What exactly is a "normal sex life?"

[Presario]

Have you tried blindfolding her? Sometimes, I find that if I close my eyes, I can concentrate on sex better.

 

KnowHowLoveFeels, thanks for your post and the idea. I thought about such tricks, but she finds them humiliating.

 

May I suggest marriage counseling for you?

 

In our country (it's not the US), we haven't heard of this.

 

It seems that she has some hidden angst regarding sex or some unresolved resentment toward you.

 

She fears sex, because some of its variations are painful. She says she doesn't resent me.

 

My wife says she's not surprised that I have my needs and that I'm desperately searching for a solution. She feels helpless saying that she's unable to control her libido and doesn't know how to improve our sex life.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

She fears sex, because some of its variations are painful. She says she doesn't resent me.

 

 

You know what? Sex used to be painful for me, too. Then I went through 3 labors and delivered 3 8lb babies vaginally. Now, sex is no longer painful and I begin to enjoy it to its fullest. (One of the secret benefits of delivering your babies vaginally! )

 

So, I really shouldn't brag about my pleasurable sexual experience. I have been where your wife is (I think). But even then, we had sex at least 3 times/week... though I needed alot of lube and my husband had to finish his business asap!

 

LadyJane, you are my hero, too.

[Oneword]

Yes sex can be very painful if you are too tight. When I used lube, it only made it worse because it irritated me and therefore made it even more painful. Use a lot of saliva at least on the condom and go slow.

[Ladyjane14]

Thanks for the nice compliment, Presario. I'm blushing.

 

It might be about me. She used to enjoy it with me four years ago. Maybe if she got someone else, she would like it? However, she says it's not like that.

 

Tie goes to the runner. She says it's not about you. You don't have any REAL proof that it is about you. So, why not give her the benefit of the doubt and believe her?

Don't assume that she doesn't love you, okay? You two have got a tough problem on your hands, but you can't improve the quality of your communications when you make assumptions about each other's feelings.

 

She's got a medical problem, and it's good that she's working on solving it. But there are ALOT of alternate means of sexual expression. It's important that she open herself up to exploring the options. Let's face it.... at this point you'd probably be ecstatic about a hand-job in the shower once or twice a week.

 

So, if the core problem in looking at alternative sexual expression is embarrassment, she needs to work through some of that for YOUR sake. What helps a woman the most is the ABSOLUTE BELIEF that her husband finds her appealing and attractive just the way she is. Most women have things about their bodies that they don't like, but she needs to TRUST YOU when you tell her that you do like those things.

 

This is a choice, not different really than when I suggested to you that you believe in her love for you. She must choose to believe in your love for her as well. The choice to trust each other at their word is for EACH of you to make. You trust in her words, she trusts in yours. Simple. Then, you can RE-make that choice every day until it finally sinks in, (that's the hard part ).

 

Your needs ARE her needs. Her needs ARE your needs. In this situation, you can't meet ENs without sacrifice and compromise, because these needs are conflicting with one another. So, if you want sex 5 times a week, and she wants sex 0 times a week... twice a week good middle ground.

 

It doesn't have to be vaginal penetration. The important thing to a man isn't really about the orgasm, is it? You can do that for yourself afterall. No.... it's about knowing that your partner has PASSIONATE love for you, that she WANTS to be with you and make you happy; and for you to hold the one you love in your arms and show her your affection. That's why you two are still at odds. If it was just about getting off... hey, you've got porn, right?

 

Right now, your wife needs to step up to the plate a little more and TRUST you with her insecurities and inhibitions. A woman can't expect to marry a man and then make a monk out of him. That's not right. He's being cheated out of something fundamental when it happens.

 

That's hard-won knowledge for me , and it was difficult to develop that kind of trust. My husband had lots of reassuring words for me.... but it wasn't until I made a conscious choice to take him at his word that I believed in him. Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith. There's no safe place in this life, and none of us get out alive afterall. Why not take some emotional risks?

[Ladyjane14]

Right back at ya, babe.

 

I know the OP was a little bit offended at the tone of your earlier post. But I know your writing style a little better than he does... and your point was a valid one.

 

When a woman is suffering with low libido, it's REALLY important that her man make the experience worth her while. And she's probably not going to complain if she's not getting what she needs. She doesn't want to hurt him by giving him a bad report card.

 

I had the same thoughts you did when he said "two minutes" though.

[climbergirl]

Hey folks, let's make sure we advise people, not blame or excoriate them. Particularly on slight evidence and possible misreading...

 

Heelsraw, you definitely have a serious marital problem on your hands. It is a familiar story which we have heard...oh, about 1000 times in the last few years on Loveshack. Please search LS for other responses. I believe that all blame and anger must be wiped away from BOTH you and your wife for this problem to be fully addressed.

 

Given the complexity, sensitive nature, and importance of the problem to the longterm success of your marriage and family, I recommend making the effort to read The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner-Davis. I think both you and your wife will recognize your stories in the book. Actually, buy two copies and ask your wife as yout top-priority request to read one copy while you read the other.

 

Whatever you do, don't give up until you have given this EVERYTHING you've got. It's THAT important.

 

Not to offend anyone as I know (from reading subsequent posts) that the opinions shared are based on personal experience and that OP's subject may strike a cord close to home ........

 

but still, props to you for words in bold type.

 

I just thought someone should say....

[Mz. Pixie]

Your needs ARE her needs. Her needs ARE your needs. In this situation, you can't meet ENs without sacrifice and compromise, because these needs are conflicting with one another. So, if you want sex 5 times a week, and she wants sex 0 times a week... twice a week good middle ground.

 

Right now, your wife needs to step up to the plate a little more and TRUST you with her insecurities and inhibitions. A woman can't expect to marry a man and then make a monk out of him. That's not right. He's being cheated out of something fundamental when it happens.

 

That's hard-won knowledge for me , and it was difficult to develop that kind of trust. My husband had lots of reassuring words for me.... but it wasn't until I made a conscious choice to take him at his word that I believed in him. Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith. There's no safe place in this life, and none of us get out alive afterall. Why not take some emotional risks?

 

I agree with LJ. Your wives do not understand that when they reject you sexually it's like they are rejecting in some ways you entirely and that it makes you feel unloved.

 

I know my husband's biggest fear was that suddenly after marriage I wouldn't be interested in sex- when I was VERY interested in it before. That had happened to him in his previous marriage and he was very concerned with rejection. I'm happy to say that that hasn't been an issue for us! I actually have the higher sex drive so we compromise on how many times we make love per week. He works alot and twice a week is more his speed- because of being tired etc. I would like four or more times per week so we settle on three!

 

Wives need to understand and really wrap their heads around the fact that they need to meet their husbands needs sexually just like men should meet their wives need for emotional intimacy.

 

One thing that kills a sex drive in a relationship is resentment. If there is unresolved issues lingering over in your relationship then there is resentment (right LJ?) and that needs to be taken care of before you can rebuild your sex life. That is where counseling comes into play.

 

It's really not an option you say "I'm really not happy here, and I'm concerned for our marriage- I'd like to go to counseling". DO NOT say it's about sex- because immediately your wife will tense up- thinking it's all about YOU. You need to make her see how it will benefit her. It's sort of sneaky because once you get there and you're there for a bit, you can start to work on your core issues- like sex!!!

 

Presario- this post is really not for you sweetie, because your wife has a real physical problem. I'm not sure what to do under something like that- but perhaps there is a way for her to give you some sexual pleasure until you guys find out what is wrong?? I imagine it's hard for her too!

[Presario]

You don't have any REAL proof that it is about you. So, why not give her the benefit of the doubt and believe her?

 

I try to live by the rule that if something goes wrong in my life, then it's my fault, and so I'm thinking I must be doing something wrong, because she doesn't want me. But I understand your point very well, because I heard that many women lose their interest in sex for no apparent reason. Got it: I will try not to take it personally.

 

Don't assume that she doesn't love you, okay?

 

I know she loves me, just not physically. She had expressed her love, trust and commitment in many non-trivial ways, such as being honest and constructive, supporting me in my studies, sharing responsibilities, working hard, and accepting my long leaves from home. Plus, it's she who is working with dilators and seeing doctors.

 

Let's face it.... at this point you'd probably be ecstatic about a hand-job in the shower once or twice a week.

 

I used to be ecstatic. At the beginning when she started doing it, I realized that it wasn't easy for her, and so her efforts made me feel special. She was learning how to do it, which was fun. Plus, she experimented with different grips... Hmm, I just realized that she experimented with something. Yes, I need to give her credit for this, because it was really nice.

 

However, I started to enjoy it less when it became a chore for her. She would ask "why is it taking so long?" or "are you there yet?" A couple of times she got tired and angry in the process. Plus, it should be dark, or I'm not supposed to kiss her because it distracts her. I understand it that she doesn't like it.

 

What helps a woman the most is the ABSOLUTE BELIEF that her husband finds her appealing and attractive just the way she is.

 

I asked my wife whether she believes that I love her body. She told me that she does, which made me happy. I have told her many times that I love her body. Naturally, I can see a few extra pounds and signs of age, but I love those imperfections, because she's my woman. I know that there are other women who have more beautiful bodies, but I love my wife's body, because I feel close to her, I know her history, I don't worry about STDs, and seeing her naked is just a pleasure.

 

No.... it's about knowing that your partner has PASSIONATE love for you, that she WANTS to be with you and make you happy;

 

I can feel she loves me, but it's not the passionate, sexual love. I can feel and I know that she wants to be with me. She wants to make me happy: she laughs frequently, she makes me laugh. But she wants to fulfill me sexually only a little, I guess.

 

and for you to hold the one you love in your arms and show her your affection.

 

We both need affection, not just my wife, and so we cuddle a lot.

 

Right now, your wife needs to step up to the plate a little more and TRUST you with her insecurities and inhibitions.

 

My wife thinks it's the next step. First she feels she should overcome her pain.

 

A woman can't expect to marry a man and then make a monk out of him. That's not right. He's being cheated out of something fundamental when it happens.

 

There is an important difference between a monk and a sex-starved husband: a man who wants to become a monk knows beforehand that he will have to go without sex. Before I married my wife, I didn't know that sex would be so scarce after a few years. And yes, I was hoping that once we get married we would make love.

 

There's no safe place in this life, and none of us get out alive afterall.

 

I like this one!

 

Thanks for your post. We both liked your post.

[AManWithTroubles]

3 times a week Mz Pixie? That would be a very successful month for me.

[jonesgirly]

Heelsraw....where did you come up with that name again?

 

Okay, I've been there - little kids, feeling a little 'not so hot' and all that goes with it.

 

Remember that, like it or not, the world-media is focused on the young, thin, hot chick that is ohhhh so sexually attractive. I've been in the place where I've felt less than attractive to my husband, which automatically killed (and I mean KILLED) my sex drive. It won't be permanent, unless of course, your wife continues feeling this way. I'm not sure what my husband could've done to 'get me out out of it', but I know it wasn't saying things like "God, you're hot" when I KNEW I wasn't!

 

The 30's, IMHO, are a different time for women. You realize that all those silly insecurities of your youth are gone, but you haven't quite reached the 'comfortableness' of your 40's (which are the BEST, by the way).

 

It may be a time for you to pay extra-attention in a genuine way towards your wife. I may be shallow, but it always kinda gave me a boost of confidence when my husband would get pissed about some guy checking me out (and of course, he would say "damn, did you see that guy looking at you as if he .........). Seriously, its not that she doesn't appreciate your admiration, its just that its expected (as her husband). Its when the same thing is received from total strangers, well, it has quite an effect. Shallow-seeming, I'm sure, but in the times we live in with all the supermodel 'ideals', it just hits home sometimes that we may not be the 'ideal'.

 

Another thing that always seemed to work was watching 'films'. Yep, good ole' porn flicks that just happen to be cued up past the advertisements - even if played in the background while she's reading or whatever, seem to at the least spark an 'interest'. Sidebar - A friend of mine at work says he's 'never seen the end' of a porno

 

It really probably isn't about you, heelsraw. It really is probably more about her, how she feels about herself as a mother, wife, woman. The role you play may be 'the one' to make her understand that you, as her husband and more importantly, as a man, find her extremely attractive.

[MrsHellFire]

What do I think is normal and healthy? At least once or a few times a week. It all depends I guess how often you see your partner and your schedules, but yeah, that's about right.

[Mz. Pixie]

3 times a week Mz Pixie? That would be a very successful month for me.

 

Yeah, three times a week is what we have talked about- that is providing no kids are sick- no one is traveling- and neither of us are sick!

 

There have been a couple of things though that have changed my thinking about sex and men and marriage.

 

1. Reading these boards and hearing the stories of the men who talk about how they desire their wives and their wives do not desire them that much.

 

2. Knowing how vulnerable every marriage is to an affair- because if I cheated in my first marriage, anyone can.

 

3. Marrying my second H- and hearing him talk about how his exwife rejecting him sexually made him feel.

 

4. Finally enjoying sex! My husband now makes the time to ensure that I enjoy myself and have orgasms- when that was not the norm before. He's open to discussing anything along those lines that may not be working for me in the sack.

 

5. He gets that if I'm not connected to him outside the bedroom that I'm less likely to want to be connected to him inside the bedroom. He goes about meeting my emotional needs, and I go about meeting his.

 

6. We discuss issues that may cause resentment right away before letting it fester. Then, we try to find a resolution to that issue and truly move on.

 

I guess in ways I'm in my sexual prime. Late 30's- and I don't have to worry about birth control anymore because I had surgery two years ago. My hormones are finally straight and I'm not constantly in menstrual pain. My kids are now 4 and 10- and don't require as much care as babies too.

[Ladyjane14]

There have been a couple of things though that have changed my thinking about sex and men and marriage.

 

1. Reading these boards and hearing the stories of the men who talk about how they desire their wives and their wives do not desire them that much.

 

2. Knowing how vulnerable every marriage is to an affair- because if I cheated in my first marriage, anyone can.

 

3. Marrying my second H- and hearing him talk about how his exwife rejecting him sexually made him feel.

 

4. Finally enjoying sex! My husband now makes the time to ensure that I enjoy myself and have orgasms- when that was not the norm before. He's open to discussing anything along those lines that may not be working for me in the sack.

 

5. He gets that if I'm not connected to him outside the bedroom that I'm less likely to want to be connected to him inside the bedroom. He goes about meeting my emotional needs, and I go about meeting his.

 

6. We discuss issues that may cause resentment right away before letting it fester. Then, we try to find a resolution to that issue and truly move on.

 

I guess in ways I'm in my sexual prime. Late 30's- and I don't have to worry about birth control anymore because I had surgery two years ago. My hormones are finally straight and I'm not constantly in menstrual pain. My kids are now 4 and 10- and don't require as much care as babies too.

 

Copy and Print! ....the recipe for success. Great post, MzPix.

[TUDOR]

Great post indeed MzPix.

 

All I will say is you can have your normal....I want the freaky stuff and often!

[2sunny]

Just because you have sex everyday doesn't guarantee that a spouse will not cheat!

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Mz Pixie,

 

That sounds like a text book case for a successful marriage... and you actually have it??? Wow! I didn't think that can happen to anyone!

[Jessy]

OK I AM KINDA IN THE SAME HOUSE. He hates to cuddle and hate to be tuched. Ithought we had a good sex life till Igot pregnant then it went to hell. It seems he hates me anymore. we got marred a month ago and on our hunnymoon he invited a bunch of people over so that was not a hunnymoon and it sucked.I love him to death and would do anything for him' but I want toi know what I'm doing wrong? So yes what is a mormal sex life?

[trevty]

I just sharing my thoughts for what they are worth, hope they help.

 

You need to figure out what is going on with the thoughts of there being something going on! You need to stop any thoughts of having another baby, unless you hope to be handling 2 kids thru a divorce and support after the fact.

 

I would be frank with her that you need to be having an intimate relationship with her that is more in tune with what you want and hopefully she will express the same in return.

 

If you want to try something different with her or have an idea of things that she found arousing in the past, include them in a plan to light the fire.

 

Here are some things that we have done in the past that build lasting memories of togetherness:

 

Paint a room in your house NAKED together!

Make up your bedroom with candles and rose pedels

Get massages together or give them to each other in 15 minute turns

Have a dress up date

 

Doing these things or something like them will hopefully bring her around.

 

If they don't or the talk doesn't work out that you are moving forward, seek outside help to see where your relationship is really going.

 

If you are coming up on your fifth week and know you are going to be having a pity night, have a moment by yourself earlier in the day to fend off your 2 minute issue. You will surprise her and probobly yourself too.

 

Remember that if you are looking for something different to happen when you are doing the same things it will never be!

 

Good luck,

 

Trevty

[Mz. Pixie]

Mz Pixie,

 

That sounds like a text book case for a successful marriage... and you actually have it??? Wow! I didn't think that can happen to anyone!

 

Yeah, I do have it- but it wasn't without alot of heartache and pain!

 

If you recall- I posted to you in your original thread about your marriage and how you should not cheat because you would regret it?? Well, in my first marriage I was the one who had the affair.

 

I had to go through alot of stuff to get to this place- and it helped that I found a man who'd been through alot himself in that area (second marriage) We both knew what mistakes we had made- what we were looking for- and how to work on a marriage.

 

Now even though "I'm there" and where I've always wanted to be, I still know that I have to "keep up the maintenance" to stay where I want to be!

[Presario]

I have been where your wife is (I think). But even then, we had sex at least 3 times/week... though I needed alot of lube and my husband had to finish his business asap!

 

Vaginismus is quite different, I think. It's a medical and psychological problem. Lots of lube won't help. Women with vaginismus need to work hard to get rid of it.

[Presario]

Presario- this post is really not for you sweetie, because your wife has a real physical problem. I'm not sure what to do under something like that- but perhaps there is a way for her to give you some sexual pleasure until you guys find out what is wrong?? I imagine it's hard for her too!

 

Yeah, it's hard for her. It must be harder for her than for me, because she feels the pain. Plus, she has the feeling that there is something wrong with her, which is not easy to fix. Women with vaginismus try to overcome this difficulty for years. Perhaps we should consider ourselves lucky, because there are more serious disorders such as vulvar vestibulitis. Women at the VulvarDisorders@Yahoogroups mailing list have such sorry stories to tell (such as chronic vulvar pain), that I'm happy we deal only with vaginismus.

 

As to giving pleasure in a different way: yes, we try this. We had sex yesterday and it was great. We didn't have it in such a long time, that finally when we had it, it was so sweet, just great. The next morning I woke up fresh and optimistic. I was jubilant, and I think you could tell just by my smile that I had some nice sex the night before. Men are animals.

 

And here I feel sorry for my wife, because she deals with my mood swings. One day I gloomy and I nag her about sex, because we didn't have it for a long time. Then we have sex and then I'm the happiest man ever. This mood change can happen in only a few hours just because of sex.

 

Mz. Pixie, I'm happy that you have a good sex life. Good job!

[StayClose]

I found a study online that says that increasing sexual frequency from once a month to once a week has the same effect on happiness as getting a $50,000/year raise.

[Presario]

I found a study online that says that increasing sexual frequency from once a month to once a week has the same effect on happiness as getting a $50,000/year raise.

 

That's funny and interesting. Could you give a link, please? Thanks.

[Mz. Pixie]

Hi P-

 

I'm not sure I know the difference between all those vaginal ailments but it must be horrible. Do you think she's possibly in denial about it??

 

You sound like me after a night of good sex. I can swear that the next day my face glows and I smile more! When I first started sleeping with my husband during our courtship the ladies in my office could just say his name and I would giggle and blush. He said he hoped he always gave me something to talk to my girlfriends about! HA!

[Presario]

Hey MzPix,

 

Do you think she's possibly in denial about it??

 

No, she knows we have a problem. After all, we have never had a successful regular intercourse, i.e. painless enjoyable penetration. The thing that bugs me most is that I want to resolve this problem more than she does. But now it don't matter, because I had sex two days ago and now I'm living in bliss.

 

I can swear that the next day my face glows and I smile more! When I first started sleeping with my husband during our courtship the ladies in my office could just say his name and I would giggle and blush.

 

I think it's very common. I even saw it in some movies: they see a guy who is happier than usual, and they ask him if he had sex. Oh, this sex. It's a small thing but makes us happy.