Hey everyone

[witchhazel]

I am new here today after stumbling in on your boards, and thought I would post some concerns I have and get others points of view on it.

 

I have been with my SO since Feb 2004. We moved rather quickly into our relationship, and he moved in with myself and my kids in June of that year. It was a big adjustment period for everyone, but he and I always have been very strong and great communicators with one another, so we worked through the beginning stages well together.

In February 2004, he proposed to me, which was not only a big surprise but a happy one. We had discussed marriage;both of us are divorced and had to get married the first time for the same reasons..a pregnancy..so this marriage would be under a whole different set of circumstances. I of course said yes, and everyone was very happy, save for his family, who never felt he should remarry, particularly his mother. She has always had a lot of imput and opinions in his life, and up until a recent incident, had been very controlling. She never felt he should remarry, especially taking on my kids, in addition to his own, who actually live with their mother and are somewhat older than my own. She constantly told him he was not responsible enough to handle it, in spite of us proving the contrary.

By that summer, we had been going through a bit of financial stress. I was between jobs, my ex had not been paying his child support, and everything was on the shoulders of my fiance. My ex also created a lot of drama from time to time, and I would have my fiance handle it because I could not deal with it anymore. I know now it was wrong to do, and my issues all to deal with.

In Sept, my fiance came to me after work one evening and broke down and said he was not happy..that he loved me, so very much, but that he couldn't handle the stress and the drama anymore, and he didnt think he could handle the responsibility of being married. I was shocked, because he and I had so much love together, and told him this..and then he repeated a phrase his mother said to us all the time. "Love is not enough, love can't make things always work out, so it doesn't matter how much I love you. I'll push it away inside me because we can't work through all the other stuff." He moved out that night.

I was emotionally devasted and though I held it together for my kids, I was in a very deep depression. We continued to spend some weekends together, though he made sure I understood we were not a couple. We were "friends". But I could not understand that he still loved me, but couldn't make that committment anymore. As I thought, his mother and other family members were 100% for his ending the relationship, and cut me entirely out and told him to do the same..still he and I could not make that clean break. Finally, after another weekend of tears and me trying to get through to him, I told him I couldn't handle it anymore and we needed to stop seeing one another.

Other than the occasional phonecall I stuck to my words, and even dated a couple people, though my heart was not in it, and it really was a waste of time. I still felt in my heart my fiance and I were meant to be, and I believed he would see the light eventually. I threw myself into working and my kids, and still kept the hope alive in my heart.

The week before Christmas he called me and asked if he could come see me. I had had a difficult day out shopping, and had just finished crying and praying to God that He please take away my pain..and then he called and came to me and told me that he didn't know where we were going, or what the future held, but he knew that he loved me so very, very much, and he didn't want to live life without me.

We have been together since that night, but are still living apart. He has asked me to move in together again, and talks in the future tense regarding our futures. Needless to say, his mother was not pleased, but he stood up for he and I, and told his family he loved me and I was part of his life and thus theirs, and since then they have included me again in everything, as has my family with him.

I think that I am here posting because I am feeling in a limbo state. I know he loves me so very much and is 100% committed to me. I have no doubts of this, but I do have a lot of anxiety as to being hurt again. Sometimes the anxiety is overwhelming. We have talked about the future and whether or not we will marry, and he is open to it happening, but I do not push the issue or the conversation. Christmas I gave him back my ring, as well as a ring I had gotten for him, and told him then when the time is right he can choose to repropose to me. He did say that the first engagement he felt overwhelmed because suddenly everyone else was involved..where we were having it, how many people.. the normal marriage planning stress. He said the next time around he wants it small, not everyone involved, as stress free as it can be.

I have been thinking alot lately as to the imprtance of marriage to me. I am 40 years old, and so is he, come September. I don't NEED a big fancy dress and a big reception. I have tried telling myself I do not need marriage or engagement at all. but then this little voice inside me says differently. I know that ring is in our nightstand by the bed. I want to wear it again to show the world I am his. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone, and I do not want to come off as materialistic. He introduces me to everyone as his fiance..and when he says that, I think about that ring in the drawer. But then I don't say a word because I do not want to scare him and make him leave again like before. I have thought about proposing to him in stead, but the fear of his saying no keeps me from that.

I guess I want to understand why, if we have so much, and we know we love one another, and we are happy together, underneath it all, is the need to be engaged/married there? Why can't I be happy in the now, without needing more? And how do I tell him this without losing him?

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

I know that you must feel hurt and unloved by your SO's refusal to marry you. However, don't take it personally. marriage is not for everyone. If it doesn't happen this year, perhaps, it will happen next year. The thing is, he has to want it as much as you do.

 

As women, we want to feel protected. It is a very deep-rooted mentally wired in women to want to be married and 'owned' in some ways. The more you love this person, the more you feel the need to be 'owned' by this person. Nothing wrong with feeling this way.

[Outcast]

Both of you need security and stabilty but both are scared of 'what may happen'. You can't live your life like a scared rabbit. His fear broke you up once; don't let your fear break you up again. You know very well that wearing a ring and being married are guarantees of nothing.

 

Quit stressing over the issue of the marriage itself and focus on enjoying your life together. Once the stresses and tension die down, you'll sort out the marriage issue. Meantime, both of you should try stress management strategies together - exercise, meditate - do something together that helps create peace when you are together.