Do people ever REALLY change?

[Guest]

I will try to keep this short.

 

Ten year marriage with three children. Husband has been unfaithful three different times that the wife knows about. Husband has had MANY one night stands but most recently caught in an emotional affair where he admitted loving the other woman. Husband and wife have separated three different times during marriage and have gone to counseling each time. The first two counseling rounds husband returned "for the kids" (realize in hindsight). This time, however, was/is different in that the emotional affair was so deeply painful for all involved. Not to say the others weren't, but the others were chalked up to "just sex". The emotional affair became physical and lasted many months. Wife found letters from both husband and other woman and everything came out, dreams, plans for their future, everthing. It was very ugly.

 

Husband has now said I will do anything I can do not to lose my wife and family and knows the issues are his to work out. Has had no contact with other woman for four weeks (this has been checked) Has been in counseling on his own for six weeks now and is returning home. There is evidence of remorse, true conviction and the desire to be a good husband and father. Husband feels immense shame for behavior and has never taken these kinds of proactive steps before.

 

Wife loves husband very, very much even though terribly betrayed and heart broken. There is only a thread of trust that remains, if any. I have seen on many posts that survival, if there is survival, takes years. He is doing everything perfectly....right now.

[Jewel64]

I am going to try to give you my thoughts on this. Yes people change daily. From year to year you are living and loving a different person. But deep down the core of that person, what drives them will never change. Sounds to me like your husband is not really a bad man at all. He just has an addiction, just the same as an alcoholic would, to the adrenelin or feeling, that an affair creates. That is the reason for the different affairs. When someone like this is caught and truely faces the one person that they truely love, it is horrible for them. They feel ashamed for hurting their spouse and the guilt is unbearable. He may seek counseling and truely come to find that connection again with you. The hard part is going to be when everything settles down again to the "norm", day in day out routine. Just like an alcoholic, he will need his fix, it is not the sex, it is the feeling or "high" it gives. He may have self esteem issues and not even know it. If you both are able to recognise this upfront and confront it head on you can have a happy marriage. I am sure that some on here will comment one my knowing about happy marriages because I have had 4 failed, but although I shared fault in each one, I have learned and been counseled enough to have my Phd:p. So if you can get past my horrible past and think about what I am saying it just may help you and your husband. He will have to know that is what the problem is in order for you too to have a chance. And yes, try to find it in your heart to forgive him. I forgave my second husband and to this day still have love for him, he is married to the woman he had an affair with though. I have seen on here where people will tell you once a cheat always a cheat, and dump him. It is true in a way but if you both know the problem and deal with it up front, there is hope for a wonderful future. I hope it works out for you and yours. Jewels

[Ladyjane14]

You might want to read a copy of Surviving An Affair by Harley. It'll help you answer some questions and develop a plan.

 

Give some thought to what YOU really want though. Reconcilliation is hard work, although when it's successful most will say that it's worth the effort.

 

Serial Cheaters don't change easily. Ususally there are underlying reasons that they cheat. They are often people who feel entitled for whatever reason. It's imperative that they WANT to change and that they get help identifying and addressing their issues. Otherwise.... they cry their crocodile tears and then go on to cheat again.

[Guest]

Serial Cheaters don't change easily. Ususally there are underlying reasons that they cheat.

 

...some underlying reasons that I am aware of are the fact that both his parents were alcoholics. They were divorced when he was young and he went back and forth between homes. The divorce was devestating for him not to mention the aftermath. I know he was raised around quite a bit of pornography as well. I know these issues are part of what he's facing in counseling.

 

I read what I've written and it breaks my heart. We're all such a product of the environment we're raised in! I'm in no way saying that as an excuse for adult behavior but the examples we're given do make a difference.

[Tim'sAngel]

Husband has now said I will do anything I can do not to lose my wife and family and knows the issues are his to work out. Has had no contact with other woman for four weeks (this has been checked) Has been in counseling on his own for six weeks now and is returning home. There is evidence of remorse, true conviction and the desire to be a good husband and father. Husband feels immense shame for behavior and has never taken these kinds of proactive steps before.

 

Maybe the reason he is showing all this "remorse" and "shame" is because you weren't as fed up as you are now and he knew you would'nt leave before.

 

Wife loves husband very, very much even though terribly betrayed and heart broken. There is only a thread of trust that remains, if any.

 

Why? Why the friggin hell would you trust a man that has cheated that many times on different levels? Where did that thread come from?

 

I have seen on many posts that survival, if there is survival, takes years. He is doing everything perfectly....right now.

 

Yea, right now.

 

Serial Cheaters don't change easily. Ususally there are underlying reasons that they cheat.

 

...some underlying reasons that I am aware of are the fact that both his parents were alcoholics. They were divorced when he was young and he went back and forth between homes. The divorce was devestating for him not to mention the aftermath. I know he was raised around quite a bit of pornography as well. I know these issues are part of what he's facing in counseling.

 

Oh please. He cheats on you because his parents were alcoholics and divorced when he was young and saw some playboy magazines when he was little..COME ON!! Do you really buy that? All little boys get into some form of porn while growing up. And these days most of them go through divorces. That, IMO, is absolutely no reason for cheating!! My dad left and divorced my mother and is a borderline alcoholic and I saw porn when I was a little girl does that mean I have an excuse for cheating on my SO? No, neither do I want to. It just has to do w/the person.

 

And to answer you question, no I do not believe people can change who they have already become. I believe people can only better themselves and work on their faults. If he hasn't done that by now, then I hardly think he will do it now. He is only "changing" because he has been caught. If he hadn't have been caught he would have simply kept on doing it. WHen are you going to see that?

 

I think you are in serious denial. I think anyone is in denial when they think after being cheated on repeatedly that the relationship can survive and that the person will "change" JMO

 

Whats really sad about this situation is the children. I really hope they dont' know what is going on, especially if they are young. I saw something similar to this on a Dr. Phil show once. (yes, i used to watch the show) Very sad situation. The kids knew what was going on because they would discuss it in front of them. They would say things like wife: Oh where are you going, to your girlfriends house? H: At least she doesn't nag me like you. And the kids were so confused and hurt and frustraited. Sad sad sad