I just don't understand...

[Daisy]

I just don't understand why my boyfriend seems to no longer desire me. I mean, what's wrong with me? Or am I doing something wrong? Maybe I'm just complaining about nothing, and should just be quiet, I don't know. I just need to get this off my chest. Maybe I'll feel better once I'm done.

 

I just don't understand it. We've been together for 2 1/2 years now. We don't live together, but we do see each other every single day. And we're both young ... in our early twenties. We have a decent sex life. He used to be very affectionate. We used to hold hands all the time. Kisses, hugs, flirting, the works. But he doesn't do anything to even remotely show me that he desires me anymore. Nothing. Not unless I initiate it first.

 

And he's the type of person that doesn't like to do it willingly. He acts like I'm just trying to annoy him or something. Like tonight, it's the usual night on the couch, watching tv, unwinding from the day. I say to him, "Why don't you come sit over by me honey, we can spend some quiet time together." His response is, "I worked hard all day, I just want to lay down and relax. Rub my head, will you?" I don't get it ... what's so difficult about sitting next to me, spending some quality time together. And I'm sick and tired of rubbing his damn head! Why don't you rub something of mine for a change! That's what I feel like saying.

 

What gets me the most is that I've talked with him about all of this before. And he still makes no effort. I've tried getting pissed about it. That didn't work. I've tried ignoring it. That didn't work either. And I've tried just hintly nicely that I'd like more hand holding, etc. Once again, that didn't work.

 

I'm not asking for tons of affection 24 hours a day. Not even every single day. And he knows this. I've told him all of this before.

 

I'm honestly starting to think that he just doesn't plain desire me anymore. The reason I say this is because I truly still desire him, and I show him all the time. Affectionate little kisses, hugs, hand holding. Yet I get nothing from him. It's like we're complete opposites, and the sad thing is that he didn't used to be like this. And he's even said to me before, as I'm giving him little kisses on his face or whatever, "Please, I'm tired." Like it annoys the crap out of him.

 

And when it comes to sex, you can forget foreplay. His definition of great sex would be for me just to jump on top of him and go at it. He acts like foreplay is such a huge chore, and that 5 minutes should be sufficient. And then he wonders why I only want to have sex 1 time a week. Occasionally he will go all out, but that's only if we've had a fight, or I've just gotten back in town from a trip. Now I know guys don't love foreplay. But if I tell him I need it and love it, why does he have to complain about doing it EVERY SINGLE TIME?

 

I know he loves me. He tells me all the time. I'm just not sure if the desire is there anymore for him.

 

I think I'm getting to the point where I'm just ready to stop asking for any kind of affection from him whatsoever. Because that's usually what happens. I'll ask him for a hug, or a kiss. And I'm tired of doing that. I think I'm getting to the point where I'm just going to not care anymore. Or maybe I should give him a taste of his own medicine. See how he likes it. Who knows, he probably won't even notice.

 

Don't get me wrong though. I love this man to death. He's my best friend. And there are plenty of wonderful things about him, which are the reasons why I'm still with him. I just wish he was capable of showing his love for me. Seems like to much to ask though.

 

Anyways, thanks for listening guys. It really helps just to get this stuff off my chest. Even if it doesn't really help me any.

[Ed]

Hi Daisy,

 

Unfortunately, this is a pretty typical scenario for relationships. Sad, but true. It happens all the time. I know that won't make you feel any better about it.

 

People get really excited when they meet someone new and things are clicking. They will work their butts off to reach a goal, attain some status or gain someone's love. A satisfying love relationship cannot be treated as an attainable goal. An attainable goal is one that can be reached. Once it's reached, you move on to the next goal.

 

Quite often, one person or the other (maybe both) will become complacent after a period of time. Things seem to get mundane and routine. The excitement is gone. They take things for granted. People are usually happy with what they have and what they attain. They don't want to loose it, but at the same time they may no longer feel there is anything to gain by putting out the extra effort. As in the case with your guy, I have no doubt that he loves you and wants to continue being a couple, but at the same time he is apparently no longer excited about pleasing you, gaining your love, your trust and your loyalties.

 

All the wonderful, exciting times you had when you first got together are just that. Those feelings and times will only last for so long. When they're gone, their gone. That doesn't mean there is nothing left. It just means the newness has worn off and regularity has set in. This is the best time to find out if the relationship and the people in it have what it takes to make it as a couple.

 

Some people may try to tell you the reason things have gotten to this point is that you have not been or are not being a challenge to him, but, his apparent lack of interest is not much to present a challenge to! So, what's the solution? My answer is: If he wants a challenge, he'll have to pursue it - If you want to be pursued, you'll have to be a challenge - and vise-verse.

 

In a lot of ways it can be seen as a game, but it's not. It just looks that way. It's all real. It's all real life! It's the way things are. It's a give and take that each person needs to be aware of and that they have to actively participate in.

 

The key is that both people have to be interested and they both have to participate. If they don't, it won't work! One can't pursue something they already have. One can't pursue something they have no interest in. And, it's real hard to be a challenge to someone who won't accept the challenge.

 

Eventually (in their 80s or 90s), everyone in a love relationship quits playing this so called game. Some quit sooner than others (maybe in their 70s), but everyone plays it for a little while. Those that want to keep playing are the ones that have to make the tough choices. If your partner wants to throw in the towel, you either have to hang yours up too or find someone else to play. You'll know when you're ready to quit. It's when you no longer worry about pursuing or being pursued.

[Daisy]

Thanks for your words of wisdom Ed. It's really nice to hear an outside opinion on the matter.

 

In a lot of ways, I know exactly what you're talking about. We're extremely comfortable around each other, and I often feel as though we already behave as though we're married. And that has it's good points and it's bad points. I often feel as though, if he were to propose to me and we got married, I wouldn't be in for that big of a surprise as to what married life is like ... because I already feel like I am! On the other hand, I know that's not really true because we don't live together. That will be the biggest challenge when the time comes. Although I don't have any fear that we won't accomplish that challenge with flying colors.

 

And you're absolutely right. We've gotten into a routine and I can't place all the blame on him for that one. I'm just as much a part of that as he is. I guess that's why when something happens outside of our "routine" ... such as one of us taking a trip ... we're hot for each other all over again.

 

I'm going to try and put your advice to use, and see how it comes along. I sure don't have anything to lose. I've tried so many other things that I might as well give this a shot. Wish me luck!

 

And thanks again O'Wise One