Here's what happened when I got my 2nd chance....

[eastern_mystique]

Hello everyone,

I used to post a lot on these boards last summer, but haven't been on since August time. I remember someone once saying that these kind of forums can become a bit of a 'crutch' and I think that's what was happening to me. I needed to stop posting and get on with living...

 

Anyway, I'll just give a quick recap on my 2nd chance/ex situation. Basically we were together for about 3 months from Dec 2004 - Mar 2005. It was the first serious relationship for both of us and we got really close. Everything seemed to be going great - until out of nowhere he broke up with me, mumbling something about the 'spark' not being there. I was understandably devastated, but he insisted on us being friends, and so I tried, very hard to be his friend.

 

After a few months of trying to be his friend, I just found I couldn't do it. I was still very much in love with him and our friendship was ambiguous; there were times when innuendo crept in to our conversation (esp. when talking about the past when were together) and there were a few times when we almost got close again, only to have him reject my pleas of another chance at making us work. In May time last year I told him I needed time away from him, absolutely no contact, for 5 or 6 weeks so I could do my exams. He agreed with some surprise and sadness, but couldn't even stick to that - he started texting me again after 3 weeks.

 

I also found that I was slipping into a deep depression as a result of all this breakup stuff. I experienced depression on/off for the whole of my adolescence, but it was not due to anything external going on in my life, and was really just growing pains. But this was the first time that something (or someone) had triggered depression in me. It got to the unmanageable stage around May/June, when I realised that I didn't have the normal breakup blues but something much worse. My self-esteem and self-belief vanished, I felt unattractive and worthless, that I was defective in some way and not deserving of love.

 

So whilst I was having my own personal meltdown, I had exams to contend with which were stressful enough anyway. I also isolated myself from any of my friends. The prolonged misery took a real toll on my appearance to; my hair became coarse and brittle and my skin that is normally smooth and even had terrible breakouts.

At the end of June, my ex got in touch with me over email, asking if we could meet again. His email was thorougly ambiguous and unclear, really coming across as wanting a 2nd chance, but when I asked him to clarify what he was saying, he said that all he meant was that he missed our friendship and the time we spent together.

 

With some misgivings, a week or two later we met up and it was an odd meeting at first. Neither of us wanted to give anything away to the other so the first couple of hours of conversation was a bit awkward and stilted. But finally I opened up to him and told him how I felt and somehow I ended up in his arms and we started talking like we used to, and it was all very comfortable. He drove me back home and asked if he could see me again the next day...

The next day things got better and better and we finally ended up going back out with each other, with some apprehension on his part. He wanted to see how things went with me and him in a non-official capacity, before deciding if we should get back together properly. But I wasn't prepared to undergo some kind of FWB thing with him. When I asked him why he wanted me back now, why he'd broken up with me, he said that maybe it had been the pressure of exams and he'd wanted some space, but he really didn't know why his feelings had changed (for the record, he still doesn't know). As for why he wanted me back now, he said he felt that it was mostly physical attraction the first time around, but that now it was something more. Hmmm.

 

We saw each other again a couple of days later and things still seemed on the up and up with him. But my depression hadn't lifted at all and considering that he was the cause of it that was surprising. But despite loving him, I was terrified that a breakup was only a matter of time again, I had no faith in him or his promises and was still very hurt and angry with what he'd done to me. He'd not even apologised once for any of it. Because of the depression I felt terrible within myslef, so self-conscious and no confidence at all. Even though I wanted to be near him, I was scared of doing so, that he would see all my flaws and weaknesses and just decide he didn't want me again.....

 

So every time he asked to see me I tried putting it off or just saying no because he happened to ask me on the days I felt the worse, so he just stopped asking after a while. Then one day we arranged to meet up, only to have him cancel on me half an hour beforehand with what was obviously a made up excuse. I called him back, we had an argument (he had been lying, he's arranged to meet up with another friend that night and couldn't get out of it), then agreed to meet up a few days later.

 

When we met up a couple of days later, he broke up with me. His reasons? I was really ill, he wasn't making me feel any better, it was obvious that my feelings for him were much stronger than his were for me, he wanted his freedom, etc etc. I was even more crushed this time around. Before parting ways he again asked for us to be friends and keep in some kind of minimal contact with each other but I declined.

 

Fast forward a couple of months to the end of September. I've just started university and everything is different. I've gotten over my depression completely, I even look like a different person, my skin has cleared up, my hair has a completely different cut and colour, I'm happy with lots of friends and a full social life and going out on dates with a different guy each week. Plus I am living independently for the first time in my life, doing everything for myself. There is nothing like all of the above to make your confidence soar.

Oh but wait, there's one thing - my ex is at the same university as me! Coincedence or what....we end up meeting up a few times, he tells me he has a new girlfriend back home. That news wasn't music to my ears, but after one night of sobbing into my pillow over it, I don't dwell on it and tell myself that as he only got with her a week after ending it with me it was most likely a rebound relationship. Still I have feelings for him, just they don't hold me quite so tightly anymore. We ended up seeing each other a few times over that first term at uni. Generally he initiated the meetings, Just to talk more than anything. I had a close friendship with a guy at uni who liked me very much and i liked him a lot too and we almost started dating, but there were complications and it never happened and I was very upset over that for a while, and ended up thinking of my ex during that time a lot.

 

Christmas back home was a little tough. Lots of memories, and the fact that we'd gotten together a year before. Even though my life had moved forward in leaps and bounds, I hadn't left him behind completely. I still loved him. we didn't see each other at all though and there was no contact. Except for on new years day when he texted me to tell me that he and his g/f had broken up.

 

The new year was a revelation. Out of all the dates I'd been on with different guys I found someone who I wanted to be with and it seemed like he wanted to be with me too....now it's clear that he was just after one thing and once he got it, it was over between us. So that was a pretty brief relationship. But it was important in a learning curve sense because it showed that I could go out with someone else and put my effort into making it work, and that even if it didn't work out, it was hardly the end of the world. I felt a bit low for a day or two but forgot about it all soon afterwards.

 

I also discovered that I couldn't do casual flings either. Someone liked me and I sort of liked him (there was nothing more that physical attraction between us, we couldn't hold a conversation with each other very easily), but he wasn't after a relationship as he was still into his ex g/f, yet he liked me. I sort of went along with what he wanted for a little while, without really knowing why, but when it was clear that it was sex that he wanted I backed away and he got the message that I wasn't going in for that.

 

Around this time (mid Feb) I started seeing my ex again. We met up twice over two weeks to hang out and talk and watch films, and it was oddly comfortable as it always was. He was still broken up with his g/f and was cut up over it. At this time I was very close to being over him but not quite there. But on the second time we saw each other, we were starting to get close again, he told me that we would never be together again and whatever feeling he had once had for me was no longer there. I'd heard this all before, when he'd broken up with me the first and the second time. But what was different was my reaction:

 

I just didn't care. In my head I must have thought "Oh, okay then, that's fine". I just felt nothing, I really didn't care. In fact I felt relieved, because I realised in that moment that I was really, truly, over him and he had no power over my emotions any longer. I walked back to my apartment that night feeling lighter and happier than I had in a while.

 

And it was no fluke either. When it comes to him, I feel nothing for him. I have not seen him since, although he spoke to me just before my birthday online, back in April. I've fallen out of love with him completely. It doesn't even feel like we were ever together. In fact, I don't even know why I ever liked him, let alone loved him!! I can't fathom how I cared so much about him this time last year that I let myself slip into a serious depression over it. He doesn't exist for me anymore and I don't ever want to see him again. I've even gone past that stage of wanting him to want me back, just so I could have the pleasure of breaking up with him. That's how little I care.

 

And in a karmic 'what goes around, comes around way', through sheer coincedence I managed to meet my ex's most recent ex g/f not too long ago and got to hear her opinion on him and their relationship. She told me that he'd lied a lot about stupid little things and that he drank too much as well, which was why she broke up with him. She said that they hadn't gotten along very well and that what had really annoyed her was that he would talk about me non-stop and that she was paranoid about all the times we met up at university. Apparently he had fallen in love with her and told her that (he never did that with me) but that she had never loved him and didn't even like him that much and was mainly going out with him because she was bored (!!)

Now that's what I call karma! Now he knows what it's like to love someone who doesn't really care about you and how badly it hurts.

 

So this is the whole point of my [slightly overlong] story. That first of all, you might get your 2nd chance, but it doesn't mean it will last. Especially when the other person has learnt nothing and changed nothing either. And at the time I thought that was what I wanted more than anything in the world, but now the opposite couldn't be more true... I finally got to see him the way that everyone else does, as this sad pathetic immature loser and to be blessed with the realisation that I don't want him any longer.

 

Secondly, even if you don't get to see it, what they did to you will come back to them in some way. I still don't think he's gotten the full measure of what's he's owed - but it will happen one day. And in any case being happy and successful and forgetting about them is the most fitting revenge you can have on them anyway. He knows how happy and well-off I am now and seeing as he sees me every now and then at university, this is quite easy for me to execute.

 

If you haven't gotten your 2nd chance or are still waiting on it, it may seem like the worst thing in the world....it certainly did to me at the time....but not getting it or it not working out could be the best thing that ever happens to you. I am so much better off in every way now, than I was this time a year ago. And you may not be able to envisage falling out of love with them or having feelings for someone else (I have done both, and am currently in an odd uncertain situation with someone else, but that's another story for another thread ) but it does happen! I was so deeply in love with my ex and it took 11 months from when we broke up the first time to get fully over him, but it happened.

 

Probably another reason I felt so depressed over my ex was that my self-esteem was attached to him, so that if he didn't want/love me, I was worthless and nothing. That's not a mistake I'm ever going to make again, and a lot of guys have liked me since (as recently as Wednesday night! lol) so my ex's judgement was flawed anyway - but I've kept my self-esteem firmly attached to myself now so any romantic disappointment I've experienced since him has not had much of an effect on me.

 

Anyway, I'm just trying to illustrate that 2nd chances are not all they're cracked up to be and that there is life and love after an ex AND that your whole well-being DOES NOT hinge on being with them. I'm single at the moment, in part through my own choice, and ideally I would like to be in a relationship but it'll happen when it's meant to and generally I'm happy in life.

 

I hope that this has made at least one person out there feel better or given them a new perspective. As human beings we can't see or understand why we're made to go through the pain that is inflicted upon us, but with hindsight there is often a huge positive consequence to it. With me it's that I'm much more mentally strong than I once was. I hope that you all get through your respective situations happier and better than you were before

 

Take care of yourselves - xxx

[kypepeo]

I love your story because I'm in that exact same situation. I fell totally in love with this guy and he treated me like your ex treated you. We could talk about anything and I thought that he felt the same way I did but now I see that that may not be true. Whenever I think that I am over him, I lapse back into my wanting him back phase. I also felt low self-esteem and all that but lately, I have started realising that I am getting over him!!

 

I can now see his faults like his lying. How can I be with a man that I don't trust? I am slowly getting over him and it's the best feeling in the world. We have been apart 6 months and its not easy that we have mutual friends but I am moving on. Thanks so much for your post. It's given me the courage to say the final goodbye

[GW7147]

EM,

Thanks for the great story of your second chance. My circumstances are somewhat similar to yours as well. I dated my ex gf for 6 months. Things were great and she always told me we would spend the rest of our lives together. We're both 41 years old. She meant the world to me. We went to Cancun on vacation and about 5 days after we returned, she decided we didn't belong together. Granted, she's going through the final stages of a divorce but she really blindsided me. I didn't and still don't understand all of it. I've been doing NC for the past 6 weeks. We've had no contact at all. I'll admit, there's a a part of me that's wondering what she's thinking or if she thinks of me at all. I've been exercising and trying to keep a positive attitude. Of course, that's easier said then done. I've lost 25 pounds and have had many sleepless nights. I posted yesterday under Coping and titled my post "Continuing NC-Becoming More Difficult". I'm trying to realize that maybe, she's just not worth it. I then try to convince myself I will meet somebody that will truly make me move. I'm not really ready for dating as of yet. I won't compromise my feelings or use somebody as a rebound just to make myself feel better.

Your story has given me a different persective on things. I hope I can adopt your story and apply what you've been through to my own circumstances. Thanks!!!

[Diver012]

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I especially liked the part where you discuss that their actions will come back to them in some way. I have started to realize this as well, and the way my Ex behaved towards me, I know she has a lot more lonley nights ahead of her than I do. I actually feel sorry for her, because her MO sudgests that she will most likely end up with someone that treats her like crap. The challenge of change will keep her interested. Thats no way to live. Her problem, not mine.

[eastern_mystique]

Thanks for the comments everyone. I was just reading what someone else wrote on here about breakups and reconciliations (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t86739/), and their opinion was that no contact is the best way to go to get an ex back.

 

Well, I'd have to say that that is probably true. With my ex situation, 2 months of pleading for us to get back together didn't work AT ALL, yet a few weeks of going no contact on him managed to get us ending up with each other again. I wouldn't have believed it could be so effective until it actually happened.....I guess it really depends on why they broke up with you. If they have no feelings left for you whatsoever, and they are adamant that they don't want anymore to do with you, then I suppose no amount of NC in the world will draw them back to you.

But if they do have some feeling left, if the breakup has a sense of 'unfinished-ness' about it, and you do NC on them - they will almost certainly get in touch with you after some time. Out of curiosity, wanting to know how you are, what you're doing, whether you're seeing someone else, because they're missing you etc etc. This kind of contact may not lead to an eventual reconciliation, but them showing this kind of interest can only work in your favour.

 

Maybe your ex is worth having back, maybe they're not. Only you know and perhaps your opinion on how worthwhile they are will change with the passing of time (mine certainly did). There's no guarantee that NC will definitely work, as every breakup situation is different. But from personal experience it was the method that got results, and that seems to be the general consensus on these boards too.

 

And even if it doesn't work, it does mitigate the pain somewhat. It's very hard to get over someone if you still see them or are in touch with them. But if you don't see them then you can, to an extent, forget they exist and it doesn't hurt so much.

 

Oh, and the staying-friends-with-the-ex thing is TOTAL CRAP. Don't do it!!! It'll be painful and frustrating for you, while they're still getting what they want. It's a very unfair arrangement. Equally, the same goes for FWB - if they want you, then they should want to be with you too.

 

Anyway, this is all just my rambling opinion. I'm no authority on this and you don't have to listen to me

 

Take care - xxx