Rebuilding Trust

[trevty]

[sIZE=2]My wife and I have been together for over 5 years. We have a mixed family with 5 children (18 & 13 mine 12, 11, and 8 hers). We own our own business and are doing well with that. We have a new house and our children are all healthy, honor roll students who don’t go without anything.

In January while working at one of the dealerships we do business with (we do scratch and chip repair) it started to get late and we needed to get the kids off the buses. My wife left and I stayed to do the rest of the cars. My wife thought I should have been done and called to check on me. I told her I was running late and had been talking with the owner. She called the dealership and asked someone if I was there. They said I had been gone a while. I wasn’t! I was still there! When I got home she told me that she had checked on me and that I was lying! I said I was there and I can’t account for why they said I was already gone. To make things worse, the slips we turned in said I turn them much earlier then I said, but I have to go to two places to turn them in and I spent too much time chatting with people. She would not believe me and instead of fixing it then, we let it go (but she really didn’t).

In March after we had finished working I said I was going to visit one of our friends at another dealership while my wife went shopping. I went to see our friend and he was very busy. His boss was gone and he was alone running the dealership. He asked if I would cash a check at the bank for him so he would cash for lunch and stuff, I said sure and headed for the bank. When I returned to his office, my wife was sitting there waiting for me. She ask where I had been and I told her to which she said YOURE LYING! We left our friend who watched this happen and went home to continue the talk. As with the last time I insisted that she believe me while she insisted that I was lying and once again instead of talking through it and making sure we were ok, we left it and kept going (but once again, She didn’t)

Last Friday my wife confronted me about my cell phone bill and why I had deleted the number (many times over) of a guy she had known since middle school. I explained that he wanted us to fix his truck, which I told her already had stuff we could not do. She said if you can’t fix it why are you calling him and he calling you. I said that he still wanted us to fix it as best as we could and that we had been playing phone tag trying to get it set up. She said you have called him or been called 53 times in three months. I really had no idea that it was that many times since we had spoken either side of 12 times in those three months. The problem really got worse when I told that the last few times were that he was asking about flies to use while fly fishing ( different flies for each time a new breed hatches). That was not what she wanted to hear and really thought I am buying pot behind her back. I have explained it over and over, but she insists that I am lying and she doesn’t know if she will ever trust me again.

We are now sleeping in different rooms each night, she doesn’t work much with me anymore (since January), and we have been spent much time together since Friday. She says that she loves me and is very upset that I lied. She spoke with attorney last week before she confronted me and they said to pack her stuff and run before I take her down with me. Because this guy may be being watched and if he gets busted and they find my number in his phone they will take everything we have (home, business and so on). She has also been talking with a friend who seems levelheaded and I am ok with that if it helps her.

I realize that I made a big mistake by deleting this guys number and not telling her about what I had been trying to, but I really only cared about getting work, that’s it! Since I was not getting pot, I didn’t even give that a thought. I love this women with all my heart and had never really been in love before her. Now I can’t imagine life without her. She is a wonderful mother, my best friend, and God I hope she will forgive me!

I am looking for any helpful ideas or comments,

Thank You,

Trevty

[/sIZE]

[trevty]

Hasn't anyone else been here? It really is an awful place to be with the one you love. It has just been another night of getting sick and not sleeping. None of the children know, but all 5 will be with us this weekend and not sleeping together is going to get their attention.

 

Please someone help. Even if you could just say anything, watching this post since last night and not one reply????

[Guest]

trust is imortant

[trevty]

Thank you for replying. I am really hoping for some insight as to how to move forward together. My wife again said last night that she loves me very much, but has a problem with trust once it is broken. How do I let her know that she can trust? She can't get past these 3 events, 2 of which I did nothing wrong.

 

I can't imagine what will happen if she can not get past this! 39 years on this earth and to only have ever truely loved this women and no other, and then maybe lose her over this, I can't figure it out and she can't either.

 

Thanks again,

 

Trevty

[tikigods]

Heres a short answer. ITs your wifes problem not yours that she feels the need to accuse you of cheating and the like when it sounds like all you are doing is working. If you are working and you did the things you did like you said in this post then your wife has some issues that she needs to resolve

[trevty]

Let me say that cheating is not part of this at all. I am not and she is not saying that I am. From what we have talked about it is everything to do with her feeling like I am hiding something. Now that the distrust is in place for her, she does not know how to find me trustworthy again.

 

Any other thoughts are welcome. I would love to hear from anyone who has been in this situation themselves. Maybe your experiences will help us to move forward with our lives.

 

Thanks again,

 

Trevty

[Chump64]

I have several thoughts rolling around in my head. Has your wife been cheated on by a past partner? She seems hyper sensitive. Do you have a history of infidelity in past relationships? If so, she may be recalling that and connecting it to your current situation ("if he cheated on wife #1, he will cheat on me" kind of thinking).

 

I also think it's odd that she is talking to a "friend" about this. Is it a male friend? Very dangerous. Slippery slope, and all that.

 

And 53 calls to someone whose number you deleted? I know it's a male friend of yours, but if you were my spouse I'd probably be wondering if maybe you have a male-male inappropriate relationship going on (no offense).

 

Finally, her hypersensitivity could be a sign that SHE is having an affair. It's a common behavior of cheating partners to accuse the other partner of stepping out. Do a google search on "signs of infidelity" and see if she is showing any of the other signs.

 

As far as rebuilding trust, just take it day by day. Be accountable to her. Offer to call her and give her your whereabouts when you are not with her. Don't delete any cell phone numbers. Give her your cell phone and email passwords if that will make her feel better. Show her you have nothing to hide, basically.

 

My husband and I are trying to recover from his 10-year affair. These are some of the small things he does to try to rebuild trust. I don't know if it will work, but time will tell.

[whichwayisup]

Or is YOUR wife cheating and it's her guilt and not trusting herself now, she's reflecting on you? Just something to consider.

 

What you've described, how she's reacting, is abit nutty.

 

As far as rebuilding trust, just take it day by day. Be accountable to her. Offer to call her and give her your whereabouts when you are not with her. Don't delete any cell phone numbers. Give her your cell phone and email passwords if that will make her feel better. Show her you have nothing to hide, basically

 

I agree 100%. You have nothing to hide, so give her access to whatever it is she wants. Though, with that being said, she has to do the same thing for you.

 

I don't mean to put scary thoughts in your head, but reading what you wrote, it's all misunderstandings. She's assuming ALOT of stuff that didn't happen.

 

Some marriage counselling could help you two alot. Learn how to talk openly, have talks without feeling like you're doing something you're not doing, and listen to eachother. That is the key of a good marriage. Communication, empathy and listening.

[trevty]

As for Chump64's comments. Thanks for all you wrote. I do need to say that this guy is just someone we know, he is not a friend. From my perspective this was never about anything other then getting some extra work. As for the male-male thing, I don't have any problems with people being gay. Everyone should find happiness, but a gay lifestyle is not for me!

 

We have always had a great talking relationship until January when this all started. I should have seen it then, but chose to keep going as if it had passed by and before you know it, here we are!

 

There is no way that my wife is having an affair. The friend she is talking to is a women and as with me, my wife has no interest in a gay relationship. It is not in her to be that way at all. She is all about truth, which is why I wrote this to begin with. I have read many of the threads here and affairs seem to be a part of alot of the topics, but not this one!

 

We are taking things day by day and I am trying to be very understanding and respectful of her space and her need to work thru this. I have been a mess since last Friday, can't keep food down, crying alot, and other then last night, next to no sleep because of horrible dreams of losing my wife and our life together. I am trying to be strong around her, our family and friends, but caring this much about someone and not having anyone to talk to about this has been a huge weight on my shoulders.

 

She has all of the password info I have and we share our cell phone plan. Maybe you are right about counselling, but we both have been in the past before we were married and don't like the you talk and I will say it back to you in a different way thing that they do.

 

I wish we could just go away together and find the passion we so deeply loved about ourslves before. I really want to be her everything again. She is the one I spent all my life looking for. Has helped me face many demons from my past and be able to overcome them. Is an incredible mother to all 5 of our children and the lover every man hopes for in the women he loves.

 

Whichwayisup, thank you too. I really do appreciate all that both of you have written.

 

Trevty

[jonesgirly]

trevty..My first thoughts were exactly those of Chump and WWIU, and you've answered them.

 

I dunno...your wife seems super diddly dooper extra suspicious of you, and I cannot imagine 'why.' You say neither of you have cheated. Okay, thats eliminated. Is she extra insecure about herself? Sometimes, when a person feels insecure, they project that feeling into an 'I'm not worthy'-type thought process, which just continues the downward spiral.

 

I'd give my right arm for a guy like you. Someone who is extra-sensitive to the needs of their spouse. Kudos there for you.

 

When I try to imagine how your wife must be feeling, I guess the only thing I can think of that I would like to hear would be something like this:

 

"You are the love of my life. I would never, ever endanger our relationship by having an affair. I do not feel the need to lie to you about anything I do, so I don't. There is no other woman in the world I'd rather be with than you, and that will never change. Sure, there's those boobs and nice booty's, but none of it (and they are only 'its') compares to the package I have with you. I will always be there for you, no matter what. I will never leave you, unless you ask me to. I have given you my heart, and there's no returns or exchanges with that, and I will remain with you always."

 

Mushy? yep, and geez would that be great to hear. But the most important part of speaking those types of words is that they must come from your heart........you must mean them. Women have a tendency to be very perceptive of fakeness. (no assumption that you'd be faking it).

 

You should be understanding of her, at least in a 'reasonable' way. Maybe counseling would be helpful in that a professional may be able to 'point out' her unreasonableness and irrational thoughts.

 

At the same time, I keep having this nagging voice saying: "Why all of a sudden?"

 

Trevty...you seem like a very sensitive guy, and I wish you well. I'd give anything to have a spouse so 'in tune' to the emotional aspects of our relationship.

[Becoming]

Something's up with your wife. This sounds like a leftover betrayal that she's trying to work out and you're an innocent bystander. Try asking her to talk about other times her trust has been betrayed and reassure her over and over you're not going to do that. Offer to let your life be an open book to her if that's what she needs. Has another friend had a H cheat?

 

Yeah to you for your patience with her!

[whichwayisup]

I agree, something is going on inside her head. If she isn't cheating, she's doing something that is making her take it out on you. Maybe her own midlife crisis or something??

 

How is she in general? Moody, pms swings? Is she depressed or down about something? Stressed?

 

I just ask this because from what you said, there really is no reason for her anger at you and for her to mistrust you. She is overreacting.

 

Keep posting and I hope things go well this weekend at home.

[Chump64]

There is no way that my wife is having an affair.

 

 

I would have said too, until I found out. Not to scare you or freak you out, but keep your ear to the ground and your eyes open. People can and will surprise the crap out of you.

[trevty]

Thank you all. I am not an angel by any means. I am just a man who has many faults. I lack the ability to moderate myself when I am doing things like playing cards which has been a sore spot in the past. Never in the sence that I gamble outside of our means, but if I would be lucky enough to go up I can't just quit and walk away. So part of what has bothered her is lack of moderation. I have not gamble since Febuary and Had desised then that I should quit while I am ahead. But there have been times in the past that I have won and told her and then blew it trying to get more, which she hated. She says that I have an I'll just do it and if I get caught I will deal with it then and I guess she is right. The cell phone calls that started this is the example she brought up.

 

What I have come to realize tonight is that she may never fully believe me about these topics and I will have to deal with that. I can not stress enough that is NOT about either of us cheating. From our talk tonight I can see that between the lying I did to my ex-wife when my wife and I started out and these topics, she feels that I have the ability to lie or just not say something to her about any given subject.

 

It is all just very frustrating and I hope we find a way to make it all work.

 

Thanks for the comments and all your help,

 

Trevty

[misspope]

You said this is not a cheating situation, did you in the past? If you say no, never, then I say she has some security issues, if you say yes, then I say she was looking for something and when infidelity occurs we trust but it never goes away, so small inconsitencies in ones day can seem like a major situation.

I will apologize in advance if the answer was never.

[trevty]

Some of your replies are right in that earlier issues in our relationship and with my ex-wife are playing a part in her mindset now. Let me explain.

 

Our relationship started when my wife and I were neighbors. You could look out my front window across the street to the dining room of her house. She was friendly with my ex-wife and our kids all played together. Our relationship started with an affair. Sneaking around and all that goes with it. The difference between us is that when it came down to being honest with our ex's, she was and I was not. I lied alot during this time!

 

Sometimes it was just easier to lie to keep things calm at the moment. That never lasted and as my wife has said, it led to the inconsistansies that some of you have mentioned. This a deep rooted issue for me that goes as far back in my childhood. I was adopted at birth. Had my first father abandon my mother and I at 3. My mother second husband adopted me at 9 and months later they had my sister and my grandfather (very special person to me) died. At 10 I was lonely, betrayed, in councelling, and learned that lying kept me from getting beat by my father for the smallest of transgrestions. At 11 my councelor told my parents that sending me to a boys home for a while would help me. I was an anger boy. At 12 my parents placed in a institution for trouble boys and halfway house for boys getting out of youth jail. I spent 3 years at this hellhole of a place. My first day there I was group beaten as a welcoming to my new home, while watching my parents drive away in their car (they never looked back)! Not only did this happen regularly until I learned to beat them back, I was molested by a staff member and shared my room with an older boy who had beaten his family to death in there sleep ( I never really had a night of deep sleep in these 3 years).

 

Lying at that point in my life sometimes ment the difference between making thru a day ok and getting beaten to a pulp. My parents were forced by the state to take me back at 15. Not before we went to many meetings where I got to hear my parents say they did not want me back. I never really learned love, trust, or self respect at a time when it was most important. I went thru the next 10 plus years of just being and trying to find my way. I met my first wife in college and since she showed me signs of love and caring, I thought this was love, IT WAS NOT! She would hide money, spend more then I could earn, and messed with me emotionally about my sexual desires. Once again making it very easy for me to take the easy road by watching out for me and being deceatful when I felt the need to.

 

This is alot to throw out, but I think it helps to give you a better understanding of who I am and how I have helped this process get to this point.

 

I want it to be known that my wife is truely the only person in my life that has given me the opportunity share all of these issues and most of them are unknown to anyone else in my life.

 

She did watch me go thru the lying with my ex and in some cases it was easier to just not talk about the crap my ex was pulling. There were times thru this part of our relationship that I was not always fully honest with ANYONE. The inconsistencies are part of the problem. She said that last night. We have spent the last 36 hours talking more deeply then we have in quite a while. I hope this is a first step.

 

I said in my last reply, I will have to deal with the fact that she may never believe that I am telling her the truth, but each of us will have to take our own responsibilies for that and work to make US stronger.

 

I live an enpowered life now (since we have been together) and the liberation of sharing these deep rooted issues with my wife over the years and her support in return has given me the opportunity to love myself (wow! I can't believe I said that). Love is a hard road, but I wish everyone had a chance to experince it as I have with my wife. If I didn't have TRUE love with this women, I could never have been able to finally find the self-freedom she has helped me have in my life.

 

Have a great day,

 

Trevty

[trevty]

Was that too much sharing for this forum?

[Mz. Pixie]

Well that makes more sense then.

 

You've lied to her in the past- so she thinks you'll continue to lie.

[trevty]

Mz. Pixie, can you tell me more about what you mean?

[trevty]

It was really hard for me to post my life story yesterday, but I was really hoping it would clear the way for some good advise and insight. Please take the time to post your thoughts, good or bad. This has been a very helpful tool for me in dealing with this.

 

Thanks to all that have shared their two cents,

 

Trevty

[jonesgirly]

Holy god, I get where the lack of trust may come into play. Rarely do affairs that turn-into-marriages work out without any speedbumps. She's perfectly aware of your ability to lie to your ex-wife, and here she is, your 'new wife.' Throw in a seriously dysfunctional childhood, and wham...... she's gonna have a tough time trusting that what you say is 'real'.

 

I dunno........and I SERIOUSLY hate to say this, but MC with an excellent therapist trained in the effects of childhood 'abusive' treatment and the abilities learned when lying becomes a means of 'survival', may be what you need. A safe place for your wife to voice her concerns, with a trained therapist pointing out either YOUR inconsistencies, or HER unreasonable worries may be exactly what both of you need.

[Love Hurts]

This is sad. She is suspicious. Now she feels in her mind she has found all the evidence she needs to not trust you.

 

It's guilty until proven innocent. Tough one..... to get around.

One of the most difficult things is to plea innocent and not be believed.

 

I doubt you will ever convince her of anything more...... If she has spoken to a lawyer and sleeping another room................. you may as well have bought the pot.

 

She has you guilty of it.

 

Your in nomans land with her. You have to walk through the storm and see how far she goes. Once you have spoken your peace and she can not believe.

 

This is on a down hill slide from here.

I wish I had something more positive to say....

Unfortunately it looks grim.

You have my sympathy.

[trevty]

Love hurts, I truely hope you are completely wrong!

 

We have just gotten done with the hardest conversation we have ever had. She is so hurt by me and I hate myself for the heartache I have caused. Although she has made me a better person thru her unbelievable inner beauty and strenght, she feels like this has rob her of being her. She said tonight that for the first time in her life she does not have an anwser for the feelings of sorrow and distrust and wonders if she will ever trust ANYONE again because of ME! I can't put into words how udderly discusted I feel towards myself. I am calling my old counselor tommorrow to find out if this is something he or a referred counselor can do help.

 

She means more to me then anyone ever has and to know that I have stolen her trust and hurt her so very badly is unbearable. I can blame all of my past on the problems, but it doesn't change the now. I would give everything to undo this. All she wants is to find a way to start over, but neither of us can figure out how to start! She deserves evrything she wants in life and all she really wants right now is to feel normal again and be able to trust. I feel so empty!

 

How do I help her when I am the reason? It is easy to say take it a day at a time, but I want her hurting to stop now! I promise seems so shallow right now. She says that she loves me and resents me at the same time. How do you fix that???? I want to reach out to her and be the man she wants me to be, but right now it doesn't seem like it can be.

 

We just talked again while I have been righting this and it is clear she is going to need time away from me. I am going to see if friends will let me stay with them for a while and give her the room she needs to find herslef again. I am going to use this time to get some help with my issues and work to be an honest man desiring of the love she so wants to give again.

 

This a scary time for both of us and I can only hope not the begining of the end! Words cant not express how much she means and I wish I had been able to be a better person and not put my families wellbeing in jepordy of going thru another mess like this.

 

I will try to get back on and see what has been said. You have all been so helpful and I hope you will still post since my wife will also look to see what everyone is saying. Speak your minds and hopefully we both will find the help we need thru your words and God's help.

 

Good night and God bless,

 

Trevty

[Mz. Pixie]

We just talked again while I have been righting this and it is clear she is going to need time away from me. I am going to see if friends will let me stay with them for a while and give her the room she needs to find herslef again. I am going to use this time to get some help with my issues and work to be an honest man desiring of the love she so wants to give again.

 

 

Okay, I'm going to be frank here. Hope you can respect that and you can listen to me or not- makes no difference to me.

 

Unless you've had a pattern of constantly lying to her and getting caught in it- doing drugs, gambling etc. I just cannot see why this is causing this much trouble.

 

IMO- neither of you should trust the other in the first place. She was also a cheating spouse. Both of you were. You know the saying "If they will cheat WITH you, they will cheat ON you?"

 

Usually when a woman requests "time" from her spouse, it means she's already emotionally separated from him- and is perhaps seeing someone else. If you search these boards you'll find VERY FEW people who have separated where the person insisting upon the separation hasn't either been seeing someone or started seeing someone VERY SOON after they moved out.

 

Women usually find something to place the blame on in the relationship and there is alot of talk about how the man has "hurt her" and "ruined her trust". That's fogtalk- because the only way they can justify their actions is to say all this kind of stuff. It's also easy for her to twist this into you doing something because of your past- because you're already sensitive about it.

 

Think about when she separated from her husband that she cheated on with you. What did she tell him??

 

If she was so concerned with your lying- she would perhaps be insisting upon counseling or begging you to get help. Has she done that in the past??? Not according to your posts.

 

There are several posters on the separation/divorce forum who have been in your spot and discovered the Other Man. BKZ is one- as well as MLChris-

you could also research DevilDog and Massive Atom's post from far back for some good reading on the subject.

 

I know you do not want to believe this is happening and will deny it to the cows come home, but if I were a betting person- and apparently you are- I'd place my bets on something else going on here.

 

Yeah, you can't use your past to turn you into a liar and a jerk- no matter what. I had a horrible childhood and I've always tried to rise above that. You need individual counseling for that of course and you need to get it- whether or not she's cheating. For you.

[whichwayisup]

We have just gotten done with the hardest conversation we have ever had. She is so hurt by me and I hate myself for the heartache I have caused. Although she has made me a better person thru her unbelievable inner beauty and strenght, she feels like this has rob her of being her. She said tonight that for the first time in her life she does not have an anwser for the feelings of sorrow and distrust and wonders if she will ever trust ANYONE again because of ME! I can't put into words how udderly discusted I feel towards myself. I am calling my old counselor tommorrow to find out if this is something he or a referred counselor can do help.

 

She now has to make the choice to WANT to fix things. TO learn how to trust you again and have faith in you. If she isn't willing to try and get past things then the marriage is doomed. You can't do all the work here, she has to be as willing as you are to work it all out. And you can't go around beating yourself up 24/7 either. You have to forgive yourself as well.

 

She means more to me then anyone ever has and to know that I have stolen her trust and hurt her so very badly is unbearable. I can blame all of my past on the problems, but it doesn't change the now. I would give everything to undo this. All she wants is to find a way to start over, but neither of us can figure out how to start! She deserves evrything she wants in life and all she really wants right now is to feel normal again and be able to trust. I feel so empty!

 

Then go to marriage counselling together. That is the first step, getting help. If this is something BOTH of you really want, then do it. Don't let fears of fights, disappointments, and emotions get in the way. You two make a goal to get things good again and stick to it.

 

How do I help her when I am the reason? It is easy to say take it a day at a time, but I want her hurting to stop now! I promise seems so shallow right now. She says that she loves me and resents me at the same time. How do you fix that???? I want to reach out to her and be the man she wants me to be, but right now it doesn't seem like it can be.

 

Maybe she, just as you, need individual counselling. Whatever feelings of resentment and mistrust she has, has to be dealt with and put away. Not forgotten, but accepted enough so she can move on past it all and LEARN how to trust again and be happy.

 

I know you love her and don't want to her hurt. By talking about it is one thing, DOING is another. So, show her not only in words - But in action. Make a huge effort to BE more loving and giving. Make an effort to be intouch with her, more considerate of your comings and goings. Make yourself available to her by phone 24/7 so she feels more secure about you and where the marriage is heading. Hope this makes sense to you...

 

We just talked again while I have been righting this and it is clear she is going to need time away from me. I am going to see if friends will let me stay with them for a while and give her the room she needs to find herslef again. I am going to use this time to get some help with my issues and work to be an honest man desiring of the love she so wants to give again.

 

I hope that she does take this time to honestly figure things out. As long as her needing alone time is a positive thing and not a reason to walk out and end things, then let her have some space.

 

This a scary time for both of us and I can only hope not the begining of the end! Words cant not express how much she means and I wish I had been able to be a better person and not put my families wellbeing in jepordy of going thru another mess like this.

 

Don't think negative thoughts right now. It's not going to do you any good to worry about other people. Right now all that counts is your wife and yourself. NOONE ELSE. Your inlaws/family/friends are not IN your marriage. Your wife is.

 

I will try to get back on and see what has been said. You have all been so helpful and I hope you will still post since my wife will also look to see what everyone is saying. Speak your minds and hopefully we both will find the help we need thru your words and God's help.

 

I hope your wife sees how much you love her and are willing to do all that it takes to work things out. The fact you've posted on a forum, reaching out for help is HUGE and she should notice that it wasn't easy for you to do. Many men don't do stuff like this, ask for help - So Mrs T if you're reading, please give him another chance. He's sincere.