I do, he doesn't ?

[Maria33]

I have had a friend for almost one year. We talk 4-5 times a week online and sometimes on the phone. The problem is we have both been in bad relationships and talked about it alot. I have had feelings for him for at least 6 months and was pretty sure he did too for me. He did, but more of a sexual nature than mine. We live a good distance apart and finally agreed to meet somewhere. Both of our relationships were over. We stayed together one night, had a great time friendship wise and were also intimate, which was also good. To me this just strengthened the idea that we were compatible for more than just friends. At the end of the encounter I asked him if he felt anything for me. He said no, he didn't have feelings for me. I was and still am devastated. How could I have thought he felt the same way, and, why doesn't he? He has made comments that made me believe he did care for me in a non-platonic way. Of course I just assume it has to do with me or something I did wrong. He said no, it's just him. He also told me I'm pretty, smart and a fun person. Then why doesn't he like me? He is also now back in his relationship that he was in before, so I basically feel like I chased him back to her. I don't know what to do. We have hashed this out all week online. I wanted him to know that I do care for him and that I was hurt that he didn't feel the same for me. He now basically feels bad about hurting me. I didn't mean for this to turn out this way. I thought we felt the same way and would be able to carry on some type of "more than friends" relationship, even though it wouldn't be very often. What do I do now? Do I just go back and continue being friends with him, even though I want more and feel more for him? Or do I stop being friends with him because I'm so hurt? I love him as a friend and miss talking to him already, but, I know I'll always want more. He said he likes talking to me and being friends, but that's it. He didn't realize my feelings for him were so strong and that he thought we were just two friends, having fun. This was a week ago and I'm still so sad about it, I just don't know what to do. Any suggestions would be very helpful to me. I am new to posting to this forum but have been reading them for several months. Thanks!

[crazy_grl]

I really feel for ya.

 

Don't try to still be friends with him, at least not until you've gotten over your feelings for him. Either just don't talk to him or tell him you need time.

[Maria33]

That's what I want to do, but I miss him and WANT to talk to him. But, I know this will just make the hurt stronger. I want to ask him WHY? We used to know each other years ago when we were teenagers and we were kind of boyfriend & girlfriend. So, WHY doesn't he like me now? It's driving me mad wanting to know. But, he won't tell, he just says it's just him and it has nothing to do with me. I find this really hard to believe.

[Maria33]

This is what I know I need to do, but I WANT to talk to him so bad. I want him to tell me WHY he doesn't have feelings for me. We knew each other when we were teenagers and we were sort of boyfriend and girlfriend. He liked me then, what's wrong with me now? It makes me feel like he thinks I'm not good enough for him. He is still great looking, and is a great person. I just want to know WHY? He won't say, he says it's not me, it's just him. How can this be? We have a lot in common and get along pretty well, at least talking. How can I get him to tell me without making him feel worse than he does or get mad at me? He did say he was sorry for hurting me so I know he feels bad too.

[dancehead]

Maria, I'm sorry for your pain. I feel for you. I'm going through a similar rejection situation myself right now.

I'm the worse person to advise you right now, because I am on the verge of doing some irrational things due to my rejection, I am consumed by anger and jealousy at times.

 

These FWB's don't work, it is always hard when one of you wants more and the other doesn't and the one who does want more can't understand it. Its very soul destroying. If you ask him why the chances of him being honest with you is slim, because he will not tell you to spare your feelings and his embarrassment. I doubt many people would be brutally honest in that situation. If its driving you so mad now then meet him somewhere public and have the discussion. Maybe he will tell you what you need to know but be prepared he won't. Then end it if its too painful.

[crazy_grl]

Unless you really feel that there is something wrong with you or you've had this kind of problem with multiple men, then take what he says for what it is. I know it may be hard, but if he says it's him and not you and won't give you another answer, then you have no choice but to believe it is all him. Pressuring him to answer why or waiting around hoping to get some kind of closure from him isn't going to lead to anything good.

 

Whenever you start wondering why he didn't chose you, remind yourself that it's him and not you, then be glad that you don't have to deal with whatever he's got wrong with him.

 

And if you do think there's something wrong with you, consider talking to a counselor or post some more threads to talk it through.

[Maria33]

Thanks for your support and ideas on my situation. I was married for a long time. I haven't had to go through this stuff for so long. I just really felt this connection with him because we seemed to communicate so well. We were talking as friends before I was separated and he really helped me to develop some confidence which helped me to leave a bad marriage. He makes me feel like a better person than I have felt like in years. I have always been honest with him and he always told me to tell him anything and not hold back. But where did that get me? Hurt. I truly believe he didn't mean to hurt me and he has been very supportive the few times we e-mailed last week. He is a very honest person. He is much more experienced at these things than me and he feels bad that he didn't consider this happening before. Of course, I thought I could handle it too, I really pushed him for the meeting that we had, and I knew what would probably happen. I just don't want to accept that he doesn't care for me. A friend said that possibly he knows that I won't go on and try to find someone and just hold on to the hope that we will work out one day. And, because of this, he would tell me he had no feelings for me to let me go on. I don't know if this is true or not. I guess it's possible. I just don't want to let go, I care for him more than I even knew that I did. After seeing him after so long, it just strengthened my feelings for him. It does help to write here about it and get some ideas and feedback on it. Thank you!

[Maria33]

I didn't follow anyone's advice and guess where it got me? Things are worse now. I had to keep e-mailing and bringing up what happened, trying to understand what happened. He basically told me to leave him alone now. So, now I still have a broken heart plus, I lost a good friend. I'm not going to bother him anymore. I have just become another problem to him now. That's what I didn't want to happen. We got along so well, I just don't understand. It was there for me, the chemistry. He basically said it wasn't for him. How can two people be so far off? How can you like someone that you've gotten to know on the inside, and then throw it away? We only spent a day together, what could I have done that turned him off so bad? He won't tell me, he says he doesn't know the answer and isn't going to try to figure it out either. So much for that possible relationship, I really blew it and don't even know how I blew it. Any ideas? I thought since we got along so well, he would at least give it a chance. I guess I was way off on that one. Thanks for listening, any ideas would be appreciated. Or if you've been in this situation and can tell me what I should do next.

[crazy_grl]

Don't beat yourself up. It's much easier to give advice than to follow it.

 

I doubt there was anything you did wrong that made him not want to be with you. It sounds like he just had a different idea of what your 'relationship' entailed than you did. Since he's back with his gf, he may not have been over her. This may be hard to take, but he may just have wanted you there for comfort and he got some sex as part of the deal. A more respectful guy would have made sure you were on the same wavelength before he took steps that may have screwed up the friendship.

 

There's nothing wrong with you. You just misjudged his feelings. And you didn't blow a possible relationship, because if he's back with his gf, I doubt there would have been much you could've done to get him to be with you.

 

Next time, don't move things forward until you know for sure where the other person stands. And forget about this jerk.

[Maria33]

I wish I could just forget him. The problem is I've been thinking about him for a very long time. I just can't seem to let go and realize there is nothing there. I was so sure that there would be. I keep thinking this is going to get easier and it will stop hurting. But, it hasn't, I still keep thinking about him. I'm also having a hard time not contacting him. I try but then I'll send a note anyway. But, when I do send a note, he sends one back. I have been sending them just once or twice a week. I'm just not willing to shut him out of my life completely. Maybe I'll end up meeting someone, that will make it easier to just be friends with HIM. Any ideas or experiences with this? Your comments have helped me so far. Thanks.

[crazy_grl]

Use other things to occupy your mind. Draw, write, read, paint, etc. Whatever you like to do. If there's something you've always wanted to do but haven't, do it now.

 

Whenever you get a strong urge to write him, do it. Write as much as you want, vent, beg for him to be with you, tell him how hurt you are, whatever you need to say. But DON'T send it.

 

I have been in a similar situation with a guy and one thing that helped me was reading the book Are You the One For Me? by Barbara DeAngelis (I may have spelled her name wrong). It helped me realize that if he really was the guy I should be with, I wouldn't have ended up in that situation.

[Maria33]

Thank you, I can tell you've been in this position before. I will check on that book too. I have been writing and deleting too. But, today, it was like I just couldn't stop myself. Everything I wrote was pretty generic though. I didn't bring up the past. I will try to keep deleting froml now on. The bad thing is that if he responds to my message, I'll want to write back soon. If I do, then I know I'll get another one. What a vicious cycle! Thanks for your ideas again, they do help me deal with it.

[Mary3]

" It's not you, its me " : Classic break up line for someone who wants to spare your feelings.

 

Feelings change . His did. There is no earthly explanation for why he did . Its like feeling a certain way about something and then you don't want it anymore. Like eating too much spaghetti. You get sick of it. You don't want it anymore. Done.

 

Sounds cold but he changed how he felt . You STRONGLY need to read a million posts here to SEE what you did to prolong your suffering to the point where he says " Leave me Alone ".

 

Next time you can step out gracefully and come out looking better.

 

Take this as lesson learned