How do i encourage my fiance to quit smoking?

[pink_butter2003]

when i met rog two years ago, he was smoking; so was i. he said he was gonna quit. i learned he had been smoking since he was 12; that makes 22 years this year. i quit smoking december last year, and i have never looked back. it was not too hard for me to quit i think coz i had only smoked for a little over one year (from mid-2004 to 2005) due to a very stressful time. well, rog still smokes, although he has cut down from TWO PACKS A DAY to a pack a day. so i guess i should be happy? however, he has been down to that for about 3 months now; it's as if he has hit a plateau. how do i encourage him to totally give up smoking? is there something i can do? his grandma just died from lung cancer and you would think this would scare him into smoking even another of those cancer sticks, but he still goes on! if i bring it up too often, he accuses me of nagging and we end up arguing. we live together and since i have quit, i am really worried about all the second-hand smoke i'm getting from him, plus i can't stand the smell of cigarettes! but at the same time, he is a great guy and this smoking thing is really the only thing that bothers me in our relationship. he says he is trying, but i don't think he is trying enough; and he has not set a quit date. can someone out there give me some advice on this, please. is there something i can do to help him quit sooner? i am really worried that smoking all these years will start taking its toll on his body. i love these guy and i would really appreciate some advice from you guys. thanks.

[Art_Critic]

Take him to the cancer lab in the hospital and show him how he will die..

 

 

Smokers either die of cancer or die of something smoking related..

 

They don't put that warning on the packs because cancer is a good thing.

 

By the way.. congrats on quiting.. high five

[Sand&Water]

Art_Critic said very sound advice. Also take him to the morgue, show him the cause of dead for the hundreds of loved ones people have lost.

 

Keep trying to convince him. Be supportive - show him the way, and don't give up.

 

Don't know what else to say. One last thing, tell him that you don't want to loose him - someone you dearly love.

[amaysngrace]

Or maybe you could give him an ultimatum...Quit smoking or lose you. You don't want your children to be with a dad who can't play ball in the backyard cause he can't breathe, and you don't want to be a widow in your 50's. You have legitimate concerns here for his health and for your future. Maybe you pushing him with all you've got (YOU) to quit, maybe this is just the thing he needs to set a date to stop once and for all.

 

I am in need of quitting too. I wish I didn't have this addiction, truly. But I think if the man I loved was so persistent about my quitting, I'd have more incentive to stop. JMO

[pink_butter2003]

Thank you, guys, for taking the time to give me some advice on how to help him quit smoking. you all must know i just joined this web site the other day (sunday) out of desperation, coz i have very few friends where i am mostly due to my shift (night) and due to that, i don't have much of a support system, and his smoking really does get to me at times. i didn't know that i would get replies so quickly, so thanks again. really appreciate it. please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. i do not want this smoking thing to be the cause of our break-up, but at the same time, i also do not want to forever live with a smoker. i was raised in a home where both my parents NEVER smoked or even drank. they still don't and are in their mid-50s, and both of them can outrun and outwalk me! seriously! they are so healthy and i wish to have a family like the one i was raised in. i am NEVER gonna give up encouraging him to stop smoking until he is successful. i try to gently ask him each day how he is doing on his plan to quit; sometimes i guess i come on too strong, then he complains that i am nagging him. but for the most part, i try my best to let him know that it is because i really do love him and i don't want to lose him due to some smoking-related disease. i am a nurse, and i have seen first-hand the devastation on the human body that this addiction causes. thanks, grace, for your comment on how you would have more incentive to quit if the man you loved was so persistent about your quitting. this kinda assured me that i am on the right track:) i don't think i should give him an ultimatum, though. he gave me his word that he IS gonna quit, i guess i just thought he meant immediately. so all i have to do now i guess is remain consistent, don't just get used to his smoking and give up encouraging him. i guess it must really be hard for most smokers to quit. i only smoked for about a year and even i had quite a hard time giving it up. thank God i am free from that addiction:) i do not even crave it now. i am completely free of it and i feel so much better, so much healthier than i used to feel. i hope those of you who still smoke and read this continue to try quitting. i read that people who keep on trying to quit smoking, even after being unsuccessful a few times, eventually gain success over this addiction, rather than people who only try once and give up forever.

[BrandonBP]

"How do i encourage my fiance to quit smoking?"

Leave him. He'll do whatever you tell him.

 

My wife-to-be left and I stopped drinking, started going to church, and have lost 20 lbs. It's a big motivator.

[PuppyDogEyes]

he says he is trying, but i don't think he is trying enough; and he has not set a quit date. can someone out there give me some advice on this, please. is there something i can do to help him quit sooner?

 

I am an ex-smoker who had tried many times in the past to quit. And unfortunately, I can tell you from experience that he won't quit until he is ready to quit. He needs to quit because he wants to, not because you tell him he must or because he's killing himself. Society approval of smoking is at an all-time low, and don't think he doesn't know it. He already knows that it's time to seriously consider what he's doing to himself, his health, his loved ones, etc. But the more you tell him he needs to quit, he needs to quit, the more resentful and angry he's going to get. That's a sure sign that he is not ready.

 

Quitting smoking is a process - as each day passes, you realize what is behind the "smokescreen". You lose so much of yourself when you smoke - your feelings, your confidence, your health, your ability to do things. It's really an insidious thing. I'm over 1 year quit now, and I am still experiencing things that surprise me, shock me, make me sob helplessly... and yes, I'm enjoying life now. I can breathe, exercise, run, taste food again. I don't have to worry about dragging an oxygen tank around.

 

But your boyfriend will need to hit "rock bottom" himself - it's not any different than being an alcoholic, or addicted to cocaine or heroin, really. He has to be ready to quit. He has to be at a point where it's the cigarettes, or his life (be it a shocking thing like cancer, or waking up one day and deciding that he's tired of being an outcast, which is what smoking does to you).

 

i don't think i should give him an ultimatum, though. he gave me his word that he IS gonna quit, i guess i just thought he meant immediately. so all i have to do now i guess is remain consistent

 

All you're going to do using this tactic is drive him into being a "closet smoker". He'll quit "for you", but then he'll end up sneaking them when you're not around. And then he'll feel resentment because he feels like you're nagging him. Eventually it'll come to a point where he'll get tired of the charade, and the two of you will be back at square one. I've seen this happen over and over again.

 

There are three websites that have been instrumental in helping me to stay quit, and I'll give them to you here (please Google them - I don't know this site's policy about outside links).

 

First of all, there is a fabulous support group that I have used for years called QuitNet. Once I made my decision to quit smoking, this place was the first group I went to if I had a craving or just wanted to yell and scream it out. It's a truly wonderful place.

 

For an example of what smoking will do to you, please visit whyquit (dot com). Look up the story of a young man named Bryan Lee Curtis. It is absolutely horrifying, what happened to him. This man was not old - he was only in his early thirties! It's more proof of what can happen if you don't stop.

 

And finally, the best place to read up on motivation techniques - why do you smoke? - would be Allan Carr's "Quit Smoking Online" course. It will delve into the reasons why you smoke, and techniques and tips for fighting craves.

 

These are just a few places to start. But remember: you cannot force him to quit. He must do it for himself, when he's ready - it's his quit, and only his.

 

Good luck.

 

- pde.

1 year, 3 weeks quit smoking

 

P.S. You might also Google "Barb Tarbox". She was a Canadian mother and model who lost her life to brain cancer at the age of 42. She visited schools in Canada during the last 3 months of her life to show them what smoking will do. It's one of the main reasons why Canada has some of the toughest anti-smoking laws anywhere - all well and good, I say.

[pink_butter2003]

thanks, pde, for all your advice. you really helped open my eyes to a lot of stuff i never even thought about. this makes me sad, in a way, realizing that rog will only quit when HE is ready to quit, not because of me constantly "reminding" him or "encouraging" him to quit; but at least i heard from someone who actually went through all that.

 

CONGRATULATIONS to you for successfully giving up this terrible habit!!! how many years did you smoke before you quit? i picked up smoking for about a year (big mistake), thankfully, i have quit for good, since december 2005:) when i look back now, i can't believe i was so stupid to even start smoking at 29. (and i used to think you only got hooked on this if you started during your teen years) at first, i started coz some of my so-called "friends" at work took smoking breaks and i would be out there talking to them, after a while, i found myself trying a stick or two. fast-forward to a couple of months later, and i was up to half a pack, and increasing almost each week! thank God i am free of this scourge finally!

 

anyways, just three questions for you, if you can spare some more of your time to help me on this one: 1) you say i should not nag or remind him- is there ANYTHING at all i can do to help him that you would advice? or should i totally leave this battle to him? 2) his dad smokes, his brother and sisters smoke, all his friends smoke- i am the ONLY ONE he knows who does not smoke. is there any hope for him quitting successfully? 3) we plan to get married next year but this thing- his smoking- causes us to argue every now and then. would you suggest we put a hold on the wedding plan until he successfully quits? your thoughts on these questions please ... thank you again.

 

joy

[PuppyDogEyes]

I don't mind helping you at all. If it will assist you in getting perspective about this issue, I'll help all that I can.

 

how many years did you smoke before you quit?

 

I was a pack-a-day smoker from the age of 13 to 33 years old - a total of twenty years.

 

1) you say i should not nag or remind him- is there ANYTHING at all i can do to help him that you would advice? or should i totally leave this battle to him?

 

It doesn't hurt to remind him every now and then that you want to see him healthy. That's a goal that I think everyone would be justified in asking for. I think that it would be beneficial to leave informational material "laying around" the house, such as literature, printouts of posts from support groups, etc.

 

And in truth, as the partner of a smoker, you also need support in dealing with it. QuitNet (one of the sites that I had recommended) doesn't require that you smoke, I don't think, to join - and you will meet people there who know all too well what you're going through. (Since you're an ex-smoker yourself, just input your quit date - they'd be mighty happy to have you there.)

 

More than that, I don't think you can expect. However, I would definitely take steps now to make sure that his habit doesn't hurt you or the people you love. If he's not already stepping outside to smoke, enforce that. Give him a special place outside (be it the garage, the driveway, whatever), and make him stick to it. This is your health on the line, and there's no reason you should have to suffer. And don't listen to any crap about how "it's his house" - it's your house too, you live there, you're a part of it and you have every right to protest. (That is, if you live with him.) He'll probably get mad, but this is not something he honestly has a right to get angry about. It's not too much to ask to protect your own health, and if he genuinely has a problem with that, it might be time to re-evaluate where your relationship's going.

 

2) his dad smokes, his brother and sisters smoke, all his friends smoke- i am the ONLY ONE he knows who does not smoke. is there any hope for him quitting successfully?

 

Absolutely! It is never too late to stop - not ever! There are people on the Q-Net that have quit with cancer, COPD, and other debilitating diseases, and they say that it's still the best decision they ever made in their lives. Your boyfriend can lead the way for the rest of his family to quit, too. He needs to be the example! And he'll find that maybe his friends are or aren't his friends - that's okay. It's all part of the learning process in quitting. In a way, he's in for an incredible journey - I know my quit has been just that way. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

 

3) we plan to get married next year but this thing- his smoking- causes us to argue every now and then. would you suggest we put a hold on the wedding plan until he successfully quits?

 

In truth, the answer to this question depends on how much you can live with it. He was a smoker when you met him - in some ways, it's unrealistic that you shouldn't love him now that you no longer smoke, yourself. At this point, I would just suggest setting limits that you can live with (i.e., his smoking outside, no smoking in the car, around the kids, etc.). Try to avoid any situations where you'll be around smoking (if you say his whole family smokes, that might be a slight problem, but we can work around that). If his whole family smokes, fine - they can stand outside in the heat, the bitter cold, the rain, the snow, while you're safe and snug inside!

 

And remember, a successful quit is a lifelong process. Each and every day, I remind myself that I could go back if I wanted to. All that I have to do is go to the store and buy that pack. But you know what? I just tell myself some of the things that the Q-Net people say:

 

"You can't ever have just one. I don't want one - I want them all."

"It's better to be quit with an occasional desire to smoke than a smoker with a constant desire to quit."

 

There but for the grace of God go I. You learn humility fast when you quit smoking for an extended period. Tomorrow, it could be me again.

 

I hope some of this has helped you. Ask me for advice about this anytime. I've learned so much in the last year.

 

- pde.

[pink_butter2003]

thank you soooooo much, PDE! you have no idea how much you are helping me with this problem i have with my fiance. through you, i now understand a lot of things about his smoking problem.

 

i told him at our lunchbreak tonight that i had run into somebody online who, like him, started smoking at 13. i shared with him some of what you said about smoking, and he actually listened attentively and seemed very interested in what you told me about quitting. he asked me to ask you- how did you do it? how did you quit after smoking for that long? can you share some of the things you did to quit? one of roger's problems is that his smoking seems to be connected to a lot of things- for example, he smokes right after meals, when drinking beer, when working on his car, etc. what can he substitute for this? how did you do it?

 

yes, you are right- i do need support in dealing with this. thank you for your recommendations- i will definitely check out quitnet. let me tell you that i have felt so much better hearing directly from you, an ex-smoker. it's like i understand roger's smoking problem better now that you have shared what you went through.

 

about smoking outside- luckily (i guess), my spring allergies flared up again last month, so i sorta used that as an excuse and told him that my nose is super-sensitive to strong odors such as smoking (which could possibly be true); well, he has been going outside and anytime he forgets and starts smoking inside, i start coughing and he gets the message and goes outside:) let me ask you this- do you think that as he stands out there smoking in the chilly early morning breeze, do you think that he actually thinks about how inconvenient that is, and how nice it would be if he could just quit and not have to stand out there in the cold? just wondered if he thinks about this while he is out there.

 

anyway, this is it for now. if you can share some tips on HOW you did it, i would really appreciate it. thank you again, PDE. you have no idea how much you are helping me:) God bless you.

 

joy

[PuppyDogEyes]

he asked me to ask you- how did you do it? how did you quit after smoking for that long? can you share some of the things you did to quit? one of roger's problems is that his smoking seems to be connected to a lot of things- for example, he smokes right after meals, when drinking beer, when working on his car, etc. what can he substitute for this? how did you do it?

 

The reason that I quit smoking after that long is that I had what I call "a brush with impending death". I woke up one morning last year and was in the bathroom hacking away as per usual, when I started to cough up blood. And I don't mean traces of it - I mean a lot of it. It scared the living hell out of me. I honestly thought that I was dying. I took that as a sign - it was either taking control of my life back, or coughing up blood forever (which eventually would have led to an oxygen tank, an IV, cancer, God knows what else).

 

Everyone's quit will be different, but I personally suffered very few physical symptoms. My trouble was more of a mental/emotional thing. Whether it's headaches, a voracious appetite (I was eating everything in the house for the first 3 months), weight gain, dreams of smoking (even though you haven't been), depression, bitchiness (I had that in spades, heh heh), crying spells, etc. - your boyfriend is bound to experience one, or more, or all of these symptoms. As one of the people on the support group said, "The only way out is through." One minute, one second at a time, without a cigarette - don't think ahead any further than that, if you must. I always wake up every day and think to myself, "I vow, just for today, not to smoke. I won't think about tomorrow. I can choose to smoke tomorrow if I want... but just for today, I won't."

 

And I wake up every morning and say that. I've woken up for the last 392 days and have said just that. And I'll wake up tomorrow, on day 393, and say it again.

 

Some great substitutes for cigarettes can be chewing gum, a straw cut in half (that's a good one if he's having trouble with the habit part of it), an ice-cold glass of water (water detoxifies the system and gets all the crap out, so the more of that, the better), hard candy or mints, carrot sticks, celery sticks, etc. If he wants to eat, let him! Smoking one cigarette is as bad for your health as seventy-five pounds of extra weight!!!!! Alcohol, however, is a big trigger for some people - he might want to not drink for a while. And there's nothing wrong with staying away from friends for a while, either - you mention that they all smoke, too. I would definitely stay away from any situation where he might tempted.

 

Tell him (if you're showing him these posts) that this does not last forever! He smoked X amount of years, so it's not going to be a situation where he'll feel better overnight - but he will feel better!

 

If you all get on QuitNet, you'll find that for the first 3 months, he'll practically live there. That's okay. The rule there is that if you feel a craving coming on, you post for help, and wait for 3 answers. And believe me, most of the time you get thirty answers - with support, encouragement, help, sometimes hardass and sometimes a "there, there". Depends on what works for you. I lived there for the first four months of my quit... and after that, I started to feel... better. A lot better.

 

These days I go there to give back what I've received.

 

yes, you are right- i do need support in dealing with this. thank you for your recommendations- i will definitely check out quitnet. let me tell you that i have felt so much better hearing directly from you, an ex-smoker. it's like i understand roger's smoking problem better now that you have shared what you went through.

 

That's the thing - it's hard to be an ex-smoker, because the non-smokers won't ever understand how hard it is to quit. They'll have the attitude of, "Well, you should never have started to begin with", or "Come on, it can't be that hard." Guess what - it is hard, harder than they'll ever know. It's one of the hardest things I've ever accomplished. It's one of the things I'm the most proud of.

 

And the people who still smoke are no better, because they'll feel anger, guilt and shame. Anger because you manage to kick the habit. Guilt because they know they should, too. And shame because they don't know how to start.

 

That's why an ex-smoker will always understand another ex-smoker. Because we've been there. We know all about it.

 

let me ask you this- do you think that as he stands out there smoking in the chilly early morning breeze, do you think that he actually thinks about how inconvenient that is, and how nice it would be if he could just quit and not have to stand out there in the cold? just wondered if he thinks about this while he is out there.

 

I can guarantee you that he thinks about it. Especially if he doesn't have companionship or someone to talk to while he's standing out there in the wind. Or the rain. Or the snow, the cold, the heat, the humidity. Sure, he thinks about it. See, it's amazing how that cigarette literally controls your life. Let me guess: he has problems going out to special events because he's just waiting for the time he can go out and smoke. He's at work but he's got to stop and take a cigarette break - that's 15, 20 minutes that nothing gets accomplished. You could cuddle up in bed with him in the mornings.... but, no. He's got to go out and smoke. Add in the fact that he has to make sure he has cigarettes. Matches. A lighter. It's Christmas Day and he's out of cigarettes? Guess whose face will be at the convenience store? Even if he has to miss his kids opening their presents that Santa brought them?

 

You see how insidious it really is? The cigarette controls him! I bet that when he picked them up at 13 or 14, it was to show the world that he had control - but who's really in control here? Think about that a second.

 

I'm glad to be helping - it's one of the very few things that I feel I have some knowledge of. I'll end this post with a little something from a friend of mine on Qnet named Gummer - and I think he puts it best.

 

-----

 

"Yesterday I saw a woman sitting on a bench... smoking.

 

I was struck by the look of intensity on her face.

 

She was lost in thought.

 

Thinking hard.

 

...solving... resolving... strategizing... planning... concluding... analyzing...

 

All of this WHILE she smoked.

 

And I suspect that when she finished she most likely gave the cigarette credit for everything she figured out during that intense thinking session.

 

In her mind it was the cigarette gave her the insight, the cleverness, the analytical power to resolve whatever issues were at hand... it helped her plan all the things she still had to do... focus... strategize on how to handle and prioritize chores and problems, and deadlines.

 

She failed to realize that the cigarettes were only along for the ride... that she simply smoked WHILE SHE RESOLVED the issues on her own.

 

And THAT is why quitting can be so excrutiatingly hard.

 

Because we give credit to cigarettes for all kinds of stuff that they cannot, and do not do. And by thinking that way, giving up smoking also means giving up these imagined "benefits".

 

So work to correct your thinking on this issue and start giving yourself the credit. You will quickly find quitting a lot easier, a lot more desirable, a lot more reasonable.

 

Smoking doesn't give you a single thing of value... it never did... and it never will.

 

So don't let it fool you any longer."

 

------

 

Please keep me updated... I really want to know how things are going for you.

 

- pde.

[pink_butter2003]

thank you, again, for sharing so much useful info! glad to know that you did not suffer too many physical symptoms; i guess other quitters are not so lucky. in my case, it seems like i have replaced smoking with overeating and snacking too much:( in the past 6 months since i quit, i have gained about 10 pounds and am not very happy with it:( i used to enjoy smoking while watching TV or a favorite movie; now when i sit down to watch a show, i munch away on nachos with cheese or chow down on pizza, and feel like such a pig at the end of the day:( but at least i'm not smoking again, huh? any suggestions on how to deal with my appetite other than go back to smoking? i really need to lose weight and definitely need to stop stacking on all these pounds. i am only 5 ft. but weigh 120 and it is so depressing:(

 

yes, i heard some people get really grouchy, bitchy, moody when they're trying to quit. actually, roger told me that about two years before he met me, he quit for about a month, but would you believe it- his ex-girlfriend complained that he was too grouchy and hyper and MADE him start smoking again because she said he "acted better" when he smoked! can you believe that?

 

anyways, i'll continue this later, PDE. at work right now. thanks again.

 

joy

[slinkysu]

I really recommend the Alan Carr book on "How to give up smoking". The book tells you to smoke all the way through and doesn't actually order you to give up, but it deals with every excuse in the book as to why not to give up smoking, that by the end of it, you just don't want to smoke anymore.

 

Addiction after 22 years is a big thing to beat. The problem isn't not wanting to give up smoking, but thinking you can't cope without a cigarette. How do i deal with stress? will i put on weight? i can't help but need one whenever.....

 

the book is really helpful and i know many people who have quite as a result from it. If it doesn't work at least you've tried. And it's only a book - what harm can it do for him to read it?

 

I'd really recommend it.

 

Good luck.

[pink_butter2003]

Thanks, Slinkysu, for recommending that book. i'll definitely look it up.

 

i am soooooooo glad that i quit smoking. sure, i only smoked a year, but i still had a hard time quitting for good. i tried a couple of times before i finally said- that's it! once, i thought i was free from the habbit- i had strongly resisted the temptation to light up for a few weeks and i was feeling all confident and proud - until i wrecked on my dirtbike and in that moment of pain, i whimpered to my boyfriend, "i REALLY need a smoke right now." and i was hooked to it again:(

 

the last time i smoked was when i got stuck at a bar with my boyfriend and this very annoying, obnoxious girl from work. she talked our ears off until 3 a.m. (we finally got kicked out of the bar), telling us all her joys and woes and many things no one really has to know. i sat there and smoked my last two cigarettes, totally bored and irritated; i just wanted to get out of there and get home and get drunk (i was the designated driver). all of a sudden, i realized i wasn't enjoying those cigarettes anymore! probably because it was such an unpleasant, miserable situation- listening to this girl bitch about everything in her life on a saturday night which could have been more fun had we not gotten stuck listening to her gripe away. i have not smoked since, and it has been 6 months.

 

i pray my boyfriend quits soon. i love him and i am very concerned about his health. each morning, i hold my breath when he slowly climbs out of bed, hoping, hoping that he will wait, at least wait a while before lighting up. one minute, two minutes, 3 minutes ... click! i hear his lighter go off, and my heart sinks:( but at least now he steps outside to do his thing, and i don't have to pull the blanket over my head, trying to block out the poisonous fumes. maybe someday he won't have to stand outside, shivering in the early morning fog- while coughing and hacking away- just to get his first nicotine-rush of the day while i stay warm inside, all alone in our comfy bed.

 

joy