ugly engagement hang-ups

[lucita]

Hello all. I apologize in advance for rambling...My boyfriend and I have been together for three and a half years, three of those we have lived together. I am 33 and he is 28. We are in love and are also really good friends and agree that we are perfect for one another and that we love our life together, in short everything is wonderful except for what is now a big, ugly looming

subject:engagement.

 

After about a year together, he told me on New Years Eve, when we were discussing our wishes for the year, that he felt that this would be the year that we would marry. Well that just whipped me up into a frenzy - weird, because I wasn't the "husband hunting" type of a girl - and I was just waiting for the moment that I could jump for joy, but it then never happened. Time drug on that year and I got more and more frustrated that I felt he dangled it in front of me and it never happened. His excuse was that he was "scared" (yes, he is a bit younger than me) and "overwhelmed" at the thought of it, even though he never doubted that he wanted to be with me. It really became a sore spot for us. He then expressed to me that when he got over his "scared" problem, that he couldn't figure out how he could afford a ring soon - he is in the final stages of graduate school. Around the time he was considering taking out a tiny loan to get a ring, he dropped off a gift to a much-older wealthy friend's house for me on his way home from work. She and I are close, but she is very nosy and pushy at times - I feel she tries to live vicariouly through me. She prodded him and asked him when he was going to pop the question, and then gave him the ring from her first failed marriage. I accidentally found the ring while he and I were searching for something he had misplaced- and was hurt again that he was actually going to propose with someone else's ring that is totally not my style and from a failed marraige. It seemed like a thoughtless cop-out to me - I would rather have an inexpensive ring that he was thoughtful in choosing for me. So things got all uncomfortable about the situation again and we had discussion after discussion about why he had waited so long and how preoccupied he was with grad school and that caused him to delay which made me, again, feel pushed to the side like I was sitting here waiting for him and all. We just about had that all smoothed over when... Bam! - his brother, with whom we are very close, met a girl in Barcelona last November, she came over her in January and stayed until a couple of weeks ago and then went back, and he had the most thoughtful ring made for her - simple, but totally her! - and went to Barcelona last week to propose. She said yes, I love them both to death and am thrilled for them, but I feel as though I've been hit by a truck. Now that I"ve rambled on, I am upset because: I have a fantastic relationship that I feel was stunted by my boyfriend's flailing about when it came to the point that engagement would have been natural, hurt that he considered proposing with someone else's ring (not like it's a grandmother's ring or something) that is completely not my style at all plus it's from a terrible marriage, and now I am having odd feelings of jealousy over his brother's thoughtful engagement - I am normally not the jealous type at all! I now have become a bitter person about the whole subject. My feelings are hurt that my bf is otherwise a romantic and thoughtful person, but I feel he has been so thoughtless about engagement that I am now sour and am so turned off by the whole thing that I want to call an otherwise great relationship quits. I just feel like there is no way that it can ever be smoothed out becuase there is so much water under the bridge. He keeps asking how he can make it up to me, but I just feel ill about it and feel like if he ever asked me, I'd still just be pissed. Like it can't be fixed now becuase the drama has gone on so long. I feel like this one issue has ruined what could have been a fantastic relationship. I guess I just really needed to sound off... All feedback appreciated.

[Annacabana]

Q. I have been involved with a man for three and a half years. I love him and I want to marry him, but it seems the only time he talks about proposing is if I bring it up first. I think it's because he feels pressured that he is going to lose me. I don't want a marriage based on that! Should I stop pressing the issue? Should I move on?

 

 

 

A. Wait a minute. You love this guy and want to marry him. When you bring up marriage, he's always open to discussing it. When you don't say anything about it, the subject seems to slide. Does this mean you should leave him? No! Or at least not yet.

 

Some men are very passive about tying the knot. They may be in love but see no reason to make it legal. However, they would be perfectly happy to let their partner guide them into holy matrimony if that's what she wants. Some men don't need a ceremony to feel secure about a relationship. But that doesn't mean they aren't crazy about you — or don't want to spend a life together.

 

What you need to do is find out if your boyfriend is committed to sharing his future with you. If he is, but doesn't care what name you give that lifetime relationship, then it's OK for you to say, "Hey, I want to call it marriage," and set a date. That's not forcing him to do anything. That's just putting together the relationship you both want, in a context that only one of you needs. If I am accurately describing your situation, he will ultimately be happy to be married. Lots of marriages have happened this way and turned out fine.

 

Of course, this all rests upon the idea that he loves you and wants to spend his life with you. One way to find out is to bring up marriage again, get his consent and then choose a specific date to announce it. You may have a different problem altogether if he resists setting a date: He either has commitment jitters or relationship doubts. Either way, hear this wake-up call! If he still feels ambivalent after all these years, I would make a bet he'll never sign up for marriage with you. I don't think it matters who gets who to say "I do." However, if he won't help plan to make a marriage a reality, then you are in a dead-end relationship and need to get out. You've already given a lot of energy to this relationship; if he won't get concrete about a wedding date, it's time to move on. I know that's very sad, but it will be even sadder another year from now. Find out once and for all if he's serious about marriage and then act accordingly

[norajane]

Sounds like your problem started after he mentioned marriage, and you started to have expectations, and then got all antsy about a proposal. If everything else in your relationship is great, then what you've done is let your disappointment about your expectations prevent you from being comfortable in the relationship. You can bet all your questioning and poking and prodding and pushing is making him feel even less comfortable with the idea of making a commitment.

 

- lots of men are reluctant to commit. You can't force them into your own timetable on when to be ready. If you can't stand 'waiting' anymore, you have two options: 1) stop waiting and stay with him because you enjoy the good relationship you have. 2) start making plans to live on your own, because you can't force him to commit if he is uncomfortable with it.

 

- the ring provided by the friend. It was a lovely gesture on her part to help a young couple. Since it was a gift from her, you and your boyfriend are free to take the stone from the ring and have it put into another setting that you would like better. It's easily (and often) done with old rings. A jeweler cleans the stone, polishes it, and then sets it into your preferred setting. Alternately, you can sell the ring and use the money to partially pay for a new ring. You don't have to get all bent out of shape about it - he didn't actually use the ring to propose to you, so you have no idea what he was intending to do with it. Perhaps he would have had it re-set.

 

- life plans. He's in graduate school. A LOT of men feel very strongly that they need to have their careers in order before being ready to get married. He will be considering how to support a wife and family and house and car payments and everything else that goes along with marriage. He knows he can't do this while in grad school. You might want to listen to his concerns and try to understand why it is important to wait. He might just want to get his ducks in a row before adding the stress of a new marriage to the mix.

 

Back off the discussion of engagments and getting married. You are pressuring him to a point where he will wonder if he wants to be with you at all as you seem so unhappy with him now. Reconnect on a relationship level before worrying about forever.

[lucita]

sometimes when you can't see the proverbial forest for the trees, someone spells it out nicely as you ahve here.

 

thank you so much for reading my ramble, and for giving me such a thoughtful response. you bring up so many valid points here, and i don't know why I couldn't see some of them before...

 

many thanks!