True Colors?

[melancholyaddict]

I have a boyfriend, now at the 6 month marker, who is showing me his true colors. I am a fairly confident female, secure, with no signs of insecurity or depression. He's recently started acting jealous and insecure. I have a full life, filled with friends, work and other hobbies/interests. He will say things that leave me shaking my head.

 

He is also exhibiting signs of insecurity, constantly needing my attention and adoration, my compliments and interest in him. Now, he does not come off as possessive, controlling or manipulative, yet, on occassion, he does say some manipulative or controlling statements. When I hear these, I set the boundary very quickly to let him know those things will not work on me.

 

He is a very attractive person, caring, kind, loyal, sweet and a ton of fun to be with. He is talented and has a great job and looking at him from the outside, you'd say, "what's the problem"?

 

Well, I am catching some of the problem when he starts acting strangely. Like if my phone rings while we are talking, he'll make comments like, "I wonder who is trying to reach you so desparately, or I wonder if that is XX (name of a male friend) trying to reach you." I just blow that off and try to ignore it.

 

Recently he shut down and stopped talking to me just out of the blue because he had learned something about my past. On a scale from one to 10, this issue was a 1 but he blew it up and made it a 20. I in turn, tried to rationalize his behavior and as much as I knew it was his issue, it was affecting me. He kept saying that he would need to figure it out, he had demons and that no one could help him. I backed away, gave him his space.

 

While I did this, I was angry. Angry for being convicted in his mind of doing something 10 years ago that had nothing to do with him. I was also angry that this sweet person could turn on me and be so cold. After a couple of days, he started to emerge as the person I thought I knew, caring, sweet and full of love again.

 

He has shown signs of jealousy over people in the movies or on TV. These are not 'real' people to me but yet he wants to compare himself to them and play these make believe scenarios of 'what if', and honestly that exhausts me because I will never be able to convince him.

 

On the flip side, he is constantly telling me how confident he is, how good looking he is, how several women approach him to ask for directions, or smile at him, etc. I have told him from the beginning that if he wants to be with anyone else, please do so. I am not about keeping him in a relationship if he truly desires to be with others. I work a lot and make time for him everyday in some form. Lately that doesn't seem to be enough. Then on occassion, he will call me with his insecure side and seek reassurance from me in the form of compliments, asking me if I love and miss him, etc. Sometimes it does seem like it's never enough.

 

So, now I am just confused. If I stopped to tell him that a co worker asked me for directions or gave me a paper clip, I would imagine his mind would start working overtime and imagine all sorts of scenarios. I have brought it up, hey, don't tell me about all the women who approach you, even the most secure of women would be a bit miffed by his constant ramblings. Sometimes he gets it and sometimes he doesn't. I am not sure if he's trying to make me jealous. I haven't played in to it and just said, hey look, if you want to go out with any of them, go for it. I usually get the reply of, "Are you serious? I only want you." My response in my mind is, then stop with all of this insanity, you jerk. But I say nothing. On occassion, I have tried to set the boundary by saying, "enough of this" letting him know it obviously bothers me and as much as I am patient, I've had enough.

 

He's told me that he's never broken up with someone in his life, that all his gfs have left him. I've heard his stories about these girls and think, my goodness, how did you stay through all that? This tells me that he is incapable of making decisions of importance, probably stemming from low self-esteem. I am starting to have second thoughts about our relationship and the longevity it can sustain. When I talk to him and have the heart to heart, he always say, "I didn't realize that bothered you, I won't do that anymore" and he is sincere and loving and I actually think I am making progress. Then there are days like the other day where I have to try to convince him that I love him and would never fall for a movie star.

 

It's all very frustrating. Does anyone have any thoughts?

[PandorasBox]

"He's told me that he has never broken up with anyone in his life, that all his g/f's have left him."

 

 

I think you might have found your answer. He runs people off with his jealousy and insecurities. Maybe suggest him getting some type of help. Tell him he has a choice, he can get some help to learn to deal with his paranoia, or he can continue to wallow in his misery, by living a life of insecurity, but that you will not live like that. Its not healthy. I wouldn't think you would want to spend your life, always having to reassure him of how you feel or what you're doing etc. It can be very draining.

[Outcast]

now at the 6 month marker, who is showing me his true colors.

 

Right on schedule. Most folks with serious flaws seem to be able to keep them concealed for a few months, but around the 6 month mark the cracks start to show.

 

What this guy has begun to demonstrate is a tendency to irrational reactions which are disproportionate to the situations. This is a very bad sign.

 

You need to realize that men who are bad news (abusers, etc.) are never all bad. If they were, nobody would fall in love with them. On the contrary, they very often have many good qualities. The abuser I was involved with shovelled driveways for our elderly neighbours when it snowed. However, it's the not-so-nice sides of these guys which makes them undesirable partners.

 

Forget rationalizing. Forget trying to make allowances. Your gut is saying 'this guy's not for you'. Listen.

[Cecelius]

If the 10 year old event hadn't been at issue, whatever it was, I'd just say he has a weak but large ego and needs constant refilling -- basically, he has the mentality, it sounds, of a very young lady. If he makes up issues in his own mind, there is little that can be done about it.

 

The event that he learned of though, he may have very different attitudes about that you.

 

Regardless, he is likely to fixate on it from now on.