after abuse

[cryinginside]

I sure hope someone out there is reading this. I hope someone can help. I am at my wit's end. I feel like just giving up. I was with my kids dad for 6 years he was extremlly abusive. I left him after he put me in the hospital on my birthday and my daughter watched. After being on my own for awhile i met this "great" guy. He bought me flowers, took my kids to the park, if i wasn't feeling well he let me lay down and he watched the kids. We were engaged within a month.. i know it was too soon but i thought life was great. Then he would get mood swings, throw stuff around. I found out he was clinicly bipolar he would never stay on his meds. There were times he held me our kitchen with a butcher knife to me. Did i leave of course not? I did move out though. We stayed together one minute i was his angel the next i was a freakin slutty b*tch. Several times he threatened to beat my butt or kill me. Finally one day i had had enough and just quit taking his calls. Two days later i was in bed with him, later that day wouldn't i wouldn't let him use my car he told me to leave before he did somthing stupid. I then quit taking his calls all together. He hates me now and i hurt so much. I saw him today he called and said that he was going to have someone beat my butt. (not his exact words) AND i still miss him. I want to be in his arms...i can't help it. I remember the good times. and i am sitting here crying so someone please help

[barbie50]

Dear Cryinginside,

 

I can truly relate to what you have gone through and are going through. You made the best choice that could be made by leaving him. I was married to and am now seperated from a man who is bi-polar also. I lived with the manic depressive mood swings for years. When he would have one of these episodes he was angy aggressive. I was always walking on egg shells never knowing what might set him off. Whether it was that he had a bad day at work, someone cut him off on the way home, The cokes were not cold enough in the fridge, his coffee tasted horrible in the morning. It had too much sugar in it or not enough. The bread on his sandwich was not straight. You name it. I have experienced it. I have had ashtrays, remote controls, full sets of keys, candy dishes, full cans of beer or coke thrown at my head and have been hit in the back of the head with these. Any one of these could have killed me. I also have had knives thrown at me. Thank God none of them hit me. But for the grace of God I could have been seriously injured or killed numerous times. There also was alot of mental abuse. Name calling. Him telling me I was worthless. Calling me every dirty name someone could call another person. I became so tired of trying to make it work. So very tired. It was like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. It eventually whittled away the love I had for him.I realize that bi polar is a sickness but unless that person is willing to take their meds then they cannot be helped. He always made some excuse as to why he did not take his medication. It made him shake... It gave him the sweats... you name it he said it did it. The doctor kept switching meds. Each time it was the same old complaint. He would take them for a week or two. I would see a tremendous improvement in him and then he would stop. And we were back on the roller coaster again. I loved him more than anything but I also realize now that it became a sick love. And that I became just as sick as him by staying. I had at one point this past spring put the meds in his coffee just to have some balance and peace at home. He never knew. But he commented how much better he felt. He even said to me that we were really getting along good and that I must be trying harder to make things work. Ahahaha. It was not me. I was still the same me. Never once during the 3 mos I slipped this pill in his coffee each morn did he ever complain of leg shakes or any other side effect. Which told me it was all a choice he made in denial that he needed the meds. When the refills ran out I was back to square one since he thought he did not need to be on meds. I finally got the courage and with the help of a support group of wonderful friends left him on June 16th. He has since gone and got put on meds and is going to counseling and anger management. I can see a tremendous improvement in his personality just over the phone. He is so much more calm, even keeled. Not bouncing off the wall like he was. But I cannot let my guard down and be fooled again. I cannot afford to trust that he has changed for good. Although he tells me that he never intends to going back to being the way he was and that he now realizes how mean, abusive and horrible he was to me.

Please realize that there are other men out there who will love you and protect you and you do not have to settle for an abusive relationship. I realize that you still love him. But it is a sick love. You need to get into some counseling to realize that.