Author trevty Posted June 7, 2006 Author Share Posted June 7, 2006 Thank you Whichwayisup. That was an awesome post! After a really long and little sleep night yesterday, we spent alot of time talking about how we got to this point. My wife had no idea that a letter she had written about us and some of things that we were doing during our affair at the begining was a real sore spot with me. She wrote this letter then and it got from there to a another neighbor who was in the middle of the friend circle at the time. My problem with it has always been the many different stories of how it got in her hands and much like my wife with the incidents that started this thread to begin with, I have never been able to put a black and white anwser to this issue! I also was able to set up my first visit with my old councellor to finally have someone to sit down and talk to about this. Huge steps! Yesterday, after some serious thinking and reading Whichwayisup's post, my wife told me not to go, and that we need to find a way to be strong and work this out! No matter what, we will make it! Everything I have written here is just how I feel about her! Alll that has been post here has made a big difference in where we are this morning, good or bad, all your comments have made a difference. Keep them coming, we are not done yet! Trevty Link to post Share on other sites
Becoming Posted June 7, 2006 Share Posted June 7, 2006 trevty--One of the things it seems to me that you do have going for you now is a degree of emotional honesty. Why don't you and W check out http://www.marriagebuilders.com and work through the site together. It's really good stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
Author trevty Posted June 8, 2006 Author Share Posted June 8, 2006 Good morning all, An update for those who have followed and helped. Went to my councellor yesterday. We spoke in detail about both this issue and the ones I wrote about that I feel aided in my ability to put our relationship in this posistion. It was wonderful to finally have someone to talk to, I am not diminishing all you guys, thank God for all you have contributed (Whichwayisup, thank you from the bottom of my heart). My councellor said that he felt that if we are both on the same page as far as making this work then we should be starting a new begining and not think of it as start over! He also told me to stop trying to tell my wife that I am going to be trustworthy and just be trustworthy. He understood that the lying I did thru my divorce and our courtship no doubt has scared my wife's thoughts of trust in me. He had a degree of difficulty in understanding the process of how we got this point since we had done so well with our children and day to day lives, but when I explained that it was not the three issues that started this process, but the lies from the past it became more clear. He asked if we would both come back to see him next week and we are going Thursday. After my visit my wife and I had Date Night and went to dinner and really talked. What she told me will forever stick with me. Her fears and distrust not only came from the issues listed, but listening to me lie to others in our day to day life and not even realizing that I was lying until later. This really scared her since she felt that if I could lie like that to others, why couldn't I be doing it to her. It is hard to come to terms with the fact that I have been such an immature child as far as hiding from my fears and letting lies be such a huge part of how I deal with people vs. just being the man I have always wanted to be and TELL THE TRUTH!!! It will not be an easy road for me to snap my fingers and become something I have never been in my life, but more then anything, I owe MYSELF this first before anyone else. "The truth will set you free" this is one of those statements that we all here, but until a few days ago I had no idea much it would become a part of what I am becoming. There is a part of me that sees this as a birth of a new life for me. I understand that I will have to change many things about me to make this happen. Things like taking a second when I am scared of an outcome and reminding myself to be truthful when I would have just been a liar in the past. I have so much to be thankful for in life. More then anything I am thankful for the opportunity to share a new life with this beautiful women. I am not saying that everything is fixed and here we go but for the first time in awhile I dont feel like a "one legged man in an asskicking contest"! I think this experience has given my wife and I an opportunity to look deeper into ourselves then we have ever before. I trust in her more then she may ever know, but more then that, I can feel in me trust for myself which an emotion that has been void to me forever! Liberation and love, honesty and respect, self-worth and manhood, and more then anything else...Dignity and honor! During my training to become a manager years ago, my teacher gave me a list and told me to ask these five questions of myself each day to stay focused and excel: Love most Want most Deserve most Need most Desire most I will ask those things of my life each day from now on with a different intent, to give myself and the ones I love all I have to offer! Again I thank all of you for your comments, good and bad, you have made an unbelievable difference in this process, Trevty Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted June 8, 2006 Share Posted June 8, 2006 That's great news! What kills me the most about this though is why are you held to a certain level of honesty and she's not?? Both of you did what you did earlier in the relationship- so why is it now that that makes you less trustworthy than she is?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author trevty Posted June 8, 2006 Author Share Posted June 8, 2006 Because I was the one doing all the lying and not saying things, she went at her issues head on and truthfully with her ex and me. None of that part of our lives was easy for anyone involved, but she did her best to take on the hard subjects that came at her while I ran from mine. Hope I anwsered your question, Trevty Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 8, 2006 Share Posted June 8, 2006 I'm happy for you. Things will work out as long as it's something you both want and work at! Thanks for the compliment! I'm glad my advice got through to you! Though, us helping you was the first step and we can only offer so much - A therapist is trained and has better background to help you both even more. Keep updating on occasion so we know how things are going! Link to post Share on other sites
Shell Girl Posted June 11, 2006 Share Posted June 11, 2006 I'm going through a difficult time in my marriage regarding trust issues...due to drug use, not infidelity....I have to say that you seem like you really want your life to be a positive one, and are working in that direction. I agree though with the other posts, it seems like a lot of blame has been put on you, for nothing! I can't imagine how horrible your childhood was...I'm sure that will take years to work through. I'm not sure I would trust counseling. My psychiatrist told me to go to Borders to talk to people. He is of the belief that everything is due to chemical imbalances. Speaking of which, your wife seems like a bit of a bitch. She may be suffering from depression herself. I have the same bitch propensity, so you may want to consider getting her on Zoloft or some other anti-depressant. It helped stablize my radical mood swings. You both have been under tremendous pressures...divorce, marriage, self employeed, step families...good God, who wouldn't be going crazy? I worked with my spouse for nearly 10 years and I can tell you it is not the path to a successful relationship. I harbor deep resentment and bitterness towards my husband due to the way he he emotionally left me holding the bag financially and businesswise for years. If I were you, I'd employ someone to take her place, and let her get her own job. It will produce a healthier relationship. As for your childhood, nothing can change it. As horrible as it was, you obviously made it out as a successful and loving adult. The only thing you can do to rectify it, is to love your children and to provide them with the emotional stability they deserve. Meditation may help as well (don't knock it before you try it -- I use it to work out a lot of my anger issues). Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author trevty Posted June 11, 2006 Author Share Posted June 11, 2006 Thanks Shell Girl, Hope things work out for you too. Trevty Link to post Share on other sites
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