SmittenSexyKitten Posted June 5, 2006 Share Posted June 5, 2006 At lunch on Friday he called me to see what time I would be at his house for the weekend. He blew kisses as he got off the phone... I was a bit cold because we had a fight on Thursday night over nothing...he had a bad day and I had a bad day and we were snappish with each other. Thursday night's fight lasted about 30 min....nothing major. On Friday I was still upset because I thought he was wrong to take his bad day out on me...so I told him that I was still upset. Heated fight ensued...and he says I'm sick of arguing with you it's over. He becomes cold and keeps repeating its over its over...over and over and over again. He was furious.....We have been getting along great. We have been together for 10 months...only fought on one topic the whole time that we have been together...his ex gf. (who by the way sends me an email when she sees that he changed his myspace page from 'in a relationship' to 'single' and her email says "Good riddance bitch...it's only a week or two before I have your man") His ex has been on a campaign to break us up...he asked me to ignore her and that she could never come between us. AND the break up fight was not about her....it was over...nothing... He is angry...furious...he had a bad week,,,,I had a bad week and he is upset that we fought. But ... We went from being in love...lovey dovey and within 24 hours it's over? When I called on Saturday to beg him to not say things he would regret...he said it was over and not to call him or I would ruin my chances of ever being back together with him. He says it is all my fault. That I take him at his word a little bit too literally...so he has to watch what he says. Just a bunch of stuff that didn't make any sense... If he is just mad...how long will it take him to cool off... If he isn't just mad...how did this just come out of the blue...believe me there were NO signs...NONE....(Last fight about the ex gf was 3 mos ago) I am so devastated... I want to call him I want to go over and just hug him and find out what is wrong I love him... I'm scared what do I do? Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted June 5, 2006 Share Posted June 5, 2006 When I called on Saturday to beg him to not say things he would regret...he said it was over and not to call him or I would ruin my chances of ever being back together with him. He says it is all my fault. That I take him at his word a little bit too literally...so he has to watch what he says. Just a bunch of stuff that didn't make any sense... I want to call him I want to go over and just hug him and find out what is wrong I love him... I'm scared what do I do? One tactic is to take him at his word. He said don't call, so don't call. He's blaming you for all of it, but everyone knows that communication goes both directions. In a new relationship sometimes it takes time to get to the point where a dumb fight doesn't look like the end of everything. If it's truly over, and this is all it takes, then whether you call him or not won't matter. If he really digs you and doesn't want to lose you, then it shouldn't hurt for you to give him time to cool off. He wouldn't let it go to far. Link to post Share on other sites
Kittiecat Posted June 5, 2006 Share Posted June 5, 2006 Playing with "it's over" is like playing with fire. What is he doing? I would watch him closely and not call him at all. Let him come back to you (hopefully with a little groveling). His ex sounds a bit ruthless so watch out. He might not be worth the aggravation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SmittenSexyKitten Posted June 5, 2006 Author Share Posted June 5, 2006 One tactic is to take him at his word. He said don't call, so don't call. He's blaming you for all of it, but everyone knows that communication goes both directions. In a new relationship sometimes it takes time to get to the point where a dumb fight doesn't look like the end of everything. If it's truly over, and this is all it takes, then whether you call him or not won't matter. If he really digs you and doesn't want to lose you, then it shouldn't hurt for you to give him time to cool off. He wouldn't let it go to far. Yes but won't pride & ego come into affect once he cools off that he made such a vibrado about it being over. Is there a way I can make it easier for him...As a therapist once said..."You may know your right...but do you want to be right or do you want to be happy."I just want to be happy again...we were soooo happy and then this...I'm so scared. He was screaming his head off that he was doing this because I don't believe he cares about me. That everytime he tells me he cares I say 'no you don't' (which is not true...I have said that to him but only when he is acting like he doesn't care...I also know know that I shouldhave said 'well you are not acting like it right now' versus 'no you don't' as that seemingly really hurt him). But you know what...to do what he is doing right now...is a good example of him not seeming like he cares very much. Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted June 5, 2006 Share Posted June 5, 2006 Yes but won't pride & ego come into affect once he cools off that he made such a vibrado about it being over. Is there a way I can make it easier for him...As a therapist once said...I just want to be happy again...we were soooo happy and then this...I'm so scared. He was screaming his head off that he was doing this because I don't believe he cares about me. That everytime he tells me he cares I say 'no you don't' (which is not true...I have said that to him but only when he is acting like he doesn't care...I also know know that I shouldhave said 'well you are not acting like it right now' versus 'no you don't' as that seemingly really hurt him). But you know what...to do what he is doing right now...is a good example of him not seeming like he cares very much. When I called it a tactic, I didn't mean as in "game". Like you're having a test of wills. It's a tactic for preserving your own sanity in the short term and in the long term. Giving him time to cool off is not a bad thing, because regardless of pride and ego, if he loves you he'll put you first. He might need time to re-think his own behavior, and he'll be more likely to do that if he senses you're doing some thinking of your own. You need to have enough self-respect so that you don't roll onto your back like a puppy when you get in touch again. The goal is not just to have a relationship, but to have a relationship based on respect and forgiveness. He isn't showing much of either. You need to see those things before you make it easy to get back. Otherwise, you'll have to earn them later when it's harder. Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted June 5, 2006 Share Posted June 5, 2006 That everytime he tells me he cares I say 'no you don't' (which is not true...I have said that to him but only when he is acting like he doesn't care...I also know know that I shouldhave said 'well you are not acting like it right now' versus 'no you don't' as that seemingly really hurt him). I can confirm that that is extremely irritating. My ex did that. It's infuriating when you're trying to make a point. It's a habit I recommend you break. Learn to listen to him and let him make his point. And trust him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SmittenSexyKitten Posted June 5, 2006 Author Share Posted June 5, 2006 Learn to listen to him and let him make his point. And trust him.Broken...I pray I get the chance. Link to post Share on other sites
daphne Posted June 5, 2006 Share Posted June 5, 2006 smitten, I'm only hearing a little bit of your side of the story but... This guy sounds like a hothead that is wielding some sort of power of you. he sounds like a complete ass and you don't seem to have enough self respect to realize he's being that way. I don't care what you said about him not caring, a guy that's really crazy about you isn't going to disrespect you by repeating to you that it's over. Yes, he'll regret it. But only if you respect yourself and walk away with your dignity. I promise you, in retrospect you'll wish you did. Sitting and taking that kind of crap will break your self esteem (it sounds pretty low as it is), especially with the additional ex girlfriend crap that's going on. I would be pissed if someone acted like that to me. But I no longer allow someone to crap over my self respect. If you don't value yourself above someone who's treating you poorly, you will never get what you deserve. Link to post Share on other sites
dancehead Posted June 5, 2006 Share Posted June 5, 2006 It sounds to me that hes treating you badly and you are better off without sombody like that. I wonder if the ex gf is the cause of his strange behaviour? Leave him alone and let him sort himself out. If he wants you he'll come grovelling back. And make sure you move on in the meantime. Link to post Share on other sites
Nur Posted June 6, 2006 Share Posted June 6, 2006 If he's that eager to throw the relationship away, let him. Next time maybe he'll take it more seriously with someone else. It looks like he was fishing for excuses to let you go; mature people in relationships don't act like that. It'll be hard, but I wouldn't take him back if I were you. It looks like his true face is beginning to show. Link to post Share on other sites
Spitkicker Posted June 6, 2006 Share Posted June 6, 2006 too be honest.. i think you're not telling us all the little things that you've been doing to make him lose interest. You're just in denial over rejection and might even be treating this like a game of who wins back the ex first. In my experience it takes a lot for a guy to break up with a girl, that he truly cares for. the best advice i can give you is for you guys to keep your distance from each other because right now you can't do jack until he makes a move. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
ddnnee Posted June 7, 2006 Share Posted June 7, 2006 i wouldn't be suprised to find out later that you are dating another guy and when your boyfriend calls you, you tell him "i'm dating another guy!" happened to me. I asked my gf to bnot call me for 1 week because she pissed me off so badly. so one week later, i called and she was dating someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SmittenSexyKitten Posted June 7, 2006 Author Share Posted June 7, 2006 too be honest.. i think you're not telling us all the little things that you've been doing to make him lose interest. You're just in denial over rejection and might even be treating this like a game of who wins back the ex first. In my experience it takes a lot for a guy to break up with a girl, that he truly cares for. the best advice i can give you is for you guys to keep your distance from each other because right now you can't do jack until he makes a move. Good luck Actually, I believe it takes two. Did we have a poly-anna perfect relationship no. Was I a poly-anny perfect girlfriend...no - but I was pretty close. He lives 38 miles from me but wanted to spend every minute of his free time with me...but always wanted me in his space rather then come to mine. In the 10mos we were together he spent the night at my house 3 times and we spent EVERYWEEKEND SINCE AUGUST 7 TOGETHER. I would drive on Friday night in Los Angeles traffic the 1 hour 40 minutes happily to be at his side but we did have a few tense discussions about me feeling that it was one sided. Even when my car was inoperable I took the commuter rail out to see him Then there was the issue of his ex. He wanted to preserve their friendship and although he thought of her only as an ex...that is not what she thought of him. She would call on the weekends that she knew we were together at 8, then 9 then 10 then 11 then 12:30 then 1am... For the first 5 months we were together I would be angry at him for not taking her call in front of me...wondering why? She would leave messages on her myspace page about him choosing another instead of her and about her heartbreak. I implored him to do something about it and he was just like ignore it...it was pretty hard to ignore. In March I found out that he would lie to me about spending time with 'other' friends when he was making plans to hang out with her. Do I think it was a romantic 'sneak around' thing...no. I really honestly don't...he says he knew it would cause an argument if I knew, but it is the principal. THAT is the only thing we have argued about repeatedly. I will take fault for telling him that he doesn't care when he said he did. Y'know I only really did that when we were arguing... He is the type that would rather show it than say it. But he really only said "I care about you" in the middle of a fight and it was my defensive reaction to say 'no you don't'. But I would tell him how lucky I was to have him everyday. I am confused because this fight came out of the blue. He said, "I think we argue too much." and I was like we have only argued about your ex - that's not fair...you were lying and sneaking around. Then he would say, "well you say I don't care about you when I do" and I was like honey you know I know how much you care about me...about us. Then he would say..."It's just over" He slammed down the phone... Is a year really gone in a heated argument over nothing or does he just need space or something? I am so confused. It is Wednesday and he did this on Friday. I IM'd him but yahoo said he wasn't logged in and he has not responded yet. Yesterday, I left a message for him on my myspace blog...that only he can access as a preferred friend. I do think 1 other thing is going on...my life is upheaval. I am having major surgery on the 26th of this month. My landlord has just gone wack-o and has started an unlawful eviction against me. I have been trying to shield this from him for awhile by not talking or crying about it...but the week of the 'break up'. I told him that I was scared. I told him that I felt nothing in my life was secure. I think he felt my pressure and felt like he couldn't help me. He has to live at home and help his family as his dad just passed away. His car was totalled and lives 38 miles away and didn't even know how he would get out to see me after my surgery...he said he would try but he knew how much that bothered me. I don't need him to solve my problems but I need his arms to hold me and support me and he is gone.... I am freaked out, scared, hurt, angry and confused. Our relationship can't just be over just like that...can it? In a fit of rage in an argument over nothing? Help! Link to post Share on other sites
YellowLioness Posted June 7, 2006 Share Posted June 7, 2006 Wow- First off, I'm really sorry that you're going through so much at one time. What a rough experience. Try to keep your chin up! Second, I'd like to tell you to not make any rash decesions concerning this guy until you are stable. He sounds like a jerk who enjoys lots of female attention to the exclusion of your feelings. Honestly, doesn't sound like he's worth whatever tears you've cried for him. Let his ex have him. Sounds like they deserve eachother. And, to answer your question: it doesn't matter how long you've been together- relationships, like car crashes, can be over in seconds. Nothing in life is ever a guarentee. Keep your chin up. Loose the loser. *hugs* Link to post Share on other sites
the_alchemyst Posted June 7, 2006 Share Posted June 7, 2006 Yes, it can. Mine was. But that's on the surface. If he blew up this much so out of the blue, it was because there are some things he's not telling you. For example, he told you he gets annoyed by you telling him he doesn't care when is telling you that he does. Things like those build resentment and that's why sometimes something utterly insignificant that should be brushed off is not: because it serves as an outlet for all the things he or you or both have been harboring against each other. Bad communication. My relationship ended over me being miffed at something he said. I tried to get over it on the spot but he instead blew up and called it quits. I guess the unsaid can deal much damage. I DO hope it turns out well for you, though. I'll keeo my fingers crossed. What can you do? Talk to him. Tell him that you understand he is mad and that you are sorry if you blew things out of proportion (only if this is how you feel), and then tell him he knows where to find you once he has cooled off. Give him time, but also let him know that things on your end are okay, if not things may get even more tangled. Ego may very well get in the way, but there is nothing you can do about it. Just like his love, his ego comes from within. Only he can and will decide which he feels is stronger. Ultimately, whether he lets it get in the way or not is up to him. Yes, unfortunately. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SmittenSexyKitten Posted June 9, 2006 Author Share Posted June 9, 2006 Like an idiot...I IM'd him again last night...and then tried calling him and he didn't answer. I can't take this. There is a hollow feeling in my chest. I just don't understand....I cry myself to sleep everynight. I am waking up at like 5 in the morning and just lay there and cry. I can't take this anymore Link to post Share on other sites
swirly27 Posted June 9, 2006 Share Posted June 9, 2006 Smitten, I am so sorry to hear you in so much pain. Can I ask how old you guys are, not that it makes a world of difference, just wondering. Have you been thru any hard break-ups before? If so, just remember like the others, with time, it will get easier. Not too long ago I thought I wouldn't be able to go thru one day not thinking about my ex every minute and it is not the case anymore. I actually have a new ex after him, so thats a good thing. lol But, after reading your posts, it sounds very shady to me that his ex had such a huge part in hurting you guys' relationship and you didn't sound like the jealous clingy type - any human being would be upset if their man's/woman's ex kept calling constantly when they knew they had moved on - but yet he didn't put a stop to it and thats red flag #1. If you were a priority and she was truly an ex then he should have put you guys' relationship first. Did he break up with that ex or did she dump him? Just remember, only you can decide what is best for you, but you always will look back in retrospect and realize you owed yourself more self-respect and thats way easier said than done, but you calling and IM'ing isn't going to help, it will only make it worse, for you mostly. You need to realize how great you are and if he doesn't see it, someone else more worthy will. You'll only feel worse when you lose someone and feel like you've lost your own self respect too. People fight and say things and maybe there were more things going on for him that he didn't relay to you - I agree that it sounds like he was fishing for excuses to end it. All I can say is keep yourself busy and throw yourself into a project. When I went thru my horrible breakup 2 yrs ago, I too had alot on my plate - a totaled car accident, slight weight gain (which the breakup helped me lose LOL) and all other kinds of things that seem to weigh down, but you just need to focus on godd stuff, spend time with good friends, invest in good ice cream and before you know it, it will be better and easier - and by the time he may try coming back around, YOU may be the one who realizes you don't want him. Relationships are never easy so I wish you the best of luck! Link to post Share on other sites
LifeinLimbo Posted June 9, 2006 Share Posted June 9, 2006 To me, it sounds as though your guy just needs to cool off. If he had a really, really bad week and then fought with you he's probably feeling that you don't support him. I'm sure that this is not the case but people can be short sighted, especially when emotional. Don't call him, don't e-mail him, just leave him alone. He'll likely realize that he overreacted and took out his frustrations on you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SmittenSexyKitten Posted June 11, 2006 Author Share Posted June 11, 2006 Click here for update: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=90220 Link to post Share on other sites
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