How do I get over him????

[Guest]

This is gonna be long but any advice is much welcome...

 

So 7 years ago I met what I thought was the perfect man, we started dating and had TONS of fun together...we soon decided that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together and then a few months later found out I was pregnant...we decided not to rush getting married..so we waited until our daughter was 9 months old before we did.

 

We had not even been married 2 years and working at the same place..I was a CSR and he was a floor walker (helps new employees with our systems) and he met a girl....I noticed he was spending a lot of time on his cellphone but said he was playing games so didnt think much of it...then one night we get in a huge fight and he says he's not happy...he leaves but not even for a week within 5 days he calls home crying that he wants to be with me and our daughter...things go back to being great...but then he sleeps in one day and I find a message on his cell from a girl that said she loved and missed him...I confronted him about it and he said she was having problems in her relationship and just needed a friend...so I tell this girl to leave my husband alone..she then tells me about the affair she and him have been having for months!!! So we work out our issues and move on with our lives...

 

fast forward 5 years....I start to notice that he is hiding his cell again and that all of a sudden he wants our daughter to go to a babysitter because Im not accertive enough with her...He has mentioned that he has a friend that he talks to alot because she is going through the same problems with her husband...thats when bells start ringing in my head...OH NO NOT AGAIN...so I watch...a few months go by and Im noticing that they are talking ALOT!! I asked him to take me to a dr because my blood sugar was high..he said no he had to work the next day..so i call anyways to get an appt. and cant get in til Wed...I tried calling his phone 15-20 times and NO answer...so I call him at work..but the place he works for is CLOSED for the holiday...I call this "friend" to find out if she knows whats going on...but she isnt home..she out shopping...her mom and I start talking about how much my husband and her daughter are talking (she is recently seperated from her husband and was living with her parents at the time) so her mom offers to call her to see if she knows whats going on cause Im worried...not even 10 minutes after her mom called her my husband called me...said he was up north driving around and looking at some stuff at stores...ok no biggie...but then a few hours later I get a call from her mom..she's like I thought he was up north shopping..but his car is parked down south at a hotel...he still wont tell me where he was that day..says he wasnt with her so it doesnt matter...then about 3 weeks ago crap started to hit the fan...I have told him time and time again that I dont trust this "friendship"...well her mom called me about a letter she wrote..that clearly states she and my husband have intentions of dating after he and I divorce...EYE OPENER...we have never talked about divorce...then I start gettting emails from her family that she sent to them talking about how her and my husband have made plans for their future when he can get out of our marriage..so on May 23rd I left him...and like a fool on May 28th I go to have a talk with him about what our future holds...he tells me that its complicated but he does still love me and that he does want things to work out..says that he feels we should stay seperated and go to counseling to work things out...we kiss and love on eachother...Monday comes along and I stop by to see him cause he has our daughter for the weekend..again we kiss and love on eachother...he drops our daughter off with me and says he's gonna go watch a movie but will see me tomorrow for counseling...we kiss and he leaves...then its bedtime for the lil one and I notice that he didnt bring the lil bear she sleeps with..so Im like Ill just run up and get it...but...he's not home..no..he's out at her cousins house playing cards (where they meet everynight because I have also found out that this is the BABYSITTER he had set up for our daughter)...so I get in the van to see if the lil bear is in there its not but his cell is...and I find a message from her that says...I love you!!!...so I ripped his shirt off him called him everyname in the book..and he just kept saying what happened after lastnight we had such a good talk...Im like HELLO your out here with her and know I see this message..he actually says to me you couldnt see a message my phone was locked...

 

So this week has been very interesting I found out that she told a family member of hers that YES she is in love with my husband..that YES they are planning on having a future together...that my husband has told her that he only tells me he loves me to play mind games with me because he wants custody of our daughter...

 

I am so hurt by all this but still wonder what hes doing all the time..still love him...I just want to harden my heart and get over him...like my parents keep saying...he's done it twice now..if he ends it with her for me know...he'll just do it again in the future....SO ANY HELP is WELCOME...thanks!!!

[AMBERINVEGAS]

My Boyfriend Works With A Girl Tera Tara, Or Whatever Her Name Is. She Is Married And Has A Child.

 

A Friend Tipped Me Off That They Had Been Text Messaging Each Other At Work And Calling Each Other. I Confront Him Deny Deny Deny 'oh She Is Just A Friend".

 

Fine..i Will Let That Go. Until I Find His Phone..like You He Had Been Hiding His Phone. Not Like Before Where He Would Charge It Where He Usually Would

 

This Past April 24, 2006 I'm Freaking Because I Have Bad Anxiety "gee I Wonder Why". He Says He's Going To His Sisters House At 7:30 Pm.

 

I Call Him At 8:30 And Can Tell That He Is Still Driving. It's Doesn't Take But 15 Mins To Get To His Sisters House.

 

I Call Every 15 Mins And Message Him Like A Mad Woman From 9pm Until 3am When He Walks In The Door.

 

I Say...cause Now I'm Like Havinga Nervous Breakdown..where Were You? Why Didn't You Answer My Phone Or Answer My Text Messages? He Says" I Didn't Hear It".

 

That Night After He Passes Out I Go To His Truck. There Is A Cooler In The Back Of His Truck With Beer And A Sleeping Bag (red Flag)

 

Next Day I Ask..why Do You Have A Cooler With Beer In The Back Of Your Truck. His Response. "well My Sister Didnt Have Enough Room In Her Fridge".

 

So More Snooping Because I Have That Right. I Find A Receipt That Says He Got Gas At 9pm Near Where He Works, And Bought Beer Right Next To The Store He Works At.

 

Ok, He Left At 7:30 And All Of This Should Have Been Bought Before...plus His Sister Lives On The Other Side Of Town.

 

So He Is A Liar....me Being Smarter Then Him....look Online At The Cell Phone Billing, Sure Enough Everyday Anywhere From 5-20 Times A Day They Tera And Joel Text And Call Each Other Through Out The Day, Even Though They Work In The Same Place.

 

I Go To His Phone, Because I Finally Found It. I Open And Holy Grail..there Is A Message From Her Saying "lets Go To Dinner Tomorrow, My Husband Is Out Of Town, Plus I Want To Finish What We Started.

 

Joel Is Lucky I Didn't Smother Him. I Woke Him And He Said He Knows Nothing About It And That "she Is Having Problems And Needs A Friend".

 

I'm Not Done Yet. I Text Her And Say "knock It Off And Leave Him Alone".

 

She Has The Nerve To Write Back And Said, It's Not My Fault You Can't Please Your Man And Someone Else Has To..

 

So Me And The Whore..are Arguing Back And Forth.

 

Joel Finds Out..who Does He Blame? Me...! "you Shouldn't Have Talked To Her, She Is Not Telling The Truth".

 

Oh Yeah...why On The Night Of April 24 Which Turned Into April 25 You Spoke To Her For Over 20 At 3 Am.? He Says? I Can't Remember.

 

Fine...

 

Here We Go Again. I Dont Trust Him We Fight Everyday, He Said He Told Her To Stop..but Yet When I Asked Him To Call Her In Front Of Me, He Wont Do It. "no Balls".

 

This Passed Week. He Tells Me "that Girl Is Coming Into My Department To Work With Me'...i Say "that Girl", f***er I Know What Girl You're Talking About.

 

That Begins A Fight. I Text Her And Tell Her To Leave Me And Him Alone. Again, What Nerve She Has. She Tells Me Details Of Their Sex Acts And When.

 

She Said..remember When He Told You He Was Going To Pick Up His Tools? Well, He Was Banging Me.

 

Remember When He Said He Was Going To His Sisters...remember Any White Cooler And Sleeping Bag? I Was With Him Then.

 

She Says, I Love It When He Bites My Lower Lip When He Kisses Me. And He Loves What I Do To Him Because Im Good At It.

 

She Says...your Fat An Ugly And No Wonder He Wants Someone Like Me.

 

Ok, Im Not Fat I'm Only 5'2 And 133 Am I Ugly? Average I Say...i Do Get Asked Out A Lot.

 

The Thing Is..he Still Denied What She Said And Says She Is A Liar.

 

I Am Numb Now. He Cried And Gave Me The Oh Please There Is No Other Girl Out There For Me...please Dont Ever Leave Me.

 

But Yet...he Still Sees The Girl.

 

I'm Numb. We Have Been Together For 4 Years. I'm Done Crying And Taking Xanax To Stop Myself From Totally Losing My Mind.

 

Walk On Eggshells And Save Money To Get Out. Be Stealth, Do Not Tell Him When Or Where. But You Have A Child. But Leave Get Out..i Know You Love Him But He Will Do This Over And Over And Over Again. Why? Because You Won't Do Anything To Stop Him.

 

Get Out..i Know It Will Hurt, See A Counselor, Take Antidepressants If You Should Get Out. Or The Rest Of Your Life You Will Always Worry, The No Trust Will Keep You Fighting. He's An a**h***.

[whichwayisup]

Start keeping track of what he does/doesn't do. As for you and your child, he is considering leaving you for another woman. I highly doubt the courts will take away your daughter from you. Start talking to a lawyer.

 

Your husband is an idiot if you don't mind me saying so. He's selfish and has shown you no effort to try to make the marriage work. Separating and going to marriage counselling doesn't cut it and him still 'dating' the OW is not any good for fixing the marriage.

 

Look at this at HIS LOSS, not yours. He's a cheater and has no intention of stopping. Let him go be with the OW, see how long that lasts. Maybe then he'll understand the consquences of his selfish actions.

 

I know it hurts, and you're devastated. All I can tell is, talk to your family, stay close with your daughter. Focus ALL your energy into your daughter, because she's hurting as well. Losing her own security and way of life that a child needs. You are a good mother so don't let your husband make you think otherwise. Stay strong and don't show him ANY weakness. You can cry when he's not there...Seeing you cry makes HIM feel like the dominate one, so again, stay strong.

 

Hugs, and keep posting. There are lots of people here who have been through this so hopefully they can offer you more advice.

[Love Hurts]

How sad for you. Your still trying to hold on to your husband the family life you two have.

 

He is a fox his game plan now is how can I get out of this and not worry about child support and alimony and who gets what?

 

The new female and he have spent countless hours discussing his financial situation in the aftermath of divorce and the best way for them to have more cash to spend is if he keeps your daughter.

 

It gets ugly. You are not assertive enough with your daughter so he proposes a baby sitter.... good reason .. that is a slap in the face of your mother hood.

 

Men in his position will say you have bi-polar disorder or find some ugly reason to suggest you are unfit to raise the child.

 

He may move into the PFA mode... which is a document that keeps you out of the home and away from your child.

 

Men out of control on a roll get ugly....

 

This is not always nice... You need to look down the road.. difficult as it is for you at this moment... you my dear are still holding onto love.

He on the other hand is undermining you........ schemeing and planning on a future without you and how can he have more...

 

Get busy......... there goes the bank account... those two in the

South Pacific sipping margarittas and you can't afford milk.

 

Time to wake up... get a plan.... Get a divorce lawyer... try to tuck some money away now...............

You will have no cash coming in for a few months until the legalities get settled.

Tough to live on your paycheck alone each month, when you are establihed as a two income household.

 

If you own your home.. you may have to sell and split it 50/50 unless you can assume the mortgage payments and give him a check for his share of the cost of the home.

 

It all depends on your attorney and how weak he or she is. A strong attorney can get you so much. He could be left with his clothes on his back ... a little exageration here.. but it is the bulldog

attorney that you want on your side. You do not want one of those against you.

 

You are entitiled to spousel support and child support.

It helps until you get on your feet and we all know children have needs, wants and desires.

 

The road ahead will come with much pain and heartach.......

I don't envy you... but you can make it.. just get a plan.... don't sit in the dark and think it will all work itself out...

 

One more thing, personal family heirlooms or something you favor...

If you want to be certain your daughter ends up with them and not the new female that may breeze in and out of his life with your personal possessions .... you may want to store them at your mothers until this settles...

 

I've seen the new females acquire the cast away wifes treasures and when she splits.. there they go..........

 

Your grandmothers gifts to you will mean nothing to her.

 

Ok,, I hope I gave you enough information to get you into the energized mode of wild cat.

Get your claws out............. get ready to fight and win.

 

Do it for yourself and your daughter. You need to be strong.

 

Good luck..