FWB but slightly different

[dancehead]

My FWB lover has chucked me for a new man and I don't know what to do and how to cope with the pain. This sounds ordinary until I tell you the backround history:

 

We met 5 years ago. We were just friends for 3 months. She had a lot of issues about her ex who cheated on her. She still wasn't over it. The more I saw of her the more i decided that I was falling for her. We had a long discussion on the day I admitted my feelings for her and she told me that it would not work, shes wasn't feeling anything for me and she wasn't sure if she ever would. This all went out the window when it got sexual. She wanted to be FWB, her idea. So on it went. We did get closer, gradually she opened up. She used to have moments where she would say I love you and say that we were being like a couple. So she would give little things of hope for me to cling to. The more time passed the more used to her I got and the more I fell in love with her. She told me to get a girlfriend because the situation shouldn't continue forever, so I did. But the gf was not a patch on my lover.

 

Eventually I spilt with my gf after 4 months. Funny thing was when I had the gf my lover was far more into me than before and said things about us getting together and crazy things like, 'lets get married' then changing her tune the next day. So for about another year we were exclusive after this but it was still on-off and we always used to have sex that was OUT OF THIS WORLD but always argue about not being together as a couple which spoiled it all. Then she started to see other people which broke my heart everytime. Some were just dates others were more. She would tell me if she was going on a date, later on tell me what happened on her date. If her date went well she would talk to me as if i was one of her fellow girl friends and tell me all the details which REALLY hurt. One time she was seeing a certain man who, she was telling me, was making her fall for him and he was treating her so well etc etc. She announced that she was now his girlfriend and I was left feeling hurt and rejected. She turned me into a wreck. I saw her, I was begging her not to go with this guy, but she wouldn't change her mind so I decided to end it with her and go and find myself a proper girlfriend who would love me with no complication.

 

I did quite quickly find a girl and we have been together for 2 years now. But about 4 months after we met, my FWB made contact again, we talked & met up again. By now this guy of hers turned out to be nothing but unreliable loser so she was back to good old me. My gf while good was not really a patch on my FWB and after 6 months of resisting my ex FWB charms and seduction I caved in and we began an affair. I think I love her too much. But she only seems to want me when I'm with someone else! But shes fantastic, funny, passionate and I believe I truly love her like nobody else before. By now she was a bit more needy and kept hinting that she needed a relationship. At times she asked me to leave my gf for her or in arguements that we had which were always about us not being together she would say fine leave her for me then. I couldn't do it because I was worried that she would change her mind the next day and/or I would end up how I was before - me being trodden on and her still dating others. Also was worried that she only wanted me because I was with somebody else and once I was single again the attraction would go.

 

Something dramatic happened two weeks ago she told me that she definately wanted to be with me and loved me.... This was after she had started dating a new guy again after about a year of just seeing me. She was sorry for making a big mistake with this new guy and even though I was too hurt to want her the sex got in the way again. But it seemed to make it all better and solve the problem of her going with somebody else again. She really seemed like she meant it and genuine this time and she really loved me and wanted me. So I was preparing the talk and how and when I was going to do the horrible deed of breaking it off with my gf (I was really going to do it! - I was considering it for months before) to be with her, when BAM>>>>>> Just before I can do it, the next week she tells me she is going to go with this new guy who is pushy beyond pushy and seems to have got through all those walls that I've been trying to get through all these years. Shes told me that in the space of 3 weeks after intially telling him no it will never work - like she did me when we met -she now plans to move him into her house!!! They are an official couple, she even announced to her family and friends that they are together. So I feel like I'm on the scrapheap, I've lost the girl I loved for years, I'm so jealous of them I feel so bad at times I have awful thoughts like going round to tell him that she cheated on him with me (which did happen the night she told me she loved me) Or worse doing something irrational/violent. I'm not a violent person I would never do that but I am so hurt and angry I don't know what to do.

Can anyone help and advise me on

a. If I should cut contact completely and never speak to her again?

b> should I swallow my pride and leave contact until i can get over this?

c> try to act cool with it even though it hurts when I speak to her and she tells me what this guy is doing to her ie how great he is?

She even wants my gf and I to go out together to a pub with her and her new man!!!! Is this crazy or what!

I don't really want to cut contact because shes been a great friend apart from all this too but I'm not sure I can stand seeing her slip away from me and see her give herself to this guy (of a few weeks) so easily what I have wanted for 5 years. This guy should have been me. And I'm jealous because I know exactly what hes' getting, shes out of this world.

 

I've got tickets for a concert with her should I forget that too? It was a birthday present from me to her.

 

I haven't heard from her in a week but she recently sent me a text message on my mobile phone. Should I reply? I've done quite well to resist contact up to now.

 

HELP!!! I know there are issues here about cheating and I'm sorry and hate what has happened but I feel she led me into it having never cheated before ever. Any suggestions? Thanks for taking the time to read this.

[Hitman10000]

Stop dude, stop it. Stop seeing her, ignore her, whatever. She is not the one for you, know that, and get it in your head. Be a man, stop the insanity!

[notmakingsense]

There are many similarities between your story and mine. I've been on-again-off-again with a woman now for almost 3 years. While she hasn't really seriously dated anyone else, she puts me aside despite what great friends we are and how intense the passion is. Like yours, she's afraid of commitment due to past cheating.

 

She doesn't tell me about her other dates, but I have a sadistic need to know and pull it out of her when it happened.

 

For the last 6 months, we have mostly been split -- but remain in contact and have occasionally slipped up and had sex.

 

I'm much colder to her now than I ever have in the last 3 years -- I have made myself a list of reasons why she's essentially treating me like s***, and I read that list every time I feel like I long to be with her again.

 

I suggest you do something similar. Although she won't admit it, she knows she has been treating you badly, and every time you return for more, that reduces your stature in her eyes. Whenever you stick up for yourself, like find yourself another GF, she returns to you becuase you are gaining stature again.

 

Unfortunately, there is no end to your cycle. You have to be prepared to turn away for good and resist her advances. If you don't have the strength to do it, then you should go in to full no-contact until you have gained that strength.

 

As for me, I have the strength for no contact -- until she calls me, then I break down. Slowly but surely I'm getting there, and I hope you find the strength to do this also. It is vital for your self-respect.

[dancehead]

Thanks for the replies. She really has broken her own cycle with this new guy. Because he is so persistant and won't take her s*** I think they actually will work out because she has lowered her barriers to love and trust again for him (but not me). I wouldn't be surprised if he has proposed to her by now. So you see I think I'm going to lose her forever. I don't want to be around to see her slip away from me. Yet if I don't remain in contact I will never know what happened. Is this wise?

 

And theres a part of me that is hoping it won't work out for her so that we have a chance again. I feel shes the love of my life. I was there 5 years ago - hes been there 3 weeks. I feel theres injustice and feel we were meant to be. Even if it wouldn't have worked out I still would want to try, its the only way of knowing. I may never get the chance now. I miss her.

[notmakingsense]

Thanks for the replies. She really has broken her own cycle with this new guy. Because he is so persistant and won't take her s*** I think they actually will work out because she has lowered her barriers to love and trust again for him (but not me). I wouldn't be surprised if he has proposed to her by now. So you see I think I'm going to lose her forever. I don't want to be around to see her slip away from me. Yet if I don't remain in contact I will never know what happened. Is this wise?

 

The key point in the above quote is that he won't take her s***. It may have worked out between you two or it may not have. Don't beat yourself up about it.

 

I wouldn't stick around to see what happens. She'll come back to you if things don't work out with the new guy. Do you really want to suffer if things work out between them?

 

Learn from your experience. Don't compromise your self-respect for anybody. There are plenty of other fish in the sea, and some lucky woman will benefit from being with the newly found man you are becoming.

[dancehead]

Points taken, I think thats what I will do. I feel very hurt again right now, the reason being is that we have had text message contact. I felt bad not to reply. Although she did not say anything about her situation, she didn't mention anything even when I posed the question of how she was doing. I know her and I think she is holding back from telling me the bad news to protect me.

 

I think shes engaged and she doesn't know how to tell me, or wants to know if I am still hurting over her before she does. I told her I was fine. Obviously I am far from fine sitting here thinking about her playing happy families, being engaged and wedding bells and I think I will drop by briefly next week to return a few of her outstanding items then I say goodbye. Probably forever. Or it will be if it works out with this guy.

 

Good plan?

[crazy_grl]

I mean this in the nicest way possible, but what the f*ck is wrong with you??? I seriously want to slap some sense into you right now. You're letting this girl walk all over you and because of her, you're disrespecting someone else and being a complete a**h*** to her (her, being your gf... ya know, the person you're supposed to have feelings for and respect or you shouldn't be with).

 

I don't really want to cut contact because shes been a great friend apart from all this too

 

That's like saying, "Well, he's a great friend except that sometimes he steals my stuff and trashes my place. Last week he stole my car, but I bought him tickets to a concert for his birthday. Should I still take him and act happy to see him?"

 

There's a limit to how much you can justify a person's s***ty behavior and this girl seems to have gone way past hers.

 

And I'm jealous because I know exactly what hes' getting, shes out of this world.

 

Out of this world huh? Let's make a list of how out of this world she is:

1. She's a cheater

2. She turns you into a cheater

3. She walks on you and makes you feel like s***

4. She only wants you when she can't have you. How could you ever be secure in a relationship with her knowing that this is how she acts?

5. She'll move in with a guy she's only been with a few weeks. I don't care what the circumstances, a person who'll do that has issues. If she's already considering marrying him, then d*mn...

6. It sounds like she uses you to fill in the gaps between boyfriends because she's scared of being alone. Again, issues.

 

Sorry if I sound mean, but it sounds like your feelings are blinding you right now and you're being really thick. I also think you're idealizing this girl. You need to see her for what she is, get her out of your life and tell your gf what you've done. I know it's hard because of the way you feel about this girl, but you have to be strong. Once you realize she's not the one for you and you cut her out of your life for good, I think you'll find yourself much better off.

[notmakingsense]

Points taken, I think thats what I will do. I feel very hurt again right now, the reason being is that we have had text message contact. I felt bad not to reply. Although she did not say anything about her situation, she didn't mention anything even when I posed the question of how she was doing. I know her and I think she is holding back from telling me the bad news to protect me.

 

I think shes engaged and she doesn't know how to tell me, or wants to know if I am still hurting over her before she does. I told her I was fine. Obviously I am far from fine sitting here thinking about her playing happy families, being engaged and wedding bells and I think I will drop by briefly next week to return a few of her outstanding items then I say goodbye. Probably forever. Or it will be if it works out with this guy.

 

Good plan?

 

It sounds like she is doing exactly what you think she is. Be appreciative of that and focus on protecting yourself. She knows why you have pulled back, so don't worry about not contacting her again -- she knows you care about her. You also don't need to "say goodbye" -- it serves no purpose other than a venue to see if she feels anything for you or not... and you don't want to know the answer.

 

Put her things in a box and mail it to her or leave it by her door when you know she won't be home. A short note wishing her well would be a decent touch -- leave out anything having to do with your feelings... and -- don't expect a response.

[dancehead]

Thanks for the slapping Crazy - grl.. I know I deserve it. Everybody don't hold back because I need telling and putting straight. I've been locked up in her twisted world for so long I can't even work out what I'm doing any more. The moving in thing - her issues are that she is desperate to get married and have babies. She feels the later she leaves it the harder it will be to concieve and carry the baby right through. She has health problems relating to this. Plus this man is moving at 1000 MPH pushing her towards moving in and as I say I think he's probably done the proposal now.

 

Yes I agree she has treated me terribly. Good list.

 

To notmakingsense, there are reasons why I can't mail the stuff to her. I can't really say without being more specific, and I am worried that one day she might read this thread (has anybody else worried about this?). I tried to PM you but it won't let me do it.

[notmakingsense]

To notmakingsense, there are reasons why I can't mail the stuff to her. I can't really say without being more specific, and I am worried that one day she might read this thread (has anybody else worried about this?). I tried to PM you but it won't let me do it.

 

If you have to give her the things in person, just keep it short and friendly. Don't get in to anything. You want her to be left with an impression that you are happy and busy -- which you should be trying to be at this point. Don't get cornered into a conversation. Just tell her that you are happy for her and wish her the best. Then turn, go, and don't look back. Go no contact until you feel you are really and truly over her.

 

Of course, I'm better at giving advice that following it -- it took me 3 years to get to the point that I could let go -- and I'm not 100% there yet. I can tell you this, getting to the point of acceptance and moving on feels waaaaaay better than the hurt and pain of watching someone you loved reject you as long term potential.

[dancehead]

Trouble is notmakingsense, is that she now thinks I'm fine and getting over her. But I'm not. So she can feel easy and happy to move on thinking I am ok, when I'm not. I guess I hoped that after this week something would go wrong for her (selfish maybe) so there would still be a chance for us. Yes I know shes a bitch, the problem is shes been in my life for so long I'm having trouble accepting shes gone.

 

So this is the best way to end it? Say I'm fine and walk away and don't look back? I think I'm going to find that hard for the reasons above. I feel like telling her how hurt I still am and how I can't quite believe this is happening. I think I will say I need time away from you now, maybe I will be over it in time and you'll hear from me maybe I won't, but this is goodbye.

 

I also wonder how much she has told this man about me. eg: When she first told me she was getting with this guy I took it very badly -I was phoning her and texting her a lot. I wonder if she told him this or showed him my texts and played me against him, with me coming off looking like the poor loser in this, but with her having the satisfaction of showing him she has another man chasing her, to increase her desireability. So then I, in effect, helped drive him to her partly?

 

Is this why I should just go and don't look back

[notmakingsense]

Telling her you are hurt won't change anything. Do you think she'll look at your sad face and change her mind about what she's currently doing? Will you feeling bad be a reason she wouldn't go off with this other dude?

 

And regarding the "last" meeting with her -- people are attracted to happy people, not sad people. If you must say *something*, you could perhaps look at her with a quirky smile, shake your head and tell her that when she comes to her senses and wants a relationship with the one who is truly right for her, she can call you if you aren't in Tahiti with your new bride!

[dancehead]

Well I agree a happy person is better looking than a sad person but surely the more hurt you look/are the more you look like you really loved her. I think she doesn't trust me and doesn't even now believe that I was genuine. According to her, if I wanted her I would have left my gf for her months back.

[notmakingsense]

Ok -- that's a little different. If you really think she didn't know how you really felt about her, then you need to tell her outright, including the reasons why you didn't go for her back then. You have a decent reason -- which is you were just protecting yourself because you couldn't trust she'd ever commit to you exclusively.

 

But please, when you lay the cards on the table, don't be whiny or morose. Tell her you wished you had tried for her one last time -- then leave her with the impression that you know how to learn from mistakes and move on.

[dancehead]

I thought I would give you an update. I did go to give her her stuff back. I was going to just see her on the doorstep and go off in the space of 2 minutes, but circumstances meant it didn't work out like that. We ended up having a long drawn out discussion that took until 2 in the morning. She was telling me things that made me think it wouldn't work out with this new man of hers... shes already thinking of seeing another one of her FWBs on the side so things can't be that good with this guy. He is still pushing to move in and shes saying no. She also is showing me from the things she says, that she still is not over her married ex (who cheated on her) who she still occaisonally has sex with incidentally! So again I offered to leave my gf and she said she doesn't want the be the one who forced me to leave her if it doesn't work out. She said I would have to do it for my own reasons not for her. She also said that it was a shame that all those hours she spent explaining things to me and making sure I was alright so that we will always be friends have been in vain if i'm leaving her. She has a point? So I basically said I will miss you so much but to stick around will hurt me even more. I drove off she said I love you and that was that. So now its been a while and I miss her. All I have had from her since is a text saying sorry and she hoped I can forgive her, and a missed phone call that I have not returned. What I'm thinking now is 1. She never really loved me enough and it probably wouldn't have worked. 2. I feel sorry for this guy because shes going to hurt him 3. I'm thinking of leaving my gf anyway but not to go running to my FWB, but I'm giving it one last try to correct things 4. That its a shame we can't be friends, I hope that in time I can, but if I did try that I would be sucked in again by my feelings. I need to somehow turn my feelings off and the only way I can think of doing that for sure is to find a completely new gf. Any advice for me? Not making sense, how are you getting on with your FWB?

[notmakingsense]

I think you are doing the right thing by taking a break from contact with her. There is no shred of evidence that she is in to you enough to break her ties with her ex or bf. You need to heal, and the best cure is time. Also, you don't need to rush getting another gf -- that's just a band-aid over a deeper issue that you might have with your own self-esteem. Try to get yourself to the point where you are happy without a gf -- sort of a "take it or leave it" attitude. I'll bet that once you arrive at that point, you'll find that women (including your ex-fwb) will find you extremely attractive. And never ever compromise your own values for the sake of a gf.

 

My FWB relationship is still bumping along. I get sucked in when she tells me that she loves me and we are meant to be together. I have the horrible habit of forgetting what it is like when she distances herself from me. The main thing that is working in my favor is that I no longer try to contact her when she distances herself. I give her no clue that I'm missing her, and I do my best to be busy and happy. I have found that this drives her back into my arms. My situation is a bit different from yours though, as she doesn't have other bf's or FWBs -- so I'm (slightly) more justified in my keeping things going.

[crazy_grl]

shes already thinking of seeing another one of her FWBs on the side so things can't be that good with this guy.

She also is showing me from the things she says, that she still is not over her married ex (who cheated on her) who she still occaisonally has sex with incidentally!

 

This girl has got some serious issues or just plain has no morals. What is it that you find so wonderful about a girl who sleeps around, cheats, sleeps with people in relationships, and treats you like crap? Is she great in bed? Does she go out of her way to do things for you? Has she saved your life? I just don't get it. To me, the fact that you're so crazy about her when this is how she treats you shows that you have low self esteem.

 

And why the need for another girlfriend? Do you think it's fair to use someone just so you don't have to be alone to "get over" someone else? Is it fair to yourself to just push these issues to the back of your mind and focus on a new girl instead of dealing with them and *actually* moving on? If you don't deal with these issues, then they're only going to come back later and you'll probably just end up back in this situation with this girl later on.

 

Doesn't the way you treated your current gf make you feel even a little guilty? Don't drag another person into this mess too. Take some time for yourself, and don't date anyone until you realize that you're too good for the BS this messed up girl has put you through.

 

I'm sorry if I sound mean the way you're still letting this girl wipe her feet all over you is just upsetting. I can't believe you seriously offered to leave your gf for her. I realize I don't know her, but I can already tell you she's not that great and you deserve better... so does your current gf. I hope you're honest with her when you break up with her.

[dancehead]

Is she great in bed? Does she go out of her way to do things for you? Has she saved your life? I just don't get it. . .

 

And why the need for another girlfriend?

Yes she has issues I agree. But her ex's wife is the woman with whom her ex had an affair while my FWB was engaged to him. So as far as shes concerned shes just stealing him back. He was hers first. Ever since this all happened shes never been able to have a proper relationship which might explain her behaviour since. She doesn't go out of her way, but shes is generous, cooks me meals, buys me gifts, has a excellent sense of humour, is fun and outgoing. Perhaps I like the unpredictabillity. We always talked for hours. She is fantastic in bed. I worry I will ever find sex as good with anyone again. I've had a few lovers in my time and nobody has been up there with her. By contrast with my current gf its never been very good at all. And I'm not sure I love her enough. Thats why I think, split up with her and don't go running back to the FWB, but try to find a girl whom I can have feelings for and with her things can be as good in the bedroom as with my FWB. Yes I do feel guilty and I don't intend to repeat this experience. I am quite happy on my own. I'm self sufficient but I want to find a girl who will captivate me so I won't be tempted back to my FWB. Because if I'm on my own she will say lets give it a try now, if she left her bf then I would be tempted to try again. But I know its risky to even go there. If I have a gf who I am in love with then I will not want to get sucked in by the FWB. Then I can be JUST friends with her - no more FWB and cheating. Good idea?

[crazy_grl]

That does sound like a good plan and it seems logical, but the chances of it working out that way aren't very good. If you can't stay away from this girl while you're single, then I doubt you'll be able to do it simply because you have a gf. You've got her built up in your head as something amazing and until you figure out for yourself that she's not everything you've made her out to be, no other girl really stands a chance.

 

MAYBE you're right and your plan will work, but I think you should find the strength to overcome this on your own without relying on something or someone external to get there. If you get to a point where you know you'll turn her down when you're single then you can be proud of yourself and you can go into a new relationship with the certainty that you won't be tempted by this girl again.