how to pay for your mistake?

[growingpain]

hi, this is a bit long, but if you have time...

 

just want to get some of your experience or thoughts about this. actually, the subject should of been this, "what is the best thing to do for the kid, mother and father?"

 

this is hypothetical, but i bet this is more than real for many people.

 

say you are 18, and you got a girl(same age) pregnant in a night of passion. and the girl choose to keep the baby; she loves him, but he doesnt, the relationship was starting to go down the toilet.

 

now, the girl thinks they should get marry so that the baby would grow up in a family with a dad and mom. so that the child wouldnt be looked at differently by the other kids, and whatever other prejudice he would get by being with out both parents by other people.

 

but the father wants a future, like going to college. not stuck there raising the kid and have arguments with the 'wife' and personal regrets (like meeting the real miss right). but he is also trying to be reponsible for this unplanned pregnancy. remember, he made a mistake. financially he is barely making it, either raise the family or go to college.

 

yes, this question is more concerned with the guy.

 

tough choice, what would you do?

[Carrie]

Night of passion or not, it takes two to make a baby. I know the guy may want a future and may want to experience life, but unfortunately circumstance has thrown him a loop and he should take responsibility for his actions. In other words, when you decide to have children, basically your life isn't your own anymore, you have little tiny people to think about and until your child turns 18, you're responsible for them. That's why they tell young people to live they're lives to the fullest during their youth and not to get married and have kids until they've sewn their wild oats.

 

As for the marriage part, you and this girl should definitely not get married. You two don't love each other and all you'll do is resent each other. Why would you do that? If you loved her, definitely marry her, but when people say "Oh we're doing it for the child" it's a mistake. Do you want your child to grow up in an environment where he/she has two parents that resent and dislike each other and constantly fight. That's not a healthy situation for environment for a child to be in. The guy should definitely be there for both the child and the woman both financially and physically, but the couple will be miserable and make the child miserable and most likely the parents will end up divorcing anyway. Both parents should support each other, be friends, show respect for each other and always stay in each others lives for the kids sake, but both parents should find someone they love and let the child see their parents in happy healthy relationship, even if it's not right away.

[Ed]

A guy pays for a "mistake" like this by becoming a man and responsible father. He supports the child he fathered, in any way necessary, whether he is in love with the mother or not.

 

Getting married or staying married is not always the best thing to do. It depends on the couple. There is less stigma today than there once was for children of divorced or never married parents.

 

There are untold numbers of single parents who have found a way to go to college while still supporting their children. I assure you it can be done.

 

People who participate in adult activities have to accept the adult consequences of the choices they make.

[Cess]

Once you make the decision to have sex, you must face all consequences. I think marriage should not be a possibility if you are not in love. Marriage is a commitment to someone through thick and through thin. It is to be taken very seriously. My brother got his girlfriend pregnant and my father forced them to get married. BIG mistake, she ended up being a psycho and now he is paying for it. You took the responsibility having sex and you need to pay the price. We all know what could happen from making love to someone. Just remember that in a few months that there is going to be this baby who needs you and relies on you. You are the father and should be proud. This is not a mistake but a surprise. If you get married to this girl for the wrong reasons, what kind of values will you show this child? In todays world you can have a baby out of wedlock. I think sometimes we forget what marriage symbolizes. Take care of your baby. Be a man and be a father. This is all hypothetical of course. Good luck!

hi, this is a bit long, but if you have time...

 

just want to get some of your experience or thoughts about this. actually, the subject should of been this, "what is the best thing to do for the kid, mother and father?" this is hypothetical, but i bet this is more than real for many people. say you are 18, and you got a girl(same age) pregnant in a night of passion. and the girl choose to keep the baby; she loves him, but he doesnt, the relationship was starting to go down the toilet.

 

now, the girl thinks they should get marry so that the baby would grow up in a family with a dad and mom. so that the child wouldnt be looked at differently by the other kids, and whatever other prejudice he would get by being with out both parents by other people. but the father wants a future, like going to college. not stuck there raising the kid and have arguments with the 'wife' and personal regrets (like meeting the real miss right). but he is also trying to be reponsible for this unplanned pregnancy. remember, he made a mistake. financially he is barely making it, either raise the family or go to college. yes, this question is more concerned with the guy. tough choice, what would you do?

[velvet]

Im 23 myself, the man Im in love with is 22. I personally typed his child support/ spousal alimony agreement, equitable distribution agreement, custody agreement, divorce agreement, and post seperation agreement. Plus several offers to his wife and wife's attorney.

 

They lived together for eleven months. She is much older, wiser, more manipulative. He is now living at home with his parents and sees his daughter every other weekend. He didnt ask to be a dad. But he is a great dad. In the almost ten years that I have known him he introduced me to his daughter a few weeks ago for the first time. He only married for the child. The marriage and divorce messed his life and mind up to a certain degree. He is afraid of women and will not have a closer relationhip with me other than sex because of it. His ex wife ruined my relationship with him. He says if I hadnt of moved out of state for so long I could have had him. But I did move away for five years and I came back to this. Im in love with a man who wont have simply because of his past relationship. Divorce is one of the hardest things to go through in life. I personally think it even tops death. Though I stay a friend to him because I cant avoid him. I continue to live in a state of confusion and our relationship is a strong love/hate one.

 

My advice is dont get married without a pre-nup. agreement.

Night of passion or not, it takes two to make a baby. I know the guy may want a future and may want to experience life, but unfortunately circumstance has thrown him a loop and he should take responsibility for his actions. In other words, when you decide to have children, basically your life isn't your own anymore, you have little tiny people to think about and until your child turns 18, you're responsible for them. That's why they tell young people to live they're lives to the fullest during their youth and not to get married and have kids until they've sewn their wild oats. As for the marriage part, you and this girl should definitely not get married. You two don't love each other and all you'll do is resent each other. Why would you do that? If you loved her, definitely marry her, but when people say "Oh we're doing it for the child" it's a mistake. Do you want your child to grow up in an environment where he/she has two parents that resent and dislike each other and constantly fight. That's not a healthy situation for environment for a child to be in. The guy should definitely be there for both the child and the woman both financially and physically, but the couple will be miserable and make the child miserable and most likely the parents will end up divorcing anyway. Both parents should support each other, be friends, show respect for each other and always stay in each others lives for the kids sake, but both parents should find someone they love and let the child see their parents in happy healthy relationship, even if it's not right away.

[witchbreed]

First of all, if you dont love her, dont marry her. On the other hand you will have to take responsibility for your child. You might have to work more besides college and therefore it might take you longer to go through college and that is hard - but the baby needs both parents, emotionaly and financially.

 

I am 39 and was born out of wedlock, back then that was a really bad thing. My natural mother was kicked out by her parents, the natural father denied parenthood and my natural mother died giving birth to me. I was lucky to get adopted, my natural mothers godfather asked my parents to adopt me. It took over 4 months to get the adoption through, since my parents were married only 4 months when I was born and I stayed in hospital all this time.

 

This history has made me very insecure of being worthy of love and extremly mistrusting when it comes to men. I have had relationsships before now, but I have always kept most of myself to myself. Only now I am really overcoming this and for the first time I really love, trust and respect a man.

 

So please, for the kids sake, have a relationsship with the kid. Spend every other weekend, an evening a week with it. Having a relationsship with the kid will make your hardships worthwhile too. To have to work hard for someone you love is easier then to have to give money to someone you have no relationsship. And I am sure, in time, you will enjoy your kid, bask in the love and give back that love. Dont deprieve yourself and the kid.

 

Its hard now on the other hand you will still be young when this kid is a teenager, a young adult and there will be much you can share and enjoy together.

 

As for your gf, be there as a friend, take respponsilbitly as a parent. You both are better of, to stay friends then feeling forced into a commitement you dont feel - there would be too much danger of starting to resent and hate each other and that would be the worst for the kiddie.