catgirl1927 Posted June 2, 2006 Share Posted June 2, 2006 I was recently involved in a discussion where it was brought to my attention that there are those who feel it is inappropriate for people who have been through a divorce to have a formal wedding for their second marriage. (Important note: this discussion was with my twentysomething friends, most of whom have never been married, although a couple are engaged and are having ridiculously huge weddings) What do you guys say to that? Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted June 2, 2006 Share Posted June 2, 2006 I was recently involved in a discussion where it was brought to my attention that there are those who feel it is inappropriate for people who have been through a divorce to have a formal wedding for their second marriage. It depends...it both parties are divorced and have already had big 1st weddings then they should keep it low key. But what if the dude is divorced and it's the chick's 1st wedding? Then it would have to be a big, formal production Link to post Share on other sites
Author catgirl1927 Posted June 2, 2006 Author Share Posted June 2, 2006 It depends...it both parties are divorced and have already had big 1st weddings then they should keep it low key. But what if the dude is divorced and it's the chick's 1st wedding? Then it would have to be a big, formal production But why? Why do you think that the second marriage means they shouldn't have a big wedding? (I'm trying to see if lots of people agree with these girls about this) Link to post Share on other sites
hotgurl Posted June 2, 2006 Share Posted June 2, 2006 I disagree they can have a formal wedding for a second marriage but a lot of people I know have a more low key wedding. Actaully some of them enjoyed thier second wedding more than there first. What is thier definition of a formal wedding? Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted June 2, 2006 Share Posted June 2, 2006 But why? Why do you think that the second marriage means they shouldn't have a big wedding? Big weddings are expensive CG1927...and they are a lot of work and anxiety. Older couples who are more mature and already had the big wedding know its better to spend that money elsewhere....like on a house or a new car or a honeymoon on Fiji or New Zealand. This is what age and experience gives you. Big weddings are over-rated anyways but you don't figure that out until after you've had your own big wedding. Link to post Share on other sites
Author catgirl1927 Posted June 2, 2006 Author Share Posted June 2, 2006 What is thier definition of a formal wedding? In a church, bridesmaids, groomsmen, a reception afterwards. These girls think that while it's ok for a second wedding to be in a church, it should be family only with only MOH and BM, if that. They don't think you should have a reception, you can have an informal party if you just HAVE to, and they do NOT think you should register for gifts. They actually think the best thing is to go somewhere like Mexico or Vegas and get married by yourselves. Link to post Share on other sites
Author catgirl1927 Posted June 2, 2006 Author Share Posted June 2, 2006 Big weddings are expensive CG1927...and they are a lot of work and anxiety. Older couples who are more mature and already had the big wedding know its better to spend that money elsewhere....like on a house or a new car or a honeymoon on Fiji or New Zealand. This is what age and experience gives you. Big weddings are over-rated anyways but you don't figure that out until after you've had your own big wedding. Haha, age and experience, huh? You're adorable. I'm not condoning big expensive weddings. My first wedding was in Vegas. I paid for it myself. I'd rather have a down payment on a house or a fab trip. A couple of the girls agreed with the financial aspect of the weddings, but that's not what I'm talking about. Money is not always a consideration for everyone, and it's not for most of my friends. What I'm talking about is the idea that it is inappropriate (tacky) for someone to have a big second wedding. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted June 2, 2006 Share Posted June 2, 2006 What I'm talking about is the idea that it is inappropriate (tacky) for someone to have a big second wedding. I already answered this...it depends upon the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
hotgurl Posted June 2, 2006 Share Posted June 2, 2006 In a church, bridesmaids, groomsmen, a reception afterwards. These girls think that while it's ok for a second wedding to be in a church, it should be family only with only MOH and BM, if that. They don't think you should have a reception, you can have an informal party if you just HAVE to, and they do NOT think you should register for gifts. They actually think the best thing is to go somewhere like Mexico or Vegas and get married by yourselves. well I just think that is BS. But I do agree with alpha that a lot of people have a less extravagant affiar. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted June 2, 2006 Share Posted June 2, 2006 It depends what you mean by 'big'. Going to a church, having attendants, and having a reception doesn't have to be 'big'. However if you have a 300 - person guest list and a $25,000 bill, yes, you might be going overboard. I suspect your friends' primary objection would be to the issue of gifts and I agree that you ought not register for gifts. Suggesting people not bring gifts or give to a charity on your behalf is much less tacky than expecting another big windfall the second time 'round. Same goes for showers, bachelor parties, etc. - you've already done all that once so no need to drag all your friends and relatives through it again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author catgirl1927 Posted June 2, 2006 Author Share Posted June 2, 2006 I would think that most people would do something smaller, just because they're adults and aren't taking money from their parents any more. You know, and big weddings kinda suck for the people giving them. BUT My thread kind of sucks because I was trying to be clever. Oops. Working without tools again, there I go. What these girls were saying is, once you get a divorce, you shouldn't have a second wedding because they don't believe in second marriages. Their genuine belief is that if you marry and divorce, then marriage no longer means anything to you. You have failed at being married and don't deserve another celebration because marraige isn't real to you. These girls are all in their early to mid twenties with very well-to-do parents and a VERY idealistic and naive world view. I think they are being ridiculous, and I would bet money I don't even have that their tunes will changes when they are my age and divorced (and bless their hearts, most will be, because these girls aren't exactly realistic about their expectations of marriage). I just wanted to see how many people really believe that you can only really be married one time. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted June 2, 2006 Share Posted June 2, 2006 Their genuine belief is that if you marry and divorce, then marriage no longer means anything to you. You have failed at being married and don't deserve another celebration because marraige isn't real to you. They are plenty old enough to be smarter than that. You mean to say that none of these wealthy parents had ever been divorced?? Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted June 2, 2006 Share Posted June 2, 2006 Oops. Working without tools again, there I go. did you leave your vibrator at home again CG1927? These girls are all in their early to mid twenties with very well-to-do parents and a VERY idealistic and naive world view. that explains a lot! I just wanted to see how many people really believe that you can only really be married one time. theres a big difference between a wedding and a marriage. you can only have one really big blow-out wedding but you can have multiple marriages. Link to post Share on other sites
Author catgirl1927 Posted June 2, 2006 Author Share Posted June 2, 2006 Hehe. I'm worthless without my pocket rocket. See, I think if you have the money and that's how you want to spend it, you can have as many big blow out weddings as you want! And, as someone who is divorced, I know for a fact that divorcing doesn't mean that marriage doesn't mean anything to you. In my case, it means MORE to me now, I'm going to be very careful next time. They're very sweet girls, but they are awfully judgemental about some things. They have SUCH limited life experience, it's cute and sad at the same time. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted June 2, 2006 Share Posted June 2, 2006 See, I think if you have the money and that's how you want to spend it, you can have as many big blow out weddings as you want! That's all well and fine if all your family and friends live in town and if you refuse gifts the second, third, and fourth etc. times but remember 'big blowout weddings' require that others spend money to travel, buy outfits, gifts, etc. etc. so it's not just about you and your wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
penkitten Posted June 3, 2006 Share Posted June 3, 2006 my first wedding was a court house one, with no pictures or people to have admired it or any neat stories. we already lived together for years and had children. he left us 6 months later for another woman. 7 years have passed and i have met the man of my dreams who was never married before. we have planned a nice church wedding for family and friends to attend and for my children to be a part of. i am so excited this time, and i want to share this love we have with everyone that will attend. i think my kids will respect my new marriage more so, since they are attending the wedding and being a part in it. there is even a sand ceremony to blend the family. i cant wait to eat the big wedding cake this time. more than anything, i cant wait to go on the honeymoon after! and a dear part of the wedding is when we are announced man and wife, the preacher is going to say "what god has united let no man seperate" because it happened to me last time haha Link to post Share on other sites
BeFree Posted June 3, 2006 Share Posted June 3, 2006 I really think it depends on the circumstances. I do think it's rude to get married, then two years later get divorced and marry someone else and then register and expect your friends and family to go out and buy you another expensive gift. IMO.... My sister had a fairly first big wedding got divorced and married someone else. Her weddings were like two, three years apart. On her second wedding they eloped but then came back and had a CASUAL reception. She shows up in this big puffy white wedding dress. UMMMM,, TACKY! Then she was disapointed because they barely got any of the gifts they registered for. OMG, are you kidding...didn't we just buy you a wedding gift like three years ago. She had no idea how silly she looked, but the rest of us certainly noticed. Link to post Share on other sites
penkitten Posted June 3, 2006 Share Posted June 3, 2006 I really think it depends on the circumstances. I do think it's rude to get married, then two years later get divorced and marry someone else and then register and expect your friends and family to go out and buy you another expensive gift. IMO.... : i really agree with this. exactly what do you need the second time around? maybe a new album or something but honestly most people already have so much by the time a second wedding comes. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted June 6, 2006 Share Posted June 6, 2006 cat, I think I understand their overall point -- meaning I see it ("I guess if you HAVE to get married a second time, that's fine for you, but for goodness sake keep small, because you cannot possibly be celebrating your tainted status..."). Personally, I think if that's true, then ask them how many of them will be wearing white as brides. Part of it is that they have the idea of the wedding itself so built up in their minds that someone's second wedding being somehow as legit as theirs is wrong. I also would tend to stereotype that they will each be marrying someone with strong financial potential who is expected to carry them (if necessary) in the years to come... I disagree with them on the appropriate grounds. Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted June 6, 2006 Share Posted June 6, 2006 Cat you do what you want. Wear a big white dress and invite 500 people to celebrate with you. Or wear overalls and just invite the kin folk. I think registering for gifts is tacky regardless if it is a first or second marriage. "here is our list, get us something good off it and hope you show up to the reception to eat the $15.00 a plate chicken or fish being catered" Weddings have turned into "how much money do you think we will get". In this day and age if you cannot afford to buy your own toaster or set of china (which who the hell uses it anyway) after you are married then you have no business playing house anyway. The marriage should be a celebration that you wish to share with others not a list of gifts to get and "cookie cutter protocol" bulls***. I just had 2 friends comment on how much fun they had at our wedding yesterday....... the entire wedding and reception was set up for the enjoyment of the guests...... relaxed, very tasteful, and lots of fun for all. No BS 2 hour vows blah blah....... very little was "traditional ". A full wait staff/ full bar,and we requested if anyone wanted to give a gift that they do so to our non profit, our gift from them was their time to celebrate with us. You do it your way..... a way that means something to you. A wedding should not be an obligation for people, it should be a wonderful time that they will never forget, and something for you to always remember fondly. As for the gifts we had $5,000 donated to our NPO....... our wedding costs us $14,000........ Guest list of 175 people. Don't ask how I pulled it off..... but it got rave reviews. And please skip the hell out on that stupid chicken dance crap Link to post Share on other sites
Author catgirl1927 Posted June 6, 2006 Author Share Posted June 6, 2006 I'll be doing Vegas for my second wedding too, I'm sure. I don't have the money for a big traditional wedding, we'll just come home and have a party. We will be registering, though. I don't think it's tacky, it's not about not being able to afford stuff, it's about letting people know what you'd like. BUT I'm also not the type to expect a gift just because you come to my wedding. But we (all of our friends) like to buy gifts for each other, probably because we are genuinely appreciative of them. My real point wasn't about me, though, it was about the idea that a second wedding isn't a "real" wedding because a second marriage isn't a "real" marriage. Most of these girls come from broken homes, and their fathers ran off with someone just a few years older than them. They don't recognize those as real marriages, just extended contracts with hookers. For obvious reasons, because that's the woman their father left their mother for, poor things. They are all simply horrified when their mothers date, because moms aren't supposed to have sex, I guess. These girls also believe the white van comes when you're 30. Link to post Share on other sites
lilly126 Posted June 6, 2006 Share Posted June 6, 2006 I think the couple getting married should do WHATEVER makes THEM BOTH happy. If you want to have a big, formal production, go for it. If you don't, then don't. There's nothing worse than regretting something you didn't do that you wanted to do all along. I say screw society's rules. Make yourselves happy! Link to post Share on other sites
RarePearl Posted June 9, 2006 Share Posted June 9, 2006 The word "inappropriate" implies that other people will find it inappropriate. And these people will think that they already gave them presents the first time so why spend some more now? Or will they think that given their wedding history, they won't last long? What if it's the first wedding for one of them? I think people simply don't care about big weddings the second time. Both my weddings were very small. I never really cared about "the big day." For me the big day will be when we are 10 or 20 years married. But no, it's not inappropriate. Whatever floats your boat. The whole let-me-tell-you-how-you-should-live-your-life mentality pisses me off. These girls also believe the white van comes when you're 30. It's actually when you're 28... because you're ALMOST 30! Link to post Share on other sites
Ducky Posted June 12, 2006 Share Posted June 12, 2006 Well, this is one women who is planning a big wedding for my second marriage. I was married at city hall when I was 16 years old (1988) and never had the pleasure of a big wedding. I have found the man of my dreams (who has never been married BTW) and I don't plan on skrimping one bit on our celebration. I'm not going overboard, but I do want the fairytale wedding, and I see NOTHING wrong with others who have been divorced doing the same thing..... Anyway, it's our money...who has a right to judge what we should or should not spend? Link to post Share on other sites
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