notreallyhere Posted June 2, 2006 Share Posted June 2, 2006 Here's the situation... I was with the same guy since I was 20 years old. He moved in with me one month after we started dating (he's a musician and a musician without a girlfriend is homeless). He was supposed to be a "fling" for me (since I'd never had one) before I moved away to pursue a lofty dream of becoming a stand-up comic. I worked at a record store and he was living with me in my mom's house and, as a child of enabler/alcoholic parents, I just couldn't leave him in a lurch like that. So, I carried on and on day after day working and finding the good in things. After just over 6 years of dating he asked me to marry him. I agreed, since we'd become so used to the situation and we really loved each other. About 6 months after that, I found out that he had bounced several checks in his account and maxed out my credit card I'd given him (in case of emergency) on phone sex (over $4000 in about 2 months... that's just what I found out about... there was probably more). I wanted to call off the wedding, but he made me feel so guilty about his family and his position that I agreed to go ahead with it. In return, he went to therapy and made some great progress. We were married in Vegas, and got in a terrible fight the night after we were married to the point I regretted marrying him. We got over it, but it still felt like a shaky foundation for the following year. Then habit came back in to play, and I got a great job that I love. He was working too, but was fired about 6 months after our wedding. He then decided to focus on his music again and only work part time. I was forced to work 2 jobs to support us. Ever the martyr, I did what had to be done and tried not to freak out from lack of sleep and being over worked. We made it through. He finished his 2nd album and got a full time position making comparable money to what I was making. Great, right? No. I made an amazing discovery in the last 6 months. My boss, in conversation, asked if there was ever a dream that I had that I felt I'd never been able to fulfill. I told her about wanting to move away and becoming a stand-up comic all those years ago. As a gift, she enrolled me in a class at a comedy club that is supposed to help you get over the fear of being on stage. It turns out, I didn't need it. Long story short, I've had an average of 3 gigs a week since I first stepped on stage. I was immediately hired at a local club as an MC and have since begun booking my own gigs with other comedians. Great for me... death for my marriage. Between his jealousy of my success in such a short amount of time (vs. his very LONG amount of time being a musician), the manic lifestyle of a stand-up comic (long night hours, networking afterwards, and then going to work the next morning) and the new outlook on life I've obtained, I don't want to be with him anymore. Since I've started I've lost 30 pounds and made more friends than I've ever had in my life. I am enjoying it to the point where I don't want to go home anymore. Doing this has made me realize that I make my own destiny and can do anything I want... except I have to ask for someone else's permission all the time. It's not that he's a Nazi about it, it's just the usual "where are you going and who are you going with" stuff I can't take anymore. I've come to realize that I don't want to be responsible for anyone else right now but me. This is my dream and, suddenly, I want my life to myself. We've lived together now for almost 10 years. Before that, I was with my high school sweetheart for 4 years. The bottom line: I want to be free of any man and focus on me. I've always had to take care of someone and I just don't want to anymore. I've only been with 2 guys and I wouldn't really call it dating as much as dates that didn't end. I want to go out in the world, make my own life decisions and see what it's like to be an independent person. It's also a male dominated forum, and I have to use my flirtatious wit as well as a "tough girl act" that will keep them at bay. I'm almost 30, I weigh what I want, I look good (I've never thought that before) and everything is new... except him. I've never been so happy, and he's just as grumpy and annoying as he's always been, but because my life is going so well, his little annoyances tend to grate on my nerves worse now. I've talked to him about it. He thinks it's just a phase that will wear off. I disagree. This is my dream. I'm actually living it and he's in just in the way of it. I'm rarely home, and when I am, we just argue about me not being home... or just being tired and wanting to rest when I get there. I blame myself for making him the center of the universe for almost 10 years and then, suddenly, changing course. I mean, it seems wrong to be with the same person for so long and then wake up one day and their entire life course has changed tracks, doesn't it? Should we separate to see if this is just a phase or if I'm really going through a pivotal life change or should I just stick it out? Am I a bad and selfish person? What do you think? PLEASE HELP! Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted June 2, 2006 Share Posted June 2, 2006 You're not bad or selfish. You've clearly outgrown him. That's why people under 30 shouldn't get married. We change too much in our 20's. I certainly wouldn't pick the same type of guys now that I did in my 20's (if I were single that is.) Go for your dream and don't let anyone or anything stand in the way. He's either with you or not. It's HIS choice. If he can't grow with you, then you should go your separate ways. Link to post Share on other sites
Kenyth Posted June 2, 2006 Share Posted June 2, 2006 Are you being sefish? Frankly, yes. A marriage vow is a marriage vow. If you want out it's breaking a promise. At the same time, you've got no kids together and you don't want to screw him over and leave him in a bind. If you feel you don't love him and want to leave, now is probably the best time for it. There's no use in leading him on. In this case leaving him is the lesser of two evils. You could try seperating for a while to test it out. Also, if you've set your sights on another person or two, and that's the reason you want out, realize that it's classless manuver and don't make excuses. Once again though, in this case leaving him is still the lesser of two evils. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted June 2, 2006 Share Posted June 2, 2006 You need to follow your dream! Life is directing towards a life as a comic You are talented and you are good at it. DO IT. I am sorry that your marriage is ending. But from the sounds of things, you will not make each other happy Good Luck. I will look for you on TV Link to post Share on other sites
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted June 2, 2006 Share Posted June 2, 2006 I agree with Touche 100%. You have finally grown up and have begun to understand the importance of taking care of yourself. That is not the same as being selfish. Your husband, however, appears to still be an adolescent boy, still trying to prove his abilities, not taking on real responsibilities, and not having a vision for the future. Pursue your dreams! You have earned your strengths to break free from him... which is not an easy feat! I don't usually advice divorce, but in your case, I will make the exception. You are an intelligent woman who still has a whole lifetime ahead of her. What you have with your husband doesn't sound worth saving... in my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Annacabana Posted June 2, 2006 Share Posted June 2, 2006 Both of you are being selfish. You could include him in your new dreams and life if you wanted to, He could be happy for you, that you are finally doing what you have always wanted to do. Yes, people change all the time, but a husband or wife isn't something you just discard because he or she is something you need anymore. My husband just changed his career last year, I guess I should be happy he didn't dump me. You have every right to be selfish if you want, but I always say treat others the way you want to be treated. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 2, 2006 Share Posted June 2, 2006 You could feel so much regret if you don't try to atleast give your marriage one last shot. And that means, going to marriage counselling. Allowing you and your husband to SEE if things will get better and you two can grow together. Marriage is not only about the good times. It also involves alot of bad stuff. Could be health issues, martial issues - Fighting, growing apart, cheating, whatever - But because you said vows to eachother - TRY to live up to them. Give it your best shot and then if it doesn't work out - End the marriage. If you don't do that you may regret walking away. Also, you've not even given your husband a chance. Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted June 2, 2006 Share Posted June 2, 2006 Go for your dream and don't let anyone or anything stand in the way. He's either with you or not. It's HIS choice. If he can't grow with you, then you should go your separate ways. Well you certainly stood by him as he attempted his dreams didn't you? Those that are going to throw vows at you to say that your marriage is more important than your dreams are wrong. If your partner cannot stand by you in (your) better times, your vows are already violated by him. Your H should be your biggest fan, your biggest source of encouragement, and your best source of support for you. It does not sound as if he hasn't grown up enough to start to grow with you. This is not a dress rehearsal...... this is life. Live it. What a wonderful boss you must have to care enough to support your dreams and be so thoughtful to help you! Link to post Share on other sites
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted June 3, 2006 Share Posted June 3, 2006 Well you certainly stood by him as he attempted his dreams didn't you? Those that are going to throw vows at you to say that your marriage is more important than your dreams are wrong. If your partner cannot stand by you in (your) better times, your vows are already violated by him. Your H should be your biggest fan, your biggest source of encouragement, and your best source of support for you. It does not sound as if he hasn't grown up enough to start to grow with you. This is not a dress rehearsal...... this is life. Live it. What a wonderful boss you must have to care enough to support your dreams and be so thoughtful to help you! Welcome back, a4a! Wise as always. "Those who throw vows at you"... are reacting with a knee-jerk reflex. If there is another reason for divorce, then this is it. You've grown separate ways - and he's not willing to grow with you. In fact, it seems that he wants to compete with you and pull you down to his level (ie. by being jealous and competitve. ) Link to post Share on other sites
kitkat826 Posted June 3, 2006 Share Posted June 3, 2006 I think you were right in feeling uneasy about getting married in the first place. You realized back then that you weren't ready, and would rather be focusing on your own personal goals and development. For a while you "settled", but as it always does, it caught up with you. You now have the opportunity to pursue what you wanted all along, and realize that this marriage is not the right fit for that life. I don't think you're being selfish; I think you're being realistic about what makes you been happy as a person and have tried to be accomodating to your husband and making the relationship work. I think counseling is a good idea, but my hunch is that in the end, it won't work out between you two. You just can't keep someone from their passion. Link to post Share on other sites
BeFree Posted June 3, 2006 Share Posted June 3, 2006 a4a is right. You supported him and now it is time for him to pay you back. If he can get on board, then I say you give it a good hard try. If he can not, then it's time for you to move on. It does sound as if you have out grown him and the need to take care of someone. Sounds like you are finally taking care of yourself. And as Touche says, this is why people should wait to get married. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted June 5, 2006 Share Posted June 5, 2006 Well you certainly stood by him as he attempted his dreams didn't you? Those that are going to throw vows at you to say that your marriage is more important than your dreams are wrong. If your partner cannot stand by you in (your) better times, your vows are already violated by him. Your H should be your biggest fan, your biggest source of encouragement, and your best source of support for you. It does not sound as if he hasn't grown up enough to start to grow with you. This is not a dress rehearsal...... this is life. Live it. What a wonderful boss you must have to care enough to support your dreams and be so thoughtful to help you! I'm with A4A!! You go out and do what you gotta do. Not many people get to live their life doing the thing they've always dreamed of. You need to take that chance hon. Link to post Share on other sites
grateful Posted June 5, 2006 Share Posted June 5, 2006 Well you certainly stood by him as he attempted his dreams didn't you? Those that are going to throw vows at you to say that your marriage is more important than your dreams are wrong. If your partner cannot stand by you in (your) better times, your vows are already violated by him. Your H should be your biggest fan, your biggest source of encouragement, and your best source of support for you. It does not sound as if he hasn't grown up enough to start to grow with you. This is not a dress rehearsal...... this is life. Live it. What a wonderful boss you must have to care enough to support your dreams and be so thoughtful to help you! I just wanted to reiterate what a great post this is! a4a has given you very solid advice. What is it with people thinking you should subsume yourself to a marriage? A marriage should build you up not pull you down. Link to post Share on other sites
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