Crying after abuse

[Outcast]

Block his calls and messages. He has a history of not sticking to his meds or his jobs so he won't do it in the future. He may love you, but unfortunately he's not well and he is unable to keep the promises he makes. You can still love him from a distance and wish him well, but living with him is not good for you, and especially not good for your children. So for those reasons, you must keep up your resolve to stay away.

 

Love is not enough! You need kindness and someone to rely on and to live without fear and to be safe. Love is only one tiny thing that you need for a good relationship and when you add up all the other things you don't have from this guy, love doesn't make up for them.

[Craig]

I'm real proud of you for taking the first steps to taking your life back, one day you will look back and be so glad you did this.

 

He will stop texting and calling eventually, just don't respond to him at all.

 

Having strength to do this doesn't mean that it will be easy and fun all the time, sometimes having strength means having the endurance to go the distance until he no longer texts or calls.

 

Best wishes,

 

Craig

[cryinginside]

I am feeling better again. I finally have classes starting so besides work school will help keep me busy. And on weekends i have been taking my kids places.

However, now he is crossing the line. Last night he called my house,which is my parents house, 4 times between 10 pm and 3 am. He kept calling private but i knew it was him. It just irritates me so much that he could be so disrespectful and immature. I guess he figured if i didn't return his text messages that was another way to get my attention.

[Craig]

Glad to hear you're feeling better and keeping yourself busy, busy, busy. Keep in contact with us at LS, especially if you feel down. There's always someone around that can provide a few kind words.

[cryinginside]

What is wrong with me? i swear i want to jump off a cliff. I can't believe what i did!!! Saturday night i went and had too much to drink so i went over and climbed in his window when he wasn't there. He came home and was upset but okay he let me stay. Sunday i hung out with him all day he even took me and the girls to the park. We have been in constant contact he thinks we are back together and i know this is my fault. I don't know what i was thinking. He has already been draining me of my money and i don't have much. But here i am buying him food and cigarettes when i know i don't have it. I think the reason i hung out with him is because my family went out of town and i knew i could get away with it. Now they are back and i don't want them to know. I know its just the cycle. But sunday was so great. Now i am literally sick to my stomache of all this. i have no one to talk to please someone help!!!

[cryinginside]

Now he is talking to me like sh*t. He found out i have no money from my check tomorrow and he is so talking to me awful. I give up i am such a screw up!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Becoming]

You're not a screw-up; you're a student of life who may need a little extra help on some subjects (like I do with algebra!)

 

We all need love. Some of us who didn't get it earlier in our lives may need it so desperately that we're willing to betray ourselves and what's good for us in order to get what we perceive we absolutely have to have or we'll die--even though another part of us knows this guy/gal's no good for us. It really is like an addiction.

 

The only way to break it is to go cold turkey and get in a support group of real folks who'll hang out with ya when you get the relationship DTs, when things go wrong, when ya get lonely, and you want to go off the wagon.

 

LS can be a support for you but you'll need others as well. NO ONE or NO THING can fill up that lack we feel deep in our souls, that longing that we have for love, except the Higher Power/God/Spirit/Higher Consciousness whatever ya call it, which is why the AA principles start with that.

 

Is there abuse or substance abuse in your past? As in, did you grow up with it as a child?

[Touche]

He's using you, you know. Your check should be NO business of his. Why are you letting him control you like this?

 

Climbing through his window is not a good thing. You DID screw up. So don't screw up again! It's so obvious that he's using you.

 

Oh and one more thing. If drinking is making you lose control to such a degree that you're breaking into his place, you might want to consider laying off the alcohol so that you can keep your head on straight.

[Outcast]

You have to understand that you're an addict. The feelings of love are similar to other feelings of pleasure that people get from addictions. So you climbing in the window and allowing him to use you again is like the crack addict prostituting herself to get her drug. I'm not trying to be mean but to shock you into realizing what you're doing.

 

You MUST regard him with fear. Think of him as the crack that will take you down into the ditch and kill you. You must NOT allow yourself to give into your cravings for your 'drug'. You MUST stay away from him for long enough for the cravings to go away.

 

You MUST do this for the sake of your children!!!

[cryinginside]

You are all so right. I know you all are it is just so hard. No i wasn't abused or unloved as a child. Actually, quite the opposite. I was loved very much always going on trips to disney or somewhere else. However, my kids dad did abuse me for about 7 years. I finally got out of that to get right back into one like that. Yes i do believe drinking brings it on...i want to let go so much and have fun with my friends but by the end of the night i am thinking of him. I have been letting go though. This past weekend he said to leave him alone he has a girlfriend so i did. But now he is calling me over and over again. When he is out he leaves rude voicemails about his girlfriend (things he will do to her in bed) he sent me a picture of her. He just keeps calling though. Everytime my heart beats faster and i can't breathe when i see his number come across caller id but i don't answer.

I guess your right it is like my "drug". I just feel like i need someone there and right now that person has been him. I also know that someday like the drug he could kill me in one of his mood swings of violent rage.

It really helps though to have you guys to talk to. If only you guys could understand how much you help me by just talking sense into me.

[Becoming]

He talks about what he wants to do with his gf in bed with you?????

 

Really, now, how sick is that?

 

You are better than this guy's behavior. Say it to yourself over and over and over again.

[cryinginside]

Well not really to me. But he called and my voice mail picked up and he started saying stuff to someone sexual. I don't know i just deleted it. I couldn't go back to sleep after that. I was not really sad just mad! He is just trying to play head games i think. He has tried to call a few times today to but i just keep ignoring it. I figured he would have got the hint but no he hasn't. He is the type of person who would say something just to try and get under my skin.

[cryinginside]

UGH i am so angry right now my blood is pumping so hard. I was crying because i am so mad. He called left a message i didn't know the number so i listened to my voice mail he said he was just trying to let me know a friend of ours died but i was a stupid f_cking sl*t since i didn't know how to answer the phone and i need to get back on the short bus. Why is he talking to me like this? all because i didn't answer the phone. Then he called i answered not knowing it was him and he acted like things were just fine i said i already knew and hung up.

[Outcast]

Ask your phone company to block his calls.

[cryinginside]

ITs my cell phone though i don't think they block calls.

[Becoming]

Find out for sure and change numbers if you need to. You're right: he IS playing head games with you. It's all about control and him needing to have power over you. Don't give it to him unless you want to end up dead or have your children abused.

 

You've got the power! Abusers hate that. So of course he's gonna rant and rail. Just laugh it off at how silly he is. (Not to him! That just adds gasoline to the fire and could result in real damage to you.)

 

Now what do you want to do with the power you have over your life and that of your children? What is it you really want? Go for it and quit wasting it on such jerks.

 

Stay strong, sister! You're doing good.

[cryinginside]

I am at work crying my eyes out, i feel sick to my stomache. I want to scream, i want to cry, i want to fight, i want to lay in corner . He called my work phone i hung up he called my cell from a number i didn't know. I answered he said if i hung up i wouldn't have my new car anymore it would be destroyed. He asked me for money and a sex favor...of course i said no. I told him to not call me that i left him alone. He was calling me names then he would be nice. THen he said he could have me if he wanted me i started laughing and he got really angry. I know i should have hung up the phone but i am scared to even do that. He kept asking what i was doing i said my daughter was sick i was going home to take care of her. He started telling me she has phenmonia because I went out one night last weekend. She was with my mom all night and i went home that night!!! I finally just threw the phone and it hung up on him. I called the police to put a watch on my house. They told me to get an order of protection but if i do that will really make him mad. He would walk right through it or have someone else do it.

[Outcast]

Unfortunately, this is getting worse. Please please talk to your local domestic violence line or shelter and ask for help.

[Becoming]

Yes, listen to Outcast. You need to take out the order of protection. He's trying to intimidate you in order to control you. Don't let him.

 

Now you see what you're up against--evil seeking to control you. And evil gets its power through our fear.

 

Change all your phone numbers. You may need to tell folks at work what's going on as well.

 

Can you stay with someone for a few days?

 

Don't be afraid of what people might think of you. I know women with PhD's from excellent loving families who ended up marrying abusers. It happens; there's no shame. The only shame is if you're complicit in complying with it.

 

Resist! Get help to marshall your forces to resist. NOW!

 

Prayers to you . . .

[blind_otter]

This is going to sound harsh but what can I say? I yam what I yam.

 

I was in a relationship like this. As a result of me sticking my head in the sand, a friend of mine almost got killed by my psycho ex. Ironically, I had asked a friend to hang out at my house because I was scared my ex would come by. My ex busted into my house, threw me into a wall, climbed on top of my friend and tried to choke the life out of him in front of me. Thank god I have a pitbull who attacked my ex and chased him out of the house.

 

8 months later he was sentenced to 5 years in state prison. To this day he still calls my house from the prison. I talked to the state attorney about this. I asked to get his calling privileges revoked. He told me that he will find me, when he gets out, wherever I am.

 

An order of protection is just a piece of paper, but if he violates that then he will do jail time. Protect your child, for f***'s sake, DO SOMETHING.

 

This will continue, it will escalate, and you, your daughter, or someone close to you could end up hurt, disfigured, or dead because you are too afraid to protect yourself. Call a DV shelter. Get an order of protection, take it a step further, get a restraining order. Do everything you can to document his behavior.

 

You are helpless only when you allow yourself to feel that way.

 

I will forever live with the guilt that I put someone else's life in danger because I was too weak to do what I needed to do.

[jmargel]

Not sure what state you are in but here in PA there's a 'women's in transistion group' which helps women in these types of situations. Call the local courthouse and ask to talk to the domestic relations department.

 

Do you have family you can goto? Friends? Don't be alone. This guy sounds explosive. Contact the police again and get whatever they have to offer you. Also buy mace or pepper spray, you can find them in most hunting stores or perhaps the police can tell you where you can buy it. Write down a log of everytime he calls or leaves a message and what the message was about. Give this to the police as well.

 

Right now he wants you to keep quiet and keep this to yourself. He is using fear to control you. This guy is not normal. Just keep writing here so we know you're ok.

[sugarplum]

if you can't do it for yourself, you must do something for your children. It is your responsibility. You can't have them thinking this is normal or acceptable. And any violence they witness, they will carry with them.

[cryinginside]

I know everyone is so right. That is why when i start thinking of him i get on here and read what everyone has to say because i need to hear this stuff. Well, how dumb am i. My friend passed away this past week. So of course i went with everyone and drank and stuff. Ended up being around my kids ex (who i have an OP on) Anyways i got drunk and called Colby and put my ex on the phone. How stupid was that?! He said he was "f*cking us both up" but i seen him saturday he was going in a bar when i was coming out. He didn't say anything. UNTIL last night he started text messaging me. It started he sent me a pic of his son. Then sent me a message telling me i lost his son because i was screwing my ex...(which i am not nor desire to). So of course i sent him a txt message telling him he was friends with the guy that passed away to thats why he was there too on friday night. Now of course i don't see why i needed to explain myself to him but i did, Then i just went to bed. I wake up this morning and have a message from him saying he wants to see me. I didn't reply but i just don't know why when i saw him saturday i missed him...i thought he looked so good. I am so sick to my stomache by how i handled this weekend. Calling him and being around my ex would put me in the hospital. I mean what in the hell is wrong with me?!!!!

[Becoming]

The same thing that makes you drink, probably.

 

Getting to what that is is going to take a lot of soul searching that requires a great deal of courage. AA, spirituality/church/prayer, self-help books can all help you go on that quest when you're ready to stop living like this. But only you can decide to do that.

 

I'm sorry, but I see a basic irresponsibility for your life at work here. No man, no drink, no nothing is gonna be able to give you the life you want. That's your job. There are folks who will help you learn how to do that job, including folks on LS, but it's ultimately your responsibility.

 

I see that a part of you is struggling to find a new way to be, but I see another part of you stuck in old patterns. Which one do you want to be?

[cryinginside]

I do want to find a new way to live. It's like i will get on the right path and then just let about anything bring me back down. I mean i was away from my kids dad for 2 years now but with a little alchoal and depression i found myself going to him that night. I hated him then and i hated him when i woke up the next day. I hate myself today for letting me fall in my old ways. I know this isn't healthy for me or for anyone else around me. I just always get this feeling that i "need" to have a guy in my life. I don't know why i feel that way.