What would you do???

[Jewel64]

Brief marriage history:

1st marriage abusive, physically and verbally = DIVORCE

2nd marriage great guy, money problems, then alcohol, then my best friend = DIVORCE

3rd marriage best friend, dated 3yrs, on honeymoon requested kids move out to live with ex for 1yr to honeymoon = ANNULMENT

 

4th and Last Marriage

 

Knowing my horrible history here is my dilemma.

I have been married to a very nice man for 12years now. He knew my past history and knew I was completely through with marriage but eventually wore me down. To meet him you would think he was the nicest person. But... he functions like a robot. He was not like this when we met and did not start acting like this until after our daughter was born 10 years ago. He will not hug me, kiss me, or make love to me unless I ask him to. I have to tell him that I need some attention. We used to be on these 4 month cycles. I had gotten tired of asking for attention so about every 4 months I would explode, get angry and he would apologize and tell me he will "start" showing me attention. I could say okay, start now, and his reply will be I promise baby I will and roll over and go to sleep. Finally I became so lonely and desperate for attention, I threatened an affair, his reply, "do what you have to do". That has been years ago since that came up though. At this point now, I have moved into a seperate bedroom on the other side of the house because laying beside him at night and seeing him sleep makes me angry at him. I have even went so far as to be very understanding and ask him to think about it and tell me if he were gay. He didn't like me asking that question. I have been going through this cycle for the last 10 years now. I can honestly say that during that time I may have had intimate contact maybe 25 times. I am lonely. I love him dearly but know the "in-love" feeling is long gone. Even just yesterday he told me he will "start" paying me attention. I don't work outside of the home because I have back pain issues and even if I did I think I would just get into trouble. I am at the point I think I would be like a puppy starved for attention and the first thing that came along cuddle up to. The main reasons I stay are for the children but also my husband and I truely don't fight about anything else and we love each other. Years ago, when he said the do what you need to do comment, I did. I felt guilty as hell and told him about it. HE APOLOGIZED! He told me he was sorry he made me do it. I have lived with the guilt all these years still. He is such a strange man. I have talked to a counselor about this because he refuses to go to one. It confused her. He will not do anything unless I give explicit directions to him. I need to feel wanted, needed, sexy like a woman should feel, but he will not even try. I am thinking of getting the book, "should I stay or go and controlled separation", I don't know if any of you have read it. I know there are a lot of women that would love to be with him and would think I was crazy if they knew him and I did leave him. Sometimes it makes me sick when I hear the women that work for him tell me how lucky I am and that if I ever leave him to pass him their way. Funny how things can seem so rosey on the outside. Oh yeah I forgot this part, there are times he does pay me attention. If I am around my family, his or out in public. He will come up and rub my breast or rear in front of anyone. It literally pisses me off. I tell him that it is no better than a dog marking his territory. I also tell him that I may not feel that way if he just marked it properly at home some time. He gives me everything material he can by the way, it is his way of attention I suppose. I have to be very careful what I say I like because I can bet it will be my next birthday present. It is the way he shows me he loves me I suppose. When I was young, all these material things were my desire but now I would give away everything just to have someone that wanted me.

So PLEASE tell me, what would you do?

[CryingCanuck]

Jewel, not much to say,

4 marriages sounds to me like maybe you should be seeing a good councelor and for a long time. There are always two sides to a story and after three divorces sounds to me like maybe you're the one with the problem and maybe you need some help. Sorry if I'm blunt but that's what I think.

[Jewel64]

Jewel, not much to say,

4 marriages sounds to me like maybe you should be seeing a good councelor and for a long time. There are always two sides to a story and after three divorces sounds to me like maybe you're the one with the problem and maybe you need some help. Sorry if I'm blunt but that's what I think.

 

No you are NOT thinking, you are being judgmental. Something I did not ask for nor care to hear. I went through counseling for 5 years with the first marriage which lasted 8. My husband was so abusive I was hospitalized over 20 times. The counselors were trying to make me see divorce did not mean a lifetime commitment under all circumstances. That is what I was raised to believe. Being so scared of men, it took me 3 years of being with someone to make that commitment again. It was annuled because the man that I loved and trusted wanted me to give up my child. No man is worth that. The 3rd, he and I are still very close. He is married to my exbest friend though. I did not have controll of that and he regrets what happened. This one, he will tell you that I have been the one seeing a counselor on trying to stay committed to a man that can not show me love. I am a good mother to my children, and a good wife to my husband. I have and am trying to stick with him through thick and thin. I know what a bad man is.

You were too busy being judgmental from the 4th marriage stigma that you have slapped on me, you could not help but try to trash me. If you could not have actually read what I was saying and given advice on how to help me with my husband so I can work through this with him, you should have kept your mouth shut or even maybe politely gotten the facts you needed about the counseling. There are lots of people here with real issues, deep ones, and to judge is not what anyone has the right to do. I leave that up to our creator. Thanks for your advice and I am just glad that I am one that can take people with a grain of salt. Now if someone out there can truely give me advice about copeing with my situation I would appreciate it. Hope you can get past the fact that I am such a horrible mental case that would try to find happiness again after such bad marriages. Please note, I did not say this one is bad at all. I love my husband and will do anything for him. I just want him to love me intimately in return, I am a woman and I miss that, not to mention need that in my life.

Jewels

[dgiirl]

Wow, Jewel's, I think you are overreacting just a little to CC's comment. I do understand why 3 divorcee's happened, but when the same thing happens to us over and over, the common denominator is us, and we have to figure out what the problem is. In your case, it seems you are choosing men who are not emotionally available to you, even your current husband. You stayed in some situations way too long, and didnt do enough investigating on the men you choose. You have to ask yourself what is common between these men, and why are you attracted to them? And when you see it again, you force yourself to NOT go down that road again.

 

When I was in therapy, she told me that many people who experience that "I've just met my soul mate" feeling tend to have met someone who represents something unresolved in our past. In my case, my exh represented my dad. Both very responsible dependable men who took care of me, never beat or abused me, but were never emotionally available to me. My dad an alcoholic, and my exh, like your current husband, never showing me any attention or affection.

 

I dont think CC was being judgemental at all, and I think your comments were uncalled for. If you REALLY want to fix the problems in your life, you cannot be so defensive. You might not like what people have to say and they might be totally off base, but there's no reason to lash out. Have some confidence in yourself to hear some people's criticism and not let it define you personally.

[CryingCanuck]

I never meant to offend you, not in the least.

 

All I wanted to get across was that maybe your present H is showing you the love and attention , but maybe not th ekind you need or want and that only through good therapy you might learn how to express that need.

 

As far as the three previous marriages go, I wasn't being judgemental , just stating my thoughts, that's all. You asked for some advice, like it or not, I tried to give you some.

 

My present situation maybe doesn't make me an best authority on mental illness but I've lived for 23 years with a W who has been in and out of hospitals for depression and other mental problems she's had the whole gamit, ECT's drugs, drugs drugs and nothing helped her until she hit rock bottom and I guess for her luckily I was there to help her pick up the pieces, by bneing there and keeping her out of jail and some other things, but a big part of me was hurt in the process.

 

People with serious emotional problems generally tend to look at their immediate suroundings for the cause, when more often than not the cause is themselves and how they interact to their spouses and usually it's the significant other who is the blame in the depressives mind.

 

You mentioned that you dated for a number of years before marriage and during the H-moon he said that the kid goes or he does... What the heck did you guys talk about in those three years?

 

Anyway I sincerely am sorry I upset you with my frank comments, I never intended to do that, just maybe shake you a bit to look inward and get, or continue to get help.

[Ladyjane14]

Now if someone out there can truely give me advice about copeing with my situation I would appreciate it.

 

Here's some advice.... change your attitude.

Everything you posted just proved Canuck's point. You do have issues. You said so yourself. You've had bad experiences and now you're having difficulty solving problems in your relationship.

 

There was no attack in what Canuck said to you. I was thinking the same thing myself, he just said it first. And I seriously doubt that I'm the only other one person reading who was like-minded.

 

Lighten up. There's no gain in being combative.

[Gunny376]

Rule No. # 1 Before you go pointing fingers at someone else ~ look at and examine the three you've got pointing back at yourself!

 

Rule No. # 2 If you can't offer up at least ONE recommendation ~ as to how to improve a given situation ~ solve a given problem ~ resolve a given issue ~ you're just "bitchin and complaining.

 

With that said you're caught up in the single leading ~ and least acknowledged cause of divorce. "Walk~Away~Wives" syndrone. Your not freaking crazy! You're not freaking nuts! Your feelings are NOT invalid. You're not WRONG!

 

The problem here is that men aren't women. They're men.

 

Here are some links to help you.

 

http://www.divorcenet.com/considering/states/nationwide/the_walkaway_wife_syndrome

 

http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/2002-March/msg00016.html

 

http://www.lightyourfire.com

[tiff2006]

I am in a similar situation...

My husband and I have been married for 13yrs.. in that time he has given me everything material wise... Infact, 1 month before I filed for a divorce, he had bought me a new laptop, and a Mustang for my birthday! I gave him both back after I filed, and told him that they just reminded me of a ball and chain! Alot of people tell me I am crazy too for wanting to leave such a wonderful man who is so deeply in love with me! I don't have a job, I have two boys I am raising... I get anything I want! I am a spoiled brat!! According to others... But what they don't know, and can't see, are all the nightmares of the reality of our marriage... All the critism, controlling, neglect, and isolation (from the outside world)

They can't see how he would want to have sex with me constantly, but in doing so, he would do it real rough and sloppy, basically sabotoging it so that it was not fun! Then he would come up behind me and either hump me like a dog, or grope me! He would tell me that all I ever had to do when wanting something, was to just put out for him, and he would let me have anything I wanted! This just made me feel like prostitute! I hated him for that comment!

We did marriage counseling for over 3 years, with no privale...So then I told him that it was over, and that is when his true colors started to shine! He has taken so many things away from me and hid it!! Claiming that he spent all our savings, ect...

My advise to you should really try to eveluate your feelings at hand! Make sure what feels right!! Go by your gut, it will not steer you wrong!

Great luck to you, my best wishes, keep me poted!

[Gunny376]

I am in a similar situation...

My husband and I have been married for 13yrs.. in that time he has given me everything material wise... Infact, 1 month before I filed for a divorce, he had bought me a new laptop, and a Mustang for my birthday! I gave him both back after I filed, and told him that they just reminded me of a ball and chain! Alot of people tell me I am crazy too for wanting to leave such a wonderful man who is so deeply in love with me! I don't have a job, I have two boys I am raising... I get anything I want! I am a spoiled brat!! According to others... But what they don't know, and can't see, are all the nightmares of the reality of our marriage... All the critism, controlling, neglect, and isolation (from the outside world)

They can't see how he would want to have sex with me constantly, but in doing so, he would do it real rough and sloppy, basically sabotoging it so that it was not fun! Then he would come up behind me and either hump me like a dog, or grope me! He would tell me that all I ever had to do when wanting something, was to just put out for him, and he would let me have anything I wanted! This just made me feel like prostitute! I hated him for that comment!

We did marriage counseling for over 3 years, with no privale...So then I told him that it was over, and that is when his true colors started to shine! He has taken so many things away from me and hid it!! Claiming that he spent all our savings, ect...

My advise to you should really try to eveluate your feelings at hand! Make sure what feels right!! Go by your gut, it will not steer you wrong!

Great luck to you, my best wishes, keep me poted!

 

basking in a male pride moment ~ feeling like such a smarty? LOL!

 

In your case Tiff ~ I wouldn't be going ~ I'd be gone! His is a clear case of emotional neglect ~ and his attitude toward intimacy are to me just beyond belief.

 

I've meet his type before ~ and their basic attitude toward women in general is that they're just VLSS's ~ Vaginal Life Support Systems ~

 

I have been fortunate in the I've learned from the women that I've been with ~ but I've always gone for the strong ~ assertative ~ comfident types ~ which granted up's the "bitch" factor ~ but they're more challenging, and cuts down on the "he said~she said" guessing game.

 

One of the things that my last GF did that I really liked ~ was that when I wanted to get frisky with her ~ she pushed me away and told me, "Uh-uh, Buddy! It don't come that easy! You've got to work for it!" Which to be honest was more fun anyway~! LOL!

 

But, I'm glad you posted. I don't think you have WAW sydrone ~ yours is more like running~ LOL!

 

And, you're right about what other people say ~ it doesn't mean anything. My sage Mother and I were talking about ~ and Lord knows she's had her share of "men troubles" She said, "People say that she's lucky to have him ~ but you never know what goes on behind closed doors ~ only she does!

 

In all fairness ~ I believe that you can walk away from all of this in good conscious ~ you tried ~ and tried, and tried some more ~ the bottom line is ~ he just doesn't "get it" and probally never will. You're way beyond the advice of my first post ~ light years away.

 

Best of luck

 

God bless you and yours, hope things work out for you

 

Guns

[Love Hurts]

Love is the true gold in life..... we surround our self with things to appease us.. your right in the end.... you have a museum.

Things can not love us back..... to have a husband that is not making the moves or saying the loving supportive things, is sad to say the least.

 

Empty is the byproduct in the end picture.

Where do you start?

 

Off the wall here........... you could;

 

Feed him aprhodiiacs he has lost his natural sex drive.

Suggest a night of viagra. Just for the fun of it.

 

If he is robotic....train him ...to perform on Q.

Sounds horrible but if you love him,

his robotic state is what you have to work with..

So Work with it.. make it work for you.

 

Give him a list to follow. He seems to listen to you.

Tell him when the candle near the bedside is burning... he has to make love to you..

When you wear red he has to do this or that.

Have a key word that means you want this or that sexually.

Speak it and he has to perform.

 

I admit this sounds awful.... but you have to start somewhere.

Perhaps you can train the robot to perform.

Like teaching and old dog to do new tricks.

 

Ouch.. the words of endearment... that naturally come from the loving heart.

Impossible... to make someone say. If you had to force it,

they are not worth hearing anyway. .. so thats out.

 

Rubbing your breast in a group gathering!

Knowing it upsets you.........

You could say excuse me to your associates..

Reach down grab a handful and squeeze..........

...... see if he likes it.

Granted it's an ugly rude wake up call..

If you have the gull to do it may help him know how you feel.

The robot will remember.

 

Obviously you have become the assertive one sexually.

Compounding..you having gone through marriages in the past may add to the desire to try to make this one be the lasting one.

 

one more try.............training the robot.

 

The possitive note is....

You have him, he is alive and breathing.

He does consider you in other ways.

He has the ability to perform sexually.

You may have something to work with.

 

When you are exhausted and have tried all............. the best news is.

You don't have to live with that.

[Gunny376]

Love is the true gold in life..... we surround our self with things to appease us.. your right in the end.... you have a museum.

Things can not love us back..... to have a husband that is not making the moves or saying the loving supportive things, is sad to say the least.

 

Empty is the byproduct in the end picture.

Where do you start?

 

Off the wall here........... you could;

 

Feed him aprhodiiacs he has lost his natural sex drive.

Suggest a night of viagra. Just for the fun of it.

 

If he is robotic....train him ...to perform on Q.

Sounds horrible but if you love him,

his robotic state is what you have to work with..

So Work with it.. make it work for you.

 

Give him a list to follow. He seems to listen to you.

Tell him when the candle near the bedside is burning... he has to make love to you..

When you wear red he has to do this or that.

Have a key word that means you want this or that sexually.

Speak it and he has to perform.

 

I admit this sounds awful.... but you have to start somewhere.

Perhaps you can train the robot to perform.

Like teaching and old dog to do new tricks.

 

Ouch.. the words of endearment... that naturally come from the loving heart.

Impossible... to make someone say. If you had to force it,

they are not worth hearing anyway. .. so thats out.

 

Rubbing your breast in a group gathering!

Knowing it upsets you.........

You could say excuse me to your associates..

Reach down grab a handful and squeeze..........

...... see if he likes it.

Granted it's an ugly rude wake up call..

If you have the gull to do it may help him know how you feel.

The robot will remember.

 

Obviously you have become the assertive one sexually.

Compounding..you having gone through marriages in the past may add to the desire to try to make this one be the lasting one.

 

one more try.............training the robot.

 

The possitive note is....

You have him, he is alive and breathing.

He does consider you in other ways.

He has the ability to perform sexually.

You may have something to work with.

 

When you are exhausted and have tried all............. the best news is.

You don't have to live with that.

 

Are you single and available!?

[Love Hurts]

Are you single and available!?

 

Thank you Gunny... I got a good laugh out of your one liner....

[Gunny376]

Thank you Gunny... I got a good laugh out of your one liner....

 

Glad I was able to make someone smile today! That's my life's mission! Someone's got to do it! Just call me, if you need a friend!

 

 

Guns