you, talking with others involved will be easier because you will be more confident.

 

Call up a crisis hotline and talk to someone there as your first step - they can help you and/or put you in touch with the right counselor.

 

There are lots of people who don't believe in represssion - sometimes repression is real and sometimes, depending on the person and the therapist - the memories can be manipulated or even false memories implanted.

 

My husband, who was severly abused as a child, had many repressed memories that came out after we were married that hurt us both. Once in counseling some of those memories were better understood by my husband and they were not what they appeared to be in his first rememberance.

[Quinch]

I'm very lucky because I've never had this kind of awful experience but I have been through therapy and learned a few things that might help you:

 

1) Talk to somebody. If you can't talk to a councillor then talk to a friend or someone who you can trust. Even if they can't offer solutions it will at least feel better to get all those thoughts and feelings out of your head.

 

2) Talk to your brother. He may not understand or even want to understand but he has to know how much he ruined your life. If you can't talk to him then write him a letter and don't post it.

 

3) Please don't waste the rest of your life hating him. You still have your own life to live. You don't have to forgive him but your hatred will only hurt you more than it hurts him. Hate does not overcome evil - only love can do that.

 

I wish you all the best.

[samjam]

Samjam, I have no problem with sex. Sure I don't want it with someone I don't love or doesn't make me feel secure, but this is totally not the problem. Re-read the sentence you quoted again.

 

What I was referring to, is what it seems like a lot of husbands do when it comes to things of a delicate nature such as a past history of abuse. If a person is truly your freind as a husband should be, why would you be afraid that he would think you were making excuses? Why would you not be fully confident in talking to him about ANYTHING?

 

This bothers me when I see husbands who can't handle hearing about painfull events in the life of someone they're supposed to love, much less help you work them out. As one guy I know put it: "If she needs to talk about it, I needs to listen to it." They were married for 64 years before she lost him. She said he was her best freind!

 

As far as any offender ever being sorry:(not your comment) I have ran into many of them who never had a moment that they thought they didn't deserve what they got. There are several I know who are starting an outreach to talk to people who have been involved in offending or are thinking they might one day. Sort of like AA. They prevent many offenses and they also tesify before parole boards and talk to prosecuters and law enforcement. Many times they vote to "sink" someone. And sometimes for LIFE!

 

Sadly you are right , in that most of the time they are not sorry. Or if they are, it's only because they got caught and now they are paying for what they did. What about how much YOU payed for what they did?