notreallyhere Posted June 1, 2006 Share Posted June 1, 2006 Here's the situation... I was with the same guy since I was 20 years old. He moved in with me one month after we started dating (he's a musician and a musician without a girlfriend is homeless). He was supposed to be a "fling" for me (since I'd never had one) before I moved away to pursue a lofty dream of becoming a stand-up comic. I worked at a record store and he was living with me in my mom's house and, as a child of enabler/alcoholic parents, I just couldn't leave him in a lurch like that. So, I carried on and on day after day working and finding the good in things. After just over 6 years of dating he asked me to marry him. I agreed, since we'd become so used to the situation and we really loved each other. About 6 months after that, I found out that he had bounced several checks in his account and maxed out my credit card I'd given him (in case of emergency) on phone sex (over $4000 in about 2 months... that's just what I found out about... there was probably more). I wanted to call off the wedding, but he made me feel so guilty about his family and his position that I agreed to go ahead with it. In return, he went to therapy and made some great progress. We were married in Vegas, and got in a terrible fight the night after we were married to the point I regretted marrying him. We got over it, but it still felt like a shaky foundation for the following year. Then habit came back in to play, and I got a great job that I love. He was working too, but was fired about 6 months after our wedding. He then decided to focus on his music again and only work part time. I was forced to work 2 jobs to support us. Ever the martyr, I did what had to be done and tried not to freak out from lack of sleep and being over worked. We made it through. He finished his 2nd album and got a full time position making comparable money to what I was making. Great, right? No. I made an amazing discovery in the last 6 months. My boss, in conversation, asked if there was ever a dream that I had that I felt I'd never been able to fulfill. I told her about wanting to move away and becoming a stand-up comic all those years ago. As a gift, she enrolled me in a class at a comedy club that is supposed to help you get over the fear of being on stage. It turns out, I didn't need it. Long story short, I've had an average of 3 gigs a week since I first stepped on stage. I was immediately hired at a local club as an MC and have since begun booking my own gigs with other comedians. Great for me... death for my marriage. Between his jealousy of my success in such a short amount of time (vs. his very LONG amount of time being a musician), the manic lifestyle of a stand-up comic (long night hours, networking afterwards, and then going to work the next morning) and the new outlook on life I've obtained, I don't want to be with him anymore. Since I've started I've lost 30 pounds and made more friends than I've ever had in my life. I am enjoying it to the point where I don't want to go home anymore. Doing this has made me realize that I make my own destiny and can do anything I want... except I have to ask for someone else's permission all the time. It's not that he's a Nazi about it, it's just the usual "where are you going and who are you going with" stuff I can't take anymore. I've come to realize that I don't want to be responsible for anyone else right now but me. This is my dream and, suddenly, I want my life to myself. We've lived together now for almost 10 years. Before that, I was with my high school sweetheart for 4 years. The bottom line: I want to be free of any man and focus on me. I've always had to take care of someone and I just don't want to anymore. I've only been with 2 guys and I wouldn't really call it dating as much as dates that didn't end. I want to go out in the world, make my own life decisions and see what it's like to be an independent person. It's also a male dominated forum, and I have to use my flirtatious wit as well as a "tough girl act" that will keep them at bay. I'm almost 30, I weigh what I want, I look good (I've never thought that before) and everything is new... except him. I've never been so happy, and he's just as grumpy and annoying as he's always been, but because my life is going so well, his little annoyances tend to grate on my nerves worse now. I've talked to him about it. He thinks it's just a phase that will wear off. I disagree. This is my dream. I'm actually living it and he's in just in the way of it. I'm rarely home, and when I am, we just argue about me not being home... or just being tired and wanting to rest when I get there. I think we should separate to see if this is just a phase or if I'm really going through a pivotal life change. Am I a bad and selfish person? What do you think? PLEASE HELP! Link to post Share on other sites
tikigods Posted June 1, 2006 Share Posted June 1, 2006 Sounds to me that he is an extreme selfish preson that uses his poor situation in life to make you bend over backwards for him so that he can do what he wants while you struggle to get by. You said in the begining that from the get go you didn't want to marry him and he guilted you into it, this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship and now that you have the strenght and courage to know that you don't have to put up with it anymore, I think its time for you to put this new found confidence in action and dump this baggage to the curb and focus on what makes YOU happy. In the end a person that loves you will want you to be happy and not sulk like it sounds like he is. Its time to take care of you and not someone else Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted June 2, 2006 Share Posted June 2, 2006 He is jealous of your success and happiness. I could find many reasons to feel sorry for him, but you have a right to live your life the way you want to. You're still very young and if you feel that he is not the right person, and especially if you don't have children, you don't need to be with him. You only have one life - live it to the fullest! You can try to separate and see how things go. Just know that after separation, things become different, not to mention that it usually ends up with having sex with someone else... In any case, you choose your own paths and you sound like you've made up your mind. Congratulations on your success! You must be very talented. So I would like to ask you this: how did you make it? Did you find a manager or did you just talk to the club owners about gigs? How did your husband start making money from music after his 2nd album? What exactly did he work as? I am just being curious as I am a composer myself and just moved to the US 4 months ago. I am exploring ways to pursue my career here... Link to post Share on other sites
Author notreallyhere Posted June 2, 2006 Author Share Posted June 2, 2006 He is jealous of your success and happiness. I could find many reasons to feel sorry for him, but you have a right to live your life the way you want to. You're still very young and if you feel that he is not the right person, and especially if you don't have children, you don't need to be with him. You only have one life - live it to the fullest! You can try to separate and see how things go. Just know that after separation, things become different, not to mention that it usually ends up with having sex with someone else... In any case, you choose your own paths and you sound like you've made up your mind. Congratulations on your success! You must be very talented. So I would like to ask you this: how did you make it? Did you find a manager or did you just talk to the club owners about gigs? It was surprising how fast it all happened. I did two open mics and was approached by the owner of one and asked if I would like to become a permanent MC at the club. There has been some ups and downs, but I've never felt that it hasn't been worth it. It seems to help to make friends and network that those you feel are talented. Many of the gigs I've gotten are from word-of-mouth. I do a show with one guy, another guy hires him and asks if they know of anyone else... and my name comes up. As far as booking goes, that was even more of a fluke... I just randomly e-mail venues that have live music and ask if they'd be interested in live stand-up comedy. Poof! How did your husband start making money from music after his 2nd album? What exactly did he work as? I am just being curious as I am a composer myself and just moved to the US 4 months ago. I am exploring ways to pursue my career here... He got a full time job as a medical billing specialist. He has made very little money from being a musician. It doesn't help the "jealous factor" when I come home with $150 for 10 minutes at a gig after (in the past) he would do 3 gigs in a weekend and was lucky to see $150 for all three. Before the medical billing, he worked at a music store, a record store, a kitchen appliance store and a comic book store... retail. Very little money, but flexible hours help with gigs. Thanks for the input and GOOD LUCK! Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted June 3, 2006 Share Posted June 3, 2006 Wow, your career development sounds very exciting. I hope you continue to climb and perhaps we'll see you on TV some day? You sound really taelnted so strive to reach your maximum! Do you write your own jokes/stories? Link to post Share on other sites
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