He doesn't want to "give up" anything

[Wintersbloom]

Hello~

 

Thank you for reading my post, I'll try not to drag on.

 

I'm married now for almost one year to a guy who has run me through the wringer emotionally.

 

After discovering he did not stop his relationship online with an ex he promised to stop talking to, I hit rock bottom. I trusted him completely and would have never imagined he would be talking to another woman about loving her, wishing they had never broken up, and getting together if "this" (our marriage) does not work out. She had offered to come down to have flings with him.

 

After this I made my boundaries clear to him. No other woman, no messengers and no chatting with other woman, especially his ex's. Since this he again accepted these limitations, but every time I have caught him with a messenger installed on his system or laying he makes up some bs excuse and expects me to believe it.

 

He even lied to me about finances, I requested being added to the acct most of our income goes into. He stalled and finally one day told me I was added. We were parked in front of the bank and I was getting out to go in and do the paperwork, when he assured me I had been added already. Come to find out, he did not add me, when I addressed this lie with him. He tried to say he was talking about an account at another bank, when we were sitting in front of the bank when he lied. He freezes up, refuses to talk and gets really defensive...he can't admit he has done anything wrong. When I pointed out he had lied to apologies, rather than take responsibility or me, he wanted to laugh it off. It's cute when he lies, he'd like me to believe.

 

He had an excuse for having a msg'r on his system, it came with an update. I offered to repeat the update on my system so I could see how such a thing might happen. It did not happen, but he sweated it out..knowing he was bsing. We tried a second system with the same results, no installation of msg'r with the update. Finally, he suggested this only occurred where he did it, again for some "magical" reason these things happen only to him and if I love him, I would trust him. UGH!

 

He has begun talking to another woman, and I told him I couldn’t go through this again. I am not a jealous woman and I don't want to come off that way. He has chosen me as his wife and should not need any other woman. I did not care whom he spoke with before he lied about and hid his Internet fling from me. I think he misses the adventure of having a secret relationship, but part of me believes he is still talking with her. I asked him to stop talking to this new woman, I have to have boundaries.

 

He would not talk with me, did not respond to my trying to explain to him how I did not want him becoming close with another woman, as he has done before. He just sat and listened, defensive look, always "falling asleep" so he doesn't have to take part. Finally he said, "I've given too much, I won't give this up too." Regardless of my telling him, this will hurt our relationship and his stonewalling or not talking to me will ruin our marriage, he feels justified in having relationships with other woman...because he wants to.

 

Right now…I’m at a point where I believe I have done everything I can do. We’ve gone to counseling, done the Relationship Rescue books, and tried to reconnect. My husband is more concerned about what he wants for himself than what is the best interest of our marriage.

 

What now……….

[melancholyaddict]

You've set the boundary and he's obviously crossed them and you are still there. Until you do something like give him consequences, he will continue to go around the boundary.

 

I am not a proponent of breaking up or walking down the divorce aisle. You sound like a level headed woman. However, he is still living with you and doing what he wants to do. Right?

 

You need to get your own checking account, decide what your boundaries are going to be, ie, let him get his own place until he figures out what he wants and decide what you ultimately want.

 

If you've done everything you can do, the rest is up to him. Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like he is pulling 50% of the weight, yet making 100% of the decisions.

[SoleMate]

You seem reasonable, not jealous or controlling. Your husband is not behaving like a husband to you. I'm curious...what's the history here? Was he at all like this during dating? How long did you date? Any chance he was pushing for this marriage? And what's this about his having "given up so much"? What, exactly?

 

He's lying to you, and I don't find his lies any cuter than you do. He's also engaging in an EA. He seems to have an attitude of "poor little me had to get married so I am entitled to chat with exse about my marriage ending as a stress relief". I agree that this man needs to have boundaries delineated and adhered to. You just don't have an underlying base of trust and respect for this marriage. In this case, it may be time to fold your hand. This may not have ever made sense as a marriage. Your future with him will always resemble the present...or get worse.

 

I do see some SLIGHT hope that if you get real and walk out, he might get scared and change his ways. But you'd have to stay on a hair trigger. And that doesn't feel good with the man whom you should be able to trust and rely on ABOVE all others.

[norajane]

Finally he said, "I've given too much, I won't give this up too."

What has he given up? Doesn't sound like he's given anything up. Doesn't sound like he has any intention of honoring your marriage vows. Doesn't sound like he should have gotten married in the first place.

 

Since you've tried talking and counseling and this is his attitude, it may be time to get away from this man. What's the point of staying? You deserve to be with an honorable man who won't lie to you every 30 seconds.

[Kengne]

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. Unfortunately in this day & age, not everyone takes their marriage vows seriously and this is a perfect example.

 

Your husband is having an emotional affair... you have tried to work things out, do counselling, but yet he is still not willing to give up his 'women'. This is just ridiculous.

 

Yes - I AM a proponent of separation/divorce because I feel that life is too short to be miserable. If he is not willing to work to save the marriage, why should you? It takes two to make it work, and he is not pulling his weight. I can sense your unhappiness with the situation, and I think for YOU you need to remove yourself from it. I am not saying go straight to divorce court... but I think you two def need to separate & have some time apart.

 

Maybe that will cause him to re-evaluate his commitment to this marriage and shape up or ship out.

 

Good luck!

 

K.