Walk Away, or Stay and Pray?

[Spanky Omally]

I've been with this girl for 3 1/2 years. She broke up with me in Jan. because I lied to her about staying at my X's house when I went to see my daughter. I'd also cheated on her in the past a couple of times. Since then, she has been seeing another guy. We still do everything that a couple does. But she doesn't want to be with me because she said that she isn't in love with me anymore. She also said that it didn't mean she wouldn't ever be again though. Since we separated, I have truly changed my ways. I no longer lie or cheat. It took losing her to realize how much she meant to me. I've known since day one that she was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I've been to jail twice since getting with her, and she stuck with me both times and took care of my life. She has done more for me than anyone else, and I feel like I owe it to her to be there for her.

 

I found out she was seeing this other guy because she gave me an STD. Easy fix medically but a tough one emotionally. I'd never been on the other side of the cheating game. And it F@#$ing hurt...BAD. All the more reason never to do it again. But how do I prove it to her. I feel like the more time goes by the more of a chance there is that she will fall for this other guy. It kills me every day to know that I have to share the one person I truly love. She told me that maybe she needs to lose me to see if she really loves me or not, but I'm afraid of losing her all together. That pain is unimaginable to me. At least now I have her half of the time. I wanted to propose to her to show her that I really am serious. We had talked about marriage before we broke up. But I am afraid if I push her to make a decision, it won't be to my liking.. I'm so confused right now I don't know if I am coming or going half of the time. I love her more than I have ever loved anyone before, and would do anything for her. But how do I make HER see it? She gets mad at me because I am trying so hard to fix it that I am smothering her. I feel like I am going to lose my mind. Should I walk away to see I she comes back, or just back off and see what happens. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks in advance

[bigdogg1811]

im in the same situation.

 

just practice some NC and if she comes back, then its meant to be.

[riobikini]

Spanky,

 

If I'm reading between the lines correctly, the two of you have more negative stuff going on in your lives than just the romantic problem.

 

(God, I almost don't know where to start plowing through this.)

 

Maybe here: hopefully, whatever it was you went to jail for is all resolved. Hopefully, you aren't still doing/being, or involved in whatever it was that put you there. Just *maybe* you learned something. Maybe.

 

I'm not judging that, -I'm just *hoping*. For your sake.

 

What I truly believe , is that girlfriend may have made the decision to dump you long before your indiscretion, -possibly, while you were incarcerated. She just didn't want to spring such bad news to you while you were helplessly locked up.

 

She also, probably, realizes you need her, in a twisted sense, as a crutch -someone to 'understand' your weak behavior.

 

Maybe she even 'overlooks' your annoying habits, tendencies, and faulty character simply because she sees you're such a mess without her. (By the way, I'm noting that she isn't such an angel.)

 

But girlfriend isn't really doing you any favors, she's really justifying all your weaknesses, and promoting a whole bunch of 'untouchable' sh*t that only promotes co-dependant behavior between the two of you.

 

I suspect that she's actually a big part of an ongoing problem affecting both of you, -one that you *both* have a predisposition to, which was, more than likely, determined mostly by your backgrounds, -how you both grew up in childhood, and how you've both carried on with your lives.

 

You and girlfriend probably gravitated towards one another based on your rough experiences, and whatever it was that was hurting, lacking, -or some kind of emotional mal-development that compelled you to 'need' each other.

 

And that's what is binding you to each other right now.

 

It's probably the only kind of 'love' the two of you have ever known in regards to 'romantic' relationships.

 

Still, I have to say, -it's all f*cked up: it may be the only significant-feeling 'love' you've felt thus far, -but it's all based on the crappy life experiences you've had, and what you *think* you need to feel better and reconcile the deficits of your pasts, just to be in some sense of a happy state.

 

But there's *much* more to be had, much more to be experienced. And I'm talking about *good* stuff, -not the co-dependant emotional ties you've relied on, so far, and certainly, not those intense but confusing physical acrobatics that just fill up the empty emotional chasm.

 

You both need to climb out of the hole you gradually fell into over the years you were *supposed* to be developing into responsible human beings.

 

Girlfriend's STD just highlights everything I'm saying here: the fact she gave her disease to you, -and your automatic narrow-minded focus and subsequent hurt over the affair that led to disease being transferred you- just goes to show that you can see everything except the real problem(s).

 

And that's an almighty red flag, to me, proving that your life revolves around someone who is as weak as you, and who has just as serious problems as you, and who hasn't taken the time to fix any of them. The same as you.

 

None of that makes you a perfect match for each other, either.

 

Get to the bottom of *why* you think you have to live the way you've chosen. Find out *why* you feel you *need* dear-but-screwed-up girlfriend. Look into the *reasons* you feel, and think, and live the way you do.

 

There's more than just the relationship problem at work here, -your post is full of flashing neon signs and boldly waving red flags that indicate you have a lot of problems *beyond* the little drama with girlfriend.

 

Take a break from this relationship (and maybe a break from *all* romantic relationships) -at least, for a while, and get to work on *yourself* to straighten out those longstanding problems that you keep having to face and wrestle with, over and over again, -and which have contributed to the disarray, destruction, emotional pain and, confusion of your life.

 

And if you find out, after reviewing some things, that girlfriend needs to go, -then let her go.

 

I recommend whatever it takes to get straight and pointed in the right direction.

 

I promise you, that if you put forth some *real* effort towards a honest-to-God goal to fix your own problems and improve your own life, -you'll experience enough success to make you wish you'd started the whole 'program' a heck of a lot earlier in your life.

 

Do it.

 

Take care.

-Rio

 

P.S. Your question: "Walk away, or stay and pray?" My answer: Walk away. But still take time to pray. (Smile)